Counseling Teens

I'm wondering how to work with a young client who has a low level of motivation, whose parents are wanting them to move forward and have more motivation in school for their future and how to work with that client without feeling like it's the parents and me versus them.

The first thing is that you need to connect with a client deeply enough where they feel that you lovingly identify with their world. So you go to a place of, well, it's really understandable why you would enjoy video games and it's really understandable why school is boring, in their words. You know, you reflect back whatever way they've presented it. And it's really understandable why you'd rather watch TV or you'd rather do the things that you love doing. And that's something that actually I can even remember I felt that way too. And you really don't go to change them or to try to move towards, quote, progress until you feel that there's a reflection back of connection where they're reflecting back to you. Something like, yeah, I think you understand me, or yeah, I think you get it, or some version of a loving connection. And then you do a little bit of reality testing of how do you see school? Does it have any relevance at all? And they say, well, no, not really, it's not really that important, I'll worry about it later, or maybe I'll work later, or I don't really want to think about it now. And then you reflect back a little bit like, well, what do you think your parents view is? And you do a little reality testing of their integration of what their relationship to their parents are. And so for example, if their parents are critical of them or grounding them unreasonably, you try to frame for them, if you can, the pure intention on the part of the parent. Do you think your parents actually really get off on grounding you or restricting you or criticizing you? Or do you actually think they're concerned that it's not going to help you be happy in the world? And let's say they say, well, I just think they're bad dispositions and they're really not very nice people or they're just unhappy in their own lives or whatever else. So then you frame, well, if you were a parent, what do you think you would do? And then they say, well, I don't know. Or they say, I think I recognize that a kid should be a kid for a while, they're a kid and, and I think that's okay. So you explore all those terrains and then when you've done everything you can to see if any part of them can identify with, well, my future is an important part of my life and having good disciplined habits matter, then you do a little bit of reality testing of is it okay if I start to share a little bit of how I see it? Is that okay? And you make sure you don't violate them by just telling them what you think. And sooner or later, if you have that rapport, they're going to say, sure. And my experience is that. And again, let's say they're athletes or they're interested a little bit in music, that having a last second comeback, being an athlete doesn't work very well. And it's kind of similar with work habits. And if you don't build up those kind of muscles that actually it's going to hurt you. And then you really go into what do you think? So you really don't leave any single suggestion without being interested in their reality. And then they say, well, you know, I don't think it matters. I don't think it really. I just care about, you know, kind of being cool with my friends and I'm getting along socially. And then you basically say, okay, I hear you. So what you're saying is so and so. And I'd just like you to consider that this is another level of reality where what really matters is not only to have fun but to prepare yourself for your future. And that there's an incredible amount of love in that and there's an incredible amount of protection and sensibility. And then you go, but what do you think? And then they'll say, well, no, I understand what you're saying, but will you consider that? And then they say, well, no, I don't really want to consider it that much. Or they just deflect it, or they say, yes, but it's not a real yes. And what you're really hoping for is that you're lovingly becoming them, living in their world, and you're also lovingly presenting another alternative. And so there's two loves standing side by side. They can feel a love for their reality and they can feel a love for protection and for their future being taken care of for them having better choices. And if they're really in very deep denial, then you want to convey something along the lines of, if this continues, I have also some loving, protective concern that you may be quite shocked when it comes to the end of high school. What do you think? What's your reality? So you're never losing touch with their reality, but you're never, after the beginning phase, colluding at all. So there's just this continuous interplay between their view of reality and being empathic for that and your view of reality. Now, if you do that for quite a long time and nothing's happening, then at that point you are going to need to be gradually a little bit stronger. And then you say, is it okay if I'm a little bit stronger with you? Because I feel like, you know, you're on a path right now that's going to hurt you, and I'm not going to be a responsible counselor if I don't help prepare you. Is that all right? And so there's this continuous interplay, but you ratchet up the strength, and you're saying some of the same things, but you're saying them with more strength.

So they're always being considered. Always. That's the constant.

It's a constant of them being considered. And there's also, at the same time, another viewpoint that's being presented with this combination of strength and love and empathy, and that that's a perpetual interaction.