Clinicians discuss how accepting awareness, a mindful and compassionate stance, helps clients with narcissistic traits. Therapists must first check their own tone and acceptance before reflecting behavior back. Some clients may never become aware despite gentle reflections, and that's something therapists must accept.
If one of us was seeing a client that was a bit more on the kind of narcissistic side and didn't really ever see a problem with their. Their mood or where they were at, they felt like they just kind of loved everything about themselves. And then you get this accepting awareness. What would be needed? Because it seems like it could help them buy into their delusions more.
I think the key part would be the awareness part, because you then would be reflecting back to them some of the awareness of the impact they have on others that they are not seeing. So you will have already had the information of, gee, when you come in your gruff mood or your detached mood or your entitled mood, you could reflect that back to them to help their awareness grow. Because accepting awareness doesn't mean accepting fantasy.
Right? That's a good point. I get it.
What if the person genuinely doesn't have the awareness to see the truth of what's going on? Like if their tone of voice, they genuinely think they're in a calm place, but they're really being aggressive, but their tone of voice is very calm, but they don't see it. They just don't have the awareness. What do you do then?
You mean like virtually everyone?
Yeah, but I feel like most people are aggressive and they're just not aware. They're aggressive, but you can hear their tone of voice go up. But there's the rare person who just can keep a very flat, like, you know, I'm not angry right now. I'm really okay. But you, you can feel the intensity and the tension of their anger, but they're really not aware of it.
Right.
How do you work with that?
I think that is the normal situation. I think that's more common than not. That's why I'm making the joke. So I think your question is incredibly important. The first key is when that person we're interacting with is coming forward with our belief, we need to look at our own tone of voice. And are we really in the frequency of kindness and acceptance and the right mixture to be able to give them the best chance to see it? We first need to see, are we rejecting their lack of awareness and. Or even their dishonesty? So once we do an inner check of our own tone of voice, which is huge, which we need to remember, we can only approach that when we're deeply and dearly in a state of acceptance and kind awareness, because that place is unapproachable in them unless they feel cared for. So then if we get past that, then we want to be Able to ask a question. Gee, it seems to me like you might be a little bit irritated, but it seems like you're telling me that you feel like you're calm and you're fine. What do you think? And then they say, no, I don't think I'm irritated, I think I'm fine.
I think.
You'Re imagining that. So then what you reflect back to the person is, I'd like to ask you to consider the possibility that maybe there might be more gruffness or withdrawal or whatever you see in them than what you think. And by the way, the reason why I'm saying this is not only because I'm experiencing it now, but it's the feedback that you've given that your ex relationship was in and it happened with your friends and it happened here and there. And I just want you to consider that. So you give them all the information that's possible and it's delivered in such a even awareness that it has the best chance of sort of somehow resonating in their heart. The key thing is not having to have them get it and being able to leave it at. I'd like you to consider this. Here's how it seems right now and here's how it seems like it's been in the past. And I'm leaving the awareness up to you because I know I can't force it. And so the two key things are, did I get past my own awareness and acceptance check. And can I deliver it in a way that even when they don't get it, that I can just feel like, ah, the truth was spoken as best I can see it, with an acceptance of the fact that they're not going to get it or they're not getting it right now. And that's the hardest thing for us to do as counselors, for sure.
Yeah, well, as anyone. I mean, it's hard with friends and.
Loved ones and ourselves.
And ourselves. Yeah.
You're saying. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Because we are easily and often internalized by our clients. It seems like we need to really work to be accepting and aware of where we are in each session. Almost like a few minutes before the session, like we check in with ourselves and kind of go through our own process so that we can be able to help a client do that. Because if we're not really pretty close to on the ball, we're gonna miss them too.
Exactly.
So it seems like you really need to do the self work to be able to help.
Exactly. The healing agent is the accepting awareness and having that tone be There, that's the healing agent. And whether they get it or not, you know you've done what you can do when you've been in that state.
So really it's kind of about being able to open up the door for them to consider. And you may need to do that several times, but it'll start to get them thinking and curious and hopefully walk through that door.
I think that's a very optimistic assessment, I would say. My experience is you may need to do it a thousand times and they may never get it. And when you get that, then there's a much better chance they'll get it earlier.
Yeah, I get it.
It's accepting the fact that they may never be aware. It's accepting the fact they may never accept. And the fact that you're in a state of accepting awareness is really healing and really beneficial. And you walk away from a session, you walk away from an interaction between the two of you feeling cleansed, feeling like, I know there's no way I could have done anything more. And when you walk away from any interaction where you feel incomplete, it's almost invariably because you weren't in an awareness of where you were and an acceptance of where you were. And so just going back into the inquiry of where was I really? And can I accept that?
It seems like a lot of mindfulness.
It's a lot of mindfulness, yeah. When we get the paradox that awareness and acceptance of wherever we are is the ultimate improvement, trying to improve ourselves is endless hell. And so to come back to the moment and say, where am I actually? And the one that's asking the question is truly the acceptor. And that we get to accept and embrace ourselves wherever we are. And just the awareness and the honesty and the integrity of that with the acceptance renders us into a healing state. And it's never at any moment for the rest of our life any different, it's almost invariably self rejection and unawareness that creates suffering. And so we can maybe experience the joy now of, or the peace of, or the prayer that I want to be able to move into an awareness of where I am in the moment, in all the subtleties and in acceptance now and forever.
