Parents often lecture teens instead of inviting dialogue. Scan your own state first, use a conversational tone, show you're on their side, and balance gentleness with firm boundaries. Ask if they believe you rather than assuming they do.
When we're reacting with a teenager, most of us overlook our own internal state and we focus on the message that we're trying to give to our teen. The quality of our tone of voice, the way that we deliver it, is so crucial because when you're working with a teenager, especially your own, it's like heart surgery. So if you aren't in a sensitive mode and able to be aware of how you sound, you're not going to be able to help. You're going to need to be able to be clear, you're on their side and you're rooting for them in the way you speak. It's so important when you're dealing with your teen to recognize you've got to cover two ends of the spectrum. On the one hand, you've got to connect with their heart. You need to develop the capacity to be kind or gentle. But at the same time, you're not there to be run over. You are the parent. So you also need to set firm boundaries. So being able to focus on gentleness and firm boundaries is going to be a great centering for you before you approach. And while you approach, one of the key understandings when you're dealing with a teen is they already believe I'm as smart as you. You can't tell me what to do. So if you let them know that you recognize they're already almost a young man, so you're not going to lecture to them, and you're going to give them their due that they already are someone who's formed a lot of their own ideas. And you say to them something like, I'm not going to force this down your throat. I'm going to do my best to have a dialogue with you. You're showing me utter respect and giving the best chance to not get in an endless power struggle. One of the other really important things to do is to ask the teen, your son or daughter, if they really believe you. And by doing that, you're entering into a dialogue rather than a lecture. If you have a feel of a dialogue, you have so much better chance of reaching meaningful ground. And a lecture is almost doomed to fail when you're dealing with your child and especially teen. Tone of voice is perhaps the most neglected feature of importance of how to reach your teen's sensibility and heart. So you want to really do a scan. Am I coming from a place where I'm angry? Am I coming from a place that's caring not just in my mind, but actually listen to the music in your tone of voice. And if you can find a place that is demonstrating caring, you've just multiplied your chances of succeeding a hundredfold. In general, when you're dealing with your teen, you've got to first convince them that you're on their side. You're not just some superior person lecturing to them. And you're also wanting to solicit it in a way that that's a dialogue so they feel your mutual respect. And the way you do this is by really having a tone of voice that's conversational, that's not superior. And at the same time you do want to deal with real firm boundaries and ask them do they understand why there's a need for firm boundaries? And let's say they say no, then you need to talk it through and not again go down to lecturing them. Stay in a conversational tone, be aware of that tone and recognize that you're trying to have a certain kind of heart surgery in connecting with them. Sa.
