Obliterate Shame and Activate Purpose with Tamra Andress

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago, and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your passion, and fuel your purpose. Thank you for tuning in to True Grit and Grace. I have one of my really good friends on the show today. Tamara, I'm so grateful that You're here. Y'all are going to love hearing from her. She's a thought leader, Christian coach, an incredible speaker. She's a bestselling author. I have her book right here if you're looking on YouTube, Always Becoming. She's got a top podcast I had an honor of being on called Fit and Faith Podcast. She's got a conference coming up called Grow for God. She's got retreats. She does masterminds. I mean, there is nothing that this lady cannot do, and she has really healed her wounds. And her strength has been renewed. And so I'm excited for her to share her story. And you're going to leave just feeling motivated and know how to take ownership of your body, mind, soul with a fresh perspective and ignited passion straight out of the words from her amazing book. So Tamara, thank you for being here.

I am so excited, Amberly. You're such a sweet, like, just a gem. You guys already know this if you listen to her, but She's real. Like, this is who she is in person when she's tired, when she's full of energy, like all the things. And I've just been so grateful to get to know you over the last year. I'm so excited to serve your audience today.

Oh my goodness. I've been looking forward to this. We have been, I think, trying to get this to happen between both of our schedules for over a year now. No joke. But you know what? I'm glad because it's given me a chance to get to know you even more and to really dive into your book, which is So well done. I mean, I was telling you before we started recording that I started reading your book and I was like, Amberly, you gotta stop, put the book down, you've gotta go to bed, you gotta stop, you gotta get to work. So I mean, it's so well done. And one of my favorite things to do is listen to you speak on stage or on your podcast. And absolute favorite thing is the poetry, like the prose. I don't know what it's called when you do, you capture—

Yeah.

Everybody from an event. This is how much she is in a moment and she is there with you. So we've done a couple of speaking events and she listens to every speaker at the event, and then she adds part of that into this beautiful piece of art poetry that she says at the end. I'm amazed.

It's been— that was something that kind of, uh, you know how God like will place something in your lap? And you're, you're surprised by it, but then he kind of gives a hindsight 20/20 flash of all the things that you've done up into that point, or he's done up into that point. And that's really where that came from. I remember knowing that I wanted to put something together in— I love experiential stage opportunities. I love when people get to really like feel like they're a part of what someone is doing. And so being at these conferences with so many brilliant people like yourselves, you're dropping mic drop after mic drop after mic drop, and then it's just done. Like when you're a speaker, you leave it on the stage and yes, it seeps into people's souls and it might be in their mind as a replay or maybe somebody caught it on their IG Live or, you know, somebody's recording. But I always felt like there needed to be more mementos to the speakers being on stage. And so I just love to just round out the event with that opportunity for people to come together and reminisce over what they just sat through. It's almost like a video capture of an event, but in a word format. So it's been fun. And he gifted me poetry when I was in high school. Honestly, I was one of those girls who started dating a boy who was very emo. Does everyone even know what emo means anymore?

My daughter definitely will.

Yeah. So he was so emo. And he was actually a huge demise of my life, to be honest. But at the time, he was all there was, right? The bad boy and the good girl kind of situation. And he would write me poems. And I'm like, I'm going to try this. I want to be emo too. And I was a cheerleader and a dancer and a gymnast. I was like, emo and that? No, not the same. I was the preppy girl who sat up front and raised her hand. And so I started writing, and I'm so grateful that I chose to pick up a pen. And he was a really good influence in that one way in my life. And since then, poetry has been a way that I just can really communicate. And so while it's not often how people get to know me, it's something that they know as like an everlasting element.

Yeah, it's beautiful. And I want to go back to a little bit of how you grew up and stuff. We grew up so much alike. I wonder, you know what, we—

Really?

Yeah, we— when we connected, I, I did feel that instant connection. I remember when I got to finally see you for the first time in person, and it was like we ran over and hugged each other, and it was like I'd seen my long, you know, lost friend I hadn't seen. And I was like, oh yeah, wait, this is the first time we're meeting, but it felt like I had known you for years. Then after reading your book, how, you know, your dad worked out and drank Um, egg white or eggs, raw eggs in the morning. My dad did the same thing.

Oh, that's awesome. Yes.

And that you were a gymnast. I was a dancer. I always wanted to do gymnastics, but I sucked. I was just— I mean, I— there was no gymnastics class near me, but so I tried it on my own and I kept trying backflips and landing on my head. Maybe that's what's wrong with me, but maybe that's it.

I did that too. I should have probably stuck to dance, to be honest, because my favorite things about gymnastics was floor because I could dance And the beam, because I had that element of striking poses and dancing as well.

You still do.

I love it, girl. Come on. But vault and bars were like, I was so terrible at, but I still get to dance, which is such an element, I think, of genuine understanding of your body, right? I think that's what I love so much about dancing now is that it gets to show elements to who you are that people wouldn't otherwise see. And before, it was very much about image or about my body being a sexual icon, maybe, right? Like, as women, that was a huge element of growing up in the MTV era and at Seventeen magazine and all of those things. And now, really embracing after motherhood and going through some hardship of my own and understanding where that was rooted and premised in, I now love to dance with my kids. I love to dance when I get up on stage. I love to just see a girlfriend and, like, do a little jig because—

Yeah.

I get to own my body as me and not for anybody else.

That is so powerful. And I— dancing for me is how I spark joy. It just makes me happy. And so I do want to talk about a little bit of some of the shame. I think every one of us, anybody who's listening, has had a moment where they've done the walk of shame, they've done something that they're ashamed about, or that feeling. And I've heard that it's the lowest vibration or one of the lowest vibration on like the energy scale. And the top is being joy and love, but the lowest is shame. And when you're growing up, I just like read some of the part where your grandmother made a comment to you about, oh, you've gained a little weight. And, you know, even though I've, I had the same thing happen to me growing up, either it was Ooh, you're so skinny. Or I was called names for being too skinny. But then as I went through puberty and started gaining a little weight, it was the opposite of—

Right.

You're too heavy, especially as a professional dancer. Like, you need to— I remember weighing 120 pounds when I moved to California and I was 5'11. I'm 5'10 now. I'm shrinking a little bit. But I was 5'11 and I went into this agent and they told me I needed to lose 15 pounds. I started to lose the weight and started to also get some borderline eating disorders as a result of that. But it's so hard. And I've got, you know, 2 daughters, and I'm very careful about what I say. I want them to feel comfortable and more than comfortable in their own skin. I want them to not ever feel that shame or anything. And so can you take us through like some of the shame and how do you process— like, you went into fitness training, and I didn't know that about you, that we were both fitness trainers.

Yeah.

And you didn't have such— like, you weren't that crazy about relationships with women. And now to look at you, no one would ever guess that. So can you take us back through your childhood a little bit about— it's like you were a different person— and talk about some of The shame that you carried and how did you, as you say, obliterate that shame? You just like got rid of it. How did you do that?

Yeah, I think to premise it, because shame is— sometimes people will be like, I don't deal with shame, or I don't have any shame. And I found that it really, it's just that they don't know the definition of shame. And so let me premise it on the fact that there is guilt, which is the I have done something wrong.

Mm-hmm.

And shame is the, I am wrong, right? There's a difference in that. And so, whether you have chosen to do something wrong or something has been done to you, both of which are a part of my story, shame is the underlying, that low-energy feel that you just sense this about who you are. And it doesn't feel like worthiness comes from a lack of, you know, knowing or confidence, which is generally rooted in shame. Traumas are associated to shame, again, if it's happened to you or something else. So, for me, it's been a journey of uncovering what shame is, and it only happened about 6 years ago that I even knew that this was an element of my nature, that I even knew it was a word that really existed in my nature. And it all came to a halting, screeching awareness moment where I found myself in fetal position. After opening a book, actually, which is one of the reasons I'm so passionate about people sharing their stories and putting their message into a book format, because you don't know who's going to read it or what the outcome of their life is going to be. And so, there was a person who had shared their story, and the book is called No Stones. And ironically and oddly, it was about sex addiction. And I remember when my therapist gave it to me— now, at this point, I was married with 2 kids. I'd been married for about 4 years at the time.

Wow.

And I had 2 babies under the age of 2. And she said this while I'm sitting next to my husband in a therapy session, like, do you have any, you know, worries or issues with like sex addiction? And I'm like, uh, no. And my husband's like, dang it, I wish she did, right? Like, what's going on? I don't understand what's happening. And so, I was like, no, not that I know of. Like, I can count how many people I've been with. So, that doesn't feel like an addiction, right?

Hmm.

And so, she said, I want you to read this book. book. And so, I started reading it. About chapter 2, 2 to 3, I fell to the floor.

Wow.

And I had a wave of suppressed memory and suppressed emotion and just overcome me. I could see exactly where I was. I know exactly what happened. I remember what I was wearing. I remember what the weather was like. I remember what this person said. And I was sexually abused by a kiddo who was looked like a grown man in body and stature. He was about 13 years old and had a mental handicap. And so, the word retard was, you know, what people would refer to him as. It wasn't Down syndrome. It wasn't any of these other elements, but he just mentally was not stable. He was about the age 3 or 4, and he was obsessed with the Three Stooges. And I remember him silencing me with my— with his finger like the Three Stooges would and like, shh.

Shh.

that suppression of voice. And so all of these elements— I was 3 years old when that occurred— were trapped inside of my tiny little body and my mind. And I was then a little bit later exposed to pornography in a game of hide and seek where I stumbled upon a bunch of magazines, and then cybersex, and then all these other things unrolled and unraveled in my life where I like I just said previously, had my body because I thought it was a tool for men, and it was nothing to do with me or my ownership or even God's gift to me. Even though I considered myself a Christian, I didn't know the beauty of humanity at that point. I didn't have a relationship with God. And so slowly but surely, it just wrapped up in my identity to the point that even when I got married, I was not comfortable in my own skin. I didn't really know intimacy the way that I know it now. When you talk about me being a different person, like, I literally can see pictures of my old self, and even though my smile's the same and I might look the same, I don't feel like that's the same person.

Mm-hmm.

And so, in that wave of emotion, I went through a very deep healing journey of 3 years of therapy, of emotional intelligence, of releasing shame, of understanding how to release shame. And also my ordination and minister's licensing. Jesus got ahold of me at that point. I had a supernatural encounter in my living room. All of this is in the book, but ultimately, my passion for putting it into a book and also showing up even with business building, which is what I do by profession day to day, is for people to understand that their greatest purpose and their ultimate passions are often locked inside of them. And that's why so many of us, I think, stay in a space of stagnation, even monetarily, because they're being suppressed, sometimes unknowingly, by things that have occurred in their life that they have yet to deal with. And so root traumas are such an element of obliterating shame.

Isn't it interesting? I mean, I thank you for sharing that. I mean, I went to therapy years when I was in my 20s, and I had the therapist say, Um, have you been sexually abused? And I said, oh yeah, but I've dealt with that. And she started asking me questions and I'm like— she goes, oh, you haven't dealt with it at all. I want you to read this book called Codependent No More. And I think that was the name of the book at the time.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh wow, like, you think you healed? Or— and, and, and I was like, how did she know that? Like, you know, you must have been blown away. Like, what, me? And, and And how was your husband during that time? Was he supportive of you?

Well, the wild thing is, is the way that that all transpired was this awareness factor that I was running 2 businesses simultaneous to trying to be a wife and a mom at that point. I was doing it totally out of alignment with my integrity. And I remember my husband often asking and probing like that, are you a woman of integrity? Are you operating in integrity? I see you're such an integral woman. Saying that word. And I would get so frustrated at him, like, what are you talking about? Like, you sound like you're talking a bunch of jargon. And he was actually calling me out in how I was acting, both in action in body, action in mind, action in words. And I had stepped out on our marriage, and he was completely aware of it, but completely denying it simultaneously, because he's like, there's no way that this is happening, right? And you hear people often who get into a emotional relationships that go to something else. Well, for me, it was a suppression mechanism for me to deal with all of the pressures of my life and still performing in perfectionism, because striving and perfectionism were my mask.

Mm-hmm.

That was literally how I showed up from the premise of trauma all the way through the rest of my days. Everything was accolade-driven. Everything was put myself on a pedestal, and if I can put on an air of perfection, then no one will know that this ever occurred to me, right? And so, He was standing at my side, which is in and of itself an amazing gift that I could never have asked for. And I remember carrying shame through this entire process of I wasn't worthy even of Him. I didn't feel even worthy of Jesus's love towards me. And so, it was almost as if by works, I was trying to get myself clean. And we ended up having a situation a couple of years later where I was now in His And this is all in the book, so you get to hear it. And I got to feel what it felt like to be on the receiving end of this. And it was so heartbreaking and so hard and so ironic. And yet, I know even from his story of shame that there are hopes and aspirations that we have as people, as females, as men. To truly be seen, known, and loved. And I think at the end of the days, it's in an element of forgiveness of self, and an element of forgiveness of others that we're able to stand in obliterating shame and truly existing in a purpose.

Well, I mean, how would you suggest someone who is carrying a lot of shame, what's their first step?

Yeah, admittance and surrender.

Hmm.

I think when we think through surrender, oftentimes, whether you know God or know of a higher power and you're surrendered to that, in and of itself, being able to admit that you're struggling, that you're hurting, and even if you don't know why, that's okay. But surrendering to yourself and to the path, I think society has given us so much things to feel and see as uncontrollable that we try to walk around life, even when it— we think about our fitness regime, right, or our health regime. We try to be so controlled, right? Like, you should eat 6 small meals a day. Just kidding. You should not eat breakfast. Okay, just kidding. You need to eat just meat. Wait, just joking. You need to do just vegetarian.

Like, there's— Yeah.

So many rules that exist, and so therefore, we try to control because we're looking for an outcome. And surrender is letting go and letting God. And so, I finally got to a place of surrender, and I encourage that for so many people, because the release that comes on the other side of that is more powerful than anything that I think we can do, even from an element of grit, right? Like, I love the name of your podcast, but if I was to unpack what true grit means to me, it'd still be surrender first.

Yeah. And you know, that's why I had to add the grace. People ask me grace on the end because it's God's grace, it's the grace that we give ourselves. And I love— and one thing we'll get into is this whole hustle culture that you talk about. And, and that was me, and probably a little bit of you, especially if you were a gymnast. And then a trainer, and then, you know, running these businesses. It's like you just gotta go, go, go. You gotta hustle. You just have to. And I remember, you know, just going until I would end up in the emergency room. Yeah, for real. And still now sometimes I'm like, oh girl, I need to slow down a little bit. Need to slow down because I love going fast. I love, you know. And so, but yes, surrender for sure. Which seems very out of control if you're a control freak like me. Um, I have kind of been able to surrender a lot, but luckily I have a sponsor and a mentor that they remind me. How important is that for you to have a community of like-minded people around you, or a coach, or a mentor?

I mean, it is inevitable that if we don't We end up being in a space of isolation, and surrendered and isolated leads to suicide. And I just raise my hand so that I can say that so boldly, because I was literally spiraling out to a place of constantly thinking about me not being here, even with 2 babies, even with a beautiful husband, even with all of the blessings that were literally around me from a family and friend perspective, and talent. Like, I knew I was talented, but I knew that none of it was being used. for what I could have been using it for. And so, community, whether it was my therapist, whether it was the church that I walked into— and y'all, I didn't go to church regularly when I had that supernatural encounter with Jesus. Literally, I saw His face. He said 3 specific things to me that I'll never forget. When I get to close my eyes and just bring myself back to that place, it gives me so much peace, because in the midst of my muck, He said, you are fully seen. You are fully known. And I still love you. And that still was like, wow, I can give it all up because at this point, I feel seen, known, and loved. And that was something I had never felt in my entire life. But my husband and I knew that we needed support and we didn't know where to go. We weren't with our therapist at this point. We just were like, anywhere that we can check in, basically.

Mm-hmm.

I remember actually looking online to check in somewhere. But I didn't know what was wrong with me. And anywhere that I looked for facilities, quote unquote, to go somewhere for women's rehab, I wasn't addicted to pain meds. I wasn't addicted to alcohol. And that's been crazy backstory to that in my family history. But I didn't know what to look for. And all of them were astronomically priced, not to mention I would be going away from my children, which I didn't want to do.

Mm-hmm.

I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to even be a good entrepreneur. And so, community, we stepped into this church that we didn't know, but my husband remembered like back in the day. And you've actually got to meet the pastors that were there on greeting us. Morgan and Anthony were at EYA this past time. And I walked into what was— he was an associate pastor at that church. He was the children's pastor back in the day. And they embraced, that church embraced my husband and I as if we were— Family. Family. They had never met us. We had actually had to pass probably 20 churches on the way to get there because it was in another neighboring city. But we wanted to go somewhere that we felt safe and that we weren't going to run into people that were anticipating that we be the fake masked couple that we used to be, even though we didn't feel— we didn't choose to do that. It just transpired. And I think that when we think about community and we think about surrender connected to community, If you are stuck in the same group of people that have been with you for decades, and you have some sort of transformation, it's really hard for them to see you in any other light than who you once were.

Mm-hmm.

It's why people put up such a fight when you're trying to get better, or well, or all of a sudden, you just start to be bold about your faith, or all of a sudden, you start to be bold about your health, or whatever it be that you get passionate about. If it's not a pre-passion that they've seen you in, they think you've changed. And there's judgment, and there's often ridicule, and there's pushback on, why do you think you're any better than me? Or, you know, all these elements start to transpire, and competition ensues rather than community. And so, I would encourage anybody who is in a space of need for comfort or restoration or to release shame or to fully get well, I think finding people that are not close to you right now, you can get back close to them, but it is paramount to your healing because there's no judgment zone that truly exists.

I think so. I think that's why it's sometimes easier to talk to a therapist.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, a therapist. And but when I moved to Texas, the things that I knew for sure that I had to find right away was number one, a barn for my daughter so she could be around horse-crazy girls that were like her, you know, like, um, a church. Yep. And a sober group. Like I needed my sober soul sisters, you know?

Yeah.

And so, yeah, I think it is really important to find that community. And I think that that connection is the opposite of addiction. So whether it's, uh, you know, addicted to scrolling through Instagram or drugs or alcohol or sex or whatever it may be, Finding that connection is so important. And just to know, like, I don't know about you, but I felt so alone in what I was going through. I was like, nobody's gonna understand this. Like, I'm the only fitness person that's ever had a problem with alcohol. No, there's a lot. There's a lot.

Oh my gosh.

When I went to my first meeting, a nun, I sat beside a nun. I'm like, okay.

Right.

If there can be a nun that has a drinking problem, then Okay, me too.

Yeah, and I think that's where, you know, this whole buzzword or conversation around authenticity and vulnerability has really gone viral. People want it, but it's harder to practice than you may think. There is a fake, you know, version of vulnerability and authenticity, but then there's the deep-seated, like, I can break bread with you and really we can get raw, that I think is so incredibly beautiful because we get to show again our scars. And yet, there are definitely seasons where you need to be with doctors who are going to help heal the wounds, right? And you know that more than possible because of your book and your story. And it's the knowing that they need to be in the midst of the mess with you. And if you're not able to be honest, which is another element of surrender, is like honesty of where you are and what you need. And I think if we can get really honest with ourselves, Then we're capable of being vulnerable with other people. And that's where that community connection piece with women came into play. I was constantly seeing myself as a competitor. And I think with gymnastics, it's a singular sport, right? Even though there's the team element as well, I constantly had this like, I'm faster, I'm bigger, I'm prettier, I'm smarter. I had competition all the time. And so I just premised myself as a guy's girl. And I was like, I'm not even going to deal with it. I'm going to hang out with the guys. They're going to invite me everywhere. I'm going to be one of them. I'll bring the food. I'll still nurture. I still had that nurturing tendency as a female. I wasn't just like kicking back with beers and burps, right? But I was existing with— as a guy's girl. And yet I still had that really terrible connotation of my body is A wonderland. Thanks, John Mayer. But in the worst form of the matter. And so I still felt like I was a specimen in the guys' world. And I could imagine if— I've never been like a call girl or a stripper or any of those things, but I could imagine that there is that element of yearning inside of them where they want to deeply be connected to women and not be seen as a specimen or an idol. And yet they're pushing themselves off because of how they've been exposed to femininity for so long. And so when I was able to finally come to terms with myself and with my femininity, I finally realized, like, this is the power of being a girlfriend. This is the beauty of being authentic with other women and them fully seeing you and understanding you and also knowing what you need. And we're so good as women knowing what other women need because of what we need. And so sometimes we're a better friend than we are a friend to ourself. But I've never had a guy friend be the kind of girlfriend that even you've been in such a short period of time because they just don't get it. They don't look through the same empathetic lens. And so it's amazing to be connected to women like yourself.

Oh yeah. Thank you. And it felt so good with you just when we were speaking at this event. you know, in Denver to be able to kind of, you know, offstage just connect and ask questions and not feel so alone in these thoughts that we had. We were both thinking like, hmm, wonder if she's thinking the same thing. Yep, I'm thinking the same thing. I'm like, whoo, definitely. Thank God I'm not the only one, you know? I mean, it just feels good when you can connect. I was a tomboy because I grew up with a bunch of brothers. And I mean, I have one sister, but she's a lot younger. And I just loved being out in nature and riding dirt bikes and everything. But I have always loved women and being around women. And when I thought back to it, when I was, oh gosh, I think I was about 6 years old maybe, I had a club and it was called the Super Chicks Club. And I went, I saved up my money, you know, all the money I got for my birthdays or Christmas. And I had these shirts made with these cute little fuzzy chicks on them and it said Super Chicks. I was the president and we would meet, me and my cousins would meet in the henhouse at my big granny's house. And I don't even know what we all— we would talk about, but probably, you know, how we were just gonna like take over the world. But there is something powerful when women come together and support each other. Yeah. What would you say to women who have a hard time building those authentic relationships with other women? How do they start?

Oh man, I, I always go back to this flashback of I got what is called a snap bid for a sorority. Do you— are you familiar with sorority lingo?

No, because I didn't go to college.

Okay, so I didn't, I didn't rush, which is like the traditional way to get in. You usually have to do this like 1 to 2 week like grooming period. And then if the sorority likes you, which that alone seems wild, but you're basically looking for a community that you feel suited to, and they want to court you back, all girls, right? And then they give you an invitation to be a part of the sorority. Well, I wasn't allowed to do that. One, because I was an RA at the— that year, and you're not allowed to be an RA and rush. So I got a snap bid, which means you don't have to go through the whole process. You don't have to go to any of those events, those silly things that they do, and they just give you an invitation. And I decided I was going to do this. I was going to try and be a part of a sorority, even though even at this time I was in that mentality of like, I'm a guy's girl. I don't know that this is going to be for me. So I walk into this room. with 300 women. And mind you, in gymnastics, I was always around girls. So it's not like I didn't have girlfriends. I just didn't have depth to those relationships. There was a difference. I didn't let anyone see my true colors. I just hung out with them.

Mm-hmm.

And so I walk into this room, there's 300 girls, and I'm like, nope, nope, nope. There was people crying with other people. There was people laughing and like having a good old time. And I just had this massive conflict in my spirit only because now I know I needed that. I needed to be real and raw. And it wasn't until I had come to this full revelation of self that that was capable or possible. And I think the biggest thing that changed was I did it. And what I mean by I did it, I tried it. And what I mean by I tried it is I said, here's the mess that I'm in. Let me unmask myself. Let me come without the makeup. Let me come without the hair done. Let me come without the facade, even though I love fashion and I— I love all those things. I was like, I'm going to show up in this place, which was at that church that I mentioned, and I'm going to be fully me and fully free. And in an instant, I created a tribe. Not me, the Super Chicks leader, but a tribe in the sense that I had women who I could authentically be with, even over some of my best friends who had been best friends with me for years. And since then, I've actually pulled away from those friends because They didn't like the new version of myself. And so, to know that there might be a shedding element to you, if you've never done it before and you actually get raw and real with people, you might shed old relationships and actually stand in community and connection with people who are considered safe people versus people who you actually need to create boundaries with, who aren't safe, who are actually keeping you in a closed-up box to who you could actually become, which is the name of the book, Always Becoming.

Yeah.

So I want more people to realize that they can live free outside of what other people have boxed them into from an identity perspective.

I want to get into that. It was actually one of the questions I had on here about boundaries, setting healthy boundaries. But also, that is tough when you go through this process. I mean, it was hard for me when I went from, you know, being successful to bedridden and wheelchair-bound for years and completely dependent upon my husband to do everything for me, basically, to starting to heal and in every way— spiritually, mentally, physically— getting sober and then starting. And I remember, you know, like, uh, when the first time I was on national TV, having some friends like, oh, Must be nice. Oh, well, I guess you just think you're all that now. And I'm like, actually, no, I'm scared to death to go on national TV. And I was hoping you would be kind of that friend that would tell me, hey, you got this, just be you, you know.

Yeah.

But there were some people that— there, there— I— it was hard. And sometimes I think when you've been in a relationship and you've maybe had a friendship for 20-plus years, that you're supposed to hang on to that because you've been friends for so long. But I learned over and over that that's not what true friendship is when somebody doesn't love you for, for you and support you along the way, you know. So it was hard. And I had to set up some boundaries. How do you set up some healthy boundaries for— and it may not be with friends, it might be with family members, because I know sometimes the people that are closest to us often are not our best supporters. So how do you set up those healthy boundaries with people that are family members or perhaps friends and maybe even bless them, then block them?

Yeah, no, it's really good. I think for me it was this evolution of understanding myself and my needs first, because if we set up boundaries and we're actually blocking what could be a blessing, that's also not supportive, right? You're not helping yourself. Because I would find myself isolating back in the day, and I would be blocking people who, if I had told my mom everything I was dealing with when I was younger, or when that sexual abuse happened, or when I stumbled upon pornography, or when I stumbled upon cybersex rooms, or all these things, if I had told— I had plenty of safe people around me, but I had chose to isolate myself. And so then there becomes the antithesis where when you actually are aware When you become emotionally intelligent, when you realize what's happening in family dynamics, when you realize what role— there are like roles we play in society that are really critical for us to understand. What role am I playing? What are my strengths? What are my needs? What are my weaknesses? Then from there, you can set up boundaries. But if you try to set up boundaries before it's time, you can inhibit yourself from true expression of growth, or like someone God might have put in your corner with intention to say, This person is gonna be an iron sharpening iron, and you've now just rejected them. And so, there's kind of 2 elements to that, you know, question and to your therefore action. But for people who you're like, I definitely know that they are not safe and I need to create a boundary, you have to come up with really clear communication for that, and you also have to be consistent in that communication. Eventually, people get the picture. But if you're wavering, today I set the boundary 'cause I'm in a healthy mindset, tomorrow I don't because I do this, Yes. You're enabling their misconduct towards you. You're enabling the way that they treat, treat you poorly. You're enabling the harsh words that they say to you. And I know even as I'm saying this, I'm drawing in my spirit, Amberly, that there might be somebody who's listening who is dealing with that in their marriage, and they feel like they can't get away. And I would just encourage you to, one, seek help and counsel, and also to know that you are worthy of being treated beautifully. and you are worthy of having safe boundaries, even in spaces like that, and that there are people and places that you can go who can just help you. And so, I just— I felt that, and I'm like, I don't have a direct storyline connection to that, but I do know that I've seen people emotionally abused for decades, and it has created not only trauma to their mindset, but trauma to them physically. And, you know, you can end up in the same space that I was, in a fetal position, but you can be 50 years old. And have to restart your life at that point. I'm blessed that I had to restart after a quarter-life crisis, and so I was a mere age of 29. But—

Which is amazing, you know, that you started so young. And, and thank you for sharing that. And I remember one time I had a therapist, I was going on and on about this boyfriend that I was dating, and he did this and he said this, and she said, you teach people how to treat you. And it was like, whoa. So I never forgot that.

Yep.

You know, we— and sometimes it's hard, you know, to stand up for yourself or to set those boundaries, especially when you have someone that is constantly trying to tiptoe around it or burst their, you know, bust their way through it. But in the long run, if you just, you stick to it, and like you said, you have integrity and you stick to what you say you're going to do, then it's easier in the, in the long run. You know, when we do, when we do the hard things, our life gets easier. But if we do what's easy, it seems to just get harder. You know?

So good, y'all. I had my, my parents and my siblings who would drive by my house every single day because I lived in the same neighborhood as my parents who were the caretakers because my mom had a daycare and preschool. of all of the cousins and grandbabies. And they would drive by my house because I had to set up a boundary that I needed to go inward to my nucleus of a family to do the leave and cleave that had never been done, so that I could break off some generational bondage that occurred in my life. And I had to literally not speak to them for almost a year. And my mom, who, if you know her now, is like literally my sidekick, we are best friends. We've opened businesses together. We run this business now together. Like, she's just my person. God was so gracious in how He connected the two of us. And simultaneous to that, I had to say, not right now. And could you imagine, as a mom, like, I could think about my own daughter or son and, like, them having to do that away from me? And I would— I mean, it's just heartbreaking to think of. And yet, simultaneous to that, our bond is that much stronger now because she didn't understand boundaries. And that's a huge element. Most people who hate boundaries just don't have them themselves. They don't know boundaries. They've never set them themselves. They don't respect you for it. But when people who know boundaries understand your boundaries, like my people who know, if you text me after 8 o'clock, I'm not responding, but I'm going to text you at 5:00 AM if you text me at 8:00 PM, because I'm sleeping, I'm with my family, I'm not responding. That is a safe boundary, right?

Mm-hmm.

That just, this is my time. I'm sleeping. And that's a simple example to use. There are bigger boundaries, like, you can't come on my property, or, you're not allowed to bring alcohol into my house, or, you're not allowed to say these words to me, or, you know, there's so many heavy things that we can set boundaries around. But if you want to get well, as God asks, and Jesus asks so many times for those who wanted miracles, and miracles that sustain themselves in the Bible, He first asked, do you want to get well? And by faith, He would heal. And faith is an action. And so, if you have a desire to get well mentally, physically, relationally, emotionally, first off, you have to say, yes, I want to get well. You have to admit that. It goes back to the surrender conversation we were having.

Mm-hmm.

But then, you have to act on that. If a counselor, if a therapist, if a pastor, if a friend is giving you advice, as Amberly does in her podcast every single week, you've got to take action to those things in order for you to get fully well.

Oh, that is so powerful. Yes, mic drop to that, because yes, we can— you can read all the books, you can listen to podcasts, you can listen, go to all the self-development conferences or church, but if you're not taking action, then it's not going to work. You have to take action.

Yeah.

So that is so powerful. Um, I'm always curious because I like to know what Every highly, highly successful person does with their morning. I love that you have this boundary that you have after 8 o'clock, you're not going to return messages. I think I'm going to kick mine to 8 because mine was 9, and I even have like a, a light that blinks on my phone and at like 8:45 that says it's time for bed, and then it shuts off. Like, I don't even— my phone will not notify me that I have a message or anything, but I think I might move that to 8.

And sometimes it's earlier. Weekdays, especially during the wintertime, it's usually 7, just because the dark— it's dark, I'm with my kiddos, I'm like, I'm done. But other ones, as far as like the morning goes, I am an early bird. I love to be up before the sun. I love to be up before my kiddos. And that wasn't always the case. This was a learning process, right, of why am I so grumpy in the morning? Why am I agitated right when I wake up? Why do I feel overwhelmed? Overwhelmed right when the day starts. And it's because someone else, whether it was an alarm clock or whether it was little tiny hands who were like, wake up, mama, someone else was starting my day. And so, already out the day, I was feeling out of control. I was feeling overwhelmed. But when I had control in that and I was able to start with a prayer and start with some quiet time and start with reflection and start with preparation for my day, have my mushroom coffee, Mm-hmm. drink my glass of water, get my workout in, I was now receiving the same tiny hands that wanted me from the get-go at the exact same time. And our morning started so much more beautifully in synchronicity versus in stagnation or frustration. And so, my mornings look the same every single morning, and I'm so grateful. My husband wakes up right after I get that time, and so, we all have our morning rhythms. together. And then we're off to the races. It's full speed when they're 7 and 9 now.

They are so sweet, y'all. Her kids are so sweet. And I love that your son just came up and had a full conversation with me and started telling me about— he came up to me. It was so sweet. I was at the table, my book signing table at this conference. And He comes up to me and he's like— and it was his birthday— and he comes up and he goes, did you write that book yourself? And I said, I sure did. And he said, well, how long did it take you to write it? And I said, well, it took me kind of a long time altogether, almost 2 years. And he goes, oh wow, yeah, you know, my mom's reading a book right now and she's been reading it for a long time. Was he talking about the Bible?

Yes.

Is that what it was?

So cute that he said that. I remember you telling me, I was like, what? That's hilarious. Yeah, the Bible. We never stopped reading the Bible. It's, it's always around. I've got one pretty much in every crevice of the house, whether it's a children's Bible or my Bible when I was little or the one that I'm currently reading. Um, I just— it gives me peace. I feel like I have, even by osmosis, I'm gonna have the Word in or on me if I'm going by it. And you know, it says, out of the heart your will speak. And so if in my heart is the word, then out of my mouth comes the word. But if I don't, I can't just like put it next to me and it comes into me as much as I want all my books to do that. That hasn't totally yet.

I mean, but you know what, I totally get what you mean. It gives me, uh, it, it gives me some peace and serenity when I can have, you know, either my Bible or my 12-step books Yeah. Next to me. And in fact, you know, we're in a rental house right now. We bought some land and we're thinking about building. We're not sure if we're gonna build or we're gonna buy a house, but until we get an idea, we're renting this house. So like, I would say still maybe 3/4 of our stuff is actually still packed in boxes. Yeah. Wow. But I was telling my husband, I was like, but no, I need my books. I need all of my books. Like, and he's like, surrounded by books. Yeah, I was like, no, I need my books. I have books stacked up on the table and the shelf. Like, I love to— and there's just something that feels good. And even if with the Bible, even if you can open it and read, you know, one thing, it's gonna impact you. And that's what I like to do in the morning too, is read from a devotional or some of my— what are some of your favorite books other than the Bible?

Just to speak to that too, and I'll tell some of my faves, but I really love because I teach like biblical-based wisdom to business owners, like that's really my niche, I love to read a business book and parallel it to the Bible.

Mm-hmm.

And so, not to say like I'm looking for specific scripture that backs something up by any means, I'm just reading my typical rhythm of whatever book I'm in right now in the Bible, and then whatever I'm reading. And it has given me so much fire. Every time I share, or I'm coaching, or I'm teaching, or I'm showing up on Clubhouse even, or even on stage, I feel like the wisdom that people are extracting in the marketplace is brilliant, right? I love so many business books. I'm actually reading The Power of One More by Ed Mylett right now, who is a Christian. So, he's got Bible and business in there. Yeah.

I just had him on the podcast a couple of weeks ago.

I love him so much. I want an introduction, to be honest. He's amazing. And his book is so good. But when I do that and when I've seen anybody who has taken that piece of advice And applied it. So, it's like 10 pages of a regular book and whatever you're reading in the Bible. You have so much more fervor because it's premised on truth if you're a believer. Like, you're like, this is so sound. And you have an element of discernment towards what it is that you're reading even from a business perspective, right? I think it's really powerful.

Mm-hmm.

So, other books that are some of my favorites, gosh, I have so many. You're putting me on the spot. I love Jim Kwik. I love the one called Limitless. He was teaching about how to read and learn faster, right? I think we all want to read more. So that's a good thing.

Yeah. It's funny. I just was at this PR company last week. And when I walked in, they had— they were brilliant, by the way. They had all these videos of True Grit and Grace podcast episodes that they had pulled off of, I guess, YouTube or something. And they had, you know, all my guests on and everything. And then they had Jim on there. And I'm like, Is this a sign that I'm supposed to have him on my show? Like, and then you just said it. I'm like, okay, I think this is a sign. I'm gonna reach out to him. Like, yeah, he's amazing. I did do an event. Oh my gosh, years ago, one of the very first events, speaking events I ever did. He was there, and I was so brand new and didn't really know anyone. Ed was there, and I'm actually doing a speaking event with Ed in January, and I was just talking to a friend. And I was like, I got to make this my best keynote ever. I'm going to start practicing now. I'm going to get this nailed in.

I love it. It's so good. Yeah, because he's got amazing events too. So I'm so excited for you. That's amazing. I didn't know that.

So you've got the— what's his book?

The Power of One More.

No, not his. Jim's book. Is it Limitless?

Limitless. Yes. Jim Kwik's book, Limitless.

Okay. My girlfriend, Laura Gassner Auding, has an incredible book. Called Limitless. She's amazing.

Oh, interesting.

She's freaking brilliant. Yeah, she's amazing. I'll have to look it up.

I love another one that's super simple and it kind of parallels to the poetic element that you said earlier out the gate is Oprah Winfrey's I Don't Know Much, But I'm Sure of This. Do you know that one?

I don't have that one.

Oh, it's just like, of this I am certain. She just goes through this like really beautiful poetic way of sharing the things that she is certain of. And it's like being certain of friendship or being sure of— and so I love the way that it's poetically put together and it's a good reminder of like the simple things in life. I listen to it on Audible. I'm such an Audible reader.

Me too.

And then once I love the book, then I buy it in person. So a lot of these I might not have ever opened. I love Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. It came out the same week as my book. I beat him. This is so fun. This is such a fun fact about Always Becoming. I was in the number 1 section over— winning for a day, for a day, over Matthew McConaughey.

And you know what? When you're winning for a day— look at that beautiful cover though. It's beautiful.

It was so fun. A photographer from National Geographic did that. And it was so fun to be in the studio getting that paint professionally done. It was so good.

So pretty.

I encourage people if they're writing a book to— Go all out on their cover. It's totally worth it. Yeah.

You know what? It does make such a difference. If you notice, I've got 2 different covers.

Oh, I don't think I realized that.

Yeah. So I have a cover that the one that you have, and then I have a second edition and it's got a picture of me. And I actually had 1 month to— so I had to get the rights back to my book. Long story short, anybody that needs to know, I'll be happy to share it with you, but not to get into that. But I had a month to redo my whole interior myself, add some stuff, change the format, come up with a cover. And so I just was like, okay, here's a picture of me sitting on the sofa, and I used that. And it's like, oh, I wish I had more time to think about that. But I was about to go up and do my TEDx talk, and I wanted to have it back on Amazon before I did my talk. But so when I see a beautiful cover like yours, I really appreciate it. It's very catching. And, and then all your colors is just like, it's so you, you are on brand. And I know you teach a lot of people about branding and, and all that kind of stuff. And you also help people with their podcast and, and all of that. And so, but you're on brand, whether you're in person or you're showing up for a Zoom, you're just You're just like the rainbow, seriously.

I am. I love the rainbow so much. It brings people joy, and I've always been drawn to it. Even my wedding was rainbow. This is pre-Pinterest, so don't judge me, but it was literally rainbow for all of the bridesmaids. And the maid of honors, there was 2, wore polka dot rainbow dresses. It sounds heinous. It probably was, but it still, it worked out.

I have got to see a picture of that. Oh my gosh. I'll let you know.

I'll send you pictures. We sadly had a crazy rain thunderstorm, summertime thunderstorm. And so we, in addition to wearing those dresses, they were asked to be in bathing suits on the way down to the altar because we were doing it in the middle of the rain. So they all wore bathing suits too.

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. I love it.

Yep. And actually, this is fun news. I didn't think I told you when we saw each other last, and depending on when this airs, it'll have already happened. will be able to see it. But my husband and I are doing a wedding vow renewal for our 10-year anniversary next week. And then we're going on a second honeymoon. So we're super excited.

That is so awesome.

Yeah, we're so excited.

Wow. It's so funny. My husband and I were talking this morning. Our anniversary is coming up. I'm like, I had engraved in his ring. I was like, I engraved the wedding date on your ring so you would not forget it. And I'm always like, our anniversary is coming up, right? Oh yeah, it's the 21st. And then I was like, how many years is this? And you know how I remember is how old Ruby is. I'm like, she was born a year after we got married. That's how I always remember.

That is exactly me. Are you July 21st?

Yes.

Me too. And my son was born a year later. That's how I know how old and how—

You are kidding.

That is so funny. That's awesome. Wow. Who knew?

Well, happy anniversary. And how fun.

You too.

How fun.

Okay, just a peek of it next week.

Oh, I can't wait to see. Are you going to share a bunch of pictures and stuff on social?

No, it's just us, so we might share a couple, but we're gonna— we have a videographer and photographer coming since it was rained out the first time, and we're gonna do a fun like party with all of our friends and do a revealing of it. So it's gonna be— it's gonna be really cool.

Oh, well, I always love checking out your fun reels on Instagram. Um, but speaking of that, tell everybody the best way to find you.

Yeah, Instagram is totally where I hang out the most. I, I hear I'm supposed to be on TikTok these days, but I haven't gotten with the program fully. So Tamara Andres, it's just my name on Instagram. I love connecting with people in the DMs and specifically praying. So if there's something you heard even in this podcast and you're like, I need someone— we talked about community— if you just need prayer or you need insight or support, I would love to point you you in the right direction for people that have been amazing resources to me and just pray with you. So that would be that. And then you can see my website is the same. It's my name, and my business company is called Fit and Faith Media, and my podcast too.

So yeah. And before we go, I want you to tell everybody a little bit about this event that you have coming up, this huge conference that I cannot believe I have something else the exact I know.

We've got to figure that out next year. I'm not going to book it unless Amberly Lago can be on stage.

Oh my gosh. No, seriously, I would so love to be there. You have some rockstar people there.

It is a beautiful element for people to come and really just be and find community that, you know, really doesn't look like them at all. Maybe not physically, maybe not in what they do from a business perspective, but they know in their heart of hearts that they are there under the same knowing and the same truth. And so it's called Grow Your Business for God's Sake. We call it Grow for God for short. And it's Bible basics for building a business, and you get to learn from people who have done it phenomenally, whether they're millionaires or they're impacting a million people, because we know that it's not all about money, but there is prosperity when we do the Lord's work and we show up for a movement which is ultimately all rooted in the body of Christ, which is the kingdom, right? If you're doing something on purpose and you're doing it out of passion, it's from the Lord. It, it just has to be. There's no question in my mind. Um, and so I love the incredible speakers that are coming together, world-class.

And yeah, who are some of the speakers?

We've got, um, Patrice Washington, who is incredible. Do you know—

oh, I love Patrice! I've actually had her on the podcast and we did a podcast swap. She's amazing. She is.

They call her the Money Maven. And so, she's one. We've got Tim Storey, who you might know.

I love Tim.

Coach.

Yeah, he's been on the show. Y'all can look up that episode.

We have so many similar, similar Posse people in our, in our group. I'm thinking of Travis Believes. Have you connected with Travis Believes yet?

He's been on the show too.

I love it, Travis. So yeah, so basically, we're having a True Grit and Grace Conference, November 3rd through the 5th. Come hang out with us. Amberly won't be there, but I will.

Oh, I've got to figure out how I can be there. I seriously cannot believe— like, I just feel it in my bones that I—

Yeah, you do. But there's— I mean, we have over 25 speakers. I could go on and on about the incredible people coming together. I think one of my favorite people to mention is Anthony Hart and The Session, which is Morgan Hart, my girl, my creative everything. When you think about Rainbow, you can't just think of me. You have to think of the girl who designed that cover and designs the back wall that you see right now. But her and her team, they are a worship team that will blow your mind.

Is she the one who wrote your acknowledgement, or?

No, that's— oh, so my foreword was by Hope Carpenter. Hope, it will also be there. I'm glad you brought her up.

Hope will be there. Okay.

She— oh my gosh, I surround myself with some— I'm like, she's a firecracker, she's a firecracker. Y'all are gonna be in for a treat. You're gonna need to bring your fireworks sunglasses because it's gonna blow your mind.

Oh, you know, and then one more question before we go. Have you thought about doing, um, a book of your poetry?

You know, I have had this in the back of my mind for quite a while, and I am certain that it's going to come out, likely as a devotional. Because of all the different genres of pieces. But it will, it will 1,000% happen. I don't know when, but it's, it's in the back of my mind for sure. I've got notebooks and notebooks of them. So to go back would just be a process in and of itself.

I don't know. I mean, I could just imagine like this beautifully illustrated coffee table book. I'm just saying.

I'm in. Preach it, girl. I'm ready for it.

I mean, because you're, you're, you're brilliant at it. You're just brilliant. So yeah, you guys, you can You can find all the links that she has shared in the podcast notes. Check out her book. I highly recommend Always Becoming and check out her conference. I, I, if there's a way I can be there, I will. And her podcast. I love your pod. You have amazing guests on your show. I feel so honored that I got to be on.

Yes.

But I just love the work that you do. The heart that you put into everything that you do is amazing. So thank you for taking the time to be on the show. And you know what, if you— if there's something that really resonated with you, take a screenshot. If you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, take a screenshot and share it and tag us on Instagram, because that's where we both kind of hang out. When I see that you've listened and you've, you've tagged us, I share that. It means a lot that you're here.

Yeah.

Listening, tuning in. But really, go show Tamara some love and let her know you heard her here on True Grit and Grace. And thank you again for being on and sharing your heart, your hope, your wisdom. I love you, girl. Thank you.

An honor. Love you so much too. Thank you for what you do.

And thank y'all for tuning in. I will see you next week.