One person describes feeling alone in emotional expression within their relationship, where their partner's intensity matches their inner voice but their laughter reads as deflection. They reflect on how their own learned passivity, modeled after a parent's emotional style, may protect others but leaves them exhausted as the only one processing.
So we just watched this rather outrageous video where I'm echoing what I've experienced as being your voice, largely, and some of the frustrations, some of. Some of the outrage, some of the passion of what you've wanted to convey to Jody in letting her know that you really want peace, that you really want just an affection, a tenderness, and that her. Your rather exquisite openness and transparency, as unique and developed as it is, is only a part of what you want and that this deeper need lives inside you. And so I'm guessing it was pretty provocative for you, especially because at least my experience of you is that it's hard for you to actually get to that level of intensity and ferociousness, especially. So I'm wondering how that was for you to see it and any other reactions you might have had.
About 99.5% of what you said, it felt like you were in my head. Felt like just. Yes. And it's hard for me to access the energy behind that. It's stuff that I feel like. I kind of say with a more monotone. The words were perfect. And the energy. It's hard for me to have that passion when I say it unless it really gets provoked. It felt good. It felt like you were saying it for me. And I actually got a little bit angry a couple times when she laughed when you were being intense. It kind of pissed me off in the moment watching it, because I felt like it was like being deflected or it wasn't really being seen or something. It got me. It got me a bit angry.
Do you remember any of the particular moments where you got angry that you felt that she was deflecting?
There was a couple times when you were at your most intense, kind of telling her that, I just want peace and I just want it to be even. And it wasn't like she didn't have, like a belly laugh. It was just like a little chuckle. And I just. I felt like there was nothing funny about that. So it. Like it got under my skin.
So you want to let her know. I mean, just to let her know that you really mean it.
It's hard to do, but, yeah. I mean, I think my number one desire is to have more of a peaceful energy between us without needing to process and without needing to dig into things and just being able to be close and be relaxed and might just be laying next to each other, might be playing something, but having a friendly energy, but just having it be an easy flow without there needing to be anything else done. And I know it can't Be that way all the time. But I would like a lot more of that.
As you're speaking about Jody deflecting, because I can't know which moments you're talking about on the video. It's hard to know whether she might have been self conscious. In other words, a little bit uncomfortable in her own sense of failing you in those moments, or whether it actually was deflecting. So as I look back and remember the video, I'm not sure which it was, but I'm glad, regardless of whichever it is, that you're not inhibiting yourself and coming forward. One question that comes up really quickly is, what do you think keeps you monotone? How come you aren't more animated?
I feel like that's less simple. I look at moderate to big reactions or feelings, not even reactions feelings, as kind of cathartic and being overly dramatic and being my mom's style. And so it really. I think it's just a big rebellion to that. It's like, I feel like when somebody goes there that the other person just automatically has to kind of take the abuse or take on that energy. And so I think I present with a very even energy because I feel like that's nicer or that's kinder or that's more compassionate. And it's not even like I consciously do that. It's just become a. It's a ingrained pattern. But I know that when you. You talk with, like, a lot of energy behind it, it definitely feels like a. Like a catharsis. And I just feel like I just have to listen and just kind of take it. And there are definitely times where I, like, I just want to be like, just stop it. Like, just talk about it calmly. This isn't that big a deal. And I'll just. I kind of freeze up with feeling irritated and withdrawn. And so I just kind of listen, but I'm not really open because of that. I don't even know if that fully answered the question or I just kind of went off.
I think the real question that's still there is, is your perception or interpretation that being more monotone is more compassionate? Is that actually a reaction to your mom's emotionality and you becoming more passive? Is that really an overreaction or is that really a pure response that's coming from what you would consider your wisdom? And are you unwittingly possibly setting up the woman in your life? In this case, you. Are you setting her up to be the emotional one by you staying in a relatively more passive state? Because it would Be very likely, I think to be frustrating if anybody in any relationship is the primary identified feeler and the other ones that primary identified one, that's even. But more importantly, what do you think? What's your wisdom tell you?
I mean, I feel like it's a percentage thing. Or the two. Exactly. Because you. Or the two ways you worded it between. Well.
Whether the monotone presentation is more coming from an equilibrium and compassion or whether it really represents a passivity.
Right. Okay. So I think the passivity is the majority, but not by a huge amount. So I think it might be like a 60, 40 type thing. Because I do think that there's something that I really value in being able to stay even and see things clearly and not get lost in a bunch of reactions that kind of take me off into attention because I feel like I can really stay with what it is. But I totally see how staying passive sets you up to feel like the only one with any feelings and how that would drive you nuts. But it's not always easy for me to access my feelings. I feel like if you could be more like me, I could be more like you. Like if you could be more even and in that peaceful state that I would feel safer or I don't even know if it's safe, but I feel like that would just kind of naturally come out more in me. That when you are in your feelings that I. I just automatically knee jerk into my like taking care of you, being really even and calm and that when you're for extended periods are more calm and relaxed that it allows me to go into that other role of whether it's talking about my irritation or my frustration or whatever it is.
