Caretakers and helpers often prioritize others' needs to gain validation rather than build real connection, a pattern rooted in upbringing and professional roles like counseling. The speaker explores why helpers struggle to be vulnerable and ask for support, and argues for choosing love and presence over the safety of validation.
So in thinking more about the times where I sort of switch into the hyper mode, where I'm sort of. I'm not checked in with myself and I feel a little bit sort of out of control, or that I'm on autopilot, or that I'm sort of watching myself in this movie buzz around taking care of everyone and checking in with everyone and really making sure that everyone there comfortable, despite my own emotional state and despite where I'm at and what's going on with me. And why do we do this? Why do we sacrifice our own needs to take care of the needs of others? When we're doing this in a place that I'm aware I'm doing it, I know I'm doing it, and that I know I'm not being true to myself. So why? Why do we sacrifice that?
It's such an important question. Because what happens is when we take care of other people, we get validated. Everyone likes us because people like being taken care of. And it happens that our profession of being a counselor or any of the helping professions usually have this tendency. And it's because in some way, it's a way that we get validation of being valuable, of being useful, and that feels good. If we're going to be any kind of an ego, it's nice to be a useful ego. But the thing that's critical to understand is that we're treating validation as more important than. Than connection. We're treating validation as more important than love, as more important than intimacy, as more important than presence. And when we really look closely at it, that's usually the way a lot of us were raised that be polite, have good manners, you know, be a good person. And we aren't usually taught, how do I actually take care of myself. So one level of why we do it is because validation is more important than love and connection. The other reason why we do it is it's usually hard for helpers to be vulnerable. And so the other side of it is we need to develop the ability to be able to ask for help. And perhaps when we ask for help, it wasn't easy for us earlier in our life or maybe even in our current life. And we might even have a lot of people around us that are used to us taking care of them. And it might not work out so well with some of our friends, right? And that will lead us to feel sad, that will lead us to feel abandoned, that will lead us to feel shortchanged and maybe even resentful, hurt. And so in order for us to be balancing this. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, and we have to be willing to recognize, you know what? I'm not more grand than you are. I'm just a human being that wants to love and be loved and doesn't just want to love. And I also recognize that when I have to directly ask or when I get to really ask for you to listen to me or for you to be kinder to me or for you to give me a little bit of attention or for or for you to appreciate me, I run the risk of being disappointed, of feeling a loss. And so the major reason also why we don't do this is we're trying to avoid our own vulnerability. So it's a wonderful evolutionary process to recognize that I am finally at a point in my life where I want to face my vulnerability, and I'm going to choose connection and love rather than validation.
