A relationship-advice talk (YouTube) advising couples how to care for both partners by asking a shared question, keeping a big-picture perspective across multiple compatibility areas, and recognizing that about 7 of 10 key compatibility areas is a strong basis for a happy intimate relationship. Emphasizes maturity, humility, receptivity, and that close relationships amplify both best and worst parts of people.
What we're going to focus on today is the question, in love relationships, how do we take care of both of us? Now, that question kind of sings in my heart, both personally and as a counselor, because just asking that question allows all of us to realize we need to relate to ourselves and find a balance of also relating to the person that we love the most. And this may not sound like an evolutionary step, but I promise you, in 50 years of counseling, this is something that is rarely used as a mainstay in relationship to actually ask this question. So that is the first step is really remembering to ask yourself and ask your partner and ask your partner to ask you, how do we take care of both of us? And then have a period of silence. This is especially valuable at the beginning, middle, end of the relationship or when you're in conflict, because it allows you to not only think of your own needs, but it allows you to think of both needs simultaneously. Now, this requires a lot of maturity, humility, and receptivity at the same time. One of the things that's most important is that we recognize in love relationships, we're guaranteed to bring out the very best parts of ourselves and the very worst parts of ourselves. So many couples are confused, why am I so much nicer to my friends? And the answer is, because we carry in our most intimate relationships our wounds from our past. And we have so much deeper needs. Our needs are so much more profound when we're in relationship. So don't judge yourself just because. Or don't judge your partner just because you're in a love relationship. Presume it's going to be more of a gift and more of a challenge. And the second major insight is that we need to carry a big picture of the whole relationship and not get carried away with one area of conflict. And to reflect back on the many qualities that we have or the many aspects that are there. And there are so many places that we have to enjoy and to fall in love with. And we have so many places to be in conflict. So, for example, there's the intimate part of our life. There's how tall we are. There's our relationship to politics, our relationships to affection, communication, intelligence, religion, how much we want to be independent versus closer and more time together, how much we're a private person or a public person, how attractive we are. These are just samples. Just we could go on and on in all the key areas in relationship. So you can see that if you don't have a big picture of the relationship, you can get zeroed into one aspect and lose your love. And it's a tragedy not to stay in the big picture. So that's something to remember for the rest of your life. And the third thing, the third insight is that out of these areas I've just mentioned, and more, if we get something like 7 out of the 10 most important areas of our life, we've hit the jackpot. Nobody gets 10 out of 10. And there's such a tendency to either withdraw or fight because one area isn't compatible. And we need to find the maturity and the humility and the trust in our relationship to see that. Okay, maybe we have some differences in the area of I think that she or he is more attractive than I am and I feel insecure. Well, that's just one area. Or maybe I like to travel here and my partner likes this kind of travel. And to be able to keep in perspective that if you have seven out of 10 key areas in your relationship, it's a source of happiness. But that requires us to get beyond. I want what I want when I want it. So as you reflect on this, remember, ask the question, how do we take care of both of us? Remember to look at the big picture. And remember that 7 out of 10 is a gold mine. And I assure you, this is going to help you have an intimate relationship that has top quality.
