Conversation emphasizing the importance of asking permission before sharing feelings, observations, advice, or questions in sensitive personal relationships. Robert Strock explains that even well-intentioned expressions can feel invasive and describes how his partner Shelley requested he ask permission before offering perceptions, prompting reflection and behavioral change.
Robert, you talked earlier about. You're really working on asking permission before you move in on somebody in terms of some personal issue. I would imagine that's been very important in your relationship building, particularly with Shelley. Just share a little bit about how you've been dealing with that with her and other people. The permission.
You're absolutely right. Asking for permission is one of the mainstays in cultivating any kind of a sensitive relationship between ourselves and anybody. And for many years, it's been a tenet of what I've tried to do with couples in particular, but also with friends. Because in psychology, as it's often taught, there's a sense of entitlement, that it's okay for me to just express my feelings because that's all I'm doing. And it seemed to be innocent enough. But my experience is nobody's prepared to have somebody get angry spontaneously. Nobody's prepared to have somebody be frustrated or impatient with them spontaneously. It's hard enough, even if they ask for permission to be able to handle that. So for many years, that's been something I've worked with, with relationship. However, what I wasn't prepared for is that Shelly asked me to actually consider. Before you actually share your views or your perceptions of me or what might even at times, feel like assessments of me, do you mind asking for permission?
Because she might not want to hear it right now. Can we talk about that in the morning?
Could we talk about that later, when I'm really prepared? And do you realize that actually even you sharing perceptions can feel invasive now? I was really thrown into a state of humbled silence and some embarrassment, too, because I had sort of prided myself on emphasizing the importance of asking for permission. But it had never dawned on me, really had never dawned on me that before I was just an ordinary conversation saying something like, gee, you know, you might want to not be quite so strict with your son, Stew, that she has to be in a position of receptivity before I feel this entitlement. So it has been a really wonderful state of contemplation to consider that not only when you emotionally express, which, frankly, for most people, I think would be a huge gargantuan step, especially for people who have had a lot of work in psychology. But for me personally, it's been very humbling to see the amount of times I'm able to do it and then the times I'm not able to do it. And fortunately, I'm getting some good, loving feedback. So it might be a little wave or it might be just A little bit of acknowledgement.
Maybe you're growing in that area. I was interested that I could see very easily that you should ask permission before you share your advice or anything, but I hadn't thought of it when you said you have to. Also. Now you're learning asking permission to ask questions about an area, because just by the questions, you can really. And I hadn't thought about that, but that's a good one to think about asking permission. That area too.
Yeah, I'm really glad you're noticing that, because I think I can be deadly almost at times. Not intentionally, but by just saying. I can look at somebody as saying, how are you really feeling now? And that's like, whoa, could you say that a little slower? Or you might be asking about a very personal area where they might not be ready at all to go into that.
So if somebody was acting a little emotional and it was disruptive to the dialogue with their spouse, or how would you ask permission to that? Would you say, could I have permission to share with you my observation about what's going on right now with that?
That would be just perfect. That would be so perfect. And the other feature that goes along with that is there's a lot of ways of asking for permission. So for example, we can ask for permission and say, can I have your permission? You can do it in a demanding way, or you can really do it in a more kind way. There's nothing more, let's say, inviting than really asking somebody with respect, do I have your permission to say something to you about the way you're approaching me right now? There's something so loving and so caring about that.
