A short reflective dialogue focused on becoming aware of and containing one’s tone of voice to reduce harm and cultivate kindness. The speaker describes using tone to convey resentment and sometimes to punish others; the guide offers a practice: frequent self-checks about tone, intention-setting (daily reminders), and gradual accountability growth (awareness → containment → kinder action).
I think that I am not very aware of my tone of voice, and that oftentimes I allow my tone of voice to carry the meaning behind the words that I'm saying rather than saying those words and want the person to understand what I'm saying by my tone. And I'm wondering how we go from that lack of awareness to more aware place where we're really checking in with our tone of voice. Because right now, it's really not something I think about very often, even though I know that I'm letting it sort of run away with my emotions.
Right. So I think what you're saying is that you're having subliminal awarenesses that, you know what? I'm just letting myself being loose and kind of careless with my tone of voice, and I'm letting myself believe what my mind is saying, the words that I'm saying. But actually my tone is leaking resentment or other emotions when in my own mind, I'm thinking, well, I'm not saying anything that harmful, but actually, I'm giving a little bit of judo chops with my tone.
Exactly.
So the answer to your question is to ask it much more often. It needs to become practice, which is, what is my tone of voice like? And you're asking that question throughout the day, and it is a continuous level of maturation. The more we are inquiring into what is my tone of voice? You're actually accessing what your motivations are in life, moment to moment, when you ask what your tone of voice is. Because when you give a judo chop, it really is a hurtful chudo chop. But when you're aware of it, it's compassion. When you have that fleeting awareness that says, oh, I can see that I'm sliding another one in, then what's happening is the intention to observe yourself has the power to stop the tone of voice and to learn how to contain it. So the first developmental stage really is the awareness of your tone of voice, which you have, but you need to deepen. And then the second one is, I want to contain my tone of voice so that I don't create harm. And this comes from a wish to be more harmless and actually to be kinder. So can you go inside yourself and say, I want to cultivate a greater awareness of my tone of voice so that I can be a more accountable human being, a kinder human being. And if I'm really upset about something, I want to be straighter and say it in the words too, and not just slide it in the tones.
Mm, I see. That and I sometimes punish people with my tone of voice. It's my way of sort of saying, you've crossed the line and I'm pissed off, I'm mad, and I don't. And then I feel regret after that. And so I do want to be able to, what we said, go and think about that before. And I like the idea of being more harmless because I don't want to be harmful, even though sometimes it feels good in the moment, it feels really bad after.
Exactly. And that regret is a sign of your best parts of your character, the best parts of your nature, saying, you know what, I really don't feel good when I'm hurting other people. I might get a momentary relief like I'm retaliating, but it lasts for about a second and then the regret lasts for a lot longer. And so what I suggest to myself, to counselors, to friends, is you wake up in the morning and you remind yourself that I want to be aware of my tone of voice because I want to bring more love into my world. I want to bring more love into my own heart as well. It's also positively self centered. And so you actually set an intention. When you wake up in the morning, or even during the day or at night, you say, I would like to be able to be accountable for my tone of voice and contain it when it's resentful and keep developing that capacity, knowing that right now, if I was to ask you, what percentage of the time do you think you're accountable for your tone voice, what percent?
I'd say 80%.
Okay, so I want to be accountable and grow that 80% to increase for the rest of my life. And anytime you're in that intention, what do you feel? Anytime you're aware enough to say, I'd like to be more accountable with my tone of voice, how does that feel to say it to yourself?
It feels good. It feels good not to do harm to others.
Exactly. And so that becomes the key thing is you're actually in your real heart, not just in your emotions, whenever you're supporting that intention.
