Confronting Impossible Standards with Friendly Mind | A Conversation on Awareness That Heals

It seems like we have these sneaky, sort of impossible standards when it comes to how we feel and wanting to feel a certain way. How can friendly mind help us with that? That's really one of the most important questions. Because almost always these standards that we have that we learn in childhood are so much more powerful than we realize. And it can waft throughout our day, in and out, and affect our mood. And most of us are really too embarrassed to even admit this to ourselves, that it's going on. So what we're going to do here is try to look at some of what these most common and possible standards are to fulfill, that we're still trying to please what we learned in childhood, even though they make no sense rationally, they're so hardwired in our body that they can own our feelings. And when friendly mind can see this, it can identify what the standard is. And it can really. And it does really focus on what's really possible now, because many of these standards are completely impossible. So, for example, we may have a standard that says, gee, you should be visiting your family more often and you feel guilty or you feel inadequate, or when you go to your family, you end up feeling miserable because they have no idea who you are. And so you feel empty and you feel disturbed. And those kinds of feelings that can be catalyzed by family need to be crisply understood so that you can relate to the part of you that feels inadequate or feels guilty. And then friendly mind comes in and says, I can see that you feel inadequate. This is kind of predictable. This is garden variety. This is normal. This is okay that you feel this way. Now how can you focus your attention so you can best take care of yourself while you have this feeling? Don't try to get over the feeling, it's okay that you feel this way. This is what friendly mind says, it's okay that you are where you are, but we're bigger than that. We also have the capacity to be this wise, friendly mind. And at these times when we unearth an impossible standard, friendly mind needs to be the source of guiding us. Another one could be, gee, you should be married by now, or you should have children. If that's your situation, then look inside and realize, oh, I feel inadequate. Oh, look, my friends, I'm going to their weddings or whatever that is, or maybe we're divorced and gee, maybe we should be in another relationship and I feel inadequate that I'm alone. Why am I alone? What are my problems? And this pressure to be a certain standard friendly mind comes in and says, what can you possibly do to support yourself? I see that you feel inadequate. You are really laying a trip on yourself, aren't you? I don't want you to lay a trip on yourself. I want you to be friendly toward yourself and maybe not in affect, but at least in thought to guide yourself and say, well, maybe I'll join an online dating or maybe I'll make a phone call to a friend or maybe I'll go to this party or maybe I'll just accept myself as I am and let it come naturally and I don't have to lay this trip. Maybe I don't have to do anything. The friendly mind is there to just guide you to accept yourself as you are and to be resourceful when you need to be resourceful. Another standard is this pressure to be successful. Oh my God, I don't have enough money in the bank. Oh my God, I should be more successful. Why am I not better at what I'm doing? And your awareness, your friendly mind says, oh, I can see you're laying a trip on yourself about success. What can you realistically do today, this hour, this next five minutes, let's see. Stay focused on what's possible. Is there anything you can do toward success right now? And if the answer is yes, you do it. The answer is no. It says there's nothing you can do right now. Get it? Let's focus on something else. Then there's another standard we might have. I want to be more beautiful. I want to be more fit. I want to be more attractive. I want to be more handsome. Well, friendly mind says, oh, I see that you want to be more beauty beautiful. I see you want to be more attractive. I see you want to be more fit in a way that, let's say you are doing everything you can do. Friendly mind asks, is there anything more you can realistically do? That's an important part. If you can realistically work out more, then friendly mind is not going to just give you a free unconditional pass. It's going to ask you, what can you realistically do? How can you realistically be to be your best self? And if you're doing it, it's going to say to you, you deserve a kind thought. I love you as you are, I care for you as you are. Even though I may not be able to feel it, I realize you can't do anything better. I'm going to follow those thoughts even if I can't feel them because of the truth. Maybe you want to be youthful, you want to be More youthful than you are, and you realize, oh, that's kind of funny. I want to be more youthful. Let's see, I think I'll snap my finger and I'll be 20 years younger or I'll look 20 years younger. And you see that you're laying a trip on yourself. And you say, friendly mind says, I see you're laying a trip on yourself. Now again, as we're going through these, I look inside, see which ones apply to you. Stay with the ones that are applying to you. Another one could be, I want to be in a love relationship and I don't know what's wrong with me, then I'm not in it. What's wrong? You know, am I too withdrawn? Do I have too big of a personality? Do I not have enough of a personality? What's my problem? The other thing that friendly mind does is, is it asks questions that are positive. Questions like, what could I realistically do that would help me be in a love relationship? Can I see anything? So friendly mind, ask questions that are there for your benefit that can lead to you being your best self, but it's not going to allow the thoughts or the questions that are put downs. Just try to register that it's a reprogramming. So your mind is your ally, is your friend. You may feel another standard based on your religious conditioning or your spiritual conditioning. That might be saying, oh, you should be praying more or you shouldn't be so sexual because, oh, you're betraying your Catholic conditioning, or you should be going to church more or temple more or whatever else you. And then your friendly mind says, what is it that you need to do to be true to yourself? What I care about is you being your best self and you making your best efforts to be your best self. Can you see the absurdity of ever trying to do anything better than being your best self as it relates to your spiritual or religious conditioning? How can I do that the next five minutes, the next hour? What can I do? How can I be what's true to me? What's my view of being spiritual or religious now? Not what I was taught when I was a child. I want to be more intelligent, I want to be more intelligent than I was. Another standard. Oh, let's see now. I think I'll get a little screwdriver and just put on the intelligence button and you start to see the absurdity of wanting to be more intelligent than you are. I am as intelligent as I can be and I want to use it to my maximum potential. So if there's an area that I need to study for something, I'll study for something. But if it's an abstract criticism about your intelligence, then friendly mind comes in and says I get the joke. Do you get the joke? Gee, okay, I'm going to keep telling you I get the joke. Do you get the joke? I'm not sure if you're getting it. Hopefully it will lead to a little bit of a smile. Hopefully you'll be able to see that. Then you say, well gee, I want to be more confident, I want to have more self esteem, snap my finger and get more confident. Get more self esteem. So then friendly mind is going to say what could I possibly do to increase my confidence or to gather more self esteem? Do I need to be more generous? Do I need to be more boundaried? Do I need to be looking at areas where I really have fallen short, where I can improve myself? Friendly mind is going to say to you all the time, what can you realistically do to gain more confidence and stay with it. Don't be satisfied with just the first 30 seconds. This is a very long lifelong question. How can I maximize my confidence and my self esteem? So as you're looking, what is the standard that's gotten you most in life from your early conditioning that really grabs you? And stay with that right now as you're looking at it. And if, let's say it leaves you feeling inadequate or empty or frightened or anxious, then your friendly mind is going to say I see it, I see the standard, I see the feeling you're in. How can we best take care of you? I want you to know I'm devoted to best take care of you because I'm the wisest, most friendly part of your mind and I'm actually, don't take it personally, but I'm actually a little smarter than you are because I'm your friendly mind and that's who I want to dedicate myself to, especially when I don't feel good. So give yourself a little prayer if it makes sense to you or a little reminder that's saying I want to be my friendly mind when I feel the very worst. And I want to try to remember first of all that that's something I aspire toward because it's easy to forget friendly mind when you feel lousy. And then when you get there, Friendly mind is going to guide you to be the realistic, best you can be.