Finding Wisdom in "The Critic"

Take a close look at your deepest self criticism, especially one that really has some validity. Jody is engaged in the question, does this criticism have real truth in it? And if so, what is the healing? Ask yourself the same question as you engage your most valid criticism in the first part, take close note of her step toward healing at the end. Notice the example of criticism that has no validity and is really just a character assassination. See if you can find the strength to address your harshest criticism that has no truth.

So what I was hoping to ask you about today and understand better is this self criticism that I experience when I'm in a situation. It seems as if there's a back story going on in my head that pulls me out of the moment. And that backstory is just a rant of criticism. And I would like to know how to work with that.

Could you give a really good example of that?

Well, for example, last night I was at a party, there was a group of people there and one of the people at the party was Justin's ex girlfriend. And she walked in and she was very grandiose and just wanted to be the center of attention and was wearing very sexy clothes. And I felt myself going into feeling contracted around that. And somebody came up to me and asked me in that moment how I felt about it. And it was somebody who I trust enough as a friend that don't trust, wouldn't tell other people what I said. And I was so caught up in the moment, I said something very negative about her. And the moment it was coming out of my mouth, I just started criticizing myself. Why would you say that? You're such a stuck up snob. How can you even make this about you? And this evening, you know, it's about the birthday person. And so there's this self criticism going on and on and on. And then all of a sudden I really can't even have fun anymore at that point.

So you have this contact with this person who, if I understood you correctly, you said you trust a fair amount.

Somewhat. Yeah.

And you revealed more than your self criticism told you was appropriate to reveal.

Yes.

Okay, so it's a great example of you having a relationship to your criticism and you say to the criticism, okay, criticism, what would you like me to do now that I've spilled the beans too much? And when you find yourself in a state of excessive self criticism, you always want to reach a place inside where you ask the criticism, what does it want from you in the present moment or in the near future? And you tell the criticism, I'm not going to let you just assassinate me. So if you imagine yourself right now asking the criticism, right when it starts to come up, right after you've just spilled the beans, what do you want from me now see where you go.

It's a pretty harsh voice and it says, I want you to apologize. Take it back.

And I want you to keep imagining that your. Your presence, that you're someone who's able to handle this rough self criticism and you have the strength to keep in relationship with self criticism. So you say, how would you like me to take it back? And I want you to know, self criticism, that I'm only going to really be willing to listen to you if you give me a chance to be in the present or the near future. And if you're just interested in killing me, then I'm going to recognize that you're not a voice that I'm going to respect and I'm going to tell you to get lost. Now, I want you to be aware of the fact that what I'm talking about, where you start to develop that strength, is a series of developmental stages. And so you might not have the power yet to be able to really tell it to get lost, but what you do have the power to do is to start to investigate whether the self criticism is actually giving you a chance in the present or the near future. So ask it again, how do I take it back? And then see what it says.

Well, you can start by not doing that again tonight.

Okay.

You know, just keep yourself in check.

Okay.

And then tomorrow you need to call that person who heard you say that and explain yourself.

All right? And how.

Go ahead, take responsibility for your shortcoming.

Okay. And how would you like me to take responsibility when I call her back tomorrow?

You want. It was actually a hymn. And you'd want to say, you'd want to say to him, you know, you caught me off guard and you really. I really feel badly that I lost it in that moment, but I can only take so much. And I had had a previous situation with that person that rubbed me the wrong way, and you just caught me at a bad time.

Okay, so how does that feel?

It feels good on one level. It feels a little righteous on another level.

How righteous?

How does it feel righteous? The criticism comes in and says, look at you, you're trying to look like you're perfect.

And just imagine yourself saying, well, what do you mean, how am I trying to look perfect? I actually just put it in perspective, and I admitted that I was caught off guard. And I think I was sincere. Don't I? Don't you?

Yeah.

What do you mean? Righteous? Are you assassinating me? Are you an assassin? I mean, really, are you an assassin?

I think so.

Okay. All right. So I. The Jody that's developing is recognizing when an assassin comes towards me. And I actually believe I've done what I can do because if I re. Approach this person, have I taken care of business as well as I can?

Yeah.

So I think the key here is that you recognize now that there are assassins that come into your life and you don't recognize them as assassins. And even many times when you take care of business, the assassin still jabs you and you're caught defenseless. And that's a stage of development where you are. You aren't aware yet as to when assassins wipe you out, and you don't yet have the strength, clarity of perception to say, assassin, get lost, or, I've really taken care of business and I'm happy with myself. And your contentment about taking responsibility for overstating yourself is just stronger than the assassin. So I would say what you want to do is plant a seed. I want to be more aware whether the criticism that's coming towards me is a character assassination or it's really a criticism that is one that is there that can help me by listening to it, and it's a criticism that's giving me a chance in the present or the near future.