Robert Strock helps Susan move from understanding anxiety intellectually to actually managing it. He teaches specific self-talk like "I'm not doing this on purpose" and "How can I care for you?", and uses the Buddhist second arrow metaphor to separate initial anxiety from the suffering we add through reactive thoughts.
I'm Susan, and I struggle with anxiety, as you know, and underneath it, I can't always grab what to do with it because I'm so caught up in it. Or I also notice that my. My clients get caught up in anxiety too, because it's so prevalent right now, especially in this world. So how can you take it from knowing it's there intellectually? Because you said something about intellectually, it's not. And how do you take that and then get to the underneath and. And take care of yourself better?
Great question. And as many of you know, I know Susan quite well. So it's so important not to just intellectually understand that you being aware of your anxiety is a gift. And for you in particular, you give that gift to all the kids that you serve by outing yourself, which we can't all afford to do, but outing yourself. That I'm feeling anxious. And good for me. Not bad for me. Good for me that I can stay aware of it and I can guide people with that. Oh, my God, How. How wonderful is that, that I can guide people to be open, because 98% of the people just say, I'm fine. And. And then you're asking yourself the question, you know, what are the thoughts specifically? Don't be vague. What are the thoughts specifically that you want to have? Be like a Pavlovian response where you say to yourself, again, I'm not doing. I'm not being anxious on purpose. And anxiety. How can I care for you? How can I care for you? Now, the first part would be the thoughts. You know, I love you with your anxiety. I trust you that you have capacity even while your anxiety is there. And in your case, maybe even more, because you get to be a teacher of anxiety, being felt but not being owned by it.
Yippee.
Yippee. Only. Only because you. The conviction, which by the way, is a result of years of pratching practice. The. The conviction only comes when you believe the thoughts that you aren't doing this on purpose. Wake up. You're not doing this on purpose, and you are innocent. You are innocent. When whatever feelings come up inside us, we can't control, it comes out from our unconscious. We're not doing it on purpose. Not now. I'm going to segue into a slightly second subject. This is something that in the Buddhist tradition is called the second arrow, where the first feelings that we have we can't mess with without making it worse. We need to embrace the first feelings we have, in this case, anxiety, and recognize the second arrow is our reaction. To the feelings versus our response to the feelings. Now, I'm using the word reaction to mean a negative reaction or negative thoughts. And that's why it should be because the negative feelings and the negative thoughts still are more in control. Because it will be a real yippee. When you are your supporter and you go, I really move from barely tolerating it because I can't stand it, to tolerating it, to accepting it, to being kind toward myself, to being gentle and welcoming it. And of course, I'm human. Of course I am. And then once you really get there, because right now most of us would be exactly like you just said in your normal transparency, which is yippee. And the yippee is because we think it's just the head saying it to us. And at first, it is just the head. The wisdom isn't really clicking in, but when the wisdom kicks in, it's like, oh, yeah, I'm so sorry that I've treated myself badly. When I'm anxious, when it's been a conditioned feeling, perhaps into my. My biology, my chemical conditioning, early trauma, whatever it is. And then you move to the next, which is okay, given I'm anxious when I'm alone. How do I take care of myself when I'm.
