Two speakers explain why you should ask permission before expressing intense anger to your partner. If they say no, journal it out or scream at the beach instead. Beneath anger is always a jewel: an unmet want like trust or kindness that's worth finding.
I've been married 20 years, as we know. There are times when I get my buttons pressed. I'm pissed. And I know. I know part of me can go off, even in a controlled way, and I can really, really get angry. And even now I can feel. I can go into it, and I can start shaking angry. And I can scare Susan with that anger. And sometimes when I do that, I find I don't want to scare you, but I'm scary. I am scary. It's not effective, but it's really a part of me. When is it effective? When isn't it effective to go into those strong emotions?
Well, it's never effective to do it outwardly unless Susan or whoever you want to do it with is absolutely ready, gives you permission, and says, not only am I ready to listen to you, but I'm ready to listen for what it is that you really need and want. Why you're pissed because you're angry at something, because you want something. And so we've got to get to that. So if you're going to do it with anybody on the outside, you've got to enlist them as your supporter. You have to. Then on the inside, you can do the same thing, which is be really angry. Really value that. You have the juice and the vitality to still be angry. And that's a wonderful energy. And then while you're doing it, get furious. And then keep asking yourself in the background, what is it that I really want? What is it that I really need? What is it that could make me happy? What is it that could make me at peace? What is it that could fulfill me? The emotion will then guide you to some core, essential place of what you want. If you're really pissed because you really wanted more trust of you, or you really wanted more kindness, you wanted more appreciation, then you get back to that place and you attempt through the deep experiencing of your own anger and the inquiry of what is it that I really want? You get back to that golden nugget of this is what I want. This is what would really allow me to feel good. Because underneath every anger is a jewel of something that you dearly want. And when you can go all the way into the depth of the anger and get to the jewel and start to access that place, then you're coming closer to your own essential core. And then you have a chance to be able to communicate within yourself, towards yourself, and you have a much better chance to then interact with a significant other that you want to talk to.
What if I'm angry? As you suggest. And I go to ask permission while I'm angry, and I get a no, I don't want to talk to you right now. I'm more furious and I'm on my own. How am I finding these golden nuggets?
It's not a McDonald's, so that's fantastic. So now you're going to be even more angry. So you get to go into your own internal practice that you need to develop, which is most of the time I'm really angry, I'm going to need to learn how to really express the anger, experience the anger inside myself and be as outrageous and as vile as possible while not acting it out in the outer world. But you can scream at the beach, you can write in a journal, you can scribble on a newspaper or a paper and really let yourself be raw and allow that inquiry. Now, what most of us don't know how to do is to really ask the questions while we're really angry, because we're committed to making the other person responsible for our anger. But the real truth is we're wanting something. And that's where that goal comes from, is getting to that original want. That is a pure want that gets contaminated by blaming somebody else for not giving it to us. And if we stay just angry, we're going to sabotage the possibility of getting to what it is that we want. So we need to go into it, get in touch with what it is we really want, and then be able to wait until the other might be able to listen to us. If they're never able to listen to us ever, then we still need to go back to our internal practice and be more dedicated to discover what our own wants and needs are and be able to find a place that has more peace, that has more ease, relaxation, innocence. And then we might be able to communicate even from one of those places where we can say, you know, I was able to get through my anger. And what I really wanted to ask you for was to trust me. Or what I really wanted to ask you for was to be more gentle with me or to listen to me. I really wanted to ask you to listen to me as carefully as possible because it hurts me and then I immediately get angry and I've just worked it out to get back to what I want. So I want to ask you if that's possible. Now, let's say they stiff you again. They're. You still get a no. Well, I would have if something, then you're angry again, and then you need to go back into the process again. But the key thing is we need to go deeply into that defensive part of ourselves that's angry, appreciate the juice of it, and keep going back to that inquiry of what is it that down deep I really want, and get closer and closer to the more innocent, trusting, peaceful part of our nature. That's the deepest work, and that's really the highest level of development. Because most people really don't ever get beyond just blaming the outer world.
