A first-person reflective monologue about caring for a longtime friend who experienced a decade-long health decline after failed spinal surgery and brain bleeds. The speaker describes choosing 'loving silence'—accepting nonverbal connection (eye contact, presence, 'vibe') instead of pressuring speech—as a compassionate communication strategy during decline and end-of-life, urging readers to 'stay with what is possible' from the heart.
A friend of mine has been declining in health for the last 10 years because of a failed spinal surgery and a series of blood bleeds in his brain. He has been a dear, dear friend for 50 years. As he has been bedridden for the last year, he's been given care by his wife, incredible care, and a team of dedicated caregivers. He's been having difficulty, great difficulty articulating words for the last period of time, with increasing decline. We identified together that he feels helpless, hopeless and inadequate, especially because he can't walk and really dominantly because he can't talk. We ask the question together from our hearts, what's possible in terms of communication that will support him? The answer was swift, absolutely no pressure to speak, and appreciating immensely how he has and can continue to spread his love through silence, through eye contact and just his vibe. I told him that I wanted him to assume that even on the phone, all I wanted was his loving silence and he started to cry in relief. During this last year, we smile every time I reiterate that same message to him in some way or another. And more importantly, he was released from the hopeless pressure to find the right words. Our last year has been filled with loving silence in a few words here and there, and an affection and deep trust in this way of loving, almost totally in silence. Last week he died in peace and was truly enhanced by him following his wisdom and staying with what was possible instead of trying to do the impossible, which was to speak. This was a key for him and for all of us. Can you identify places in your life, either past, present or anticipated future, where you can support staying with what is possible from your heart and wisdom as you face decline? This is a blessed message for all of us as staying with the possible is where our heart and wisdom lies and attempting the impossible leads us into endless suffering. We all need to ask these types of questions as we age, and I hope that you do.
