Give Yourself Permission to Offend with Rachel Luna

Welcome to True Grit and Grace. Thank you for tuning in. Before we get started with this week's episode, I have a really special announcement, something I want to share with you. Um, and I know it's really important because there's been a lot of resistance around it. Um, I am doing an event in Raleigh, North Carolina on March 10th and 11th, and the day that I went to launch this event, I woke up and I lost my voice and I got sick for 2 weeks. So I got a little better. If you've seen me posting on Instagram, you've seen a little bit about this event. But as I sit here sharing this right now, my husband is in the hospital. Things have not worked on the back end. And I'm like, gosh, there's been so much resistance that I know that this event Has got to be something really, really important that is going to change lives. It's going to transform not just your lives, but your business. I've created this intimate experience. Only 100 people get to come because I wanted to create something smaller on purpose so you can build meaningful relationships. And success is built on relationships. There's no way I would be getting on all these stages and sharing my story if it weren't for the relationships that I've built. And you know what? It is great to connect online and meet people, but the real deals are made when you get in the room, in the back of the room, in the bathroom at an event. When you get to know, like, trust someone, that is where the magic happens. That is where those relationships form. So come join us in Raleigh, North Carolina, March 10th and 11th. It's coming up soon. And y'all, I've got 12 speakers coming in, flying in from all over the country. They're top coaches, podcasters, bestselling authors. So if you've got a story that you want to share, if you have a dream of getting on a stage yourself, if you've got a dream of starting a podcast, if you really want to build your impact and your income, then get in the room because it will transform your business. It's going to 10x your business. And I know it can be scary going, oh my goodness, I got to find childcare.

I got to get on a plane.

It has always, always made a huge difference every single time I get to go and be in the room and meet people who are like-minded, passionate, faith-filled, and ready to do big things. So come join the Trailblazers. Come meet us in Raleigh. I can't wait to see you and hug your neck. And by the way, my husband's going to be okay. He's a little antsy, but he's in good spirits. Hopefully he's going to be out of the hospital soon. And I'm just happy I have my voice back. And I can't wait to see you in Raleigh. So go to truegritandgrace/event/. Again, that's truegritandgrace/event/. Or you can just find the link in my show notes. And you know what, VIP is sold out.

But we do have a little—

we have a few general admission tickets. And I promise, even with a general admission, because it's such an intimate experience, you're still going to get the red carpet experience. You're going to get lunch.

You're going to have fun.

You deserve to do something for yourself. So go get registered today. And if you're listening to this, I want to give you a special deal because I appreciate you tuning into True Grit and Grace. Just put in friends 20 in the checkout and you'll get an extra 20% off. Okay, now on to the show, but I really hope to see you in Raleigh.

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago, and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your Hello, y'all. Welcome to the True Grit and Grace Show. I'm Amberly, and I have a real treat for y'all today. My really good friend Rachel Luna, you may know her on Instagram as Girl Confident. You guys, she's got a new book. It's called Permission to Offend. If you're, if you're listening to this, you can see us on YouTube holding this book up.

Yes, I am.

And I'm so excited about it. You guys seriously could not put this book down. Before, when we got— we jumped on this call, I started crying as soon as I saw her just because I'm so emotional about what she's doing in the world. I mean, if you're ready to step out of the corner and step into your true potential and in your light, this is the book for you. It's really a permission slip to living in truth, in faith, in freedom, in abundance. It is a dose of hope and inspiration, encouragement. Rachel Luna, I love you. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you, friend. I love you too. And I'm so honored and grateful for the opportunity to be here today.

Oh my goodness. I mean, I told you when we first jumped on, I was like, you know, I, I knew I loved you from the moment we connected. But it's like the more like digging into your book and the more that I've gotten to know you, I'm like, I didn't know I could love you anymore. I mean, you are incredible. I was like, you are really legitness. And your story of all that you have overcome and now how you are showing others to do the same is just— Unbelievable. And the world needs this more than ever. And I mean, seriously, from the, the first page you're opening, I'm like, holy moly, this is— and this is intense. Um, you have so much. I have so many notes and so many things to ask you. Um, but I do want people to understand a little bit about you.

Mm-hmm.

And what a badass you are. And like, what, you're 4'11? Are you 4'11?

I'm 4'11 and a half. Don't take away my half.

4'11 and a half.

Yeah.

And, and I want people to, to understand a little bit about you. So I met you for the first time, uh, back in a couple years ago, 3, 2 years ago on social media. I don't even know if you're On what was that platform we were on?

Periscope? No.

Clubhouse.

Clubhouse. Clubhouse.

That's where I originally met you. We were on a panel together on Clubhouse, and I was like, oh my gosh, her energy. And then we just got to meet in the flesh. And there's something truly amazing when you get to see somebody and connect with them and get in the room with them.

100%. That's why I'm so excited about the Unstoppable Summit, because Just getting in the room, having that energy, connecting, especially like, I know your event is such an intimate and special room that that changes everything. You know, I know we're gonna talk about the book and I know you want me to tell my background, but I just have to say this one thing because for me, people ask me all the time like, well, how did you get to be where you are and how come you're so connected? 'Cause you know, I know a lot of people.

You do.

Doing huge things in the world and people ask me all the time, how did you connect with so-and-so? And I always say, I get in the room. I am like VIP ticket girl. Okay?

Yeah.

I am at the front of the room. I am paying. One of the best investments that I ever made— can I just tell this story real fast?

Yes.

Okay. All right. So I know kind of a derail, but I just have to say this because one of the best investments I ever made was when we were living in Okinawa, Japan, which is, you know, on the other side of the world. And at the time, I was just starting out in my business. I really was not making any money at all. But there was this event that I really wanted to go to, and it was going to cost $1,000 to get in the room, plus my $3,000 flight from Japan to New York.

Wow.

And I remember having the cost. So it was $4,000 plus, you know, hotel expenses or whatever. It was going to be a lot. And I remember saying to my husband, I really feel like I need to be at this event. And at the time, he was just not on board with what I was doing. He didn't understand. I wasn't making enough money, you know. So for him, it was a money pit. My business was a money pit.

Yeah, I've been there.

Yeah, right. So he was like, no, what are you talking about? You're gonna go over there, you're wasting all this money. And I was like, look, I know that there are people in that room that I need to meet and connect with. I will make the money back. I don't know when. But I know that I will. You just have to trust me. And listen, at the moment, that was like the biggest leap of faith. I had to trust myself. And honestly, I didn't really, really have a plan. I had zero plan.

Yeah.

I just had this faith and belief. So I get on the plane. I make the investment. We get into a fight about it. But I'm willing to fight and offend in support of my dreams. And this is what I talk about in the book Permission to Offend is that at some point, there are going to be people in your life who just do not agree. They don't see the vision. They don't believe in you because they don't believe in themselves. And so because they don't believe in themselves, they can't even possibly imagine that someone could have personal faith and, and personal self-esteem, which I did not have growing up. I get in this room and It changed everything for me. The connections that I made, the opportunities that came. And by the way, it's not that money opportunities came right away because I was in the room. It's that I had the opportunity to nurture relationships.

Yes.

There were people that I had known online for like 2 years already, and we had never done collaboration because they didn't know me. But as soon as we got in the room, that know, like, and trust factor multiplies exponentially. And so now I was getting podcast invitations.

Well, that's, that's how you're here on the podcast right now is because we've known each other. But it was when I was with you in the room. And like you said, know, like, and trust. And Rachel, people ask me that all the time. They're like, How did you get Ed Mylett on your show? How did you get— like, they ask me all these things, and it is nurturing relationships. And I remember I just spoke at this event a couple of weeks ago, and I remember one of the biggest, big, wow, I can't believe how far I've come, is 4 years ago, I had no connections. I knew no one. And I got to speak for 5 minutes on stage, and I met Ed Mylett. No one knew who I was from then until now. I went to this other event to speak, and I walked in, and he came up and hugged me, said, Amberly, it's so good to see you. And it's like, that is from getting in the room and nurturing those relationships. That's how you get the opportunity. So I'm with you. I'm the VIP girl too.

Yeah.

Like, I want the VIP ticket so I can meet the speakers. And develop a relationship and connections.

And you know what? I will say this. There was a fast forward. There was another time where the VIP was sold out, so I couldn't go VIP because I waited. I drug my feet. And that was a real lesson of like, I am never waiting again. I'm gonna do what I need to do. But I drug my feet. And so I could only get the general admission. Do you know, though, that I made it my point to have a seat in the row, right, the first row that you could have behind VIP. I was there because one thing I'm never going to do is waste the opportunity to get in the room. And if I'm in the room, I'm going to network, I'm going to connect. I'm still going to surround myself with the people in the front of the room because those are the people that are And shaking. Those are the people that are highly motivated and who know how to get things done. Or even if they don't know, they have enough grit to figure it out.

Amen to that. I just did that. I went to my first Tony Robbins event, and the platinum seating was really, really a lot. And I waited again. I was like, oh, I found out about it last minute. And I'm like, well, there's still the seat that's available that's right after that. Do you know I got in that front row right after, you know, there was the platinum level and I was in the seat, which is like the whole house. Yeah. Tony Robbins was standing in front of me the whole time. It was unbelievable. There's something magical about when you can do that. And I remember the first time I got to meet you in person. I walk in, we're in Tampa. Was it Tampa? Yeah.

Tampa, Tampa.

Yeah. I'm like, where? I've been so many places lately. It was in Tampa. And I walk in and y'all, this is who Rachel is. She is holding Brooke Hemingway's hand. Brooke is about to have her event, walking around this dark room, touching every table, praying over the room, praying over the tables, praying over the space. And I'm like, Wow, it was just like you are that woman who is—you don't just cheer for people, you champion them. And you have helped me so much here. I'm like, okay, let's get to your book and shout your book out. And then, and we got to talking for almost an hour before we even started recording. And so that's what you get to do when you get to be in person with people. And I'm so grateful that they're so. Many opportunities now to do that, and that I got to finally meet you in the flesh. I knew, you know, you've overcome so much with losing your parents, with cancer, with addiction. There's so much to your story, and so much that you have done. When did you decide, I want to step into my greatness? I want to do more. When did— what was that light bulb moment for you that you were like, I'm not going to be a victim, I'm going to be the victor of my life?

Okay, that decision never happened like that. There was never a moment where I had that thought of, I'm ready to step into my greatness.

You already were.

Yeah, I, I was doing a lot of things with a lot of uncertainty, but desire. Right? An uncertain desire. And so there was never a moment where I consciously thought, I'm going to own the fullness of my greatness. None of that. But there was always a feeling and a knowing that I was supposed to be someone doing big things. That's what it felt like to me. I'm supposed to be doing big things. But in everything that I did, as I started my business, it never felt like I'm going to do this big thing. It was more like, I'm gonna try this thing, and let's see what happens. I knew that I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be on the Today Show. I wanted to—

And, yeah. Hello. On the Today Show. On the Today Show. And before we get into that, how long did it take you to write your book?

This book took me 2 years.

Oh, it took me 2 years to write mine too.

Yeah.

And I think so many people are like, oh, it just Was like it flowed out of me.

Yeah, that, that wasn't my— that was—

Yeah, but yours is like, oh my gosh, it's a manual. It's something that I will read not once, but over and over. It's the kind of book that you have on your nightstand that you revisit. And I highly recommend that you get this book on Audible so you can listen to it too. So whether you're driving, you're at the gym or whatever, doing gardening or cleaning, Listen to it, but I love having the book so I can like, especially page 104.

I agree with you. The whole idea, or I agree that you should have the hard copy and the Audible. The hard copy is because you're going to want to highlight. This is a very highlightable book. It's a very underlinable type thing. You're going to want to take a lot of notes. And then the Audible so that when you're rolling around town, the content, the lessons are being implanted into your unconscious subconscious mind, so that when you are having a difficult moment, it will just be recalled of, wait a minute, is this the truth? Is this fact? Or am I telling myself a story, which is what we talked about in chapter 1, so that when you have made the commitment that you're going to go to the gym, or you're going to post on social media X amount of times, and someone tries to ask you, oh, but Amberly, can, can you just come over to my house at 3 o'clock this afternoon and just help me? And 3 o'clock was your posting time, or 3 o'clock was your gym time, you have the courage. I'm going to the gym. I'm doing my social media at that time. I'm available at whatever other time. That's in chapter 4 when we talk about boundaries. It's also going to teach you how to stop being your own boundary bully, which is Something that I think most people deal with all the time.

Wait, boundary bully, you said?

Boundary bully, boundary bullies, right? So the boundary bully is the person, and it could be someone else, or it could be you, that will derail the plans that you already had.

Yeah, I have a really hard time. I'm getting better about boundaries. I'm an overcoming people pleaser. So I love that you talk about people pleasing.

Yes.

In, in your book. And I have a lot of friends and even a lot of people that are in my mastermind that are like, they've told me I'm an overcoming people pleaser. I'm, um, gullible. I will want to buy everybody's course. Yeah. Do everything for everybody. And then a lot of times I'm left feeling empty. Um, where do you think That when you are a people pleaser, or— and I think having no set boundaries goes hand in hand with that— where do you think that comes from? Do you think that comes from trauma as a child? Do you think it's an unworthiness? Where do you think that comes from?

Yes, it's a little bit of everything, but at the root, it's the fear of rejection.

The fear of rejection.

Yes, the fear of rejection, because typically when we experience rejection, it also creates separation. And we need community and connection to not just survive but to thrive. So there's this belief that if I say no to you, you will reject me. And if you reject me, then I'll be separated from the community. And if I get separated from the community, then I'll die.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Because the primitive part of our brain, that, that reptilian brain that has not fully evolved yet from back in the caveman days, that's how we survived. We lived in small communities and small tribes, right? We were communal. And if you were separated, then you didn't get fed. And if you didn't get fed, then you died.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

It's like, it's survival.

And I'm in a 12-step program. I've been sober. I got sober back in 2016. Um, and they say all the time, even in recovery, they're like, you need to stay in the middle or you're going to get taken out. You need to stay in the middle. You— so it's almost like this fear they put in you, you know? And I mean, look, I have a healthy fear. I don't want to get, you know, I want to stay sober. So I think there are sometimes kind of healthy fear, but Yeah, we want to be accepted. We want to be seen, heard, understood. We want to feel safe. To me, feeling safe is so important. And being in the community, having that connection is— yeah, you— but how do you break free and have permission to offend?

Yes, I'm so glad you asked that because I was just gonna say that you've said something very interesting. That affects us. You said we want to be seen, heard, and understood. And you have to give yourself permission to be misunderstood.

Do you know something? I actually have a sticky note on my computer. It says, people get to be wrong about you.

Yes. Be—

I— that's a reminder for me. Like, people can be wrong about me.

And people are wrong all the time. People are imperfect, fallible human beings. So this idea that we should expect everyone to completely know and understand us when they're— they don't really— let me take a step back. This idea that people should always understand us when we're not even having deep intimate conversation is insane to me. Think about that. How could you fully know and understand me if you don't know what I've been through? How can I fully know and understand you? How can I understand you if I don't really know your fears, your insecurities, the things that keep you up at night, the wounds that you've experienced? So one of the things I like to say is seek to understand instead of fighting to be understood.

That's so good. That's like, uh, in approaching life and relationships and challenges with curiosity and wonder. So seek to understand.

Yeah. Think about this. If I am trying to understand you and you are trying to understand me, then we're asking and answering a lot of questions. Versus fighting and yelling and trying to prove ourselves right. Yes, so different. To be wrong. I say this all the time. I'm available to be wrong. This is my position. This is my thought. This is my hypothesis. This is what I think. I'm available to be wrong. Tell me. Educate me. And if you're not willing to educate me, if you don't feel it's your job or your responsibility. I respect that. And please respect that I'm still learning and I haven't found the teacher yet.

Oh, so good. That is so good. What would you say to someone who is like this people pleaser, who they're constantly, let me make this person happy, let me do this for you, let me do this for you, let me do this for you. And then at the end of the day, they start feeling resentful Or burnout, or they hit a wall, or they make themselves sick. Yeah. Because they're just doing, doing, doing, and their cup isn't full. They're constantly trying to people please. How do you break free from that?

Well, the first thing I would say, cuz you said, what do you, what do you say to them? I would ask them, how's that working out for you?

I ask myself that question all the time. I always say, how's that working for you?

It's not right. So then I asked— I would ask another question. You know, people always want advice, they want the answer. And I am not here to give you the answer. I'm here to ask you the questions that will help you get to your truth, because only you know why you're behaving this way. Only you know why, what your deep fear is that keeps you in this people-pleasing pattern. But here's the thing, Consciously, you may not be aware of it. It's your unconscious mind that's calling the shots. So my job is to continue to ask questions until your unconsciousness will break through that conscious barrier. That was a lot of conscious talk, but let's break it down. So first question, how's that working out for you? Not so good. Understood. Okay. So the next question is, how does it feel to know that you are rejecting yourself Every time you say yes to someone else, how does that feel? Does it feel disappointing?

Yeah, because you know every time you say yes to someone else, you're saying no to yourself. A hundred percent.

Every every time. Not a hundred percent. I don't think that's true. Let me tell you why. Because sometimes me saying yes to you is there's a payback. in there for me, and I'm gonna get a breakthrough, or I'm gonna get an opportunity. So for example, if I get invited to a podcast, and I say yes to your podcast, that's a benefit for me too.

Yeah.

Because now I get, you know, I get to talk to a new audience. However, you have to consider the, the value proposition of every yes and no. So for example, I did a podcast the other day, I was led astray. And for the record, an audience of one is still an audience. I deeply believe that. And also, because this book is doing so well, and it's off to such a great start, I now have more invitations than I have hours. Oh, I'm sure. And so I have to be selective with my yes. Well, I said yes to someone. And when we looked, we realized like, oh my gosh, like this person's— they're just starting their podcast. So I don't even know if it'll get any downloads at all. So that yes, even though over time may add value, it doesn't really move the needle forward for my current dreams and desires. So it wasn't a— it wasn't the best yes for me at the time. That's what we should be considering, Amberly. Is this the best yes for me? In the moment, and does it? And if it does, how does it support my dreams, my desires, my wants? Does it align with my values? Does it align with my beliefs? Does saying yes help me live in my 100% truth? So let me ask you another question. If you want to stop, these are questions that you're going to ask yourself to stop the people pleasing. So the next question is, do you really want to say yes, or do you feel obligated to say yes? Because if you feel obligated to say yes, then it's a no.

Mm.

The Bible says do things with a cheerful heart or don't do them at all. I'm paraphrasing, but you know, if you're not gonna do it willingly, don't do it. Why? You're lying to yourself. You're lying to the other person. You're cheating everyone. You're not just cheating yourself. You're cheating the person that you said yes to because you didn't want to do it in the first place. How does—

Yeah. That's so good. You're a liar. Yeah. You know, when I first started with my book, I had a publicist that was like, Amberly, you say yes to everything. Every blog, every podcast, every interview, every TV opportunity, every radio. You say yes, yes, yes. And I was like, okay. I was like a little soldier. Like, yes, yes, yes. Just showing up. showing up, showing up. And I got into this habit of saying yes to everything. And then I realized, oh my goodness, I had to get back down to the basics of my values and what I know that I need to do to stay healthy spiritually, mentally, physically. And I had to start saying no to some things that weren't in alignment with my values And get back to basics of taking care of myself, doing my morning prayer, doing my reading, moving my body. And so I think that's so good to, to ask yourself. First of all, you said, how's that working for you? Mm-hmm. Second of all, is it, do you wanna do it or do you feel like it's an obligation? Mm-hmm. And are you doing it with a cheerful heart and spirit?

Yeah. And let's be clear, look, some days— this is what I say— my extrovert says yes to things that my introvert has no desire to do. I'm a very introverted person. People don't believe it because I know how to be social and I do love people, but the majority of the time I like being by myself. I like cocoon. Like, I am my safest place. Do you know why I think some people are so into the people pleasing and, and not giving themselves permission to speak their truth? Is because they don't feel safe in their own space. They don't feel safe and at one with themselves. Once you start to feel at peace with who you are, once you start to really just look at yourself and think, you know what, I'm a pretty dope chick, like, people are lucky to get to be around me. My energy is a gift. Once you start to feel that way, then your boundaries go up like gangbusters. But until you feel that, you're going to continue to say yes because you're searching for that safety and connection and appreciation from other people. You're looking for validation. And I'm trying to teach you how to seek verification. That's something that we talk about in the book as well. So validation versus verification. And I say You have to put an end to the validation addiction. The problem is that we are conditioned from childhood— I'm turning to the page in the book, sorry— um, we're conditioned from childhood to seek approval and validation. Let me explain. When you're a little kid and you have to go to the bathroom, what do you do in school? You raise your hand and you ask for permission. You get the approval to go do something that your body must Do. And if you don't do, you could go septic. You could literally— you have to ask for permission to do something that if you don't do, it could literally kill you. So right away, we're being programmed for that. Then, so we're being programmed for, uh, to ask for approval, and then we're being conditioned for validation because—

And now more than ever, Rachel, think about social media. And I see, like, I can see— thank goodness my oldest daughter is not even on social media. She's like, I need to concentrate on my studies. She's at Yale studying medicine. My youngest daughter loves TikTok. Thank goodness she's not on it all the time. But I can see how she's like, Mom, I think I've been shadow banned. You know, I only had like 5 views on that. She goes, how come one video got a million and this one only got 5? It's like conditioning her for—

Yes.

The likes, the approval, the val— you know.

The validation.

Yeah.

And here's the thing that's ingrained in us from school, because we want to get the good grades, because if you fail, you're bad, and if you get an A, you're good. And we should be teaching it differently. If you failed, well, let's figure out what we learned from that. And if you got all the answers right, then you move on to the next thing. But having this ABCD— ABCDF scale is creating the desire and the need for validation. It's because think about it, you either get accepted or you get rejected. And so now we're trying to avoid that feeling of rejection instead of making it okay to be rejected. Do you understand that in order to achieve your dreams, rejection is guaranteed? It is part of the package.

Oh yeah.

Rejection and failure and success are buddies. They all go hand in hand. And so think about like, 12 publishers rejected this book. 12.

Don't you know they're kicking themselves?

I know they are. I know they are. But you only need one. You only need one, right? So in the book, I teach you how to create verification metrics. So validation is the need and desire to be approved or to be right. Verification is a scientific approach to get feedback that will actually serve you. Validation is not wrong. We all want it. We all need it at times. But what's important to recognize is, am I doing this because I want validation, or am I doing this because I actually want some feedback so I can get better? You're not right or wrong on either way. It's the awareness. So there will be moments where I will say to my husband, validate me, tell me that I'm amazing. I just need to hear it. There are times when I will ask someone for feedback on something, and I will say, I don't want any criticism. I just want you to tell me all the parts of this that you love. That's it. Validate me. And then what— and this is what I did for Permission to Offend. I didn't want validation at all while I was writing the book. I wanted verification. So I sent out a questionnaire to advanced readers. And it was something like, did the introduction— at what point did you lose interest?

Wait, wait, you said did the introduction what?

Pull you in?

Did it get— oh, yeah. Right. Amen. Like right away that y'all— I'm not even gonna tell you that. Or should I read the— no, I'll let them get the book.

Let them get it. You won't believe it. We're giving them so many other good nuggets. But let me tell you why. And listen, we're going to give you more tangible takeaways from the book. So don't worry about that. But I wrote the introduction the way that I wrote it because I did not want to write introductions. I don't read them. It's usually 5 to 10 pages of, this is what I'm going to teach you, and this is why it matters, and this is what you're going to learn. I don't need that. Give me the meat and potatoes. Get me into the book. But my editor was like, you're writing an introduction. And I was like, no, I'm not writing an introduction because they suck. Let's just go into chapter one. And she was like, "Listen, lady, your topic needs an introduction." I said, "Fine, I'll write an introduction worth reading." And so I knew that I was trying to reach people like me that will skip it. And I thought if I open up with a story that disarms them and pulls them into my world, they won't be able to put it down.

And you're right, you did that very well. You know what, I, I— one thing that I, I was watching one of your interviews, I can't remember which interview, you've been doing so many lately. And if y'all can't tell, I'm obsessed with Miss Rachel Luna. So I was watching one of your interviews, and, um, even for like the Today Show When you got invited to be on the Today Show and they wanted to open up with another story, you were like, yeah, actually, no, that's not what I want to open up with. I would rather talk. It's morning. I want to open up with something lighter, something that will, you know, be a little more relatable. That takes a lot of courage to do that. Where do you think that courage in you comes from? And how does someone else develop the courage to stand up for what they really feel is best.

Amberly, I am the embodiment of my work. I am everything that I have written in this book. That's where it comes from. Because I wasn't that for years and years, decades, really. I don't like using the word decades because then you know that I've aged. But aging is a gift. And, you know, with my history having been a breast cancer survivor, I'm so grateful every year that I get to have a birthday. And, you know, so aging is great. Anyway, for decades of my life, I was incredibly insecure. I felt unworthy. I always felt rejected. I never felt good enough back in the day. But I had a good front. I'm charismatic. I know that I'm likable to the right people. So I always had people around me. But I never thought that they liked me for me. I thought that they liked me for 2 reasons. One, because I'm fun size. And that was like a novelty. People were always— it's novel when you're petite, especially in grade school when all the kids are growing and you're not. So I'm fun size. And I'm funny. And not stand-up comedian funny. So I don't have a career in that, but my presence is funny. And so I always thought they're just around me because I'm little and I'm laughable. Right? Like, think about that. That's— that was my worth. But I used what I could to my advantage, right? And this is something that I think is so important. Use everything available to you to your advantage. Be resourceful with what you have. Prosper where you're planted. So if you want to bring me on your podcast because I'm the token Puerto Rican, I'm your person of color for the month, great. I don't care. I'll be the token. If you want to bring me on your platform because you need another woman and you don't even care about my work, but I'm the woman, great. I'm there. I don't care what your motives are. I'm going to use it to serve the purpose that God has anointed me to execute. Okay, so your question, how do we get there to the point where I'm gonna say to the Today Show, you know what, I have notes, this is my thought? It's because I finally realized that I was living for everyone else. I was living my life on everyone else's, and they were still judging me, and they were still rejecting me. My very first heartbreak I was, what, 15 years old? Carlos Jose Jimenez, I know you're not listening, but just in case, hey, boo. Okay.

He's probably subscribed. Yeah, I'm sure he's downloaded this.

I bet he knows now. And by the way, I adore him. He and his wife are lovely. So shout out to them. But I remember, 15 years old, I tried to be everything that this boy wanted me to be. I listened to all the music he wanted me to listen to. I went to the concerts. Like, I became fascinated with whatever he was fascinated by.

Hmm.

And he still broke up with me. He still rejected me. And in the cruelest way, on his birthday, he drove by my house, flung the birthday gift that I had given him onto my balcony, and then sent me like At the time when we had these alphanumeric pages, pagers, like we didn't have phones, wanted a text message, you had a pager. So he sent me a page breaking up with me, like he broke up with me over what we would call text right now.

Wow.

But I did everything that he wanted me to do. I was everything that he wanted me to be. And that was not good enough. And so you would think that at 15, I could have learned that lesson. But no, 10 years go by, and in the 10 years, I am doing everything that everyone else wants me to do and be, and it's still not good enough, and I'm miserable, and I feel like the lowest of the low. Fast forward to I get married, and I'm still trying to be everything that my husband wants me to be. I'm trying to be the PTA mom, even though I had horrendous postpartum depression.

Mm-hmm.

And I had my children 23 months apart, so Just as I'm getting over postpartum, I get into another round of postpartum depression. So I didn't just have it once. I had it twice. And it lasted for 7 years.

Oh, wow.

I had postpartum depression too. And unless you've been through that, you don't understand it. It's horrible.

And you don't— you don't— I don't know if this was your story, but for me, like, I wanted to connect to my children, but I couldn't. And I, I felt the responsibility of being their mother. I loved them because they were my children, but I did not feel that immense love that everyone told me I would feel.

Oh, yeah. And girl, I waited 13 years to have another one because of it. 13 years. I was like, yeah. Yeah, so I get it. Yeah, it's, it's crazy.

Horrible. So I am again living on everyone else's terms, and I'm still not good enough. I'm still not— I'm, you know, those first couple of years were incredibly hard on my marriage, right? My— we talked about— I remember one time just saying to my husband, send me back to my mother, because we lived in Japan.

Wow.

I'm not doing a good enough job. I'm not good at keeping a house clean. I'm not good at raising babies. I don't know how to connect. You know, I was a very good cook at the time, but I never felt appreciated as a cook. And I was just like, just send me home to my mom. We didn't, obviously. Here we are, you know, 15 years later, still going strong. But then I started my business on my terms, doing what I wanted. And then people are— and that's not true. Half on my terms, half the way other people tell me to do. So if you're doing things half on someone else's terms, you're doing them whole not on your terms. A half truth is still a whole lie kind of premise. And I was still being rejected and I still wasn't good enough. And it was just years and years and years. I remember trying to do— I was teaching confidence because my premise then and now is the fastest way to build your business is to build your confidence.

I also heard in another interview with you something to the fact that you had a mentor that was like, well, you can't teach confidence. You can't sell that. You can't teach that. And I'm like, no, you're doing it.

I had done it already, but they said no. And so I pivoted to be what they wanted me to be, and I felt so out of alignment. Yes, I did make money, But I, I felt like an imposter. I felt wrong. I felt like at any minute people were gonna find out that I was this like fraud. Why? Because I was not operating in high personal truth and high faith, which is what we talk about in chapter 4 when we go into the empathetic offender identity— or excuse me, the offender identity framework. And I teach you about the Pleaser, the critic, the wounded, and the empathetic. You know what?

That's what I have opened up in the book right now. It's so good, this framework, because it's not— you're, like, teaching people, like, the 4 identity framework and how to move through it.

Yes. And this is so important. So your original question was, how do we get there? First, Go through the book because I've written it in a very prescriptive way, but I am a fantastic storyteller.

But even with your speaking, you know, I go to— I, I speak at a lot of events. I go to a lot of events. I, I was mesmerized with you on stage storytelling. You are hilarious. You share takeaways. You're such a great storyteller. So yeah, through your writing and in person on stage, you're such a great storyteller.

Thank you. Now, Amberly, 6 years ago, I could never have said that to you.

Really?

I— no, no. Oh, no. I could never have said out loud. Maybe just you and I in private. Sure. You, me, and everyone listening? Oh, no. Because all the stories of, like, they're gonna think I'm so full of myself, they're gonna reject me, or, or they'll read my book and then they're gonna think I'm not a great storyteller, and then they're gonna call me a liar.

Oh, all that, that talk in your head can drive you crazy.

That's right. That's why we start in chapter 1, activating your truth and identifying the stories from your facts. Then we go into chapter two, and we talk about identity because I for years. Okay, you want a real confession? I feel like I'm about to get naked right now. This is how deep this is for me. Even up until the middle of writing this book, I struggled with my identity. It was writing the book and writing the chapter on identity, and then walking in everything that I. teach in this book for those 2 years, 2 years that locked me into my identity. You see, we get glimpses of who we really are throughout our entire life, but we don't walk in the fullness of it until we've done the work that I lay out for you in this book. And I know this because here's the kicker, everything in the book Is work that I've done with clients over the last decade. So I already knew that it worked. But how many of us teach things, and along the way we stop embodying them?

Along the way— oh, it happens all the time.

We get busy. We— because now we're serving so many people, now we're taking care of so many people that we have forgotten to be the first to partake of our offerings.

Yeah.

So I had to get really honest with myself and say, girlfriend, you are not released to put this book in the world until you become the full embodiment of it, until you are walking this walk in 100% alignment. Otherwise— and, and you can't turn in this draft, because I was— I literally am writing the book while, while I'm having these coming-to-Jesus moments. And I am crying, because I have done every single alignment opportunity, the exercises in the book. I have done every single one of them at least 7 times in the last 18 months, at least 7 times, because every time I read it out loud, I did the work. Do you know how many tears— so many times I've cried just doing this work. And every time you do it, you uncover a new layer of yourself. You find another belief that you didn't even know was operating on the unconscious mind. Here's the thing about the conscious mind, which is what you understand and know and believe, the logic, and the unconscious. The unconscious is the CEO. That's the one that has the visions, the plans, the ideas. That's the one actually calling the shots. Your consciousness is the manager. The manager will only be able to make decisions from the beliefs and the ideas that are being fed to it from the unconscious mind. So if your unconscious mind is not doing the work, then it's serving up things like, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough.

Who do I think I am? What was I thinking? You're crazy. You can't pull this off. Oh.

So you have to do the work right from jump at chapter 1. Then in chapter 2, we go into identity. And this was the point I wanted to share with you, is your identity is comprised of your values and your beliefs. Not your roles and responsibilities.

So say that again. That's so powerful. Your identity is comprised of—

Your values and your beliefs, not your roles and responsibilities. So I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a coach, I'm a teacher, I'm an author. Those are roles and responsibilities. At any moment, all of that could go away. Who are you then? And this is why people have identity crisis. This is why people struggle so much, because their roles and their responsibilities are changing. When they stop people pleasing, their responsibilities shift, and they don't know how to be in this new iteration, because their identity was attached to the success or failure of their roles and responsibilities. And so when you do the work in chapter 2, you will be liberated. I know my identity. My identity is love. And it sounds so corny, girl. If I were listening to a podcast 10 years ago of myself saying, that my identity is love, I would have rolled my eyes and been like, that girl is so corny. What a cornball. Your identity is love, right? But why? Because I did not know myself on an intimate level.

Mm-hmm.

I did not see myself as loving or lovable. I saw myself As never good enough. And if something is not good enough, how could you love it?

Oh, I, I mean, I think that's one of the reasons that we connect so deeply is because we had so many, although our stories are so different, we have such similar experiences. In the middle of writing my book, I got sober. It was like, talk about cathartic. Writing a book is so cathartic. You really discover a lot about yourself.

Who you are. So I was just speaking at this one event.

with Vic Keller, who's one of the most successful businessmen I've ever met. And, you know, he's talking about his business strategy, the best business strategy. And you know what it was? Love.

Of course it is.

So I think, yeah, if we could just love more, have more faith, have more kindness, I mean, it would be— imagine if everybody could do that.

Let's give a tangible— because I know that there's someone listening and saying, but how do you do that? This is what I think.

Yeah.

When I think about who I wrote this book for, my reader— excuse me— I am so in love with the idea of her change and her transformation. So every time I wrote a draft or a chapter, I looked at it with like, can— does she feel supported in this work? Am I her cheerleader? Am I championing for her? Am I taking a stand? And I actually wrote, I am standing in the gap for you. I am willing for you to dislike me while you read this book. If it means that you're going to get the breakthrough, you can be pissed off at me all you want. That's one way. Here's another way. Social media. Can you fall in love with the— not the result of the likes and the comments, but can you fall in love with the act of creating?

Mm-hmm. And think about it.

Can you fall in love with the person on the other side that you don't even know yet, and who they're becoming because they've consumed your content? Can you just find the joy in showing up on livestream or on camera, even though you don't necessarily like the way that you look?

Oh my gosh, I had a conversation last night about this because I've been in the middle of just launching my next event and been going live on Instagram more than I've ever done before. Like, I went live twice in one day the other day. So anyway, One of my mastermind attendees text me in the morning. It was early. I hadn't gotten much sleep. She goes, are we still going live at 9 AM? And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, we are. Like, yep, I'm, I'm ready. Let me like wipe the mascara off my, my face. And we go on. My hair is sticking straight up and I get on livestream. I'm like, oh, why is my— I'm like alfalfa this morning, you know? And I'm just talking. And this lady last night at this event, I didn't even know she followed me on social media. And she goes, You know, one of the things I love about you is you just get on and you're you. You're like, you're, you're kind of— your hair's everywhere. You're just like, you keep it real. You're authentic. And it's like, well, it's because I love the person on the other side of the screen. I love what I do so much that it's like I'm not afraid for people to see me looking imperfect, or if I mess up, or if I— Whatever. But yes, fall in love with the process. It is freedom. And when I see women that step out of their comfort zone and they're just like, it's liberating when they're just like, I'm gonna go for this. I'm gonna do a Reels. I'm gonna go live. I'm gonna— it's so— yes, fall in love with the person on the other side of the screen. Fall in love with being creative instead of like, how many likes is it gonna get? What am I gonna look like?

Yeah.

You know, that's such great advice.

Well, and fall in love with the purpose, right? If you love the purpose, if you love the mission, then you're willing to go through the sucky parts. I love the mission. I know that I am here to heal and deliver. I know that my work leads to freedom— emotional, spiritual, financial, physical freedom in some cases. You know, a lot of people come to me To, to get some support and feedback on the cancer journey. And so I am in love with setting people free, that I will wake up every day and show up and go through the grind.

Yeah. Your cancer journey too, you guys. I mean, we just jumped right in. I mean, she does coaching. She's got, um, oh my God, you forgot to tell them about me. I know. I mean, we, we just jumped right in, but she's got an incredible top podcast. She does coaching. Do you have an episode where you talk about your, on your podcast where you talk about your cancer journey? Because yeah, you did things that were way outta the norm and even your own mom was like, what are you doing? You're crazy. Your story, how you share about your cancer journey had me in tears at the last event where I saw you speak. Do you have an episode where you talk about that?

We have 2 episodes over on the Permission to Offend podcast. So I will give you the links for that. And that way, nice and easy instead of them, you know, trying to filter through 100 episodes of the show, because I don't know what we called it. I think it might have been Miracle or Healing. I don't know. I don't know what we called it. But I do— I have 2 episodes. There's a part 1 and a part 2. I share everything. I hold nothing back. And then there's a resource that they can get if anybody like wants to look at the PDF. It's free. There's no opt-in. So I don't even do opt-ins for people that want the information on healing cancer because I'm not a cancer coach. I'm not a medical coach. I'm not a health coach at all. Please do not ask me because I don't do that. But I want people to have that resource.

Yeah, you've got the life experience of, yeah, overcoming so much. You guys check out her podcast, go over to Instagram @girlconfident. And, and seriously, I, I, there's not a lot of times, Rachel, there's not a lot of times when I get on my podcast and say, go buy this book. I don't do that. Like, I don't even have sponsors for my podcast. I think in 3 years I've had one sponsor. Because I'm just about— I had the intention of, I just want this podcast so I can give people value. I'm telling y'all, go buy this book. You will thank me. You will be reaching out. You'll be in tears, tears of gratitude and joy too. But this book is incredible. I've got it on Audible. Everyone in my mastermind is going to have this book as well. So Thank you for writing it. Thank you for being just a world changer, a bright light in this world. Tell people like the best way to grab your book, to where they can find you. I mean, you're all over the place right now. If you just Google her, it's like, holy cow, she's all over the place. She's taken over.

Well, thank you. Uh, the book is called Permission to Offend: The Compassionate Guide for Living Unfiltered and Unafraid. I am Rachel Luna. You can learn more at rachelluna.com. You can subscribe to my podcast, which is also called Permission to Offend. And the book is where all books are sold— Barnes Noble, Amazon. But if you go to rachelluna.com, it will give you all the links. And I'm on Instagram @girlconfident.

You got that one down, girl. You're like, bam, let me just tell you who I am and where you can get my book. So I thank you so much, Rachel, for being here with me today. Also, thank you for— this is the kind of person she is. So before we started recording, she was just like helping me with like my landing page for my event, like seriously helping me. You are such an encourager, such a champion for other women, other people. And I just adore you. I appreciate your time.

Thank you.

on early on a Sunday morning, um, on your husband's birthday, and you're helping me and you're sharing all this wisdom on the podcast. So y'all, please go get this book, Permission to Offend. Rachel Luna, I love you. Y'all, thank you so much for tuning into the show, and we will see you next week. I love you, girl.

Love you, friend. Bye.