The Realities of Motherhood: A Candid Conversation With Bre

All right, all right, all right. Welcome back everybody to the Infinite Gold Podcast. This is Bree, your show host, flying solo today. With Mother's Day around the corner, I figured I would talk about some mom stuff. You know, I'm in that season of life. I've got 2 toddlers, Jackson, who's 3 and a half, and Laney, who's a year and a half, and they are wild, man. There's some days I feel like they just take me for a freaking ride and I'm just here trying to hold on for dear life. But, um, today was definitely one of those days, to say the least. 3 is definitely a hard age. 3. Jackson's 3 and a half, and the kid's favorite word, I'm pretty sure, is no. And I'm just like, say no one more time, boy, you can get hot sauce in your mouth. You can get hot sauce in your mouth. Might be a little Tabasco. It's a little more mild than most hot sauces out there, but it's like the white man's hot sauce. And I know there's probably some people that are listening to this like, oh my gosh, just a bad mom. Be like, You think that's bad? You should have seen the way that my generation was, uh, disciplined. Shoot, I got the chunkle down the hallway. Sometimes if you were real bad, Nana would give you the belt, or she'd snap the belt and like threaten to smack you with it, but she never did. Uh, definitely had the spankings, the booty spanks. I'm gonna tell you what, I learned real fast, and I didn't get many of them growing up because I think I was a pretty dang good kid. Anyways, so today, seeing how I said it was a little rough, um, I think, you know, for one, to say that I was able to identify now that, you know, X, Y, and Z of my personal needs were not being met, so I wasn't able to show up as my best self as a mom. Um, you know, I really didn't have much to eat yet at the time this morning. I hadn't had my coffee yet, which usually now I've been delaying my coffee. I usually try to wait at least an hour after I've woken up, um, before I consume my coffee, because my coffee and caffeine in general spikes your cortisol levels, which turns up the heat on your emotions, if you will. And not good. Um, I think we dive into that in another one of our other episodes, uh, with caffeine and cortisol levels. Um, but yeah, I hadn't had my caffeine, I hadn't had my breakfast, I hadn't gotten a workout in, I hadn't had me time. So I was kind of, and, and I was exhausted. We were up really early. We were taking Anthony to the airport. He was getting ready to travel to go to the East Coast. Um, and so we came back home, like 5:30 AM, we went back to bed, but I woke up and, you know, the fact that we're all, me and the kids are battling these coughs, you know, we feel like trash and we're just kind of trying to recover from it and our body's just like, F you. Um, That really, really affected my mood this morning and, uh, let my nerves— and the way I handled some things this morning, I'm just like, wow, you've definitely seen better days. You've handled things a lot better, but give yourself some grace. You're not perfect. We weren't our best selves. We weren't— not all of our core needs were being met, so that, that might have been warranted, but You're not a bad mom. I had constantly remind myself, you're a good mom. You love your kids. This is a season of life. This won't last forever. Your kids are freaking cute. All the things, all those kinds of like affirmations that I had to remind myself. And so part of like my morning routine that where this kind of would have played a, uh, better part for me to think about this morning, if that makes sense. Um, It's normally I read, read a little bit in the morning and I'll journal. So this book that I'm reading, um, it's by Brianna Wiest called The Pivot Year. And originally I was probably on like day 26, 27, just to guess. Well, I slacked off, I got lazy, and I hadn't read for like 2 weeks. So, and you're supposed to read a page a day because it is 365 Days to Become the Person You Truly Want to Be. And so far, from the 20-something pages that I already read, I'm loving it. But today's page, day 4, was definitely meant for me. Um, so I'm gonna read that just to share. So moms listening, like, this is, this is a good one. I think this book is definitely a read for anybody, but this specific page, this specific entry I think moms really need to listen to this one because the way that it hit me this morning, or hit me today, was like a ton of bricks. So it goes, uh, self-protection is learning how to take a pause between what you feel and how you react. Where there is no awareness between what you perceive and the way that you respond, anything can control you. Practice patience. Practice patience. Practice the pause. Widen the space between what you sense and what you do about it. Decide what's worth your energy, because what you engage with is what you empower. I'm going to read that last line again because that one was also a really good one. The first line and the last line usually always seem to be the ones that hit the hardest for me. I don't know what it is, but there's some connection that I make in my brain, in my heart, my soul. Decide what's worth your energy because what you engage with is what you empower. Example: if you engage your energy into drama, that is what you are empowering. So don't engage in it. I'll leave it at that. But the first, the first line I think is what really hit me as soon as I started reading it. The self-protection, learning how to take a pause between what you feel and how you react. That I, I kind of felt that in the midst of me having like my meltdown today and It was when I, when I paused, I didn't really— I don't think I realized I was even doing this, but I think it's just something that I've been practicing when I go through these roller coaster of emotions with the kids. Whenever they're having a meltdown and I'm trying not to have a meltdown, because I'm learning that when I can take control of my emotions and I can take control of the situation and remain calm and be the calm space, I'm creating that calm space for the kids as well and teaching them how to maintain and/or gain control of their emotions. Because, you know, while they're still developing that frontal cortex and how they, you know, when they're having a meltdown, they're not— they can't see you, they can't hear you. They're like, not literally, but they can't understand or decipher what is happening, you know. And all they know is they feel like heightened emotions, and it's our job to make them feel safe and help bring them back to level ground. So for me today, like, when I was going through that, I immediately put my hands on my chest to feel my heart. I closed my eyes and I just took a couple of deep breaths and reminded myself of those positive affirmations of, I'm a good mom, this is just a phase, you're okay, you are safe, the kids are safe. Like all those things was running through my mind, and that allowed me to take control of the situation better than I would have. So without me even realizing that, I kind of did take the pause. It helped, and it was like a series of like emotions going on, but I, I stepped into that pause moment, uh, and I think I only wish I read this earlier before this meltdown, like, happened, so to speak, because then I think I would have handled it even better. But life happens. I just knew that I was like, holy F Batman, I needed to read this way earlier today than I would— then I— when I started, uh, reading this and when I woke up. Uh, something that I, I also wrote down in this entry based off of day 4, and it— I shared, um, I won't read the whole thing because it's long, but I'll give you, I'll give you a little glimpse of it. So when we take the pause in the middle of feeling frustration with our kids, I see it as the fork in the road that allows us to understand and/or investigate our feelings and helps us decide, will we blow up over this, or will we take a deep breath and remain calm? In this pause, I put my hand over my heart closed my eyes and breathed. This hasn't always been easy for me. It still is not. It's something that I work through every day. It's a constant work in progress. And you know what? I'm okay with that, as long as I know that I'm getting better every single day and that the next day I'm different than the person I was the day before. So it hasn't always been easy for me, but I'm in such a better place than I was a year ago. And again, even yesterday. One day at a time. That's been a statement that I have been seeing a lot in this season of motherhood, is one day at a time. And then sometimes when just the day can be too much, it has to be one thing at a time, one situation at a time, one breakfast at a time, one snack at a time, one playtime at a time, one diaper change at a time, one thing at a time. Giving ourselves grace can be one of the hardest things I feel like as a mom. I really had to learn to feel that, learn to harness it. And, you know, there's times where I feel like I've had to, uh, you know, I won't, I won't go silent about when I'm, when I'm struggling. I'll reach out to some of my other mom friends and be like, yo, today is, is not the day. Not today, Satan. So I reach out to them and, you know, basically they, they say like, If you're lacking grace today, let me give you some of mine. You can borrow some of mine and take the grace. So I do just that. And now I've learned when I can harness my grace and utilize that when I absolutely need it, or when another mom friend needs it, I'm here. If there's any moms on here listening and you need some grace, DM me on Instagram @breegoldner. Grace. I'll know what you mean, and I'll give you some of mine. You're not alone. Mom and life ain't easy. We are for sure, without a doubt, doing God's work. He wouldn't give us this incredible gift if he didn't think we could handle it. That's something else I remind myself of. If God didn't think you were strong enough to do it, he wouldn't give it to you. There's days where you might be like, well, I think he's pulling a joke on me because this ain't funny, this is hard shit. But it's okay. There's days you're gonna go back and look at it and you're like, wow, that felt like a lot then and it seems so minuscule now. But we got through it. We're laughing about it now. You're like, holy shit. Like, the stories I can't wait to tell my kids' significant others when they grow up. Do you know this? This kid was a handful. Oh my gosh, the stories I'm gonna have. Uh, you know what, I can't— I'm not gonna say I can't wait because I don't want them to grow up any faster than they already are. I swear I blink and they look older every time they wake up in the morning. I love those two little crotch goblins so much. They are my favorite things. I, I'm so happy when I wake up in the morning and I have them by me and I have them with me. They are the lights of my life. And you know what, there's days even when I do get to have some mom time and I get to be away from them, I come back and it's like I was gone all day or for days on end, and I still freaking miss them. And then there's some other days where I come back, I'm like, shit, 1 hour was not enough, people. Sometimes it'd be like that, okay? You know what, it is what it is sometimes. But you know what, we, we put up on our big girl pants and we deal with it. We deal with it. Because again, it— when they're this little, it doesn't last long. I swear, I— again, I blink and, and they've grown overnight. Time flies, man. But you know, with, uh, Mother's Day approaching, one thing I will say, public service announcement to any dads listening: listen, we appreciate you, we love you. However— no, not however, that's weird, don't say that. You love them unconditionally. Uh, if they ask, or if you ask them what they want for Mother's Day, don't go plan their day for them. Don't go buying chocolates. And I mean, unless they want that, unless they want that. Like, babe, if you're listening, I still want flowers. I, you know, that is, that is a non-negotiable. Flowers for every special occasion, or no occasion at all if you just want to come up with— yeah. Anyways, what moms really want for Mother's Day, it could be a laundry list of things, laundry included. She does not want to do laundry on Mother's Day. She does not want to be wiping anybody's ass on Mother's Day. I get it, I get it, it's our duty, it's our job. But if she could have a day where she doesn't have to care for you or the kids, that's a solid gift right there. Let her have the day to herself. She needs that me time. She needs that time to go run off and have an iced coffee somewhere, maybe reading a book, maybe jamming out in her car and in like some parking lot somewhere just because she's alone and She's allowed to just sit there and be with her thoughts, listen to whatever. Let mom have mom time. Moms need that. We need more of that. And if we're not scheduling it regularly, that's when we can downward spiral. Like, I think that's what I felt today, if I'm being completely honest, because I have not been prioritizing my me time. Um, yes, I've been working out and doing that kind of thing, and I, I started, uh, lifting weights again this past week. So, you know, that's been great, but I still had the kids. I still had the kids, so my workout was a little drawn out. My workout was a little distracted. Was I having to say, no, stop that, don't do that? Yes, yes, a few times, but got it done. But it was not me time. So alone time, me time, alone time— she needs it. No questions asked. She needs it, okay? Unless she tells you otherwise, which I think, you know, there's some moms that don't be like, no, I'm fine, I'm good, I don't need my alone time, I don't need to be away from my kids. You're only lying to yourself. Go have some me time and come back, feel refreshed, and realize that that was important for you, for your own well-being, your own mental, your own emotional all the things as a person, as a mom. You need that time so you can be the best version of yourself for you and for your family and those around you. I promise it works, okay? Um, no excuses. Start scheduling that thing, all right? Dads, take the kids if you need to. Take the kids and run off with them and let her have the house to herself if she wants to stay home, because I know there's some moms out there that are just like No, I like being at home. I don't want to leave. I just want some peace and quiet and maybe a hot— my coffee to be hot when I drink it and not it be cold with, you know, cars and toys or whatever ends up in my cup. Let her have the house then. Take the kids, run away, or send her off. Okay, that's just a tip. Anyways, since, um, again, we're approaching Mother's Day, I want to wish all the moms out there a very happy Mother's Day. You're loved, you're strong, you're resilient, you deserve an amazing day, you deserve to have me time, and you're a badass. That's, that's, that's the other thing that I like to tell myself, and, and I think every mom should tell herself that too. I'm a badass. Make that one of your affirmations. Write that down or remember it and say it to yourself every day when you wake up. Every time when you feel like shit's getting hard and you're like, okay, I need to, I need to boost my mood right now, I need a boost of morale, give yourself some grace and tell yourself you're a badass because you are. When you say it, you think it, you believe it, your actions will reflect that. And see, mom brain now just kicks in. Bottom line, say it, you'll feel better. Believe it, okay? Say it and believe it, because you are, and then you'll know it to be true. All right, I think that's all I got for you guys today. I'm gonna jump back on another time, share some more gold nuggets with you. Toodles!