A man breaks his pattern of withdrawing when upset and instead asks his partner Susan for attention and to be seen. He's only done this a fraction of 1% of the time, finds it hard to sustain, but was surprised by how responsive she was. The shift shows how vulnerability lets both partners actually give and receive.
So you told me earlier that you had a breakthrough with Susan and that you were able to reveal a more vulnerable side of yourself than you normally do. Rather than just getting frustrated or angry, you're able to go underneath. And I'd love to hear more detail about it.
The typical thing for us is I will withdraw and I will view her or needs that she has as presented to me in a way that is not has a tone to it or has something where I can defend myself against it. And that it will be mostly her emotional life that will be the focus and the content of it can be a variety of things. But the key to it is that it's really focused on her. And what happened was really atypical the other day. What it was was instead of getting frustrated or withdrawing kind of in a passive way, just withdrawing. Not even necessarily that she'd have to pay close attention to notice. I was able to express that I'm needing her to look at me, that I'm hurting here, that I have.
A.
Part of me that really wants her to pay attention to whatever it may be in there. Maybe I. As I did in that case, I didn't have much to say. I just wanted to turn the attention on me. It's really, really tough for me in a number of ways. It almost doesn't even feel like me. And I say that in the emotional sense. I don't relate to that part of me as me. Because I've lived my life for 60 years in a different way, in a way that is used to the other where I'm looking out. And so it's very difficult to feel it genuinely and to not only feel it, but to be patient with myself long enough to let it stick for even a few minutes, let alone an hour or two really hard.
And how did she respond?
Shocked. I was shocked. She was surprised. I think shock wouldn't be the right word for her. But the result was shocking for me that she was responsive. And it's now happened a couple of times. It was a dropping of the issue. I mean, all of a sudden there was a certain relief I sensed in her that she could focus on me. And that there was a place in me that needed her, which is so much what's missing that I don't let that part of me expose to be seen. So that there's no place for me to need and there's no place for her to give. And it creates insecurity in her. She gets so afraid that I don't need her, when in fact I do. And in fact I don't show it. And in fact it's critical for our relationship for me to find a way to allow that more and to give it its voice and to give her the opportunity.
And what percentage of you expressing that level of need throughout the years of your marriage, what percentage of time do you think you've expressed the level of need that you have to be focused more on what your heart wants in the moment?
I don't have a percentage that small. It would be a fraction of 1%. It wouldn't even be on the. If you saw a scale, it wouldn't register on the scale.
So I don't know if you noticed, your tone became softer. It became a bit self conscious. Young, awkward. Awkward. And something very beautiful and radiant starts to happen when you even hint at I really need her. I really need her to pay more attention to my inner experience and start to be able to find words for it and feelings for it. I need time just to drop into my experience to develop the language on.
Many levels for that space in me, which it's new territory, it's foreign territory.
And it's such a breakthrough in being able to be another level in love. And it's such a paradox because you ordinarily would see the more outward focused giving you in trying to respond to her as being a part of your generosity. But the generosity involved both towards yourself and trusting her capacity is so enormous that it represents the key transformation of your life in relationship. The key. And for so many people who are in imbalanced relationships, which is about 90 some odd percent of people where there's one person that's the open one and the other one is the one that attends to the open one. This is so important to be able to honor this place you're talking about that doesn't feel like you, but it's a much more essential you than your ordinary identity.
Yeah, I agree.
So when you started to say I really need her, you started to really come alive. And I honor that part of you and would do anything to give birth to it.
Thank you.
