Robert Strock explains how to work with anger by first sitting with it alone, then identifying what you actually need underneath it, like being understood or cared for. Only share the anger when you're ready to ask for something constructive, and if both people listen without taking it personally, anger becomes a path to closeness instead of harm.
Robert, you know, I know you're now talking about asking permission for shared feelings or observations. Suppose you feel angry, you know, at me or Shelley or somebody important in your life, and you say, you know, could I have permission to share with you the anger I'm feeling right now? I would say no, probably. But, you know, tell me a little bit more how the best way to deal with that is.
Well, first of all, I think that it's really important when I'm feeling angry or anybody's feeling angry, to be able to look inside yourself and ask yourself, what is it that I'm really wanting from a sincere place, what am I really asking for? And if your anger is so hot or so out of control, or it's just wanting to vent itself, then it's not really going to be constructive to come forward to the other person. However, what I found is when you take enough time to be in solitude with your anger, and you have this witnessing capacity developing where you can see that, okay, I'm angry, I'm dangerous, I better take some time, better take some.
Solitude, how can I draw in some of that compassion and love?
How can I draw in some of the compassion?
Get into a prayer mode.
Yes, compassion, love. And also ask myself what it is that I'm really seeking here. Am I just wanting to punish this other person, or am I actually going to be asking them for something? When you can actually access, for example, that I really wanted to be understood, or I wanted you to be more tender, or I wanted you to be more sympathetic, I wanted your attention a bit more because you looked sideways when I was asking. I was just going to ask you for a bit more presence. When you can have access to what it is you want, then you know, there's a possibility you might be ready to ask for permission. And so what I found is that when an individual or when I ask for permission to express the anger, the reason why you or somebody else might want to actually listen to it is because I might give you a clue as to what might touch my heart, what might allow us to be closer. Because underneath every anger, if we look closely, we can see what it is that we need or want. So, for example, if I'm angry at you, there's always a reason for it. So it might be that it might not be a valid reason, but there's always some kind of a reason. And so if you can access what the core need is. So usually it's a need like being understood, receiving some kind of kindness or tenderness, it might be to be supported in some kind of a way. And so, as part of the expression of anger, I encourage people only to do it if they're fully motivated to get to the place before they're done expressing their anger, to say what it is that they are really asking for and that the listener is doing the same thing that they're empathically listening from a place of I'm going to do everything I can not to take what you're saying personally, and I'm going to try to see what it is that you want as well. And so, in that way, sometimes when both people are really attempting to reach each other's hearts, you can see what it is that you want and that the anger can be channeled in a positive way. She.
