A practice for asking loved ones before you express anger or aggression. The speaker outlines three things you need first: awareness of your aggression, the ability to contain it, and understanding what you actually need. Asking permission builds intimacy and respect.
So there are many developmental levels of being able to understand and deal with our aggression. And one of the ones we're going to explore now is asking for permission with those that we love before we feel any sense of entitlement to express a form of that aggression. Now, this might sound simple, but in my life experience, personally and professionally, it's really one of the hardest things to do. And the reason why it's so hard is. Is because it requires us to have developed in so many other ways in relationship to our aggression. First, we have to be aware of our aggression in somewhat of a stable way, which requires enormous dedication. Second, we have to not only be aware of our aggression, but we have to have the ability to contain it and not just simply be impulsive. And third, which isn't really required, but it's very helpful. We need to have an understanding that when we're aggressive, it means that there are some needs we have inside ourselves that are not fulfilled. And that it isn't primarily to do with the outside circumstances or person that is creating our aggression. Now, when all of these pre conditions or all of these stages of development are really in place, we then have a chance to be mature enough to ask the persons that are closest to us, are you really in a place where you can handle me expressing my frustration or my impatience, my anger? And might you even look for the good in me? Might you even look for what it is that I need underneath? Might you be able to sense my goodwill when I express my aggression? Because that's really the point of it. So the question, as we're looking at it right now, is can you, the listener, can I, inside me, have a deep enough understanding from my life experience? Can you, from your life experience, that this asking for permission to those that we're closest to is a true key to developing intimacy? It's a sign of respect. It's a recognition through our prior life experience that when we don't ask for permission that things just don't work out very well. Just take a couple minutes, Scan the situations in your life where you have let your form of aggression sneak out or maybe even overtly come out. And how did it work out? Did it actually create an intimacy? Did the person that was close to you respond well? And I think you'll see that as we look at, almost invariably creates more of a power struggle. Sometimes a power struggle happens right away. Sometimes it's delayed. So let's just take a minute more and ask yourself, do I have a deep enough insight that this asking for permission to those that I love most is something that I want to dedicate my life to. Am I ready to have this be a part of my spiritual practice, my character development? Have I enough awareness of my own aggression? Have I dedicated myself enough to be able to contain the aggression? Do I have an understanding that this is the way I can get to the pearls and the gold underneath, the aggression, the core needs that exist underneath, to where I have the incentive? If the answer is starting to become a yes, let yourself give some reminders, some prayers that are something like, may I remember to ask you who I care about for permission before I express the more challenged, aggressive sides of me? I want to remember to ask for permission before I go ahead and just express where I am. And as we're exploring this further, don't be discouraged if you're only 2% there or 3% there, because that's a very high level of development, because most of us haven't even really entered on the path of being this considerate. So I ask you to join me in the great effort to counteract all of our conditioning and being that kind of caring, considerate individual where we recognize that we don't have the entitlement to just own somebody else's emotional atmosphere. We need to recognize ourselves as individuals who are truly entering into another terrain, and that this asking for permission is like creating a bridge from our hearts to their hearts.
