The speaker examines five common ways people ask for what they want in relationships: anxious, removed, intellectual, irritable, and frustrated. To actually get what you need, cultivate sincerity, tenderness, courage, and trust instead. Asking works best when it comes from the heart.
How we ask for what it is that we want or need is such an amazing indicator of whether we're likely to receive it or not that it's really worth our exploring together. As we do that, just take a quick look at your ordinary relationships and notice how it is that you normally would ask for something. Are you friendly? Are you removed? Are you aggressive? Are you anxious? And just start to scan the key relationships in your life and visualize yourself asking for something that you want. Maybe it's with your kids or your friends. And as you identify the particular qualities in your tone of voice, you'll start to sense a certain pattern. And maybe you have two or three or four normal tendencies. Most of us do. So I'm going to just give you a list and just give yourself a little check mark as you identify your own personal tendency. Some of us are anxious, some of us are removed. Some of us are just strictly intellectual. Take a look at whether or not you might be irritable or you might be frustrated. Any of these tendencies that we can see in ourselves will help give us an understanding of why we aren't maximizing our human relationships. And now let's take a look at what would the tone be like if we were really going to optimize our chances of getting what we want? What are the qualities that we want to imbue as we're really asking those close to us, or frankly, even those not close to us? What is the quality of the asking itself? Is it sincere? And as I even say these words, look inside and ask yourself, can you feel comfortable being sincere in the way you ask? Is that something that you're okay with doing, with being? Is it innocent? Can I just simply ask, will you be nice to me? Or. Or would you be open to joining me in this activity? Then you might also take a look at do you feel a sense of healthy strength and courage? To where you're saying, is it okay? Versus is it okay? Look at the difference. And whether you're asking has a quality of innocence, of tenderness, of strength, of maybe even a certain kind of compassion or sincerity. And as you scan that, don't fall prey to judging yourself for how you ask. Let this be an encouragement. Let this be like a prayer for you to ask from the bottom of your heart for you to recognize that every time you're asking for something, you have a chance to be like a tuning fork where you're looking for the very most sincere place. You're looking for the kindness inside yourself. You're looking for the trust and the ease and the flow. And when you see that that's something that isn't happening, just let yourself have a reminder that's saying, I'd like to ask closer and closer to my heart. And sometimes you're going to find, well, I can only be in my heart 20% or 30%. And at the same time, let that be an encouragement to enter into something like a prayer, where you're saying to yourself, I'd like to ask from as close to my depth of heart as possible. And when you enter into this wish to be sincere, to just be innocent, to just be kind in the way you ask, you know that you're starting to optimize your life. And you know you're starting to optimize your ability to love and be close to the people around you that really matter. And not the least important, you're becoming most close with your own heart.
