From Pain to Purpose: Jamie Quisumbing on Healing from Trauma and Finding Your Worth

All right everybody, welcome back to the Infinite Gold Podcast. This is your show host Bri and Anthony Goldner. Guys, we've got a little over 40 episodes now recorded and that are live. Hello, that's amazing! Most people fall off FF at 20. Um, but hey, we are going strong. Um, in our podcast, we like to discuss, uh, off of the Infinity Model, which we coach, uh, the 4 pillars of life, your personal mindset, your professional, your vitality, and your community. Today we are gonna dive into your personal mindset with our special guest, Jamie Kissumbing. She has been in the health, uh, healthcare marketing for over 15 years and has recently transitioned into her coaching in the last couple of years. Jamie, welcome.

Thank you so much for having me.

So we like to start off— yeah, thank you. We'd like to start off our shows with giving you, giving you the floor. Give us a 3 to 4 minute speech as to who you are, where you're coming from, and what brought you here today.

Yeah, so, um, I am a native in Colorado and I am a mom of 2. I've been married for, um, coming up on 13 years.

And, uh, that magic 13 number.

Yeah, yeah, for those that know, it's pretty special.

Yes.

Uh, so So yeah, I mean, my experience in healthcare marketing is pretty vast, and I am really excited about being able to dive deeper into heart issues and life issues to help more women and connect with people on a heart level, because I think that's— it's just needed and necessary.

100%.

So yeah, there's, there's a number of things that I'm super passionate about. I'm excited kicking off my coaching career because it's, it's something that I, I really struggled whether or not I was worth it. And I don't know if that's going to make sense, but whether or not I could pull it off or if I had anything of value to give and share because I'm being passionate with women specifically. There's a lot of, I don't, I don't know if, um, negative stereotypes or, you know, things, things that, that we've dealt with, things that I've personally dealt with, a lot of trauma. And, uh, I just, I really struggled with believing in myself in order to be able to raise my hand and say, I can help. And I've, I finally reached that point where I'm ready and I know I can.

You are. You are. You already are. I see it in your face. You have like this special glow about you that I, I just see now that shines brighter than the day that I met you. You are not the same person that you were when I met you a year ago. And seeing you step into your coaching role and being the leader that you are in our community, it, it's amazing. And I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

So let's dive deep into that one right there. You mentioned that it was almost kind of like a light switch. It was almost something that flipped on that like told you and that you knew and you felt that you were capable and worthy of it. What was that? And for our listeners that maybe they're in your shoes a year or two ago and they're just not sure.

So I think one of the, there's, there hasn't been like one specific switch. It's been, it's been a lot of. Microsteps and micro decisions, micro commitments. And, and I've gotten this, this transformational snowball that has started because I am definitely not the same person who I was last year. But thinking about that even more, I just celebrated 2 years of sobriety from alcohol. Yes. Yeah, like I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago, like thinking about about that, it's, it's exciting to be able to own that. And I think that's what I'm stepping into is, is just owning it. And instead of running away from the things that I was ashamed of, or the things that had happened to me, and, and trying to kind of push those down and hide from them, I, I'm embracing them now. And so I'm embracing them, because I'm realizing that a lot of my message comes from my mess. Like we've, we've, a lot of us have heard that. Um, and a lot of the, the medicine that I've, I've, I've experienced healing from comes from pain and it comes from the dark, dark side that you don't necessarily want to press into. And it's a lot easier to numb and run from it than it is to face it and deal with it to be able to come out on the other side. It's not easy. Not easy.

I love that. And one of the things you kind of mentioned was, is coming out from that. And a lot of a saying that we love is you, you coach your prior 5 years ago self. Like, that's who you coach, and that's who you have that passion and that drive to help out. And you've mentioned that prior to us jumping on here, was that you really have a passion and a love for helping women that may be experiencing trauma now or have experienced trauma in the past, and helping them through those. What are some of those things that you do with women that are maybe experiencing trauma now or they did prior?

So I've thought a lot about that and I've thought a lot about how I want to help people because it's like Greg, Dr. Greg Kimball in The Final Percent says, like, if you're going to go there, if you're going to have the cojones to go there, you have to be there. Yes. And I've realized like I can go into dark places. I can, I can sit with people in really dark things, but I've struggled In the past, I've struggled from staying there. Like I would go there, be there, and then stay there and be stuck there. And, and, and for me, I had to really change my, my way of thinking and the internal dialogue to, well, that's because it's comfortable. And his mom, which I have to shout out because she's a fricking, she's, she's magic. Um, but she challenged me and she said, I have to challenge that and, and ask you to reframe it to it's familiar. The pain is from the darkness is familiar, but you're not comfortable with it. And so, and so step out of it. Like, just because it's familiar doesn't mean like, that's not the woman I want to be. And that's, that's the thing that I'm realizing with, with the women who are still struggling in, in the darkness in the moment, um, is they just need somebody to be able to see them and sit with them, not necessarily like fix it or offer this, this solution of you need to do this 6-step process or ABC and then, and then it'll get better, you know, like he'll stop hitting you or like, you know, you'll, you'll be safe or you're not going to be addicted anymore. It's, it's not that as much as it is, um, having somebody to know that they're not alone. And, and I'm seeing, I'm seeing a lot of progress with the gals that I, that I've talked to and have worked with already. Not all of them, but, but some, and most of them. But it's encouraging for me to think back to those moments when I was in the darkness. And when I was— I felt most alone. What did I need? And what, what did I want most? And it wasn't a lecture about how I'm being a crappy mom. And it wasn't a lecture about how, you know, you just need to get up and get to the gym and, you know, put put Starbucks down and put a protein shake in. It was, I see you, I hear you, you're not alone.

Making them feel seen. You're like, I get it. I feel you.

And not, but not staying there. So going back to what I said is it's, it's really important for me, um, knowing that I can go there to intentionally not stay there because it, it might feel familiar. But it's not who I am anymore. So therefore I'm able, I'm able to bring my light and the glow that you mentioned. I'm able to bring that and just shine it a little bit into their, their situation or their, their limiting beliefs and just say, what if there was a way out? What if your life could look different and you, you weren't addicted and you weren't sabotaging all of these relationships or hurting yourself or all of the, whatever it is, like challenging the limiting beliefs in a a really loving way.

I love that, that you're, you're challenging the limiting beliefs in a loving way rather than, uh, challenging, challenging them in a more, uh, you say not like criticizing that in a way, you know, and making you feel bad about it. It's like, okay, we felt this, we're challenging it now, but we want better for ourselves because we deserve better.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's a time and a place and I'm, I'll be honest, I'm still figuring that out in, in when to turn the volume up and be like, bitch, sit down. We've had this conversation already, like for real. Um, but there's also a time and a place for, for me just to hold the space because I've spent decades, plural, on doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. And the very few people that were, are still in my life. Today were patient enough to just love me through it and not, not in a, in an unhealthy, like, you know, keep me the same and not challenge me to get better, but just a consistent love and a consistent downpour in love. And that's something that I'm really curious how it's going to go, because when— and I think that's a case-by-case basis, like when women are and anybody is in a state of trauma, their, their fight or flight system is already up. Like they're, they're on defense, their cortisol's high. They're, you know, they're already like, like that. And so it's, it's been interesting to see and watch myself communicate with them almost like, like I'm having an outside out-of-body experience, um, observing myself in these conversations.

So let me ask you this, 'cause I, I really liked how you were talking about how they come up with their defenses. When that happens, where do you meet them? Like, how do you get them to disarm this wall that they're putting up with you?

That's a great question. Uh, I think the thing that is most helpful is when, and I've tested this a lot, but when I'm challenging a belief or I'm, I'm pushing up against, uh, yeah, but what if it didn't look like that? What if you made a different decision? As you know, it is that simple as, as much as it might not be. Uh, but explaining to them that I'm coming from a place of understanding of I've, I've been in your shoes and, you know, it may not look exactly like to a T what you're going through, but I can go neck and neck for pretty intense stuff. And I, and I, I, I'm not saying that that's helpful or beneficial, but when somebody's like, well, yeah, but you don't know what you're talking about because you haven't been through this. Like, really? Do you really want to go there? Let's sit down. Let's go. And it's just, that's not necessarily how I am wanting to hold the conversations. And I haven't had to go there because they feel my heart in wanting to connect with them. But as soon as they see that, like, oh shit, she's been through it too. This is a bad neighborhood, like this horror house that I'm living in. She's been through that. And, and then I'm able to say like, hey, instead of going down the hallway past the 5 monsters in the 6-bedroom, like, let's go out the back door. Like, we can climb through a window and get the F out of here because I know a way out. So I don't know if that makes sense.

No, that 100% makes sense. And if we get a little bit vulnerable with, um, the listeners, you kind of touched on it a little bit, but what are some of the things that have gotten you to where you are today, where you've battled those, you know, monsters in those multiple rooms, and that has given you that passion and that drive to help other women that are going through maybe the same things that you went through, or maybe something that's similar.

So I just actually partnered with a, a group of authors to publish a book on healing to be healed. And, uh, it's, it's pretty exciting. Um, cause it's coming out pretty soon. So the, the chapter that I wrote in this book, um, is basically what I healed from and how I healed and kind of a little bit about my journey. Um, cause everybody's, everybody's healed from something. I mean, we, we don't make it out of this life without scars and we don't make it out alive. So I mean, there's that.

Yeah.

True.

Accurate.

Yeah. So, so everybody has something and we have a process that we need to, to learn how to heal. And with what I shared in this book is about self-harm and, and when self-harm stepped into my life and how that became a coping mechanism and kind of what, what role that took in my life. And then I do challenge the reader to think about the way that they view self-harm and the way that they communicate with people who are either currently engaging or have engaged in the past. And so it was, it was incredibly healing to just have that conversation and put that out there. And then, I mean, quite honestly, there's a lot to list as far as the things that I've been through. Just, I mean, another thing I haven't really talked about is some sexual abuse that happened as an infant, a preteen, and a young adult. And so, you know, statistically though, that's, I mean, that's something that a lot more people have gone through than we'd like to admit. And I just, you know, it's taken me this long to be able to get comfortable enough to say I've been through it and and how I've gotten through it. So I think the, the other thing is, is a lot of really damaging coping mechanisms in how to deal with things and, um, and how harmful they can be. But, uh, yeah.

Well, we commend you greatly for starters writing a book about healing and traumas because it's not easy. And one of the hardest things when you're doing stuff like that is, is you're reliving certain aspects of your life that was painful. So you're bringing pain, in essence, back to the present, but you're doing it for the bigger picture, which is helping other women, which is your why, your passion, your purpose. And we love you for that. And then again, thank you so much so far for talking about what you have and telling our listeners about that. Hey, if you had these types of, um, incidences in your life, it's not something to— that you need to continue to keep with you throughout. Like, there are ways, there are people like Jamie out there that are there to help you, to help you grow from these incidences that you had to endure at sometimes, like you mentioned, at such a young age where it's, it's not easy. So thank you again for, um, stating that, and thank you for what you do and taking that on as a coach, as a woman, to help other women to also grow. Like, that's very commendable, and that's very, uh, we just love that about you.

Thank you. Thanks for that.

Yeah, no, she— you're not— you're not only a strong individual, you've— you, you're a resilient individual for all that you've got, all that you've gone through, and for all that you've built up now to, in essence, resurface that to be able to help coach your other women that have gone through the same things or are going through something with your traumas and resurfacing that. You're— you built up your resilience to be able to tap into that where you're still like, no, where I'm past this, but now I can help you. And I love that because that's hard, that's heavy on the heart. I could see that.

Yeah, it's fresh. It's, it's fresh and it makes, it makes it real again because I've detaching from it is a lot easier. And, and that's how I've spent most of my life is, is very detached and separated from it and very compartmentalized. And the problem with that is my relationships took a hit because I was never able to fully, fully be there with, with someone because I too was also very much, you know, walking every day and Um, it was just extremely limiting in, in how I was able to show up and just engage with people. And after getting married, after having kids, like it just, it was obvious that one, I wanted more for myself. And so I, that was where I really started putting in the work, but two, that I was meant for more. I was, I was, I was made for more. Yeah.

So what's, what's one of the biggest coping mechanisms or one of your favorite that you've kind of started to utilize in the past couple of years that have really gotten you away from certain aspects of, um, what you've gone through? What's a really good coping mechanism that our listeners, uh, should hear about?

So I, I, one, I really like the fact that you said coping mechanism in a positive way because Um, most of the time, like you think it's, you think negative. Uh, but one, one of the most impactful coping strategies that I was given, um, was through, uh, a DBT course that I, I took years and years ago. Um, and it's a dialectical behavioral therapy group that, uh, it just teaches you how to basically just live life. Um, like a normal person, but it's— they, they were explaining just the way the brain works and being able to get back into your body. And after trauma, that's— that, I don't want to say is severed, but it's, it's pretty dysregulated, to say the least.

Yes.

And one of the things they said was to— when you're— when your body is flooded, and you're in the fight or flight state, and you're you're in panic, to grab an ice cube, to hold an ice cube in your hand, and, and let it melt. And what that does is it helps, it helps bring you back into your body in a forceful way that's not causing, you know, it's, you're not harming yourself.

Yes.

But you're being brought back into your body because of the coldness. And, and it's also melting. And so it helped, it helped me connect my mental state with the state of my body to be able to get back in, to get regulated. And then, and then I also— they, they introduced the idea of biting into a lemon for the same thing of that tart, really intense flavor that's really uncomfortable and you're kind of squirmish, but to then bite into a lemon and it just snaps you back into your body. Like we're learning in, in the certification program, the, you know, when you're able to get in touch and move yourself on the physiological side, it's the fastest way to change your state, change your mental state. The other two are language, and the second is what you choose to focus on. And those two are extremely important as well. Otherwise, your state's not going to change. But the most intense— the most intense way is to to kind of jolt your physical body, um, and, and do it in a way like an ice cube or a lemon slice.

I love the way that you described that. Yeah, I've never heard anybody else describe it in that way. And I think the, the lemon, it got me thinking, because I'm like, you know, because of how sour and how tart it is, you're like, okay, I'm back to reality now. I can get out of this funk. Moving on. Yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

And to your point, by you changing the language you then are able to change your focus and, and be like, okay, am I really in a state of fight or flight? Do I really need to run for my life? No, I'm just having a panic attack. Or I'm, you know, being able to reevaluate the situation.

Yeah. Yeah. And then making that quicker shift then, okay, what the heck do I do to get out of this? You're about quickly, like evaluating what's going on within yourself and how you need to get out of that funk that you're in or whatever feels uncomfortable so you can get to a more stabilized state.

Yeah, exactly.

And then one of the biggest things you mentioned was move. And if anybody's following you or B, you guys have been doing a lot of movement and moving a lot, working out and doing this and that. And we love to see, like, it's awesome. What has that transition or what has that transformed for your life? The two of you guys working out so much?

It's, it's been a much more transformative experience it's been much more than I, I thought faster. Like we, we just hit the halfway mark and Bernard and I have, have never been on the same page with our fitness journey. It's always been kind of this push-pull experience. Like I'm, I'm really into it. He's not. And then he's really into it and I'm all about, you know, the snacks and, and so, so it's been really cool seeing us both like come in in sync with each other and really be aligned and do this together. And we're watching our bodies transform. Like, I'm seeing muscles in his— Yeah, they didn't— they were never— they've never been there, like, or they were there the whole time, but I've never seen them. Like, it's, it's, um, and, and vice versa. Like, I— my body's changing. And what's been really great is to see the transformation start internally for me, like I— because I've been healthy, I've been fit before. I've also been fat. But I, I'm noticing what it looks like to have the benefits of discipline in my everyday life because I don't feel like going to the gym like 4 to 5 days out of the week. No, but I'm going. And, and it's made me realize how much of my life I've lived and based my decisions on, on how I feel and, and how, because I'm doing that, how much I've missed out on. Like, I've missed out on, on even, even for this transformation, 8 weeks transformation, like, I've missed out on amazing biceps years ago because I didn't make myself go to the gym when I didn't feel like it. I was like, no, I've worked so hard, you know, I just had a kid, I deserve the cake. And the ice cream and the waffle and the bagel. And, and it's like, well, yeah, you're going to miss out on having the biceps. And so it's, it's been, I could talk, I could talk all day about it. It's been awesome. Transformative.

Well, let's, let's double down on that. You said something that Bree and I talk about all the time, and I don't feel like it's talked about enough, is the difference between discipline and motivation. Like so many people are like, oh, I'll start when I'm motivated, or I'll start this, or once I'm motivated, things are gonna happen, but it's not going to happen. How has that been a huge transition for you with this working out of utilizing more discipline versus motivation?

I think one of the things that clicked, it was a light bulb moment for sure, uh, was when I saw the meme of the, of the runner, cuz I, I, I was a runner. I, I stopped cuz of my neck, but when the consistent person is running, they, they win every time. And, and then you see the person who's like sprinting and then they stop and then they sprint and then they stop. And for some reason at that moment in time, the, it hit like the light, the light went on and I was like, no wonder I'm like running in circles. Because I'm, I'm running solely based on how I feel. So my decisions are based on, well, again, if I got a good night's sleep, then I'll go running. If the kids didn't wake me up in the middle of the night, then I'll go running. And those are realistic factors, especially for women and moms. So you have to find a level of grace for it. But at the same time, you have to adjust your expectations too, because Um, you're gonna, you're not gonna get the same results. And so going back to what you said about, uh, the, the motivation piece, it's made me really look at what I'm motivated by and, and what, what that entails. Because if I'm waiting for motivation for me to start, I'm probably going to die. I'm going to die waiting for the motivation.

Because the motivation will never come if you keep waiting for it.

Right.

And just, it's, it's, I mean, my life will pass me by. And I think that was where the, the, the light bulb moment was, was I don't want to wake up and my kids be 20, 30 years old and be like, ah, crap, I never got around to that goal. Like, ah, shucks guys, sorry.

Yeah.

And, and, but even more looking myself in the mirror and say, you know, Jamie, you never got to it. And now, you know, now you're not able to run or now you're not able to do the thing because the time has passed. And that's the final percent has really helped me get a grasp on my, the way that I've looked at time and the way that I've, I've measured time because it's, it's not necessarily something that we need to be afraid of., but it's, it's just happening. And so either, either it's going to happen and you are growing or it's happening and you're standing still. And there's a, there's a season for growing. There's a season for stillness, but you have to be able to authentically look in yourself, look yourself in the mirror and have an authentic conversation. Is this that season or am I being lazy?

Yeah.

It's, it's being that, uh, cold, hard, honest with yourself. You don't want to sugarcoat it, but cold, hard, honest with yourself. Like, hey, I've been slacking, it's time to step it up. Stop babying yourself. Yes, you've been giving yourself grace, but now you're taking advantage of that grace. It's time to step it up and be real.

Yeah, and I firmly believe that people know Like, you, when you look at yourself and you square off in the mirror and nobody else is there, it's not for show, it's not about ego, it's not about showing off, you know, the camera's not on, um, but you're having a full-on conversation with yourself, you know.

Yeah, I love that you mentioned, uh, your kids as well, like if they're 20 or 30, because one of the things that kids are always doing, as we know, is they're always watching us. They're seeing what we're doing, they're seeing what we're not doing, and by you having that strong discipline mindset that you and B have. Like, it's doing a huge transformation for them and not just for you guys. Like, it's— it comes full circle right there. So in 20, 30 years, they're going— you're— the kids are going to be chasing their dreams. They are going to be working out. They are going to be doing certain things because they're watching you and B, and they're emulating you guys. So I love how you brought them into play because it's the same thing that we do. Every single thing that we're doing Does this have a result or an action that's going to happen for our kids as well? Because we're building that legacy.

Yep. And they're watching. I mean, they, they have a front row seat to our life. And it's— Raya asked me the other day, she— we're on the way to school and she's like, Mom, why is Dad so happy? She's like, why is Dad so happy? And I was like, wow.

Um, that's deep, sis.

And I, I had to tell her, I was like, honey, he chooses to be happy every day.

That is so good.

He chooses to be happy.

It's true. Unfortunately, you mentioned that at the beginning of our call, is it's as simple as that. Yeah, it's not something that's this huge scientific thing that we have to figure out. No, it's as simple as that. You have the right to choose how you want to live your life. You can live it sad, you can live it happy, you can live it angry, you can live it excited. You have that choice and your actions will dictate how that happens.

Yep. 100%. And that's, that was where I really understood when I look back on my life, it's, it's the actions that I took or the actions I chose not to take that I have to answer for. And I have to answer as to what the outcome was, not, not like, oh, well, you know, that day I was having a really hard day. So I didn't like, none of that counts. And as, as much and as important and as feelings-based as I am, like, I'm all about the feels. Mm-hmm. But, and I think as moms, like, we, it's, there's a, there again, there's a time and a place, but I'm realizing when I look back, that's not gonna be on the audit sheet. That's not gonna be what I'm me— like, what, what I'm wanting to measure my life by is, oh, well, I didn't feel like, you know, really working on my marriage. And so therefore I don't have one. Or I, I don't, I didn't feel like eating healthy, so now I have something that is, you know, terminal, you know, do you know what I mean? Like, and again, I, I know that's a very vague statement, so hopefully your listeners understand what I'm trying to say.

No, it, it, it 100% makes sense. And then for the end of all of our calls, we like to leave our listeners with 3 golden nuggets that you think that they should hear and know about life and what they could possibly be going through right now?

Uh, I'd say the first one is you're not alone. And, uh, whatever, whatever you're facing and dealing with, you're not alone. And if you don't have somebody to talk to about it, reach out to me, reach out to Bree and Anthony. If you're in California, go to their mastermind, jump on one of their calls. Um, there are people that you can reach out to because you are not alone. The stuff that people are walking around with on a daily basis is, is heavy. And, and having people to link arms with is everything. So I would say that's, that's the first and foremost is you're not alone. Uh, the second is it's not as hard as you think it is. The work, the work is worth it. It is hard. So buckle up and get ready, because It's fricking hard, but it's not as hard as you're probably telling yourself it is and making it out to be. And ask yourself, if you're not wanting to do the work and if it is too hard, is staying the same worth the cost of putting in the work to actually change?

Yeah.

Right in the heart. And then the third one, I just— one of the things that I'm really starting to embrace is, is having fun and seeing myself laugh again. I had, I had somebody tell me, uh, I've never seen you smile this much. And that, that hit me. And I want to be known for smiling. I want to be known for glowing and radiating positivity and not negativity and not, um, not a complaining, uh, entitlement attitude. I want to be known and I want my kids to remember me smiling. I want my daughter to ask people, why is Mom so happy? You know, I love that. And that, that just made my day that that's, that's how she sees her dad. What a, what a gift that is.

That's so cool. Yeah, that's awesome.

Ah, love all of those.

Those, those were great. And again, one thing that we love about those is it's not the same thing every single time, and you're always getting 3 different golden nuggets that are going to help you with your life or whatever you could be going through at the time. And we just want to thank you for listening. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for being on. Uh, follow her on Instagram, follow everything that she's doing. If you, like you mentioned, if you have any questions, concerns, if you're struggling, reach out to her. She'd love to help you out. Same thing with us. Um, if you have any questions and/or concerns about upcoming episodes, you want to hear more about certain topics, definitely reach out to us. All of our Instagram links will be in the comments and/or DMs. So Thanks again for listening to the Infinite Gold Podcast. We'll see you guys on the next one. Later.