A counselor reflects on when to share personal experiences with dying clients. The key: only share what the client allows, watch their face for whether they're ready, and hold it all with gratitude. These moments prepare both people for living and dying.
Is there a place for us to have a personal sharing as a counselor, a personal sharing of the moments that they are allowing us to share with them at this critical time in their life? You said a critical thing that they're allowing us. So yes, when they're allowing us, there are those moments. And then we need to also stay in awareness. That allowance isn't necessarily unconditional. It might be an allowance of saying, I'd like to hear your views and they really mean a little bit of your views. So we want to make sure we don't go on a soapbox and that we stay in tune in the moment to see whether or not their eyes are glazing, to see whether or not their mind's moving away, and to notice whether there's a response back and there's an alive dialogue. So it's sort of a soft yes, but not a real yes. The other side of that is not necessarily a verbalization or a communication directly, but also the feeling when I'm coming in and I have a feeling of this is a special moment, but it's something inside me as a counselor. It's a context, it's a feeling of what a fortunate situation I'm in. To be in the presence, to be with someone in this state where I am headed, if I'm open enough to recognize it. And in holding that, is there value in holding that inside me as part of my being when I'm with this person? Without question a key part of the healing environment that's being created. And there is a natural gratitude because you are being led into your future and not being charged for it. It's like here you are in the very most vulnerable time getting a preview. It's like getting the most important movie of your life and getting preview shots and preparation and training ground. It's like if you're a professional athlete, you're being given practice. Whatever your work environment it is, it's free training. And yet in theory you're there to support them. And in practice, hopefully you are. But it's so critical that you realize that this is a mutual exchange. And if it really is just a one way exchange, then there is a great limitation. If you're not realizing that the person is previewing your vulnerability is previewing some of the existential questions that hopefully you will be led into while you're with them. And you'll recognize that really being aware of your own impermanence, really being aware of the preciousness of life is not only something that's important for your own dying, but it can enhance your own living. And that's such an incredible blessing. It's a double preparation. It's preparing you to live and die. If you really hold that deeply and dearly in your heart in training ground, it's like if you're a professional athlete, you're being given practice. Whatever your work environment, it is, it's free training. And yet in theory, you're there to support them. And in practice, hopefully you are. But it's so critical that you realize that this is a mutual exchange. And if it really is just a one way exchange, then there is.
