Going Through The University of Adversity with Lance Essihos

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert and bestselling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace.

Hi, and welcome back to the True Grit and Grace Podcast. Today I have my amazing friend, Lance Ezios, here with us. And I was nervous about not pronouncing your name right. And you were so kind and being like, don't worry about it. Because I used to pronounce, all these years, I like pronounced your name wrong. So I just am so grateful to have you here. Y'all, he is the host of one of the top podcasts out there. It's in the top 50 worldwide, which is huge because there are millions of podcasts out there. It's called the University of Adversity Podcast. He also has a new book coming out, and I can't wait to read it. It's called Mastering Adversity. And he believes the bigger the struggle, the greater the lesson. And I'm excited to say he's also got a summit coming out that I'm so grateful to be a part of and be speaking at this summit. It's called University of Adversity Summit. And it's really a place that he has created for raw, real, authentic human connections to be created and really to ignite and inspire personal growth, transformation, and healing. So Lance, I have been looking forward to this. Thank you so much for joining us on the podcast. Thanks for being here.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. That was such a great intro. Thank you. You made me sound a lot better than I probably am, but thank you so much. I'm, I'm really, really excited to be here, and I— anytime I get to connect with you It's— it always really inspires me and lifts me up. So I think we're gonna light some ears on fire today.

I think so too. I was so excited when I got to be on your podcast, and it was just such a great conversation. And you've got some huge guests on your show, so it's really— I'm really honored to be included with that awesome bunch that you have. But what I'm really curious about is all this work that you're doing. You are really transforming lives, and you really walk the walk and talk talk the talk, practice what you preach, and it shows in all that you do. But I really want to know what led you on this transformational journey. What was the biggest, most difficult challenge or adversity that you've ever been through?

Yeah.

Thank you for asking that. And, you know, there's been a few layers to my story that have led me to where I am today. But one that really, I would say, that stands out as, you know, the rock bottom area of my life or section of my life was I was battling with alcohol and drugs and working in nightclubs for a lot of years, and I was very, very low. And within that time I was living in Australia, we lost my younger 18-year-old brother to suicide, and within a year, my dad to cancer. So that was where things really, for me, were the moment of my rock bottom, how, how, you know, low I felt in my body and just how losing, losing people so close to me. you know, what that did to me to know that they weren't going to be around. And having to— part of that story as well is when my dad was visiting me in Australia is when I got the news of losing my younger brother, and I had to tell him that.

Oh, and now how old was your dad when he passed away?

My dad was, was 65. So that year, you know, I told him that news. I was at work. They told him. I found out the news. I was on my way home. I was in an Uber and I was just thinking to myself, like, how do I— like, how do I tell my dad this? Like, how do— how do you— how does one tell their dad that their son has taken their own life?

Oh.

And reliving that in my mind, I tell the story because it was like, it was just the most bizarre, crazy feeling that I've ever had to deal with. And getting there and having to say that to him and seeing the reaction and seeing his demeanor, his face and everything change was just so challenging for me and so hard. And you know, he changed after that. And within a year, just over a year, you know, he got pancreatic cancer and we found out with like probably 48 hours. I had to get back from Sydney to Victoria, BC in Canada. They basically said, you got 48 hours.

Wow.

And I got there, I had 5 hours with him. And I just literally watched him pass. So that area from like beginning of 2016 till 2017 was safe to say that was one of the most challenging, darkest moments, but also inspired a lot of growth and transformation, which we'll talk about. So yeah, that's a little bit of insight into the dark times.

Yeah, I know that, you know, my stepmother committed suicide. And when I got that phone call, actually, my cousin called me. And I guess she could tell by the way I answered the phone that my dad had not called me yet. And she said, you don't know yet, do you? And I was like, what's going on? And it is just devastating to the family to go through something like that. And, you know, sometimes you don't realize just how sick someone Is. Because I mean, I've been to the point where I hit rock bottom and I was having thoughts of, you know, maybe my kids could find a better mom. You know, my husband could find some cute new wife. You know? But to actually go through with it is a different story. And it's so, it's like you really have to be suffering to be in that position. So how many years ago was that?

So yeah, that was in 2000. So my younger brother, that was 2016, January. And then my dad was like, oh wow, summer of 2017. So it wasn't that long ago. No, no, it wasn't. And you know what, I'm still— to say that I've fully processed it is, is, would be a lie. Like, I still just think to myself like, what? That's like a bad movie. Like, that doesn't happen. Like, those kind of stories are saved for others, you know, when you— when they go through you, you're— it's hard to imagine that that's actually happening, right? When you're actually— when, when something like that is actually happening, it doesn't seem real. And even to this point, it doesn't seem real.

It doesn't seem—

it still seems completely bizarre. Like, what?

Well, let me ask you, for me, sometimes— not as much anymore because it's been several years now that my stepmother has passed— but I would always think, oh, I'm gonna call Patty and say this or that, or let me call her, or it's her birthday. And it's like they're not there. And it takes a while to really fully, you know, get your mind wrapped around that. I want to talk about you when you were working in the bars and you were drinking and you were partying. Are you sober now?

Yeah, so that's been a dance in itself. So yeah, I had been in the bar industry for over 10 years. And I always—

you look so young. How old are you?

I'm turning 38 this year.

Oh my God, you look so much younger than 38. I'm like, 10 years? What, you start when you were 13?

Yeah, no, I was born, uh, September 21st, '83. So yeah, well, thank you. I appreciate that. I'll take that. Received, received, received. Yeah, I— it was just— it was wild because I've been doing a lot of work on know, where did things unravel for me in my life? And, you know, prior to me getting really into drinking— and I'll get into like the bar story— but I was working on trying to become an NHL hockey player. I was trying to get a scholarship. I was an athlete. And I was really, you know, lost in confusion, peer pressure. Not really— I was also going through a lot of family struggle with stepmom And a lot of things happening. But my last year, when I was trying to make it in to get my last year junior hockey, get a scholarship or whatever, I did a big cycle of steroids, which completely ruined my career. Which I was, you know, left with this feeling of disappointment, not only with myself, but like letting my dad down, letting everybody in my family was like, you're the hockey player, what happened? Like, how did your career just disappear like that? Like, how does that happen? And I just felt this guilt for so many years with that. And that's kind of where like the partying and the alcohol and all that sort of took over. Because there's a lot of people who play sports, and you probably heard about it, and people on your podcast as well, is like, who are you after the athlete? Who are you? What do you do after when you're defined as a specific person, a specific persona, and then that ends? Who am I, right?

Yeah, I definitely went through that. I mean, yeah, I didn't know who I was when after my motorcycle accident, my whole identity, self-worth, everything was caught up in being an athlete, how much I provided, what I looked like. And it was all about my ego too. You know, I didn't, I had to figure out who I was. And so yeah, you hear that a lot. I had Trent Shelton on my podcast.

Yeah. I listened to that.

And he said the same thing. You know, after he was a football player, he was an athlete. And so yeah, I'm sure that was hard to navigate. And then if you don't have any tools or any kind of coping coping skills, then that's where it gets tricky.

Yeah. And I didn't have a great home base at home either. Like I had a crazy stepmom that was a whole other story. It was like, you know, ruining my dad's life and ruining our family, like right out of the movies. This is why I like, this is all going to tie into the book. It's because it's, it's crazy. And I was just so emotionally unraveled that the only thing that I could find after sports that gave me any sort of satisfaction was the bar and restaurant industry. I tried other jobs, tried other things. I loved human connection. I really loved giving people an experience, but the toxic side of that world really swallowed me up. And although it was great money at the time and all that, I don't know how to do things just, you know, I'm either in or I'm in the way, you know. And when I was in the bars, I just go for it, and it got me into a lot of trouble. Um, you know, some of the stuff I did, I probably shouldn't be alive right now, but I am, and I'm so grateful for that. You know, and that took me down a road for many years of knowing that I could be doing better with my life, but I wasn't. And the choices I was making was just constantly in this loop of digging myself out of holes instead of building on the foundation. And it just happened over and over and over again.

And until I feel like a sense of like powerlessness in that, yeah, in that whole cycle.

Yeah. And I was just addicted to self-sabotaging myself, you know, you— and the problem is when you get into this this drinking cycle. It's like the entire week you're kind of getting back on track, and then it's like, well, let's just poison ourselves on Friday and get— and then just have to do it all over again. And there's, you know what, there's, there's people that drink and they can have, you know, moderation and all of that. I couldn't do it, you know.

So that would not be me.

Yeah, it was hard.

Person that, you know, I was never a drinker. I was never really a partier. I was busy, you know, working and building my career. But then after my accident, when I discovered that the wine helped with the pain, I started self-medicating. And then I thought, oh my gosh, whoever leaves half a glass of wine at the dinner table? Like you drink the whole thing. Finish that. Then I was like, I think I have a problem.

I know.

I was like, it was just like the way I was thinking was so alcoholic. And so I know, like I just went to a meeting this morning because I really need community. I need support. I need a program. I need structure. I tried getting sober and willpower alone wouldn't cut it for me. And so I so resonate with what you're saying about how you would start and like, yeah, I'm going to do my best and get through the week. But mine was I would promise myself that day that I was going to be healthy all day and not drink, and I was drinking every day. So I wouldn't even wait until the weekend. I was like, hell no, let me just drink right now.

Yeah, so I would go to work, that was my job, was I got paid to party and paid to give people an experience. So I would literally go to work and just make myself a drink and then go work, like literally every day. And if I had one day off, I was like, oh, great job. Like, that's the— that was the life I lived. And I, I felt so— there was times where, you know, and then you would throw in some drugs and you throw into the partying aspect. You know, I was living in Sydney, Australia, and it was just wild. And like, I was sitting in a puddle of sweat at night with this anxiety. I remember like my heart palpitating and just being like, I can't— I can't sleep because of my anxiety. My heart's going too fast. I'm sweating. I'm waking up with these like, these like tremors and like bad dreams. And I'm like having to get through that. And then the next day, just having a drink to feel better. It was, it was horrible. And I can remember that feeling in my bed of being in that puddle of like sweat. And still to this day, you know, like, I don't ever want to go back to that spot. But it's been a real challenge because even when I quit drinking for a year in 2017, I got— then after that, I got out of the bars. But like, there's— I went back into it again because it's really interesting. And this is really useful for anybody that is sober to really remember this. Your body remembers those habits and you just got to be really mindful at being how you can go back to that. You know, I thought after a year, oh, no problem, I'll be able to have a glass of wine or a beer and boom, for me, I fell right back into it. So I've had a couple friends come to me after a year, 2 of them that I used to, you know, I worked with. One of them, he asked me, he said, I'm sober for a year, should I drink again? Do you think I can handle it? I said, absolutely not, don't do it. I said, don't do it. And now he's sober for like 4 years. Somebody else asked me the same question. I said the same answer. He fell off. And now he's unraveled again, trying to fix it after being sober for a year. It's not an easy thing.

Well, I know for me, there is no question in my mind that I could go back because when I started drinking, I would make these promises to myself and, and break them. And I had never been like that in my life. I had always had this willpower and could get through tough times. times with grit. And it was like I was completely powerless over this situation. And so I don't ever want to be that way again. And I know it's a very slippery slope. But I know there's no question. And that's one thing that my sponsor has said is, you've always had a healthy fear of going back to drinking. And I'm like, because I wouldn't be able to do any of what I'm doing now. I wouldn't be sitting here with you. I wouldn't have this amazing opportunity if I were out there drinking. I wouldn't have an opportunity to speak at your summit if I were doing that. So I have a healthy fear about it. So I'm glad you share that. And one of the reasons too is my sponsor had 10 years of sobriety and went out. And so it was just this, she's like, it's just the same. And so yeah, I think that your body does remember those habits. But how did you break that cycle and get healthier and start to transform your life?

Yeah, it's such a great question. And just for the listeners out there, like, be kind on yourself, you know? Like, I'm not saying that I've mastered it all. I'm just figuring it out, you know? And I've made mistakes and, you know, I'm just trying to figure it out. So like I said, it's a dance back and forth, and you may fall off, you may not, but don't beat yourself up. The worst thing you could do is beat yourself up about it. Firstly, what I do is I just went completely cold turkey, you know? I just said, okay, I just need to stop this. I need to replace it with things that serve me, you know, replace it with activities, do things that force me to have to be feeling good, you know, like have a commitment of some sort the next morning. Like, you can't be drinking if you got to go boxing at 7 AM or something where someone's gonna kick your ass in the gym or something like that.

Oh no, I would try it. Yeah, I would try it.

I'd be like, well, I would do it. It's the worst.

It's the worst. Yes.

You know, and as we're speaking right now, you know, I'm going on 8 months, and I— as right now, I'm not drinking, and I hope that that stays like that. But for me, I just look at how many times do I want to learn the lesson. I just have the conversation with myself, you know. I've been there. I've lived the nightclub life. I've worked in some of the best bars. I know what that feels like. I don't need to go, and, you know, the next experience isn't going to you know, do anything different, you know. And I guess it's really— one thing that really worked for me was just understanding your environment and knowing, hey, maybe I need to just pull away from people for a while that do these kind of things. And that's just the reality. If your friend circle, or all you do is go out and drink together, you might want to rethink that situation, right? And that's the hard thing.

I think that's so true. It's so much about how you set up your life. Because whether it's drinking or whether it's, you know, you want to stop eating chocolate chip cookies because you want to get in shape or be lean or be healthy or whatever your reasons for not eating that chocolate chip cookie. And in the morning, you wake up and you've got a lot of willpower. You're like, nope, I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to go to the gym. You go to work. You might have a crappy day at work. Maybe somebody pissed you off. You have all these stressors on you. You get home. The chocolate chip cookie's on the counter.

Yeah.

Suddenly, your willpower gone and you're like, screw it, I'm eating the cookie. I deserve that cookie. I want to feel better. And so I think that I was kind of like that. I couldn't rely on my willpower alone. I couldn't rely on, you know, just being gritty and being determined. All that was out the window when I had all these other stressors on me or when, for me, it was when the pain got so bad, I was like, just give me a drink to numb it out.

Hmm.

And so I had to not have that around me. I had to not have alcohol around me. Don't have the chocolate chip cookies around you. Don't have the people that are going to be the, you know, ones that are like, oh, come on, just have one. One little one's not going to hurt.

Right.

And so I think it's really important to take a look at and make sure you're setting yourself up for success. And getting, this sounds harsh, but kind of getting rid of the people in your life who are going to take you down that road of, if you are hanging out with people who are always eating unhealthy, you're probably going to start slipping and kind of eating unhealthy.

Yeah.

If you're hanging around people or going to the bars all the time and hanging around people who are drinking when you're first trying to get sober, it might be a little harder to get sober. Now for me, I could go to bars and hang out with people. And I've got, now that I've been sober for 5 years, I actually have wine in my fridge. It's probably bad because it's been there for a while. But before, when I was first trying to get sober, I didn't tempt myself by having that around. And so I think until you can really start to change your habits, you really have to set yourself up For success.

Totally. And you're absolutely right. And it doesn't always have to be like that, but you have to be real with yourself that maybe these people in the beginning aren't going to help you with that because you might just have to sit at home for a while until you're comfortable enough. Like for me, I had to go at least— I've done this a few times where I've gone off and then I've gone on. So I've realized that I need to go about a month before I can go back into society and go into like bars and drink soda water. I'm okay with it now. I do it now, but it still is challenging because there's always an occasion, there's always a thing, there's always a celebration, and it's challenging. And I think that takes time. But one of the other main things that I look at is like, what are your goals, right? Like, I really look at the intention of who, who do I want to be? You know, who is the person that I want to be? You know, I have a vision and a goal of who I am. Does that person still do those things? Does that person still— is he still irresponsible like I was before? Like, I try and put myself at doing the things that align with the person I want to be versus doing the things that align with my past identity of being in the bar and all that. So sometimes it's simply just asking the question, does this action that I'm about to do align with who I really want to be? And For me, sometimes that is enough realization that I need to just go, oh no. Because if you want to speak, if you want to be this person that people look up to, you know, I look at people like Tony Robbins, he doesn't drink. And like the, the, you know, the big, the names, even yourself. It's like, if I want to be at that level, that person just doesn't, doesn't mess around with stupid activities that involve drinking that's going to take me off because then I can't serve. then I can't serve people that I want to serve because I'm feeling so terrible all the time about myself, right? So that's the thing. It becomes more about not about us. Who are we not able to impact because of our own sabotaging? And that's what I think that I've come to now is where I have to be on it. I have to be, otherwise I've just, I'm not good at doing the things like podcasting, like talking to you. I'm not at my fullest vibration or— Anything I do, if I've been hungover the next day or I've been drinking, I just don't feel as good. And that way I'm robbing people of that. So that's kind of something as well for the listeners to really take away is who do you want to be? Really get clear. And are the actions that you're doing today aligning with that person? Because in order to become that other person, you have to do these things that align with that person. You can't do the actions from the past and expect to be a Become something else, right? And that's just a big message in general.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, if, uh, if you want to be fit, then you ask yourself, well, what does someone who's fit— what do they do? If you don't know, you're like, oh, they must wake up and work out, go to the gym. They must eat pretty healthy. They must really try to move their body. And so I think it's a good idea to like ask yourself what, what actions would I take if I want to be this person that I— and that helped me. I thought, this is not— when I was drinking, I thought, this is not the mother that I want to be. This isn't fair for my children. I want to be present in their lives. This isn't the wife that my husband married. I want to be the wife that he deserves, not this, you know? And so that really helped me. But for me, it was really finding Something bigger than me. I really feel like for me, God got me sober. I tried doing it on my own. I couldn't do it. And so I call my higher power God. And just in the meeting this morning, someone said, you know, sometimes I forget to rely on God and I get in this self-will and I think I got to do everything on my own. And I'm guilty of that. I just, I forget that I can ask for help. And she said, you know, if God got me sober, what is it that makes me think that he wouldn't be able to handle this little problem I have in my life right now? You know, he, she, whatever you call God. And so I thought, you know, I need to remember to turn it over, that I'm, you know, I'm not alone and I can ask for help. And that gave me, when I realized, you know, when I was struggling at my worst time, when I realized, oh, I'm not alone on my struggle.

Right.

I, you know, I have help not just from God, from a community of people. That's what gives me the courage to keep going. I feel like when I'm at my hardest days— what gives you the courage to keep moving forward when you're really struggling? Whether it's you're having a hard day because you're an entrepreneur and you're doing a summit and podcast episodes and interviewing people and being interviewed. What keeps you going? What gives you the courage?

You know, I've recently been struggling the last couple weeks of like a lot of, a lot of limited beliefs, a lot of every— all the tests have been happening. And it's really interesting because you can come off these really high highs and then you can really face these low lows. And it's like life is just a balancing act, you know?

It's like, well, you know, thank you for saying that you have struggled with limiting beliefs because I think all of us do.

Yeah.

At one point in time or another. We all do. And here you have, you know, a top podcast. People are like begging to be on your podcast. And it's like you still sometimes struggle with limiting beliefs. And you've interviewed some of the top thought leaders, authors. And here you struggle with that. So anybody listening today that has struggled with the self-doubt, limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, we all go through that. You're not alone. We all go through that.

Yeah, exactly. And I think just being humble and knowing that we all go through it, it's okay. Like, it's all right. You know, and I'm okay to admit that I'm working through weaknesses of mine. I'm not an expert in everything and I don't ever claim to be. I'm just learning. I'm a student of life. And I'm really humble at really admitting that sometimes things really throw me off my mindset. And I've been really challenged. I mean, I'm with writing my book. It's kind of a bold statement saying Mastering Adversity. So I'm getting all these challenges because I haven't— this is the journey of eventually mastering, but it's a life journey, right? And I'm figuring this stuff out. So to answer your question, the courage, there's just things that throw me off. It's just a choice. You have to choose how you're going to respond. The only thing we have is choice and asking the question like, how am I going to react to this, right? And there's, there's times where we can easily go into that loop, that self-pity loop, and everything all of a sudden turns into repeating this victim mentality where it's like, why me? And then you stub your toe and then you start to just get pissed off and then the whole thing unravels. And that can happen for days. And to be honest with you, that happened to me for like 2 weeks. And I was thinking, I'm like, what, what is going on? Like, why am I feeling like this? And then I, I had to just look at what I'm doing. I'm like, am I doing the stuff that makes me feel good, that program my mind, that get me in the zone. And I'm, I'm not— I wasn't, I wasn't doing, you know, meditation or prayer or journaling or any of that stuff.

Well, you know, I think that's such an important thing to discuss. I mean, a lot of times when life gets going good, we start to forget the really, you know, just the basics. And for me, I need to do like these basics every day of making sure I'm doing my morning gratitude practice, making sure I'm doing my morning prayer, reading out of one of my spiritual books, texting my sponsor every day, you know, getting to a meeting, eating right, and moving my body. Like if I don't do those things, I can get away with it for a little while. And then I start to slip.

Yeah.

And I start feeling like crap. Mentally, spiritually, physically, in every way. And so it's important to keep that foundation and keep doing those things that, you know, raise your frequency, make you feel better, make you feel stronger, make you feel more confident. And so what are some of the things that you do? You said prayer, you said meditation.

I have to meditate and I have to connect with myself God, spirit, universe, whatever anybody wants to call it. You know, I have to connect with that. And for me, that really grounds me. I journal as well. And reading also puts me in the right position because then it's kind of— those 3 things can allow me to get into a place where if things come at me, I'm able to get back to myself and be able to just ground and observe the situation with a little more time and make a better decision. Because sometimes if we're reactive. It's like, oh no, I gotta— and then it turns into this thing and it's like, wait a minute, hold on. And I feel like that stuff buys you time without you even thinking about it. And what I found was that when you're in that state, it's a lot easier to be brave. It's a lot easier to be courage when you're feeling good. Just like Tony Robbins said, it's everything is about your emotions. And if you feel like you're in a rough spot and you're not in a position to— you have to snap out of it. Well, then you got to figure out, well, how do I do this? Like, I can't go into this situation being like this. People depend on me. Like, the world needs me at my highest. So what does that look like? And for me, that's usually movement of some sort, sun, you know, slamming water. Usually, like, honestly, it can be as simple as just being dehydrated, going too much coffees, you know, too many of these ventis cannot—

Uh-huh.

Right? And it's like, well, why do I feel like garbage right now? What did I just do today? Ah, okay.

So to get—

Oh, I've done that. I've been like, why do I feel so crap? Why does my head hurt so bad? And I'm like, oh, because I've been at my computer all day long drinking coffee. I haven't eaten. And it's like, oh, getting back to basics. And something that you said reminded me of— I just interviewed Antonio Neves on the podcast, and he's got an incredible book out called Stop Living on Autopilot. And I think sometimes either when life is not good or life, when life is really good, it can start to get on autopilot where we're just going, we get so busy, things get busy. And he said something that I'll always remember. It says, play to win instead of playing not to lose.

Yeah.

And it's so important about getting intentional and really you being in the driver's seat of your life. And for me, in order to do that, I have to really start my day first thing in the morning. I get up before anybody else in the family gets up and I have my quiet time. So I set my day up and I get to start my day instead of waking up, grabbing my phone, and being reactive to emails and then social media and then having everybody, you feel like everybody's pulling at you instead of you being in the driver's seat and going, okay, no, this is, at least I get my breath, I get my meditation, I get my prayer, and now I can start. You know?

Yeah.

So I would rather lose a little bit of sleep so I can start my day that way than Feeling like I'm just chasing the day, you know?

Yeah. Do you notice that when you don't do that later on in the day that you just feel off? Like things frazzle you more than when you do do them?

Oh yeah, for sure.

It's amazing, isn't it? Like it's like, I know better. This is why I'm here right now because I didn't honor myself because I know and that's the thing our minds know as well. We're like, you know you could have done better, right? Like you could have probably got up early. You're like, yeah. But it's also important to not beat yourself up because if you beat yourself up, then it's counterproductive. It's like, you know, okay, well, I didn't do that today, but let's make a note of it and make sure that we do it tomorrow. You know, that's the thing too, because I think we can get in this hamster wheel of, I didn't do the things perfectly, so I suck at life. And like, these are the conversations, including myself, that I have some days. You beat yourself up and that doesn't work.

Mm-hmm.

Just understand the situation. Oh, okay. I didn't do that today. I don't feel great. Let's start tomorrow. Tomorrow's a new day, a clean slate, right?

Well, I think it's important to count your wins and celebrate your small victories along the way. And so that's why I think the gratitude list is important in the morning, but also at night. And also something I do that really helps is, you know, I'll have my head like full of things. I've got my to-do list and all these things. Oh, I didn't do these things. And if I just go do a brain dump and my desk is full of these little sticky notes everywhere, but I will write down everything that I'm thinking, oh, I didn't get that done or I didn't do that well or whatever. I'll write it down so I can let it go. Then I get in bed with my daughter and we talk about what was the best thing that happened today and what are you grateful for? Because it really starts to shift your mindset. So you stop beating yourself up and instead you celebrate what you did do.

Yeah.

Throughout the day. I think it's important because, yeah, I mean, shoot, I'm an overcoming perfectionist. I have that inner, I call it the beast that can be mean to me, you know? And so it's so important. I'm glad you bring up don't beat yourself up. But, you know, we have a lot of people that are really struggling right now with, you know, things are starting to open back up. So that gives us some hope. But that have really struggled, that haven't been able to have that human connection. And I think that's so important in order to heal. We're meant to connect. And sometimes when we're in the deep and thick of the pain, it's hard to see the lesson in it. What would you suggest to someone who is in the middle of a painful experience, and they're having a hard time seeing the lesson in it? What would you tell them to do?

Yeah, finding the gratitude in the adversity or the challenge and the struggles is so Important. And, you know, I invite the listeners to really understand this, in that it's easy to find the gratitude when things are going well, right? It's easier to look at things when everything's flowing and be, I'm grateful for this, right? And that's important. It's very important to be able to see the gratitude when things are challenging. And this is by, I think, One of the most important skills that one can learn is that, and it's very challenging, is that there is always something that is going to come at the other side of that. There's always going to be some sort of reward or some sort of, some, something that is going to level you up, right? So even in the moment, it may seem really challenging, but to really get comfortable with those because we know that when we can be comfortable and face that, that we know on the other side there's going to be something. And it's almost essential at getting to where we want to go. If you want to become, you know, the next level of your business or your life or your fitness journeys, you have to be able to overcome that level to get to the next level. So it's really getting comfortable with the challenge and loving it. Because if we don't love it, we don't understand what that challenge actually is, then we're going to want to retreat, we're going to run away. But we have to know that we are resilient. And there's times in our society right now where we're told we're not. But we have gotten through a lot of things. Look at you and your story, what you've gone through. Like, it's, it's so inspiring. And thank you. It's so inspiring. But you did it, you kept going. All these things, just understand that we can do this as human beings. We are resilient, brave creatures. We need to honor that within ourselves. So when something comes, just look at it. The first step is awareness, right? Be aware, like, okay, this situation, what is this? Okay, I have an understanding of it. Second is ask the question, what can I learn from this? What step do I want to take? Right? And the third is just action. Once you decide, just do it and don't look back. Because you know that when you do it over and over again, that there's always something that comes from facing a fear or a challenge. There's always a positive. So that is one thing that I feel that a lot of people, if they can master, is, is really important, is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, you know.

And yeah, that's easier said than done, isn't it? I also think that, you know, the awareness is sometimes hard. I think one of the biggest challenges for people is to be still and sit with their own thoughts. And I think that's why there was, you know, really high addiction rates and suicide rates through the pandemic, because people were used to keeping busy and doing things and moving and going and working. And all of a sudden, they're sitting with their own thoughts. And it's a tough thing to do. But if we don't feel those feels, they will come up.

Yeah.

In every aspect of our lives and the way that we love, the way that we parent, the way that we lead. It comes up in every aspect. So I think it is hard. One of the things that helps me is, like you do, is to journal and to really get it out. There's something very healing about journaling. As you're writing your book, do you feel that it's cathartic for you on this journey to be writing your— are you finished with the book, by the way?

Still writing it.

Yeah, when will it be done?

Probably by end of summer, midsummer-ish.

Yeah, that's amazing. I don't know, I just, you know, I think I would feel so— sometimes I do well under pressure, but I know you already have your book like for pre-sale. I think I would just feel such pressure if my book was on pre-sale and I had not finished writing it yet. I don't know if that, that way of doing it would work for me. I think because it took me 2 years to write my book because I had a lot of— I got sober in the middle of writing my book. That's, you know, I think writing and dealing with all those feelings in the middle of writing my book was very cathartic, but it took me to rock bottom. And so I had a little bit of time where I had to clean up my act, get my life together, and then I could finish writing my book. But I just wondered, you know, is it cathartic for you to be writing? And do you feel more pressure knowing that, oh my God, people have already preordered my book, I gotta get it finished?

Oh my goodness. Yeah, yeah, you nailed it, Amberly, is that as this conversation is going on, I'm going through a lot of that. I want everyone to know, like, this stuff is not— but it's so important that we have an understanding of when these challenges are happening. There is amazing rewards on the other side. And I would just love everybody to just understand that this isn't easy, but it can be easier if we just get more comfortable with being in the driver's seat, as you said, that these things will give you a level up or give you something on the other side of it. And right now, yeah, the pressure that I'm feeling with the book, the pressure I'm feeling with the summit, you know, I don't want to let people down. I have this constant like, who are you? You know, like, who are you to write a book?

Who are you?

I see the Lewis Howes of the world, the Tom Bilyeaus, the— all these people, and I think, who are you to think that you can do this?

And these are the conversations I have We all have those conversations, by the way. I mean I've been there. I've been there. I remember I felt the same way when I was writing my book. And I was like, who's going to care about what I write? And who's going to care about what I say on that TEDx stage? And all those things.

Yeah.

And so I focused on, you know what? There's one person out there that this maybe could change their life.

Mm-hmm.

And I just focused on getting out of my own head and staying in my heart and staying in my lane and doing one day at a time. And that's how you keep moving forward. And you know what? It is so worth it. Yes. So anybody listening who's wanting to write a book, it's life-changing. I highly suggest you do. This is your sign to write that book. And it is worth it because it is, for me, it's like a connector. It allows you to connect with other people and be on their podcasts, connect with other people and be on their stages. It's just the best, one of the best things I've ever done. So I can't wait to read your book. And I've already preordered my copy. I know you have. You do? You know I have?

Yeah. I It's amazing because sometimes in life we don't realize that these are the things we're asking for. And I asked for this. I asked for all the things coming at me. And then we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. And now I'm like, okay, I've called this stuff in because, you know, this is, this is the power of when you do the work on yourself and you manifest and, you know, you, you ask for the guidance. And, you know, it's really challenging for me, but I know that looking back, when I come look back on this conversation when I listen to this, you know, a year from now, it's going to be really amazing because we'll both have grown. We'll both be like, oh, remember when we were talking about this? And, you know, and, and it's really interesting to see that and feel that because I know on the other side of this is going to be so much, right? And in order for me to get to the level that I, that I demand for myself, I have to write the book. I got to throw the event. I got to do these things that are super uncomfortable for me. And, you know, I, I look at you and what you're doing with your story, and it's such an inspiration. I said that when you came on my show. It's, it's so empowering for people, you know, for what you've done. And you've been able to take such a crazy story and turn it into such positive things and such a message in your brand and everything. That's why I love this conversation, because I feel like both of us are on the path to really help people see the gratitude in the challenge. Because you will be rewarded. There will be a pot of gold on the other side. You know, like there always is in the cave, you know, the darkness in order to get— I just think it's really important everybody to really, you know, invite them to really think about that when a challenge comes. What can this teach me? How am I going to respond? Right? Will this help me get better?

Well, that is life-changing. I mean, that is my default now when anything bad happens. And actually, when Ruby and I got hit by a car, we were on our little Razors and we were almost through the crosswalk when a car, I guess he said the sun was in his eyes. I was like, holy crap, this guy is not slowing down. I don't think he sees us. And to see a car coming straight at you, and it hit both of us. And luckily, we were thrown and not rolled over. Was so crazy to see. You know, my daughter had our dog in a little backpack. So the dog went flying.

She went flying.

I went flying. Long story short, we got in the back of the ambulance. And one of the first things that I thought was, what did I not learn from my previous accident that I need to learn from this? What am I not getting? What do I need to learn from this? Because I do not want to be hit by another car again. And so I was like, okay, you know. And so instead of going to, yes, I was angry a little bit at first, but it was a little old man. And so I'm like, how are you going to be that mad? But when your kid is hit, mama bear comes out. And I was like, oh my. He was like, are you okay? I'm like, no, we're not okay. You know, we thank God the CAT scan came back. We were doing okay. My thumb is still messed up. This has been 6 months. And it burst the capsule in my thumb. You don't realize how much you use your thumbs until you can't use your thumb.

Yeah.

You can't open jars. You can't open your car door. It's crazy. You can't pull up your pants. Well, I figured it out. I figured all that out. But my default is to go, okay, what am I learning from this? And I went that quickly in the ambulance. I'm like, what am I learning from this? Not, oh, poor me. I'm like, and then I'm like, well, what can I do next?

Hmm.

Because if you don't get with that mindset, for me, I started playing into the victim mentality. And we can choose to be the victim of our life or the victor.

Yeah.

Talking about your summit, you've got huge speakers. You've got Dan Fleischman at your summit. Tell me some of the speakers that are going to be at the summit. And this is going to air like right before the summit. So if you're listening to this also, where can people find information about your summit? Because I'll be there, y'all. Yeah, I'll be there.

She'll be there. She'll be your— I remember the first person that I said to myself, like, she's got to be there.

Oh, thank you.

Because, well, your story is— it's the truth. Your story is so inspiring in the way you tell it, and you're just humble, and I, I just— I love you. And it's a— it's, it's gonna be an honor. So yeah, I had a really good conversation with Dan Fleischman. He was on the show, and it's funny because we talked. I said, if you came down to your last $1,000, you had nothing, and you had to do something You couldn't use any of your past connections. You couldn't do this. He was like, what would you do? He's like, I'd throw an event. I'd say, really? And he kind of like talked me through his event strategy and all that. And then at the end of the conversation, I texted him. I said, dude, I got to take your advice, man. I gotta bring you on the summit. He's like, I'm in. And he's just—

Oh, that's awesome.

He's just such an awesome guy. He's connected with some of the biggest people in the world, if not the biggest— yeah, if not the biggest person on social media and connector in the world right now. There's, there's no doubt.

And I got to speak at his mastermind.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah, I was so nervous. Let me tell you.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing. And that's why this is so cool. Because being able to connect with people and, you know, with podcasting, it's really the secret weapon to be able to really have these intimate conversations and get to know somebody because we get to have 2 of these powerful conversations. You're on my show, I'm on yours, we get to build this bond, this friendship that lasts forever. You know, and there's a lot of real— there's conversations that we have in our lives, but there's— it's rare that you get to have these like really deep conversations. And what I wanted to do at the summit was I wanted to say, okay, you know, we're 300+ episodes, 310 episodes or whatever. How can I bring together some of my most favorite guests, you know, and bring them into for like really transformational weekend? You know, it's kind of like my goal is to have the biggest transformational weekend event, and this will be in person eventually, but The best I can do right now is do a 3-day event. It's my first one. So bringing people like yourself, Danielle Delgado, Dan Fleischman, and there's going to be a lot of other really awesome names. Anthony Trucks.

I love Anthony.

Shay Rowbottom, who's got probably one of the biggest followings on LinkedIn, is an absolute genius on LinkedIn, and she's got a powerful story. So I've had a lot of great guests. It's, it's challenging to bring people all together. Because everyone's busy. Um, that's what I've noticed, but it's going to be awesome. We've got a ton of amazing people that are great, inspiring at what they do. Um, and it's just going to be awesome. So it's going to be from May 21st to the 23rd, and highly recommend everybody come check it out if you really want to immerse yourself in a healing transformational weekend. So yeah, and we can find all that out on my website lanceecos.com. It's all there.

So yeah, and I, I had a hard time pronouncing and spelling his last name when I first met him too. So don't worry if you're listening to this, it'll be in the show notes. So you can find it in the show notes. Before we go, I would love to know, what is your definition of resilience?

Oh, what a great question. My definition of resilience is that No matter what comes at you, you know that you have what it takes to get through the situation, that you as a human were built for resilience. You were built to get through challenges. You are here because you are able to get through challenges. So remember that no matter what happens, you are built for resilience and you can get over anything that comes your way.

Oh, I love that. Yeah, the human spirit is powerful beyond measure for sure. We can get through some tough times, mostly when we're together. I feel like when we do it together, we're stronger. So Lance, thank you so much for being on the show. I always love talking with you. I can't wait to read your book. Can't wait to talk to you again really soon for the summit. You guys, uh, what if you enjoyed this episode, any parts of it, if you take a little screenshot and share it on your Instagram, make sure you tag us so we can see it and thank you and share it too. Thank you for joining us. We'll see you next time.

Thank you so much.

Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Grit and Grace Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends.

That would help too.

If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to amberlylago.com and jump on it. While you're there, you can grab a free downloadable gratitude journal, and you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.