Robert asks how to be a better listener and support to friends. The conversation covers asking permission before giving advice, staying in listening mode instead of jumping to solutions, and trusting your own judgment about what someone needs.
So, Robert, whenever I talk to you, I always feel very safe and comfortable opening up. And, you know, I feel that you're always fully listening to me and not trying to push me in a direction or judging me.
And.
And at the same time, I don't feel like you're just pouring a bunch of sympathy on me. And I still feel, even when you're being more firm with me, that you still acknowledge how much pain or difficulty that I am going through at some points. And when I try and do the same thing myself and be there for people and listen to them in a helpful way, I struggle with it. And I'm wondering if. If you have some pointers maybe on how to be there for people.
How do you struggle? Can you give a couple examples and we can just kind of look at that.
I don't know if I'm just sympathizing with them or if I should be giving them. Not advice exactly, but just kind of my take on it, or I don't just want to encourage them to dig deeper into their own emotions if they're negative.
Well, first of all, I want to somehow let you know I'm touched by your acknowledgement. I wanted to mention that. And also what you just said is the perfect answer to them, which is, I'm not sure which way to go here. I'm not sure whether I'm going to be pushing on you too hard or whether or not I need to listen to your emotions more. Can we talk about that? So I think that your intuition is exactly telling you that you're at this not knowing point and that not knowing point is the dance. And whenever we're at that point, which I think all of us are in relationships, if we verbalize that, that's the greatest sensitivity. I'm not sure if I would be violating you by giving you this interpretation or whether you really want it. Would you tell me now and would you keep telling me that kind of thing? So where else might you see yourself in relationships feeling like you're not sure or where you're just don't think where you want to be?
I guess sometimes just trying to be there to listen and not try and in a way not try and just cheer them up or change their how they're feeling, not reject it for them. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm just standing there not really doing anything, not really being helpful, or is it having. Are they perceptive at all? Sometimes I just feel I don't have the words to say.
And again, I think similarly, I'm not sure if I have the words to say, are you wanting anything more? Is there any direction that you see yourself wanting to be supported? Because I'm guessing and listening to you that what you're falling into is their void. What you're falling into is their lack of clarity as to the direction of their life. And it's not your job to tell them the direction of their life. But it is being a best friend to be able to ask the question that's being asked and say, I hear you wrestling with which direction to go and being unsure. Are you wanting me to brainstorm with you and give you thoughts, or are you wanting me to be more silent and just externalizing that? So are there any other places just keep letting yourself scan people that you're with that you're questioning? Am I optimizing their relationship with them?
I think the other area for me is when I do feel that I have maybe advice to give that I second guess, if it's even my place to comment on, who am I to say, I know what you should be doing?
Well, two things about that. One is, again, externalizing that I have some. I don't think I'd use the word advice, but I'd say potential guidance or potential suggestions. But I'm not sure if it's my place. Is it my place? Is it not my place? Let's talk about it. The second thing is that the biggest turning point, or one of the biggest turning points of my life was when I came to a realization where I was asking myself, well, why is it I was watching somebody else who was really being very intuitive with other people? Well, I see a lot of the same things, you see, but why is it that I don't say them? And this person looked. Looked at me and just gave me an acknowledgement in a certain way where from that point on, I really saw myself young with my mother, going like this. And of course, this wasn't the case with your mother. We don't want to be confused, but saying, who in the hell do you think you are to tell me what you think? And most of us were taught, not necessarily only by our mothers, but by our culture, that it's not our place to really share our beliefs when they differ from our teachers or from anybody in our culture. And so it's normal to second guess yourself. But then in a certain way, you need to second guess the second guess and be able to ask yourself, do I have something potentially worthwhile to share here? And is my heart in the right place. And I think that for me, from that point on, when I realized I had an irrational source of distrusting myself, I then really had the shot in the arm. And I'm saying to you, point blank. I think in your situations, you have so much to offer so many people, especially by saying to them, is this fair game to you? And if they say yes, oh, man, give it all.
