Level Up Your Relationships, Level Up Your Life with Rachele Brooke Smith & Emilio Palafox

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert and bestselling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace. Hello and welcome back to True Grit and Grace. I'm smiling so big right now because I have Rachel and Emilio here with me. They're the Relationship Renegades. Actually, they have the Relationship Renegades radio show, the coaching program, the Facebook group, the YouTube channel. And I had the honor of being on your show. And I don't just love your show, I love y'all so much.

Mm-hmm.

I just enjoyed getting to see you. last week. And I'm so grateful that you're here with us to share your wisdom on the show because I know how busy y'all are. So thank you so much for being here today. I'm so excited to talk with you.

Thank you so much for having us.

Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, likewise. Right back at you, Amberly.

Seriously, I've said many times, you're one of our heroes. So to be on your show, I mean, it seriously is like an honor.

Well, it was amazing. You know, sometimes we've known each other for a while, but just through social media. And we got to get together, um, and go outside and like see each other for the first time. We went to the barn and my— I was so excited. My husband got to meet you too.

Yeah.

And, and y'all are exactly like the bright lights that you are. Like, you just give this energy that is so beautiful and contagious, by the way. Like, you're around, it just, it feels good to be around you. But what you see, that magnetic energy and good vibes, like online, is I think even Even bigger in in person. Y'all are just so lovely, and I'm so excited to get into just some ways to heal and stop self sabotaging and really create a life and a relationship that you love because that's exactly what you do and you help others do now. But I do want to get started with how you got to where you are because. I mean, look, it— we're in LA. It's not easy to find the legit people. I mean, I mean, I've definitely been— I'm on my third marriage, so I've had a little bit of practice. But I would love— and I would love to know if you could tell us a little bit, Rachel, about how you grew up and then what, you know, brought you to LA and a little bit about your relationships And how you met Emilio?

Oh man, that's such a loaded question.

I know, it's like 5 questions.

I know, but I love it. I'll try and tell a short version of the story, but with as much, um, powerful moments as possible. You know, I grew up a competitive gymnast, and I learned the power of my mind in a negative way. And I learned hardcore our ability to manifest things, even really un— um, not good things in our life. And for me, It ended up in me constantly, honestly, being sick. I missed half the school year. I was throwing up all the time because I was so nervous about not being the best or getting yelled at. Ultimately, until I even shattered my hand. I have 6 pins in my hand. I had surgery on it, and I was 14 years old, maybe 13 years old, and I was happy that I shattered my hand because it was a way out of the stress that I felt and the pressure. And it was in that moment that it was just such a huge wake-up call. And I was just like, I, I can't do this anymore, you know? And but it was so hard for me to quit because that was my identity. That's who I thought I was. It was my life. It was my mom's life. It was my friends. It was everything. So getting up the courage to quit, even after manifesting a shattered hand, was still hard, was still terrifying. And but every part of my soul was like, I can't do this. And Basically, you know, finally got the courage to quit. And, uh, devastating. It was very traumatic, um, situations because I didn't know who I was anymore. My mom didn't want to talk to me, my friends didn't want to talk to me. And ultimately I saw a movie that changed my life, and I just said, that's what I want to do with my life. And—

What movie was that?

It was called Center Stage, and it was the first Center Stage. And I just never seen a dance movie before like that. And I went from feeling so lost and confused and discouraged to feeling so lit up with a dream and a passion. And I just like, that's what I wanted to do. And everybody told me I was crazy. And they're like, yeah, right, have fun trying. Nobody ever makes it. You're just a little girl from Phoenix, Arizona with no ties to the entertainment industry whatsoever. Come from a medical family. Me moving out to LA when I was 18, didn't know what I was doing. I was terrified. It was scary. Went through really bad heartbreaks along the way, tons of ups and downs, but ultimately having this really crazy, pretty miraculous thing happen. And I really believe it was because I was putting all of these things to practice that I was learning when it comes to manifestation and mindset and psychology that I had really become pretty obsessed with ever since I was 14, ever since I also saw that movie Center Stage. And I watched Center Stage all the time. I had vision boards of it. I wrote goal list of it. I was just, you know, reading all the books from Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay and all these people. And I just was trying to do everything I was learning. And honestly, at the point where people made fun of me, they're like, Rachel, come to this party with me. And I was like, no, I gotta go to this self-development conference. And I was—

How old were you when you were going, when you had started that, go reading those books? And—

Yeah, 14.

Um, 14?

Yeah, 14. And it was out of necessity. And Emilio will tell his story too, but he kind of has a similar thing that happened to him. Because I learned the power of my mind in a negative way, and I grew up so stressed out and so anxious and so afraid and so fearful all the time, it was like as soon as I started reading this, I was like, your thoughts matter. Like, they affect the way that you feel, and it can change everything.

Mm-hmm.

Like, and I can change my thoughts, and it can create a different feeling inside of me, and then a different action, a different response to life. And anyways, it just— I was just like, how come nobody told me this when I was 5? And putting all those things to practice, literally, I'm going to cut the story short, but I talk about it at length when I, you know, do speaking and stuff, is that I ended up playing the lead role in the sequel to the film that changed my life when I was a little girl. And that was my first acting job, like my very first. And it was crazy. Like, and—

And it's amazing, by the way. And, you know, in my experience is very similar to yours about moving to Los Angeles. And I had so many people that were like, oh, you'll, good luck with that. And, you know, and even my family who, you know, they meant well, but they were scared for me. And my mom, I remember the look on her face. She was like, don't take all, why are you taking all that stuff? You're going to be back in 2 weeks.

Yeah.

And then my stepmother, the last thing my stepmother said to me before I left was, I think you're making a big mistake. And now it's 30 years later and I'm still here. But there were a lot of naysayers along the way, and I think it was out of, out of their fear. But I didn't really know about manifestation or, or anything like that until I got to be in my 40s. And so I think it's incredible that at such a young age you were actually manifesting things, but also You took accountability for shattering your hand, which a lot of people would be like, that was a freak accident, I did not do that. But because you were like relieved from it, you were like, huh, maybe this is my answer. Like, this is not for me. Um, so I think it's so important to listen to your gut and your intuition and your calling.

And yeah, well, and that didn't happen— that realization I think didn't happen until a while later, you know, because—

Yeah.

And it's interesting though, because You know, we talk about often how, you know, especially when it comes to relationships, I had done all this work on like mindset and personal development, and I read all these books about manifestation or psychology or law of attraction or, you know, entrepreneurship stuff, but I had never read anything about a relationship book. You know, I had never read about specifically on relationships communication. And, you know, even though I manifested, you know, Center Stage or Bring It On or, you know, all the other countless films that I've been so grateful to be a part of. I had such unhealthy relationships and I felt so lonely and unsupported and unloved and not good enough and all these things. And so it was this constant internal battle because I knew these things on the side of all this mindset stuff, but internally, like, my relationship with myself sucked. And, and therefore all my relationships with you know, boyfriends and even friends and even family were not that great. And it hit a point of getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of all these really toxic, unhealthy relationships and crying myself to sleep and not knowing what to do and feeling so frustrated and alone and confused because I kept attracting these kind of people into my life. And I knew they weren't good for me, but I didn't know I could change it. I didn't realize— I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I hit that sick and tired moment. And I was like, that's it. Like, I am going to read every relationship book and every communication thing, and I just want to get good at this relationship thing. And I realized that nobody had ever taught me. Like, I never took a relationship class. I never took— so no wonder—

That's dumb.

Why I wasn't good at them, you know? But the quality of our life is based on the quality of our relationships, yet it is not necessarily a focus for most of us, especially when we feel like it should be, you know, at Day one, you know.

Yeah, well, I think it's all— I think it's a lot about your values. And, and, and I know, but you know what, I really admire that you were like, I'm gonna read all these books on relationships and all that. Well, by my second divorce, I was the opposite. I was like, I'm gonna be by myself. I've got my daughter, I got my career. But I understand what you're saying about all relationships, but I was kind of like I think I'm done with guys. Like, I, you know, and then I met Johnny, who y'all met. But Emilio, where are you originally from?

I'm originally from El Paso, Texas, West Texas, border town.

Yeah.

And I was there, you know, always want to be in the entertainment industry? No, I mean, I recently got into entertainment just because of her. That's not my main thing. No, I mean, I grew up in El Paso, Texas, small town. Um, in a small house, kind of, you know, really USA poor, and was there until 18 years old before moving out to college. You know, my story is a little bit— I don't know if you want to get into that or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell us.

Yeah, I mean, so, you know, my story is— so I grew up in a domestic violence, uh, type household. Uh, my dad was very abusive to my mom, uh, mainly verbally but sometimes physically. And, um, you know, to kind of paint a simple picture, it was I remember really back until about 2nd grade where I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what my dad was going to do to my mom.

Oh.

And so I remember at 2nd grade getting off my bed and going near to my door and just kind of, you know, putting my ear there, maybe opening up the door a little bit so that I can hear. And they were right across from me. My sister was the door right next to me, and then across from that was the bathroom. And there was just that one little hallway, you know, with the little room, like living room and kitchen, and that's about it. It was very kind of Small, small place. But I would just wait and listen. And then when something did happen, you know, I'd find my mom either inside or outside another room, or— and/or my sister, you know, they were crying and sobbing. And so I'd kind of go up there and just kind of be with them. Sometimes I would say something, sometimes I wouldn't. But I kind of— I kind of grew up that way, just very much in a fight-or-flight survival mode. Grew up very fast, you know. I remember the— a lot of the fights were because of Finances, which of course the main thing. And I remember seeing this at such an early age that I wanted to help. And so I remember like we had chickens in the backyard, kind of a random fact. And I remember like seeing if we could sell some chicken eggs to my neighbors, doing lawnmower services, cleaning out closets so that I can bring back some change to like give to my dad or mom, like, here you guys go. But I just kind of grew up very fast that way and developed this kind of, I guess, understanding and compassion for both sides because it was almost kind of like living with like an angel, my mom, and like my dad, the devil. It was like this two sides. And it was just interesting because during that time, whether it was in the household or outside, like in school with friends or family or strangers, I was always the kid that, like, people would just come to— friends, family, strangers, whoever— and, like, tell me their life story and drop just all the baggage, if you will. And I never knew why at the time. So I just would listen. Again, say some things, maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I'd just kind of be there for them. And that kind of carried along through. I wanted to become like a, you know, not the entertainment route. I wanted to become like a family therapist. I wanted to counsel, and that's kind of where I wanted to be, and that's where my passion was. But I was like the only one to, uh, go to college. No one in my family had ever gone to college. And so of course I went to college and was thinking about how to, you know, make money, something lucrative, because of seeing the way we grew up.

Yeah.

And so went like finance accounting route, did like oil and gas financial analyst consulting for like 10+ years. you know, after college in Houston, Texas. But, you know, there was a point where I just— I was kind of dying inside. Like, the more I wanted to help people so bad, like, my inner kid was like, you know, wanted to help so bad. And there was a moment that, you know, I decided to finally quit all of that and really pursue my purpose and passion, which is a lot of what we do now.

Mm-hmm.

But I mean, it took a long way. Like, similar to Rachel, because I didn't want to become my father, That was like my number one mission, first and foremost, when I was a kid. And I remember in 6th grade is when I found the Barnes Noble right next to my grandmother's place when she was taking care of us. And I remember just kind of going in there. Somehow I found the self-help section and started reading some books in 6th grade and kind of on that self-development journey. And so, you know, we, very similar to Rachel, started at a very young age. But it's challenging. It's hard. It's definitely a journey. So I mean, I Failed forward, like the 10,000 times. I became my father many times in toxic, toxic relationships over and over and over again. And so, yeah, I mean, I think the 10,000, the 10,000, uh, toxic relationships, if you will, and just constant deep inner work, especially after I called it quits with my career.

Mm-hmm.

And then had like a 2-year journey where I was on the couch of friends and family and strangers and just being humbled greatly. was kind of the biggest blessing for me that allowed me to attract and really co-create a relationship that Rachel and I have right now. And it's one of the biggest blessings and gifts of my entire life. And I think like one of the quotes out there says, it's like one of the purposes of life is to like find your gift and to give it away. And so I want to be able to give that away. We want to be able to give that away in every way, shape, or form that we can, that people can find their love and the lifestyle they've always wanted.

And something real quick is I want to point out that, you know, I think we talk about a lot is In both of our stories, right, like the seemingly worst things that ever happened ended up being the very best things that ever happened.

Oh yeah.

In hindsight. In the moment, it's hard and it sucks and you feel lost and confused. Um, you know, because in his story and in my story, there are so many other like very, very, very challenging moments where you feel like you're broken or breaking and—

Oh, lots.

Like, you know, where you're just cry, you know, it was so many nights, like just going to the beach and just like bawling my eyes out and even jumping in the ocean and just, you know, crying and praying for help. Because I felt so frustrated and lost. I know for him as well, like going to the park at night and doing that.

Yeah.

And I think one of our biggest missions is to disrupt the perception of suffering. Because I think our relationship to pain, similar to how you talk about it, not just physical pain, but emotional pain, Once we realize that, like, okay, this hurts so bad right now, but what if there's this gift that's happening within this moment that I can't see right now? But if I can have this almost like gratitude, even for the painful moments, because it's in those moments that we really do change. And then when we stop resisting— It's like the resistance to the suffering that causes pain, not necessarily just the pain itself. Like when I try to push and suppress and deny and hide It's, it's so much more painful and we can never really heal. Um, but when we can accept and just embrace and just like, okay, I'm going through this right now and I need help and I surrender, like magic happens.

Well, I think that's, that is where transformation begins, when you take radical acceptance for, for where you are on your journey. And that's hard. I mean, Oh, hard for me. But I wanted to ask you, so you had been through some relationships and you're like, oh, another toxic relationship. And I know I did that where I was like, oh, finally, okay, I met the guy. He's the one. He's different. He doesn't have long hair. He's not like— I would be like—

Amazing.

What it was every single time I was picking the, the men that were emotionally unavailable, and I could spot them across the room. I'd be like, oh yeah, he's the one. He's the one. Not be there for me. I'm gonna pick him. And it's amazing how much we— how we grow up.

Hmm.

Whether we were— and even if we're like, I am not gonna be like my dad or my mom or whatever we tell ourselves, That we can— we start to take on that role. And they even have those commercials out right now. I don't know what, what commercial it is. It's like there's some funny commercial that's out right now, and they have classes on how to not grow up to be like your parents or something.

Oh wow.

Every time I see it, but it's crazy, like our childhood. And I think about this so often as a mom, like How are my children perceiving me, you know? And how are they going to grow up and have a relationship? And I've even told Johnny sometimes, I'm like, do you see how you're treating me right now?

She—

your daughter is going to pick a man that treats her exactly like that, so you better watch it, buddy. You know? But he's like, oh God, she's tough. She's— and I'm like, no, but it's—

it—

we do that sometimes, whether we—

It's true.

Or meaning to or not.

Yeah.

But I wanted to ask both of you, were you at a place where you had kind of— because for me, when I met Johnny, I was like, I'm done. I'm not really looking. I'm just going to focus on getting better. And so I can be, you know, the best version of myself. I need to obviously work on myself. My picker is broken. I keep picking the wrong guy.

My picker's broken.

Broken picker. And so, and I was like, I'm gonna be by myself. And then comes Johnny. Were either of you, were you like searching for the love of your life, or were you kind of like, I'm good, I think I, I don't know if I really need a relationship, and that's when you found each other? Or what was it like for you?

Yeah, I mean, well Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think, you know, 100%, it was in the moment that I, one, finally started doing things that I never did before, when I finally figured out what my childhood wounds were, and really started to work on those and heal those and start choosing different, you know, so much of our brand, Relationship Renegades, is renegades for a reason, because renegade is all about when you find— when you finally choose different, when you go against the grain.

Yeah.

So it was definitely in those moments of after I got sick and tired when I really started to go within and be like, oh man, I am pretty much same with you. I'm done. Like, I don't want to do this anymore, and I'm going to start choosing differently.

Mm-hmm.

And, and I remember even the relationship before him, it was the first time when I had been reading all these books and doing all this stuff and learning so much and feeling different and feeling like, oh, I get why I had all these issues. Like, I get it. Um, and I was like, and this time I'm gonna be all in. Because that was one of my past patterns, was that I was always kind of like half in, half out.

Hmm.

Kind of because I was little, I always had this feeling, like this knowing of this essence of a guy I was supposed to be with. And so even though I would fall in love with other people, great guys, I'd always kind of— I had to learn that a lot of it was, was me, you know. I had to learn that I was blaming them for having trust issues When in reality I had some honesty issues. You know, I think a lot of times we want to blame it on the other person, but what we found is it always usually comes back to something we're doing. And, um, that it's empowering because we have something to change it. And we'll get more into that later.

Yeah.

But basically, when he did show up, was in a place when it was like in this previous relationship, I went all in. I was like, okay, I'm going all in. I'm not repeating old patterns anymore. And I'm going all in and I'm using the stuff I'm learning and I'm communicating different and I'm being more authentically me. And he— I got a wake-up call of— it was the first time where he wasn't half in, half out. And I started realizing that I was doing my all just like past relationships had done with me, but I got the roles reversed.

Which is harder, isn't it?

It was hard. It was like a hit to my ego. Big time. But it was something like— it was, I really think, like a huge lesson I had to learn before I could really attract him. And I had to really learn that one of my— a childhood thing for me was that I grew up with a really— in a really religious family, and I had a really hard time telling my father the truth. And I never put two and two together that that was a huge reason why I had such a hard time being fully honest with men. And I had done all this work and I knew I had— I would hide things. I knew I wouldn't tell the full truth and I would just be like, why do I do this? Why? And why is it so hard for me when I'd watch my friends just be able to be fully honest? I was like, literally my heart was like, how do you do that? Like, aren't you scared that they're not going to love you anymore? Don't you want to just tell them? Don't you need to tell them what they need to hear? Because, because then they'll love you, you know. If you don't, then they're not going to love you. And I had such a hard time breaking that pattern until I really did the work with coaches and through like hypnosis and through journaling and through breathwork, all these different tools to realize that like, oh my gosh, I picked this up as a pattern when I was like 6, you know, or whatever, how old. And it's been so wired in me that I can just hide things and then I'll get love. You know, because that's what I felt. I felt like if I told the truth to my dad, then I would get in trouble, or I would get yelled at, or I wouldn't be loved anymore. And so that's why I had such a deep-rooted issue. But as soon as I figured it out, I would be like, oh, I don't need to do this anymore. You know, logically, it does not make sense. And then—

Isn't that crazy?

It's nuts.

I mean, I say that because I have been— I mean, I grew up in a very, very religious family. As well. And I mean religious, like you did not miss church.

Yeah, same here.

I mean, in Texas they had the— I don't even know if they have the blue ribbon law. Like you couldn't even buy toys or work tools or anything on Sunday. Sunday was a day of rest. And so it's still kind of weird for me because on Sundays is my day of prepping for the week ahead. And there's still like this pull in me of, oh, today I'm not supposed to do anything, you know? And I'm like, but no, I have to do stuff. Like, I gotta get stuff done.

Yeah. Um, but it was so deeply rooted. It's so deeply rooted.

Deeply rooted. And it was also— my family was very, very upset because when I was 22, I got pregnant and I wasn't married. In fact, um, my daughter is now 25, and she just the other day, she was like, oh, you were pregnant and you weren't married? And I said, well, I married him when I was 8 months pregnant. But that was like a big no-no. Like, you do not— it was living in sin.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? So does your family— have they eased up on the, like, you guys living together and you're not married yet? I mean, I know that you're engaged and all that exciting stuff. But I mean, is that deeply rooted in them? Did they have a problem with you guys living together before you were like hitched? Or were they fine?

No, I mean, I think that they were very under— I think at least in both, and especially in my family, it's— we went through some huge changes. And I think all of us have had to learn the hard way to have a more personal relationship with our Creator rather than a very rigid Um, one. And so there's— but it's been a journey, and that's a whole other story.

It is.

In fact, Johnny, when I told him, I was like, honey, I get to go talk to Rachel and Emilio, he's like, oh, you're gonna talk about the, the religious story?

You're gonna talk about—

he goes, that's a big one. But that's the first thing he asked. We could do like a whole episode.

Yeah, that's a whole other episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that.

We'll do that sometime too, because I think it's important.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, Radical acceptance, you know. I think for— we're human, we're flawed, we're gonna mess up, we're not gonna understand each other, we're not gonna have the same viewpoints, we're not gonna have the same beliefs.

Yeah.

And I think, you know, one of the biggest things though is that, you know, especially coming from like a Christian background, is like love, you know. It's just love. And when you can just love each other through it and support each other through it, like whatever it is, even my darkest things that I was so programmed to believe were sinful. I had to work really hard to develop my own personal relationship with my Creator, not based on what other people had told me, not based on the rules that I heard. It was more so like, what feels good for me and my life?

Yeah.

What feels good for us and our life? And I think it's so difficult to live your truth when we're so programmed by so many things. Um, but it's so— I feel like if we don't find our own truth, our own relationships, well, with ourselves, with others, with your creator, yeah, we're just— it will— we'll forever feel trapped, you know, because we're living a lie that doesn't feel authentic to us. And it probably is going to be uniquely different to everybody because we're all so uniquely different. And so, but I think just having that radical acceptance Um, has just been something that has been so huge in our relationship with our families, with our friends, with each other.

Yeah.

And it is hard, but just like—

It is. But I want to ask both of you, I want both of you to take a moment, if you would, to answer this question. Um, but, but you talked about, you know, that the, the childhood wounds, those like deep wounds that like sometimes you don't even realize they're there until you're older. Um, actually, I was in the middle of doing an interview with a guy, his name's Stefanos, and he does a lot of relationship, uh, coaching and therapy and such. And he, like, in the middle of me interviewing him, I started crying because he said, where does that come from, Amberly? What happened in your childhood? You know?

And I was like, We're going deep here.

And I'm like, let me wipe the tears. Okay. But I didn't realize a lot of what— how I grew up, how it really impacted me. And because all that comes up in who we pick to be with us, how we have relationships, not with just our, you know, loved ones, but work relationships, the relationship with ourself, everything it impacts. So My question is, how do you heal that wound, like that child, that inner child that just needs to be loved or forgiven or supported? How do you do that? What are some of the things you've done to work through that process?

Yeah, I mean, I can go ahead and start on this one. So I think it's like Rachel said, it's going to be unique to everybody. You know, often they talk about the analogy of like a mountain, right? And You can go and hike that mountain, and there's going to be different trails up that mountain. And so along that trail, you're going to have, you know, different roadblocks and different ways where you might have to take a right or take a left, and you might— you're trying to go up and it's like you can't, so you got to go right. I mean, so I think there's different trails. For me, I can just speak personally, and actually this kind of hits your prior question as well as this one, because I wasn't looking for Rachel because I had finally And this is kind of like the punchline, and then to reverse engineer, because I'd finally loved myself enough and completely and was whole to finally find another whole person. Because I was always half empty and I was always finding other half-empty people. Like, you know, you find what you are essentially.

Mm-hmm.

And so when I reverse engineer that, like, the trail that I went through is that, you know, there was a lot of anger issues that I had to get through. that I not only learned from my father, but also this, this energy. A lot of people don't realize that, you know, in a family— we were talking about this earlier, right? Uh, you were joking about Johnny and stuff and like, hey, you know, watch out. Because, you know, like, let's say if my mom was hearing a lot of, you know, anger and screaming and yelling all the time, and my mom, if she didn't do anything, but if she felt anger, if she felt a certain way and never expressed it, that energy that arose within her energy has to go somewhere. So if she keeps it inside, they call it carrier energy. So then that has to go somewhere. So if it's— if it doesn't go to my dad or my mom, I'm the one viewing it, it goes to me. So I'm getting that energy. And of course that shows up in relationship after relationship. So for me, there was a lot of key things for me. I would say one of the biggest things is that I had a— on an umbrella kind of topic here is what's called— what they call savior complex.

Hmm.

I, I wanted to save people. And obviously that for me at the core was because I saw my sister and mom suffering as a little kid, and I wanted to save especially women from crying.

Wow.

And so I would always go—

Powerful.

Yeah.

So I'm just like thinking of my— of Johnny and like what he saw as a child and maybe why he has a hard time seeing me cry when I cry.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh yeah. Oh, and it's so hard. And, and a lot of women used to abuse that to me. And so like, for instance, so then I would always go and seek subconsciously, consciously, non-consciously women that quote unquote needed to be saved. Like if they were going through a whole long thing— excuse me— it was like, I could help you, I can fix you. Whether I verbalized that or not, it was like, I want to help, like let me. But they were going through a lot of, a lot of things, and like my whole essence was like, here, let me come fix you, which that's not my job.

Yeah.

Right? My job is to just create space and, and be here to love and support you and to, to grow with you, to grow with each other like, like we do, and consciously do that every day. But I kept attracting that, and it got to a point where I put everyone first except me, right? I never cared about myself. I was always just creating an avatar, like Rachel said, of what this other person is going to fall in love with. Wasn't really authentically me. I wanted to be what societal thought this man this awesome man was and, uh, would always just try to be that. And I would attract those types of women into my life until it got to many toxic relationships. Like the one that's coming up at the present moment is— I mean, to give you an example, and this may sound extreme, but I mean, she could have shot my sister and, and I'd be like, oh my God, how could you do that? But then she would start crying, and then I'd be like, oh my God, are you okay? Like, it didn't matter what she did to me. It was like she was crying and I needed to go save her. And like, because everything in my essence, my core, was like, oh my God, this is my mom, this is my sister, I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to cry. And she knew my buttons. Uh, certain women did. And no matter what they did, like cheating on me a bunch or whatever it may be, which was true in a lot of cases in my relationships, But if they cried, then it didn't matter. Like, I needed to go save them. And it got so toxic over and over with a lot of things that they were abusing me on. I mean, I wasn't perfect either. Like, I would then react very much like my dad when things were done to me.

So let me ask you, did you ever get angry when they would cry? Or were you more like, let me console you, let me save you?

So if this was like, let's say, 10 years, and it was probably a lot longer than that, 15, 20 years, From this point to maybe midpoint, it was always trying to save them, console them, never got angry. It was like I was angry and then dropped into complete— like many, many, many numerous years, up until the point where then I started to kind of get frustrated and angry. Like, you know what, uh-uh. Like, you, you know what you're doing right now. You know my story. This is hurting me. And then we just let them cry to the point where I knew consciously that, for instance, this one particular relationship, and it was hard. It was the most hardest. And this was one of the most breakthrough things because if we don't address our childhood problems, they'll show up in your relationships.

Mm-hmm.

And so one of my childhood traumas is trying to save other people, not myself, at the really end punchline here. But so then midpoint to the endpoint was— and it was so hard because it might sound horrible. But she did, you know, she would cheat on me and I'd find out, and then she would bring up her mom having passed away a couple years ago and how much it hurt her. And she doesn't have— she didn't have any friends. She had a, uh, not a great relationship with her father. She really had nobody, nowhere to live, nor— I was just taking care of her completely. And then I would find these things of what she did to me with other guys, and then she would pull the mom card out And normally when I would go and console her, this time I was like, no, I slept in the other room and would hear her cry for 4 hours plus, like sobbing, like agony. And she was going through a lot, but that was like the first start of then 2 more years of similar things where it broke me to pieces hearing this stuff. And it was this constant emotional roller coaster of like You hurt me so much, and now you're crying, and I want to hurt you, but I— and I want to console you, but like, enough is enough. Like, I have to— like, I'm, I'm suffering here.

Yeah.

And it got to a point where I finally had to— you know, the— when I finally found out, like, all these things that she had done to me behind the scenes in so many different ways, that like crushed my soul and my heart. You know, I also thought that I was going to eventually marry this woman. And, uh, when I thought I should have broken up 6 months, was actually took 3 years for me to do it. And, uh, like 3 years, my gosh. And I finally— I had to go. I remember going to Denver, Colorado. I was doing some consulting there. I left on Monday when I found out a whole bunch of stuff, and I was gonna end it. And this was like the 100th time that I was gonna end it, you know?

Yeah, I think everybody that's listening totally has been there. I swear, I was like that in a relationship, and I'm like, why did I spend like 6 years with this guy. And it was like something would just like pull me back in. I was a fixer too. I wanted to fix him. He's— let me fix him. Let me make him happy. Let me fix them all up. And then, yeah. So I know people listening are like, yeah, I've been there.

So yeah. And so it was— it wasn't until, you know, to conclude the story, it was just, you know, I came back and I remember coming back on Thursday afternoon. When I normally came back from consulting Monday through Thursday, back and forth. And she had written Post-it notes all over our house of all the reasons why she loved me and all that kind of stuff. And this was like the thousandth straw. Like, there was no— there was no way. I'd finally made my decision. I started to finally love myself enough to say no more. And it was even the hardest thing because I come back to all these things like, oh my gosh. And she was like at her—

At her little nutty though.

No. Yeah. And so Oh my gosh. And so I just finally did this, what they call now conscious uncoupling, whereas like the next day, you know, I said, you got to move everything out of the house, blah, blah, blah. And finally just said, look, when she had everything moved and the day was there to move out, I was just like, look, I want to express all the good, the bad. I want to say that I love you and thank you for these chapters. Just like said everything I needed to say. Same with her. We looked each other in the eye, we kissed, we hugged, we said goodbye.

Mm-hmm.

And then, you know, close the door. fell down, you know, after closing the door, broke down, and then started my journey, right, of self-healing. And inevitably, it is, it is the journey to finally loving myself. Because if I loved myself back then— because people are always like, what do you mean, do I love myself? Of course I love myself. But if I loved myself back then, I wouldn't have put myself through pain and suffering.

Mm-hmm.

And so when I think we always say, once you fill up your cup, really, they say it all the time, but it's so true. When you love yourself and are complete, Then you will find the other complete person. And until you fill up your cup, like when we take dating, like stop dating, like date yourself and fill yourself up. Once you're so complete, and that's when— that answers the other question you said too. And I'll just kind of stop here to have you share, my love, is that Yeah. finally I like love myself. And, and the journey was men's work, shadow work, it was breathwork, it was meditation, it was all these routes up the mountain, right? It's all the different things. And maybe And a little bit after you sharing, love, we can actually give the practical, maybe tips and examples of those actual things. But I wanted to— I guess what came up in the present moment was to share that, because at the essence, that was— it was almost like finding what the core situation is.

Yeah.

And me saying goodbye, even when she was suicidal too, I didn't say that. It was like the biggest, the biggest thing. And when I did that, everything changed because I had chosen myself finally. And, and then that's—

That's powerful though, and I'm glad you brought up the part about the suicidal part because I've been in that position where, you know, someone is— they, they're playing— they're actually— they were playing that card. Not that that's a card to be played, but they, they knew that that would get me, that, that would keep me if they said they were gonna kill themselves if they said that, I, I don't want to live anymore without you, I can't live anymore without you. And they—

Yeah.

And I remember that moment of going, it, it rips your heart out, but it's a moment where you're like, wait a minute, this— first of all, I, I sent them the suicide hotline number is what I did. I did not know what to do. I'm like, yeah, this is more— this is way out of my scope of practice. I don't know what to do here. Um, so here's the number. Like, I Googled it. I Googled, what do I do? I had no idea. And then I was like, I can't do this anymore. This is manipulative. This is unfair. I don't deserve this and I don't want this. And it was really getting clear with boundaries. And I think so often when we get really Well, so often when I'm like, I need to work on my boundaries, that's when the universe will be like, here, let me— yes, let you test those boundaries. Come on, I'll give you this and this and this and this. And it's like, yes. Oh my gosh, you know, I swear that happens all the time.

Like, yeah, it does.

Did I just manifest that?

Like, how did that happen?

You know? But it's, it's really, it's really tough and it is a process. And, and I'm glad that you brought up all the work that you do around getting through those too.

Share what happened. I think it's powerful for anyone here because I also too went through that, you know. And it is just— I mean, it, it is— you feel so trapped and you feel so— you feel trapped, small, and, and small. Yes, like so trapped and so small and so like just your world Is like crumbling in on me, you know, because they're— what happened a couple years later.

Right, yeah.

You know, to realize that sometimes we feel like, yeah, we do leave that person, that they, that they will do something harmful or that it won't be good. And obviously not everybody's story.

Yeah.

But I think it's important with this story to hear what happened.

Yeah, for sure. I think, um, it's only— it was only hurting both of us, right, being together. Like, we weren't happy. So like, what are we doing here? And ultimately, obviously the one thing that I thought would have, you know, because I used to find her in the bathroom like hanging herself, and that's a whole nother— like all the things that you were— that we were saying right now, it's where like it was that, you know, it was that bad. And so anyway, when I finally did that, uh, about a year and a half later, uh, I was living in Austin at the time because I moved cities. And when I came back to Houston for I think some gathering that we had, we went to a yoga class. It was outdoors. And right before we started the yoga class, I saw her like in the corner and we waved. I'm like, oh my gosh. And I went over there and said hi, and she just had a different essence. It was like the weight off of her shoulders. She was this— just, you could see the beautiful soul that she always was, that, you know, that. And I hugged her and she just lied, and it was just a great embrace. And she had a boyfriend, she was traveling around the world, she seemed very happy and just full of love. And I was like so, so happy for her. And at the time, I was still single doing my journey and all that. But it was one of the most greatest things to see because she was doing— she, she— and she had gone, we talked, and she had gone and, you know, done her journey. But it's almost like sometimes, well, I guess in mine, like, if I keep helping her, then I'm just enabling her. Because just like all of us, like, we all need to do our work. Like, someone can't climb the mountain for us.

Like, we have to climb the mountain. You're exactly right. And you know what? They have to hit their rock bottom.

Exactly.

We keep saving them. They have to hit their rock bottom, and then they have to be willing to do the work. You can't do it for them. You can't.

And yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and just like you were kind of talking about, you know, before with the whole like, um, well, I'll just, I'll just say this, you know, I think so many times people ask like, okay, well, where do I start? Like, how do I get there? Because I keep doing these things and I keep attracting these kind of people that I don't want to attract anymore, you know. And I think one of the Greatest— everybody talks about like, oh, write a list of everything you want in a partner, right? And just have that list and know exactly what you want and even, you know, what you don't want so that you can set boundaries. But I think even more than that, even more than just having a list, because I had lists, I had great lists, you know, but—

I learned I had to get real specific.

Yeah.

With the list.

Yeah. And I would always get 80% of the list right when I would attract people and they had different things like, oh, he has this, he has this, this, and this. And then there was always this, like, you know, some of those deal breakers though that I would justify and that I would tolerate. And I'd be like, well, but he has the whole 80% though. And it wasn't until I really learned that there's a whole second part of that practice, you know, that you write out the list of everything you want and then you hold yourself accountable for being that list, right?

Mm-hmm.

Because I can't— I attract what I am. And so just like Emilio said, if I'm— if my cup is only half full, I'm going to continually attract other people whose cup is also half full. And I can't— like, if my dream guy's up here, who is honest and authentic and brave and courageous, caring and compassionate, but I'm down here because I'm hiding things or I'm suppressing things or I'm whatever, I can't ever align with them. It isn't until I go, okay, I'm going to heal my own stuff. I'm going to finally figure out why I keep doing Yeah, these old patterns and what happened in my childhood, where'd I pick them up from, um, and how can I go back with guided meditation and coaching and, you know, breathwork or journaling, all the different things that you can do. Um, we really believe it's just like everybody's so unique, so you have to kind of try all these different things and see what works for you. And, and then, and then be able to really— when— and you'll know, like, you'll know when you start figuring these things out that it's like Oh, that's why I do this. That's why I do— that's why I picked it up. Um, and then it's really the work of— and I hold myself accountable to really being that list— I really feel like is when, if you're already in a relationship, that relationship gets so much better. And/or if you're really looking to attract that person, yeah, that you do attract them. But it will come when you're like, all right, I'm not looking, I'm just working on me, I'm just gonna fill myself up, I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna Well, yeah, and I love that.

Be the list. Like, really be, be the list. Because I mean, there's so— and I think this probably happens a lot in LA as well as— and I mean, I've had clients that were, that are like, yes, I just— I mean, I've had, uh, female clients that really successful. Like, this is a long time ago. uh, that were very successful, and they're like, yeah, you know, I just want to find a guy that's going to take care of me. That was their goal. That was their goal. I want a guy. And I think so. I think it's really important. And look, there's nothing wrong with that, to each their own.

Yeah.

But I think it's really important to, to know what your values are. So for me, you know, my second marriage, he was a great guy, still great guy. He's a good guy, sweet. Our values weren't the same. So to me, family comes first, you know?

Yeah.

And if you pick a guy where maybe their family's not first, they're going to put their work above you. They'll put their friends above you. They won't, you know, and, and for instance, in my relationship, we would have, we would set a date night. And he— I'd be home all dressed up and he would forget that we had our date night. I'm like, how could you forget date night? And that happens, you know, time and time again. And you're like, this isn't working for me. You know what I mean? But I think that a lot of times it takes grit to have a successful relationship. And I only say that because Well, I didn't know when I wrote my book that there was a book out there called Grit. And after I wrote my book, actually, I didn't even read that many books, to be honest with you. Like, when I wrote my book, I wasn't a big reader. I would just— somebody said, have you read the book by Angela Duckworth called Grit? And I was like, no. And I love that her, you know, what she says about grit is your ability to work hard towards a goal or something for long periods of time. And that really is a marriage when you're going through difficult moments or challenges, especially with what we're going through right now with the pandemic. And there's so many people that are either looking for love or there are people that are under the same roof and they're driving each other batty. I mean, they're driving each other crazy.

Right.

And so I think that it does take some grit and it takes a whole lot of of grace. And it shouldn't be that hard, but it is work. If you— if I think if you want to have a successful relationship, you have to put the work into it. So it's not just about healing from, do you know, for therapy, breathwork, yoga, writing, writing that list, being that list. But it is like a willingness to work towards the relationship. And do you guys have Like a date night, or how do you do it all? Because you work together, you do your radio show together, you do coaching together, you do speaking together.

Yeah.

How do you work and you're together a lot?

Yeah.

And then you still— I mean, you're so loving towards each other, and I love how you call each other love because Johnny doesn't call me that. He calls me crazy. Which I kind of like too, that— but that's his term of endearment for me is, okay, crazy, you know what I mean? But how do you do it? Do you have date nights or what do you do?

So, well, so I'll just say that, you know, right now we're— I think there's different chapters in life.

Yeah.

And, and so we do, but we do and we don't, and I'll, and I'll explain. Um, it's this beautiful balance. And so I think there's different chapters in life, and right now we're in growth mode in a lot of ways, not only with Relationship Renegades, with the masterminds, the coaching, the radio show, all the other things that we do, her TV and film, but we also do like 3 other businesses, like with the technology and e-learning and all these other things. And it's like we've chosen together to be a part and those things are aligned and to really do that.

Yeah.

But we're very much about creating like, whether it's like vacations and date nights and all these things, like every day, Yeah. And like 2 to 3 to 4 times a day. So it may not look like your traditional, like, let's go out somewhere and let's go to dinner, or let's go take a hike together. And we do do that.

Yes.

But we choose every day, because we don't know what's coming tomorrow, to have moments. And we call them magical moments. Because at the very end of the night, we ask, what was your magical moment? Whether it was something within us.

Yes.

It just, it triggers us to every day to live more, um, you know, mindfully of everything. So like, it could be like, oh, I'm right between meetings and I see her in the corner. I'm looking at her and I'll go grab her. And there's— Rachel loves playing music all over the place.

Yes.

And we'll just sit and sing and like dance for one song, but like so in the present moment. And I'm looking at her, we're, we're eye gazing. Or maybe it's in between meetings, we do breathwork together, we hold hands and we're doing our own thing. Or, you know, maybe we work out together. Whatever it is, in between all the craziness We don't like— traditionally, sometimes we may schedule stuff, but I think more times it's in the, the present moments and many moments throughout the day where I'm like, I want to create. And it could be conscious or maybe subconscious. I just think she's so beautiful, I want to go there and hold her and hug her and maybe just try it together.

She is.

And so I think like the date nights, it's more of like the special moments we create because that's all we ever have. And, and really like having that like, wow, that was magic there. And, um, to me that's, that's better than let's go eat and like talk about stuff over dinner. That's great, but I'd rather create like experiences that really are that in that eternal now.

Yeah. And one of my favorite things that I think, you know, people talk a lot about morning routines, and we each do have like a morning routine that's really special to us, um, you know, where I don't touch my phone in the morning and I free write and I meditate and I move, you know, I have those things. But one of our favorite things I think we implemented is called, uh, Morning Shenanigans. And so every morning we have a practice where it's basically like, who can be the most ridiculous? Like, who can make the other person laugh first? And, and then, and it— we also kind of do these in moments throughout the day. Yeah.

Where—

but I think, you know, especially—

Improv.

Yeah. Especially coming from like this self-development biohacking world, I think it's We can get so rigid with ourselves of like, I used to feel like my morning routine, like, had to be perfect. I had all these rules. And if I didn't, then my day would suck.

Yeah.

And I really had to, and we both had to like let go of that and be like, hey, whatever I have time for. If I have 5 minutes, I'm gonna use these 5 minutes to take some deep breaths, you know? But in the morning, we literally just, and sometimes just throughout the day, I mean, we'll just literally be ridiculous. Whether it's like playing, one of us gets up and it's like jam out a song and somebody's like dancing on the bed or like, If it's something—

Or saying the most random things. You would look at us very weird, Amberly.

No, no, no, no, no. That's what—

when you're sitting here, it's like weirdness, like just weird. And I think that's—

I think that's why I like y'all so much. I mean, I think that's why I feel like when we met, we— I could totally be myself because, yeah, we're the same over here. I mean, in fact, it's funny, last night we finally went out to dinner. We haven't gone out to Like a nice fancy restaurant. I mean, it wasn't that fancy, but, you know, it was like, you know, we went out to dinner to like a place with cloth napkins and candles.

Yes.

And we haven't done that in a while. And so I was like, oh, this is so nice. And it almost felt normal because there were quite a few people sitting outside. Then of course Johnny's like, come here, I'm gonna beat— you know, wrestling with Ruby, and they're fighting over the table and throwing bread at each other and stuff. And I'm like, come on, can we just have like a normal family kind of dinner? But that's normal for us to be silly and not take ourselves so seriously. And that's one thing that I do love about Johnny is he really— I can be so intense on, I have to meet this deadline and I have to write this out and I'm doing this and this and this is due. And he will come in the office and be totally ridiculous. And it just made me crack up. And I think that that saves us, you know, that, that sense of humor is what gets us through a lot.

Yeah.

And some people think it's so weird, but it works for us. So I think that Having kind of the same sense of humor, not exactly the same, but the same things that kind of make you laugh, I think it really helps.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think every relationship is so different, right? So they'll be like, okay, well, that doesn't feel authentic to me. I think it's finding, yeah, whatever feels authentic to you. But at the end of the day, I think more and more, like, sometimes I'll look at him, we look at each other, and I just see his little kid, you know, because ultimately we're all just little kids. you know, that just grew up and have these like bigger bodies. Like, but ultimately, like, we just, we want the same things. We want to feel loved, we want to feel accepted, we want to feel like we can play or sing or dance or scream or cry and just to have someone to support, support each other through that. And I think that's, you know, just one of the biggest, um, yeah, blessings. And also—

That's one of the through lines of Relationship Renegades is being safe, you know, creating a space always, whether it's in this relationship or even friends or family or whatever, is to Making sure that we're safe, seen, heard, and loved, and always being conscious of like, am I creating that space for my significant other?

Yeah. And especially when, you know, I want everybody to know that we had the perfect setup for either a complete blowout or deeper connection, right? So all of my things—

a couple times—

all of my things were the perfect setup for his things. You know, the perfect triggers, if you will, right? Like, I had honesty issues, he had trust issues. And if both of us hadn't really worked on that— and it was literally like you were saying, like, life throws you kind of what you're asking for, what you need.

It's like life exams.

Did you really learn the lesson? Hey, do you really want to be in a relationship? Yeah. Um, because there was a time when I had something I know, like, I knew I needed to tell him. Like, it was a really deep dark secret of mine. And I was so scared, Emily. Like, I was so scared to tell him the truth. And this has already been, you know, a year or so into our relationship. I knew that he was like the man of my dreams, and I knew that I loved him so much and I wanted to marry him. But there was like this, this thing that I was like, probably for months, I was like, okay, I need to tell him. Okay, I need to tell him. And I had wired myself so much that I have to tell the truth. Like, I have to tell the truth because I had so much pain around not telling the full truth. And it took me a couple months to do it, but I finally— and I would practice in my head, I would have all these conversations. And I really— a part of me really thought, like, if I tell him this, he will no longer love me. Like, he will leave me and he won't love me anymore. And I just remember this night, we were like eating dinner in our room on the floor, I think, and we were just talking and my heart was beating fast. And I was like, I have to say something, I have to tell him. And then I just started— but I didn't want to, you know, and I just started shaking and crying. I felt like I was gonna puke. Um, and I was like, okay, I have to tell you something. And, um—

And of course I'm like, oh my gosh, here it goes again. Like all the different moments that I've had, very similar.

I'm sure, right? All the things he's wondering, like, what is she gonna tell me?

We need to talk.

Like, you know, all those things. And, you know, basically when I finally got it out He just held me and let me cry and just said, I know that must have been so hard for you to say, but I'm so happy you told me, and I love you even more.

Wow.

And I was just like, oh my gosh, you know? Like, and I think really, you know, I knew from day one that this was my man that I had been looking for my whole life.

Me too.

Like, I really knew that.

Coming home.

And that was something alone that I had questioned my whole life. People were like, oh, when you know, you know. I'm like, that's, that's a bunch of BS because I don't believe that at all. But the moment I, I met him. That's exactly how I felt. And in that moment, though, it was really like, oh, I, I wouldn't be— I want to be with him for the rest of my life, like, for eternity, forever. Like, I, you know, but I think, again, it was the perfect setup of like, if I, if I wouldn't have done that work, I would have hid it, I would have denied it, it probably would have come out in some regard, and/or it just would have disconnected us. And it would have caused some huge blowout in the future that could have ruined us. And vice versa, if he hadn't done all the work to really hold space and to really listen and to really be able to let me cry without trying to fix me, but just, yeah, listen, um, and not blame or attack.

That's huge. Like, to let someone cry but not think that you have to fix them, but just hold space.

Yes.

The sexiest thing ever. It took me my entire life to be able to do that. And I'm still, you know, I still have to practice that. I think I've built a great big muscle with that because I practiced it over and over and over and over because I was never like that. But, you know, sometimes my ego will come up and it won't be. So I'm not perfect, but I think, you know, we, we can all do a really great job and develop a new norm of anything that we try out. And so in this space, you know, I had developed that muscle finally to a point where like Whether it's in this conversation that we were having or in another one, that that I'm able to hold space for that. I think this is so important too because for the men out there, or really just anybody, when I think about deep inner work in a very simplistic sense, because I used to be like a control freak, Amber Lee. I you know I used to be a control freak, want to control my entire life, and even in this situation want to control the outcome of this, or you know whatever it was. But I finally. through various work, like, just a big believer of just, you know, letting go, letting God, really surrendering to the process, really being like— I even have a new bracelet I made for me, that made for myself, that says flown.

Yes.

And because I don't like— even like birds, like, birds don't fly, they're flown. And just being able to like let go and I mean just allowing the beauty in that. And I think that allowed me not only to have this moment with her and to deepen our relationship And this, I guess, is to kill your Superman to find your Wonder Woman, or to find happiness, or to find peace, or to find really anything.

Yeah, I actually wrote that down because you even have that on your Instagram.

Yeah.

You have kill your Superman to find your Wonder Woman. And I'm like, yeah, so that's what that is. Like, you explain that a little bit more.

Yeah, so if you think about, like Rachel said, we're just all kids here in like big suits. I mean, in a bigger body here. But so from the moment The way that I try to simplify things more and more as we communicate with our audience and everything into the world, it's like from the moment we're born, we're this beautiful unlimited spirit source. Just like we just came from source, God, universe, whatever you want to call it. Like we just came into a portal through this beautiful— like into this, into this present day here in the world. And then we have experiences with family, friends, education.

Yeah.

And all the different programming of all— and I'm not saying it's good or bad programming, it's just programming, right? You, you listen to stuff, you hear stuff, you become certain things. And then you have traumatic experiences, whether they be— may you— you may think they may be traumatic or not, but like something happened to where, like, you know, maybe you were hurt in some way, shape, or form, and you were sad in some way or another. And, and what we tend to do when you look at psychology or, or neuroscience or anything like this We, in, in one sense, create a character.

Yeah, or put on a mask.

Or put on a mask to protect ourselves from getting hurt, or like, that's never going to happen to me again. And then you become this person that gets you through life, and it certainly did get you through life. But a lot of times— so in other words, from the very beginning, we had these moments, and then we, because of those moments, we put on different masks, we put on different characters, we put on Walls. Same thing— masks, walls, characters. And we have lots of them. And then here I am. So when I say kill your Superman, it's really, you know, you can— it's very synonymous with ego, right? Like, the ego is like, I'm not good enough, I don't have enough, I'm better than— whatever it is, it's, it's all those masks, all those walls. So I feel like the work is really revealing what that mask was, right? One of mine was the savior complex. Boom! One of mine was I didn't know how to ask for help. Boom! You know, there was another one where because I needed to do it all myself. Whatever it is, whatever trail you're going up the mountain, you will start to find out in your journey, in your specific experience, whoa, like this is a mask I'm wearing. This is a character I've been playing this entire time. That's not really me, right? Like all these characters are not really us. So it's it's that process of unbecoming to finally break down those walls, remove all those masks, get and and really. throughout that, I think it's important to know to really thank those characters.

Yeah.

Whatever they may be, because they got you through where you are now. But to then let them go and say thank you, but like, I don't need— because, you know, it's like a quote, right? Uh, there's a quote that says, um, what got you here won't get you there. And it's so key. And so by killing those Supermans, it's killing those walls, killing those characters in a sense, to finally then reveal That true beautiful essence you always were. Like, you don't have to get to somewhere, you don't have to become someone. It's like, remove all the stuff because you were always that.

It's an unbecoming, really, you know.

And that's— and that's— and those are the illusions of the Superman, because then what you'll find is the very true essence you always were, which is the real Superman or Superwoman.

Yes. And it really can, you know, it's both for in the masculine and feminine, right? We could do a whole one on just like masculine feminine energies Because that was something I had to really learn. I think for a lot of women, especially boss babes out there, it's so common for a lot of very successful, driven, ambitious women to think that they have to be this Superman and fix everybody and save everybody and be perfect.

And that was me.

Yeah, same here. And literally, I had to learn the hard way that like so much of these unhealthy toxic relationships that I blamed on the guy was actually so much also because of things that I was doing and because I never let them help me. You know, I never let them be the guy that was the protector and the provider, right? And that ruined— like, basically, you know, any woman out there listening, if you're ever operating super high in your masculine, you automatically put the guy into his feminine and it depolarizes attraction.

Like, literally.

Like, and so the moment that, you know, if a guy's like, oh babe, how can I help you? And you're like, I don't need your help. Boom. Like, you know, because that's— and a coach really helped me understand that. Like, Rachel, think about like if you were to give somebody a hug, right? If that's the way you show love, you're going up to somebody and you want to hold them and hug them and they're like, no, no, I don't want your hug.

Hmm.

That's exactly what you're doing when guys are trying to offer to help you and you're saying, no, I don't need your help. I can do it on my own. And so I was like, oh, because that's how they show love. Like, they want to help you. And if you, you know, reject it because you're too strong or you're too whatever, because you want to prove yourself, then you're going to never allow this, this connection. And, and even, you know, in the sense of like, we work together. So we've had a lot of growth we've had to do in learning how both of us work, making sure that I'm not operating too much in my masculine or he's not too much in his feminine. And we kind of find that like— Right, for sure. Balance, because we really realize that truth that like it really does depolarize attraction. And there's been many times that I'm like, oh, I feel like, oh, I don't feel as attracted to him right now. And I can really see, I'm like, oh wait, I'm in masculine and he's in feminine, or, you know, whatever it is like. And then we have to do stuff to rebalance that, you know. And it's—

Yeah, that's— I, I really— that resonates with me. And I had to really learn to let Johnny help me when we first— I'd never had that from any man ever in my life. And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, this man can totally take care of himself. Like, I don't have to— and he wants to help me too. And it was a weird— When it really hit me, I remember I had my own toolbox, and in the middle of the night, my compressor on my air conditioner in the house went out. And I was in the basement trying to fix the air conditioner. And he walks downstairs and he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, uh, the air conditioner's broken. I'm fixing it. And he's like, you mean you have a toolbox? And I was like, yeah, I got a toolbox. And he's like, well, you don't need a toolbox anymore. I, I have a toolbox. And I was like, oh, I kind of liked that a little bit. I'm like, oh, okay, I'll use your toolbox. Yeah. But it It was a moment of like, oh wow, like, okay, you can help me. I love that. Well, I know you guys do coaching. You have your private Facebook group. You also do masterminds. Do you work with couples or individuals or both?

It's both.

Really both. Yeah.

Both. Do you have mostly couples that come into your mastermind for the relationship Renegades.

Yeah, it's really a mixture, honestly, you know, because I think wherever you are, you know, honestly, it's like we've interviewed so many relationship experts, neuroscientists, psychologists, wellness gurus, and the through line is constantly that it always usually comes back to us, you know, and the relationship we have with ourselves and our own childhood wounds. Because, you know, again, we see what we are, and when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. And so whether you're in a relationship right now, and you're like, gosh, you know, I just feel like we're disconnected, you know, I want— they want to create a more like connected, fully alive relationship.

Mm-hmm.

And/or you're a person who's like, gosh, I keep attracting the same people. And I can't figure out what I'm like, I don't understand where these patterns are coming from, or how to break them so that I can actually, you know, attract the person I really want to attract. Um, that's what we love helping with, you know. And it really is, you know, the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. And—

Yeah.

And even in our, in our own relationship, we have to make sure we set up times where it's like we have our time to just go be by ourselves, you know, or to do our own things and to respect and honor each other's boundaries, you know. Like sometimes I'll be like, babe, I just— I— we have to figure out, and I had to communicate, like, I need time to move every day. You know, there was times in the past when he's like, oh, can you do this, babe? Can you do this? Can you do that? And I'd be like, I would feel almost like this panic inside me. So I'm like, no, I haven't moved yet. Like, I have to move.

Yeah. And yeah, um, I totally get that. We're so much alike.

Like, yes, we are. And I think honestly, a lot— I talked to a lot of women. I feel like a lot of women have that same sort of Like, it's part of, I think, feminine where we need that.

But I love that though. I think like when you do know the relationship to self and what fuels you and what's going to get you present and what's gonna, you know, get you set up, I think I love that because she knows exactly what she needs to do for herself and it's beautiful. And I honor and respect that and love that because it only fills up the cup. And I know the same thing for me. So we're always showing up in a whole way, not always, There's times when there's a lot of stress and there's a lot of stuff going on.

Yeah.

And there's moments where I, uh, you know, because we have egos, we're in this human body. So when we're crazy stressed and like I come in my ego, she holds space for me to where I get back up to, to par, if you will. And like, and then vice versa, there's a lot of stress and she's kind of being in an ego or just kind of less than par, if you will. Then I'm like, oh, this is the time to be her rock or to just hold space. And then, oh, sorry about that. No big deal. We're going to have our ebbs and flows But I think it is important to like find those things up the mountain that do fuel you and vice versa, because then life gets a lot easier. There's a bigger force driving the bus and you know exactly what you need.

I think a big— one of our big through lines is to shift the consciousness to a constant intention to seek to understand, right? To always just seek to understand because without— we don't know what we don't know, right? So if I have this knowing within me that like, oh, I'm a better me when I have my time, like my time in the morning to move and to dance and to write and do what I need to do, I'm better for myself and for everybody.

Yeah.

But if I don't learn how to authentically communicate that to him and how, you know, in a loving way of like, hey, this is just what makes me me. And vice versa, for him to do that for me and for us to honor that space.

Yeah.

Then, I mean, that's just, you know, what I think one of the key things, because I think there's a lot of people out there that might be listening that's like, well, that like, there could be a lot of conflict in your relationships, family, friendships, you know, intimate, that, that you're feeling right now. And it could just be because we have to learn how to set those boundaries for ourselves. And then Hold each other accountable for it. Because sometimes I'm— even though I know I need to move in the morning, there are sometimes when I'll be like so excited to post something or, or look at my phone, and, and then I get—

And then you're like, oh, my window to move is gone.

Gone. Yes. And so, you know, I, I'm like, hey, hold me accountable. If you see me get to my phone in the morning, like literally take it from me.

Like, yeah.

And get your butt up.

Really helped me. As before, you know, before I really really expressed how important that was to me, you know, especially in business. He's like, babe, can you do this in the morning? Can you do this in the morning? And I'd be like, no, no, no, I can't, you know, like just give me my space first and then I'll work, you know, I can do all the things, you know, but it was a communication thing.

And I love that you brought that up because that is a big thing for us is that seek to understand concept. But like even in a genetic profile type way, what I mean, like when we look at the ancestors where we came from at the very beginning, if you look at the hunters and gatherers out there, like We understand like that, that the woman brain is very different than the male brain.

Very different.

And then we've chosen to look at that, read upon that, embody that in terms of respecting and knowing like, okay, her brain is different than mine. Meaning like mine, when you think about what's ingrained in my genes, is that back in the day when we used to be hunters and gatherers, in an evolutionary perspective, we were so focused— men were so focused on on killing the deer, if you will, to be able to go and hunt and be so single-focused to make sure that they brought dinner back, you know, food back for the family. And women, and so we're very single-focused. And so, you know, we can't concentrate. Like, it's like, what, babe? I'm concentrating on something. And so she understands like—

Yes.

That she needs to get my full attention for me to be able to like, you know, really fully comprehend whatever it is. And I know that in past relationships, A woman could have been like doing multiple things and I'm trying to have a conversation with her and I'm like, she's not listening. But like she can do a lot of things all at once. And the women can, they can multitask. Like men cannot do that. But like it's literally in the brain. We're hardwired differently.

Yeah, because as evolutionarily respected, women had to be hyper-aware, right? They had to have the baby. They had to look for the berries. They had to know which berries were poisonous or not poisonous. They had to like look for threats. And so we're literally much more wired for hyper-awareness. And more men are much more single-focused. And so if you don't understand that and honor that, it can cause so much conflict. And so even just understanding and having fun with it of like, oh yeah, she's like, babe, I got a deer for you to kill. I need you to, you know, oh yes. Oh, love that. You know, because he has a target and he can hit it.

I need some targets, babe.

He gets excited about that. But if I were to be like needing his help in something and I see him writing emails and then I go word vomit, like Babe, can you take out the trash right now? Yeah, like, it would— he would be like, but I'm doing something.

Yeah.

And then vice versa, like, him understanding that if I'm on my phone, I can actually be really hearing what he's saying.

I'm cool with that, you know.

And, and so—

and but I sometimes can, I sometimes can't.

Well, I think I really—

oh, I'm not so good. Like, and lately Johnny's like, you— I already told you that, you didn't hear me? And I'm like What was I thinking? Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Well, and to that point, yeah, and to that point with the hyper-awareness for women doesn't give us an excuse to not be present, right? And I think an important thing to know is that because our hyper-aware brains, for men especially, if— and I think this is great for both sexes— but if you really want someone's attention, to take that time and touch them, like hold their hand or grab their arm, like physical contact to say, hey babe, or love, or however you want to— whatever you want to say— this is really important to me. Can I talk to you about something? Or when is a good time to talk about something? Um, because physical contact and eye contact— um, because so many times it's so easy to be like, well, I told you that, didn't you hear me? And how come you're not listening to me? You know, and then blame it on them.

Yeah.

But we never really express like, hey, this This is something that's really important to me, and I really just want your full attention.

Yeah.

And when's a good time? You know, rather than just thinking that right now is a good time, because it might not be.

Well, I, I love the fun that you guys have together, but I also love that— I, I mean, I've seen you in action when Emilio, you were going through something, you were struggling with something, and Rachel, you were just like So supportive and doing what you could to help, but also letting him figure it out and then offering different solutions for him. I mean, I've seen you in action, and I think we, we really get to know someone when we see them in tough situations. We see their true colors. And so I was like, oh, it melted my heart to see how you guys supported each other through something. It wasn't like a big deal, but I mean, it was still— still like something for work that you were figuring out. So I got to see that firsthand. But I also love seeing how much fun you have playing on the beach, all the hilarious videos that y'all post. Y'all go follow them on Instagram. You can follow Relationship Renegades, or— and then you can find both of your profiles there too.

Yeah.

I'll have all the links for your social media. I mean, oh my gosh, Rachel, you have like— just you, not even including Emilio, but just like you have over like a million followers on TikTok alone. I mean, I am blown away at all that you do. So you guys check them out. I'm gonna have all your links to TikTok, Instagram, your Relationship Renegades, your Instagram handles in the show notes. But will you just Tell everybody the best way that they can find you to maybe do one of your masterminds or the coaching, but also just to be entertained with all the fun stuff that you do.

We have one upcoming in May too, but yeah, go ahead, baby.

Absolutely. So I mean, I think the best place to start is honestly our Instagram is @relationship.rennegades, and in our link in our bio pretty much has all the links to our radio show playlist As well as our private Facebook group tribe and application for coaching. And literally, if anyone's interested, we're about to start a new mastermind and we're looking for like 10 to 20 motivated people that want to create their body, life, and relationship with us. It was so powerful, so, so, so powerful. Um, and then, you know, our personal accounts are both on that Instagram as well. Mine's @rbrookesmith and his is @emilio_paulifox.

Underscore.

Underscore. Yeah, yeah, right after.

Well, it has just been so incredible to, to get to talk with y'all again, and I, I can't wait to see you again in real life. Um, you know, I mean, I'm think— so thankful for Zoom, but I love seeing you in real life too. I mean, like in the flesh. Yeah, so I, I just, I Thank you so much for being here. You guys, please check them out because they're just as beautiful on the inside as they are the outside. I love y'all. Thank you for being here on the show. I just appreciate you and all that you share with the world and with us today. So thank you.

Thank you.

And we love you. Yes, we love you so much. Thank you so much for this. It's been a pleasure.

Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Grit and Grace Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends. That would help too. If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to amberlylago.com and jump on it. While you're there, you can grab a free downloadable gratitude journal, and you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.