Turn Fear Into Fuel with John Assaraf

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago, and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your passion, and fuel your purpose. Hello and welcome back to True Grit and Grace. I'm Amberly Lago, and I have a real treat for y'all today. I have John Assaraf with us. He is one of, I would say, the leading expert of mindset and behavioral in the world. He's appeared numerous times on Larry King Live, Anderson Cooper, and even the Ellen DeGeneres Show. And you may know him from the blockbuster hit, The Secret. He's been in several movies. He's built 5 multimillion companies. One went public on NASDAQ, and one, RE/MAX, grew 1,200 sales associates and $4.5 billion a year in sales. He's written a bestselling book, which I loved on Audible, by the way, called Innercise: The New Science to Unlock Your Brain's Hidden Power, in addition to being a 2-time New York Times bestseller. And he is the founder and CEO of myneurogym.com. It's a company dedicated to using the most advanced technologies and evidence-based training methods to help individuals strengthen their mindset and emotional skills so they unleash their inner power and maximize the results. John, I have to say something really quick. Okay. Y'all, I'm not usually like a little nervous. And I think because I'm So just in awe of your work. I'm a little tongue-tied and a little bit nervous, so I was stuttering through that intro.

No need to be.

Oh my goodness, you're so kind. I'm so appreciative that you're here to share. I just, I love your book. Um, I, I first found you actually on Clubhouse, and I would just sit there and just eat up all that you would say. You have such wisdom, but an incredible story. Um, there was a story that you told about a mentor that you had, and his name was Mr. Brown, and it really impacted your life. And I had a mentor growing up too, and it's amazing how mentors can do that. I would love if we could just start by sharing kind of where you were and how you came from being a little bit of a troublemaker, if I might say. To this—

A lot of trouble. You know, like many of us, you know, life was, you know, normal as a kid. Parents, you know, raised 3 children trying to make ends meet. A lot of struggle as they were, you know, young parents, you know, in the '50s. My father was doing odd jobs and ended up, you know, working as a cab driver. My mother was a seamstress working with a local department store. got married for all the wrong reasons back then, and they didn't have a great relationship. But they loved their family and they wanted the best for my brother and sister and I. And so I was born in Israel and my parents moved from Israel to Montreal, Canada when I was 5. And the reason they did that is they didn't want to raise their children in war-torn Israel. You know, it was always at war with some of the neighboring countries. And so they said, well, let's move. and immigrate to Canada. And which sounded fine, except I was put into first grade without knowing the English or French language, which is what they spoke in Montreal. And so here I was falling behind in a classroom of, you know, 50 kids, 60 kids back then, packed. Teacher could not pay attention to the kids that didn't have the basic of alphabet and language. And so I fell behind. behind by a couple of years within the first 3, 4 years. By the time I was in 7th grade, I failed English and math. By the time I was in 11th grade, I was considered a high school derelict, getting into trouble in school, fighting in the principal's office, getting kicked out of school. And then on the side, I was doing illegal things like breaking and entries, selling drugs. Yes, doing drugs, drinking alcohol. And I was 15, 16, 17 years old, getting into a lot of trouble. And that was where I felt comfortable. That was like, that's where I felt comfortable and safe. And I was told enough times that I'm not very smart. I was a dumb jock. I was a derelict that wouldn't amount to much, voted most likely to fail in life.

Wow.

And so I had this self-image that I just wasn't smart enough. And so I did things that I excelled in, which were nefarious things. And then as I was getting older and I was taking more and more risk, the consequences became much greater. One of the guys that was in my little street gang that I was a part of went to jail. Another guy died. And my path was on the wrong train, on the wrong path, picking up speed. And the only thing that I was going to hit was a wall. Morgue or jail. And my brother who loved me and I loved him, my sister who loved me and I loved her, were really concerned for what I was doing. They knew, my parents didn't. If my father would've known, he would've killed me. And so, my brother out of his just desire to help me was a tennis coach. He had a client that he was teaching tennis to who was a very successful entrepreneur in real estate. And he said, hey, listen, why don't you come to Toronto to meet me and this man named Alan Brown, and maybe he can give you some ideas. Maybe, maybe he could even hire you to work for his real estate company. I was like, that would be awesome, because at the time I'd left school, I was working in a shipping department of a computer company, you know, letting— getting boxes, opening up the boxes, putting things on the shelves, taking things off the shelf, putting in boxes, putting them on the truck.

I was Hated it.

And so anything would have been better than the $1.65 an hour that I made doing things I hated. So my brother invites me. I take the train to Toronto. He picks me up. We go to lunch with Mr. Alan Brown. Cordial man, well-dressed, in shape, happy, vibrant, looked successful. Wasn't ostentation. It was just an elegant man. And at lunch, he just started asking me questions of like, why was I doing the things I was doing? And my answer was, I don't know. I want to, you know, want to fit in with my buddies, want to make some money so I can do some of the fun things. But you can do that, you know, honestly. I said, well, I don't know how to. I didn't do well in school. He says, well, you don't have to do well in school to do well in life.

Wow.

So the discussion started off like that. And then he asked me, Like, what were my goals? And at the time, I had 3 goals. 1, get a better job. 2, buy my first car. 3, move out of my parents' house. And I was 19. And he said, well, those are all great, but what's some of your longer-term goals? I said, well, I never thought about it. And he said, well, would you do me a favor? I said, yeah, sure, what? And he reached into his briefcase and he took out this document. And he handed me this document. He says, can you just sit at the table next to your brother and I and just fill this out as best as you can? And then we'll go from there. And I said, sure. So I took the document, sat down, looked at the first page. The first question was the 1980 Goal Setting Guide.

1980 Goal Setting Guide.

I was 19 at the time. So I look at this and the first question, Amberly, Is, um, at what age do you want to retire? I'm like, what?

And you're like, I hadn't even thought about retiring. I don't even know what I want to do tomorrow.

My father's working like a dog. He can't retire. Nobody in our family has retired. Everybody's working into their 70s and 80s. And so I asked him, I said, Mr. Brown, I'm 19. Like, what am I supposed to put there? He goes, pick a number. So I just said, okay, 45. I picked the number that was twice longer or 100% longer than I was alive. The next question was, how much net worth do you want to have upon retirement? And I'm thinking, what is net worth? So, I said, Mr. Brown, what does net worth mean? And he explained to me what net worth was. I said, okay, $3 million. Next question is, what kind of car do you want to drive?

Mercedes-Benz.

Next question. What kind of home do you want to live in? 4-bedroom, beautiful house. What kind of travel do you want to do? First class around the world. And it asked a whole bunch of these questions about cars and homes and charity and who you wanted to help. And I wanted to retire my parents and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just wrote out this stuff that was—

And things they don't ask you about in school. They don't talk about that kind of stuff or planning or even, you know, they, when I was in school, they didn't even talk about how to balance a checkbook.

No.

Or count money back or basic things.

Yeah. He asked me basically to dream. And I was like afraid of dreaming because I had evidence that my dreams will never come true. I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough to achieve those things. So I never dreamt about those things. I may have watched them on TV and like, wow, that would be so cool. That would be great. Yeah. As a, you know, some fantasy. And then when he took the document that I had, he read it, he started to smile. He says, you know what? This would be a life worth living and creating. I go, yeah, it sure would be. He said, I'm going to ask you one question, and the answer to this question will determine whether you achieve every one of these things. And Amberly, I'm thinking in the back of my head, yeah, right. One question.

Yeah.

Determine whether I achieve $3 million and travel the world and retire my parents and Mercedes-Benz and Italian wardrobe and do these things and have these things. And he leaned in and he said, son, are you interested in achieving all of these things or are you committed to achieving them? And I remember thinking, am I interested or am I committed? And I felt stupid again. And so I said to him, I said, Mr. Brown, what's the difference? And he paused and he said, son, if you're interested, you'll do what's easy and convenient.

Mm-hmm.

He said, if you're interested, you'll allow your story that you just told me to control you. He said, if you're interested, you will keep repeating the same habits and patterns over and over again. Hoping and praying and dreaming for things to change, but you won't change. He said, however, if you are committed, you will upgrade your identity. And he pointed to his head. You upgrade your identity so that it matches your destiny.

Oh, that is so powerful. Yeah.

He says you will upgrade your beliefs about what is possible for you. You will upgrade your mindset and your skillset, and you will develop the habits required to achieve every one of these goals, which they're all achievable. You just don't know how. So, son, are you interested or are you committed? And I was just about to jump out of my seat, right? Because it made sense. And so I'm committed. And he was calm. He said, in that case, I will be your mentor.

Oh my gosh. I love that story.

I'm getting chills up the back of my head right now.

I got goosebumps.

And then I said to him, what's a mentor? I didn't know. And he explained to me, a mentor is somebody who shows you the path, somebody who shows you why you do this and not that, how to create an identity, how to create the beliefs, how to create the habits, and what skills do you upgrade. So he, in one lunch, one question, one answer, helped change the trajectory of my life 41 years ago.

Wow.

41 years ago. And that man, by opening up his heart and giving me of himself, he then asked me to move to Toronto, which I fought him on. He then asked me to get into real estate school, which I fought him on, because I lived in Montreal, 350 miles I didn't have any money. I hated school. I had all the reasons, stories, and excuses why to say no, no, no, no, no. I don't know why, but I did it anyway. And I started working for him on commission only, zero salary. Not only did I not make my $1.65 an hour, I went to zero. But he taught me the self-confidence, the skills, the certainty to trust and believe in myself, whereas I didn't before. And then over the next 12 months, 18 months, excuse me, under his guidance, I made $180,000.

Wow.

Selling real estate at 19 years young, having zero experience in business, zero sales, zero marketing, zero anything, just learning what to say, what to do, what to think, what to feel And how to upgrade my identity to match this destiny. And that was the beginning of me realizing that mindset is something that you can get better at. Managing your emotions is something that you can upgrade that skill. And then learning what to do, we already know how to achieve just about anything that anybody who's watching or listening wants to achieve. So, if you're committed, you'll do whatever it takes. And if you're not, then you'll allow your stories, reasons, and excuses to control you.

It's so true. And it is being committed to reach your goals and just going after it with grit. I have had fear. And I mean, I was nervous when I started talking with you and we got on the— not fear, but a little— I like to turn that. I've switched that To excitement is what I've— how I've learned to control those emotions with when I get nervous. But some people live with a lot of fear, panic attacks, anxiety. How do you flip that switch? If you like, if you could flip the switch from fear and anxiety and stress to calmness and certainty and more confidence.

So, and I know you've gone through a lot of challenges in your life with your car accident, and you've overcome a lot of stuff. So let's— I think it's worthwhile just stepping back for just a moment. Like when you, when you said the word panic and stress and anxiety and uncertainty, I hear ignorance. Let me explain what I mean. Not stupidity, ignorance. Would you agree that anxiety is a result of something that's going on in your brain that's causing this feeling that we call anxiety?

Mm-hmm.

Stress is a feeling that we have because something is going on in our head that's causing this emotion that we call stress. Now, there's eustress, which is good stress, and then there is Bad stress. Panic happens when anxiety is left unchecked and we keep reiterating in our mind the very thing that we might be worried about or afraid of that might be happening in the present moment or in the future, but we've got this loop that goes unchecked and then we move into a panic where we cannot control it. Now, Is it not true that what activates anxiety, stress, or even panic is when the current demand exceeds our current capacity?

Mm-hmm.

So the current financial demand exceeds our current capacity, when the current communication demand exceeds our capacity, when the current— when the current demand on our physical body or our emotions, because of how much training we've had or not, exceeds our current capacity, we hit those boundaries that activate a group of networks and circuits in our brain that release the neurochemicals that then cause the feeling. And if we don't know how to be aware of feelings in our body and what to do to release them, then we keep thinking about what we feel and feeling what we think about. And now not only are we re— activating the cells in our brain to fire over and over and over again, producing those neurochemicals that we don't want to feel. But we think about what we feel, we feel what we think about, and then we create a self-fulfilling doom loop that not only keeps that loop going, but we now reinforce it. It becomes a dominant pattern. Mm-hmm.

Yes. And, and then you— and, and it's very interesting because I'll talk to, you know, someone in the family. I won't say who in case they listen to the show, but it's, it's always, what if, what if? And it— and the moment I get on the phone with them, it's like, well, I'm not good, I'm not good. And I'm like, if you keep saying you're not good, you are not going to be good. You're not going to be well.

And that's what I'm going to come back to. Ignorance is the biggest problem. Now let me explain. As soon as you said, you know, what if— if anybody can see, you know, me right now, you'll see up over there is Frankenstein's monster, and over here there's Einstein, the genius part of our brain. Well, think of the genius part of the brain as the go muscle or the go pedal in your car, and Frankenstein's monster as the brakes in your car. Let me explain how things work. Whenever we want to do something, have something, be something, change, achieve more, we're using our Einstein brain imagination and hope, and it would be so great to. However, there's another part of our brain that has been evolving for hundreds of thousands of years. And that is what I call Frankenstein's monster. And this part of our brain Its sole responsibility is to say, what if you fail? What if you succeed and fail? What if you do this, try this, have this, be this, and then you're embarrassed, ashamed, ridiculed, judged, or disappointed? So let me give you a different frame to look through these lenses with. Imagine you're driving your car and everything's fine. Beautiful sunny day. You're just enjoying a casual drive and all of a sudden a light pops up on your dash. Have you ever considered taking a hammer and hitting the light?

No.

The light's a signal. Another part of this equation, you're driving your car, unless you have one of the newer cars, and you want to go into the left lane, but then you see on your, on your side mirrors a flashing light to tell you there's a car that's too close. Don't go into that lane. Isn't our job to pay, pay attention to the signals on the dash or what the radar is providing us? It might be danger, and then make decisions based on real information. Well, the what-if part of our brain is predicting what may happen in the future based on the past as a reference model.

Wow.

So the past may be accurate. So your job is to be aware of it and then go, okay, since the past does not equal the present or the future, the past is a reference point. Now I want to reactivate my Einstein brain and say, do I want to move forward or don't I? So when we—

Do I want to be committed or interested?

That's right.

Right.

So part of the challenge is most people have, you know, let's say a million-dollar, you know, car in their driveway that can do so much, but they don't know how to drive it. Well, we all own a $100 billion brain and we don't know how to use it well. Not that it's not capable of incredible performance because every brain functionally works the same. And as a behavioral neuroscience researcher that has been studying neuroscience for 41 years in neuropsychology, where I can share with you, the problem isn't with the hardware or even the operating system. In many cases, it's the software, the programming, the conditioning, and we are just not really good operators of our own brain. And since our brain can adapt The question should be for all of us, what skill must I learn so that I can let go of what's not working for me and start to create and reinforce patterns that will work for me?

Well, I think it's so— I mean, it sounds like when you're in a moment where you are afraid to do something, whether it's going on stage and speaking or starting a new business or asking a girl out on a date or anything.

That's right.

Um, in that moment, it sounds simple to just go, wait, I need to be aware of this feeling. Where this— what past experiences are this— is this coming from? And in fact, after reading your book, I was kind of having a meltdown about like, why is it that I get so flustered and so defeated when I can't figure something out? with technology? Like, where is that coming from? And after reading your book and thinking about and, and being aware of these feelings, I was able to process it. Oh, I remember exactly where that came from. I remember the first time I was on a computer and my ex-husband told me I was stupid and I could never use a computer. And I— and see, there you go again. You made it crash again. And it was like, oh. I just don't ever. And so I ended up— I didn't buy. I let that stop me for a long time. I bought my first computer only 5 years ago. But just being aware of those feelings is powerful. But then how you start to shift it. And I think you said to do something for 100 days. Is that the magic number that you should kind of reprogram these Things, whether they are things you tell yourself or habits or new things that you introduce into your life on a daily basis. Is that the magic number?

Yes. Before I answer that, I want to share with you, you remind me of a story. We had a gal. I have never met her personally before, but when she was 16 or 17 years old, she was getting her driver's license and Her mother was in the car with her, and the girl made a mistake and got into an accident. And her mother screamed so long and blamed her so violently that this poor girl— her mother said, you're going to kill somebody! And she just went off on this 16-year-old girl, like, in her first 3, 4 days of driving. Well, this gal, who 30 years later, at 46, still hadn't driven a car since that time, Wow. And she not only read my book, but she got one of our programs called Winning the Game of Fear. She sent me a picture, okay, of her driving in a brand new Mercedes that her husband just bought. And she was just jamming 40, you know, 40-some-odd years later, or 30-some-odd years later, you know, she finally relinquished this pattern because the trauma was so severe when she was trying to drive. Her mother equated driving with her killing somebody. So she said, I might kill somebody if I drive because I'm not a good driver. So she never drove for 30 years. So now let me answer your question.

Wow. That's a powerful story.

None of us are born with any fear. None of us are born with any beliefs about what we can do or can't do. None of us are born with a self-image of how awful we are or how awesome we are. Those are nothing more than neural patterns, brain cells that have fired together and neural connections that have been made. The connections that have been reinforced become our truth, our reality, our beliefs, our self-image, our habits. Part 1, part 2. So the question then becomes, is it possible for us adults to deactivate a pattern that may be automatic in holding us back?

Yeah.

And here's the answer. I'm gonna give you the answer in 2 ways. Number one, as a young girl, did you believe in Santa Claus?

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Did you believe in the Tooth Fairy?

Absolutely.

Great. So you were taught that Santa Claus is real and Santa Claus means this and Christmas means that and the Tooth Fairy means this, the Tooth Fairy does that. And you had this idea that you believe with your whole heart.

Oh yeah.

And then as new evidence came in, you're like, oh, okay, that was fun. Uh, Santa Claus isn't real, but I can still play along because it's positive, it's empowering, it, it's cohesive, and it brings a lot of good memories for most children who participate in, you know, the Santa Claus and Christmas era. Now, so if it's possible that you believed something before that isn't true, that means that you can unbelieve something that isn't true about you that you believe right now. So what do we know about patterns in the brain? When we fire our brain cells in a certain sequence, whether it's through language patterns, emotional patterns, and even behavioral patterns, let's say like exercise. You don't exercise. You said, well, I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to eat well, I'm going to exercise, and I'm going to go to the gym. And you do it for a day, for 7 days, for 14 days, for 21 days, and you feel so good. Then why is it that 87 to 90% of people who have New Year's resolutions within 3 weeks revert back to their old patterns? It's not because they don't have the intention of continuing. It's because there are processes in the brain that unless you activate and reinforce these subconscious processes, the conscious decision-making ones aren't strong enough. So what have we learned? In the last several years, there's been some research around where do our habitual patterns reside in the brain? And we haven't been able to see like in the brain, like is there a place where habits are or formulate. We know that the hippocampus is where memories are.

Mm-hmm.

We know that there's another little place in the brain called the striatum, which is not that important, but that appears to be where these tightly grouped neurons and cells are. So what have we discovered? Just like it takes X amount of time to renovate your home, It takes about 66 days to 365 days to— and I'm going to use this term lightly— renovate your neural patterns. So to get rid of the old and start and reinforce the new. And so what happens if you give yourself at least 100 days, okay, to start the foundation of the renovation and then build upon that Now you have the ability to deactivate and to take away the strength of the old programming and create and reinforce new patterns. And so if you do 100 days to begin with, then you can add another 100 days and then you can add another 100 days. And now the patterns that have been firing and wiring together become dominant patterns.

And John, you said something, I don't remember. This was in an interview that I was listening to that you did. I was at the gym working out and you said something in one of another interview. I think that you were with Ed Mylett and you said something that made me stop working out and write this down. You said a habit is more important than the intensity at first.

Correct.

And I think that if more people— I think like a lot of people that want to work out and their New Year's resolution is, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to go to the gym, and they work out, they get there and they may work out really hard and they're so sore they can't walk.

Yeah.

They, they might not go, or they, they go and they feel like it's just not good enough. But if you realize, if you just go and you get those smart feet and you It's like I don't have to think about going because I am just— that's part of what I do. It's the same thing when I wake up in the morning. I don't think about going to go drink a big glass of water every morning. I've trained myself to— that's just what I do. And the more it's like I'm on autopilot to do that. So I love that you said that.

You are on autopilot. So here's, here's the, the the visual, right? The complexity, intensity, and duration are irrelevant at first. It's the consistency that builds the habit. So first you build the habit and then the habit will build you.

Ooh, I love that.

So let me, let me show you something instead of telling you. I have several private clients that I work with, and I can't show you their names, but I'll show you something that, you know, um, you know, every one of them does. And so, um, you'll see, um, 2 minutes and 15 seconds, right? That's one client. Let me show you another one. You're gonna see, um, day 25 times 25. Why am I showing you these? These are a couple of very, very, very successful entrepreneurs. that have hired me privately, not only to help them with their business, but also health. I'm really big into health and wellbeing.

And y'all, if you're listening to this on Apple or Spotify, if you head over to the YouTube channel, you will be able to see how into health John is, or check out his Instagram and you'll see him with his— you have 3 sons or 2 boys?

2 boys.

All good looking. How tall are y'all?

Uh, my one son's 6'3, the other one's 6 foot, and I'm 6'1.

Uh, I— you look really tall, but just the picture of health. But sorry, I just want people to go check out your Instagram and check out this on YouTube as well.

So anyway, these 2 clients of mine, you know, they want to get back in really good shape because they're mega successful. $100 million company, one of them. A billion dollar company, the other one. But they weren't in health, so they said We want to get help. What should we do? Um, should we hire a trainer? Should we hire a nutritionist? No, no. Um, I want, um, 100 days of, um, 1 minute of planks or 10 push-ups a day. So what you've just seen is one of them just started like about 9 days ago. He's already at 2 minutes and 15 seconds. The other one's on day 25. He's doing 25 to 30 push-ups a day, but they both started with just like The minimal amount that they could commit to and easily do. Why? Well, if we can reduce the neural tension of change— let me explain the neural tension of change. The only human that likes change is a wet baby. The rest of us fight to keep our habits going. Why? Because it requires almost zero cognitive energy. And since our brain is a miser of energy, okay, wants to conserve energy, not use energy.

Mm-hmm.

Anything that requires, I need to do a half hour of this or 50 minutes of this or 40 minutes of this. I need to go to the gym. I need to watch my diet. I need to stop this. Like our brain's going, oh my God, that's too much of a cognitive load. So what do we do? We use how our brain actually works and we reduce it to the ridiculous. So the ridiculous is, can you do 1 minute right now? Um, I can do 1 minute. Great. Let's do a minute. And then tomorrow when you don't feel like it, can you do a minute? Well, yeah. Yeah. A minute's nothing. So we reduce it to nothing. Listen, when my mother, before she died, was in her retirement home, she was depressed for many, many years. Didn't feel like doing anything. Stayed in bed for months at a time. And I used to fly back and forth to Montreal. She goes, hey, Mom, why don't you come for a walk with me? I don't want to. Okay, Mom, just move your arms up. I don't want to. Okay, do me a favor, Mom. Can you take your finger? True story. Can you just do this? One finger.

Wow.

She goes, yeah. She did one finger. I said, oh, that's easy. Can you do the other one? Then she did this. Could you do the other one? She did this. I said, well, now you did this hand, do the other hand. I started off with her— this is a few years ago— I started off with her just moving her fingers, then moving her arm, left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg, to the point that just a week before she died of COVID um, she was on the bike every day for 15 minutes, like on the, on the little recumbent bike, and walking the halls, starting with one, one finger.

Oh, just doing this.

Right? And she was in her 80s, 80s, was never in shape her whole life and never really wanted to do anything. So the point that I want to make is this 100 days is what gets you going. But you build the habit of thinking positively for 100 days, catching yourself thinking negatively or feeling disempowered and then just shifting for one time.

Yeah.

So you can, you can use this 100 days to increase your awareness and make it better. For managing your self-talk, make it better. For being aware of your emotions and then shifting like a Hollywood actor or actress from this emotion to that emotion. From not feeling like doing what you need to do for whether it's health, wealth, relationships, career, business, finances, money, getting out of debt, whatever it is. If you don't feel like it, but you just still take one little tiny action step towards what you do want when you don't want to, You've just interrupted the pattern. And anytime we interrupt the pattern, it's like we fracture the strength of it. And so now who's in control? Is the old me in control now, or is the me that I can be in control now? And with a little bit more of awareness and focus and action, Now I can interrupt destructive, disempowering, maybe even negative patterns. And I can start very, very slowly constructive, positive, empowering patterns that allow me to make progress towards my goals and dreams. I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for progress. And a little bit of progress every day or every week means I'm moving towards what I want. But by definition also means I'm moving away from what I don't want.

And everything we do is either working for us or against us, right? And this makes sense. I mean, it really makes sense to me. When I first got sober years ago, it was keep it simple and one day at a time. And I remember, you know, my sponsor had just said, can you just do one day at a time? And I mean, That sounds— now it sounds easy, but back when I had started drinking every day, I was like, a day without it? Just like some people who have never exercised, like moving my body. I've had people ask me, people that live with— especially that live with chronic pain, um, from CRPS like I have, they're like, well, how do you move when you have this disease with chronic pain? And I'm like, I just do whatever I can. If my leg's hurting too bad, I, like your mom, moved one finger. I go to the gym and I sit and I move my upper body. I was exercising in my hospital bed, just doing what I could. But I love the idea of being able to use this with not just— with every aspect. And it starts—

Yes.

With your emotions. Um, and I think that so many people Especially now with still times being with COVID and new variants and all of it, do have a lot of fear. How do you use— if you could give me something that somebody could use to turn fear into fuel to move forward? Sure.

And just so you know, I haven't had a drink since September of 2009 either. So—

Oh my goodness.

I drank way, way, way too much and decided that I was drinking way too much and it wasn't serving me anymore. So I stopped drinking alcohol in 2009, became a vegan like 2011. And then this in 2020, for my 60th birthday. On my 59th birthday, I used to eat a lot of refined sugar with cookies, cakes, and stuff like that, vegan stuff. And so I gave up refined sugar as well about A year and a half ago. So, wow.

Okay. My question to you, what was the hardest thing to give up?

Sugar.

I was gonna say sugar. It is the devil, isn't it?

Sugar, sugar, refined sugar. I eat like bananas, blueberries, blackberries. Sugar was by far the hardest.

I bet you feel incredible.

Yeah, it was part of my focus on my health. I wanted to have a 6-pack at 60.

And you do. Well, I mean, I've seen— I saw a picture of you on the beach and I was like, dang, he is not messing around.

So we can achieve a lot more than, um, than we give ourselves credit to sometimes. Um, so your question was, how do you—

how do you— how do you turn fear into fuel? So instead of like, I am fearful, like I have people say Well, I'm scared I'm going to hurt if I do that. And that goes back to if, if you don't know.

Right.

But these are a lot of people, um, who have done it and, you know, reinforced that, okay, see, I knew I was right. I'm hurting worse now. But I want them to know that, yeah, sometimes I do think, sometimes I exercise and it might flare up the CRPS or it might— sometimes I go on stage and yeah, I have bombed. Or sometimes I've done a virtual presentation and my slides were a disaster. Sometimes that stuff happens, but instead of letting it stop us or never drive a car or not buy a computer or not go after our dreams, how do you do like that quick shift? Okay, I'm going to use this as fuel. So the next time they get that idea in their head, nope, I'm not doing that. I'm, I'm— and they get stuck. How do they turn it into fuel?

So there's a couple of pieces to this. So number one is when we're feeling fearful, that means that the neurochemicals associated with what we don't want or what may happen that may be painful, whether it's spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially painful, our brain is playing out that scenario as if it was real, which means it's releasing the neurochemicals of fear. which is cortisol, epinephrine, or norepinephrine. So the cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine are the fight, flight, or freeze neurochemicals. So how do we turn that into fuel? So first is we don't fight the fear. We're aware that fear just is letting us know that there is a possibility of danger. It's a, it's, it's a real danger to us in our heads because of the memory that we have around the thing or what we've read or, or heard or, or observed happening or what actually happened to us. That's part one. So we want to shift into a state of awareness, and it's awareness that gives us choice, and choice gives us freedom. So here's what we do. We can play this out in advance, and it goes like this. So I want you to imagine that you take the action, that you're afraid of taking action. And I want you to imagine, okay, that let's say you bomb on stage. Okay. Is it bombing on stage that you're fearful of, or is it about being embarrassed, ashamed, ridiculed, or judged? Like, what is actually causing you to be afraid of it? Most people say, well, I'm actually not afraid of being on stage. I'm afraid of what my people will say or think or do if I don't do well. So that's a possibility, right? Yeah. That's a possibility. Now, how do we shift the possibility into a different probability? So what has to happen in order for you to get on stage and actually succeed? What has to happen in order for you to get behind that car and actually follow through and override the fear? And now if I can do something called mental contrasting, which means this possibility exists, But I'm going to focus on what I want. Is it possible that both possibilities always exist, but what you choose to focus on is what actually—

Absolutely. Absolutely.

No differently than there's always this side of the coin, but there's also that one. People who live in a constant state of fear consistently look at the negative, even though the positive is right on the other side. So what we want to do is we want to mentally train to be aware of this is the possibility. Maybe what I focused on and reinforced in the past, the fear of this or that or this or that or this or that. And we start to feel that possibility because we replay it in our minds over and over again. We've developed that as a pattern, okay, of our reality. But by very definition, another pattern also exists. That you won't get hurt, you won't be embarrassed, you won't be ashamed, you won't be ridiculed, that people actually go, wow, that was really great, thank you. Or that you get into the car or on the plane, right? And you go like, oh, that wasn't that bad, I did it. Which do you want to reinforce?

You could say, what's the worst that could happen? You could say, what's the best that could happen?

And then what has to happen in order for me to focus on the best and to follow through? So now you have that excitement in you. And now you are deliberately using the Einstein part of your brain instead of reinforcing the Frankenstein what-if negative part of your brain.

Yeah.

Now, in the book Innercise, I talk about, you know, it's 2 different parts of your brain. So let me give you a different view. Imagine that you're part of a band. All right? A rock band or a or a classical, you know, band. And you have to, as the conductor, get the members of the band to play in concert, in harmony. Your job is to— a little bit more of this, a little bit less of this. You come in now and your job is to create harmony. Well, what if I shared with you that there's different parts to your brain? The part of your brain that's trying to keep you safe just in case, and the part of your brain that wants to express itself and do everything And these 2 parts of your brain are fighting each other, but there's another part of your brain that can be aware of those 2. And then you can say, okay, there's a part of me that wants to do it, would like to do it, but there's another part of me that's afraid of doing it. And what if in a calm, relaxed state, you could honor and respect both parts of yourself and then choose—

Got it.

But I want to let this fear go. I want to step into becoming more, having more, sharing more, giving more. I want to, I want to live a more purposeful life. I want to live a more meaningful life. I want to be able to express myself more fully versus being laden with fear.

Yeah.

Now, that's the gift each one of us has, is we can actually choose and not live these repetitive, disempowering, destructive patterns that hold us back when the only reason is we don't have the skill yet on how to turn the fear into the fuel. Everybody starts off as a clumsy beginner. Everybody starts off with fear of whether it's falling off your bike, you know, but we learn how to ride a bike by falling. We learn how to walk by falling. We learn how to brush our teeth by messing it up. We learn how to eat because we stick it everywhere but our mouth.

It's so true. And And I mean, I have people that are scared to post on social media and they're like, well, as soon as I find somebody that I could hire to do that for me. And I'm like, no, you just need to do it. I purposely leave my most horrible posts that I first did, you know, with bad filters. And sometimes, look, they're also not so great now, but I'm constantly learning. And when you just do it and you practice at it, I leave those posts up there so people can see. I didn't start with a post that was perfect and the best quote and, you know, thousands of likes. It was terrible, but I just kept doing it until I started to learn. I started to build my confidence and started to get better at it. And it's the same with whether you're writing, whether you're speaking on a stage, whether you're getting up to To share. And I mean, John, you'll have to check him out. Like, go— well, first of all, grab his book. But you are gonna like get lost on it watching his YouTube videos, because it's one thing to hear him, but you're so entertaining when you speak because of the way that you do and the way that you have— like, I'm learning a lot as a speaker just seeing you right now on Zoom. Just I'm like I love that coin. How you took the coin and you flipped it over. It's it's very memorable, and you're mesmerizing in all that you share. But yes, y'all please check them out. And I know we've we've gone over our time a little bit. I just I just adore you and what you share, and I want people to y'all don't walk run out and get his book. I've got it on Audible too. That way I can listen to it while I drive if I'm not reading. But grab a highlighter and get the hard copy too. And I would love for you to tell people the latest and greatest about, because you have this new platform and you've taken all of these things from what your secrets to your success, and you've realized, oh my gosh, this doesn't just work for me. Like it can work for everybody if they just go out and do this. And so you've created myneurogym.com, and now people can access all of these tools. And so no matter what they want to do in life to live their best life, they can have all the— you open your playbook, not just with you, but other experts in the industry. So can you tell, before you go, tell people a little bit about that? Because I want them to find out more about that too.

Sure. So I started my company, you know, myneurogym.com, Because I personally believe, and there's enough evidence that, you know, our brains are the epicenter of our lives and of everything that we experience and see and hear and do or don't do. And so the more we are able to recognize the genius within all of us and how to use our brain better, the more success we can achieve and the more we can help each other. you know, develop and grow and achieve our goals. And so every Saturday, you know, there's a Brainathon that people could sign up for if they like. The one that's airing right now is Change Your Brain, Change Your Income, Change Your Life. And I bring on brain and success experts. It's free. And people could sign up and just join us on a Saturday for some, you know, amazing brain training. And you'll learn more about stuff like we talked about today and and how you can set and achieve your goals. And, um, you can either go to myneurogym.com or go to brainathon.com and sign up. And people join us for 2 hours or 3 hours or 6 hours. And, um, it's fascinating. If you want to dive into my work, obviously I'm all over social media. And pick up one of my New York Times bestselling books, whether it's Innercise or Having It All or The Answer. And, uh, just get into the work because The evidence is there, and the how-to achieve any goal you want is already here. So you just need to remove the obstacles, whether it's mental or emotional obstacles, and sometimes it's not knowing what to do. And once you do that, then you can start living your life the way you're supposed to be living it. And going through the stratosphere with accomplishments and, and ways to manage the stuff that doesn't work. Yes.

You know what? I am going to have my husband check that out too, especially this weekend. I've been really wanting him to. He's retired now, but he was a Lieutenant Commander with the Highway Patrol. And he's just like, I'm not into that self-development kind of stuff. But I know that he would totally resonate with you. And plus, kind of like you resonated with your first mentor because you were like, well, he looks like a sharp dude. He's well put together. He's fit. He looked— my husband would be like, okay, this dude is fit, healthy. He looked— yeah, okay, I'll listen to him. I swear. So I'm gonna sign him up and be like, here, honey. It is just always—

I remember.

I learned so much from you, and I just appreciate you being on the show. Again, y'all check him out. It, you know, whatever part, take a screenshot, share it in your social media, tag me, Amberly Lago. Motivation and John Azaraf. And thank you again, y'all. Check out the show notes. You can find all the links to his books, to every platform. And you know what, we need to put The Secret, the, the link in there for your blockbuster hit too. So we'll make sure we do that too.

Thanks, Amberly.

Thank you.

Have a great afternoon and night and day. And everybody, thanks for joining us.