This transcript excerpt is from a relationship-coaching YouTube video ("Inspiring Love Relationship Part 3") where a facilitator guides partners (including Justin and Jody) to access and articulate emotional intensity with the goal of surfacing deeper longings and needs. In this chunk the facilitator invites one partner to notice fear and vulnerability after watching a video clip; the partner describes feeling "naked and a little scared" and worries about being perceived as narcissistic when expressing feelings after work. The facilitator reframes feelings as pointers to needs (courage, peace, support) and suggests intentionally amplifying emotional frequency so one partner's needs will be felt and eliciting reciprocal giving rather than emotional neglect.
Now we go back to the video. What's the strongest emotional reaction that you might be in touch with as you look at it? Is there any real message that could be conveyed with emotional intensity? And if it can't, then maybe have the humility to be able to recognize this is my ego that's not showing my emotion, not my wisdom. This is actually being much more concerned about my self image unconsciously than it is actually my higher intelligence. And so if you can't show your intensity, then okay, we'll get to witness that in this sharing together. That again, I'm just not able to share my intensity directly, especially when Jody's asking for it. If you're game, I guess one question is to make sure that you're really game and maybe just have an invitation and maybe that could be preceded by if you had any particular reaction to the video as well.
I am. I'm game. And I know I get mixed messages, but I guess it's my Wisdom is always 100% game. That's kind of what I've been waiting for. And the one piece that you said about how you feel like if I was more even consistently, it would be easier for you to come forward. I feel like if you came forward more and just trusted me, the evenness is there. I don't feel like. I really feel like it's just kind of waiting.
What's waiting?
I have a huge desire to be able to be there for that part of you, and I'm confident that I can be. And so I just feel like it's gonna take work on both parts. Because as much as you feel like you need to see me being more dedicated to being peaceful, and then you'll open up. I feel like if you were to open up, you'll naturally see that that's kind of something. I mean, I'm working on it. So we're both saying the same thing to each other as far as what provoked me in watching that back was mostly feeling just naked and a little scared. I think I have a fear of kind of falling into that role. And I think that seeing it clearly, even though that's not superior, but is a source of frustration for me.
So you're afraid that because your feelings were on display as much as they were, that that could be misconstrued or perceived as an imbalance in you, and then that could get exaggerated, and then Justin's imbalance might not be shown.
Right.
And so the question is, do either one of you really want to take this in a direction you Know, it might be wanting to take in a direction where your fear could be addressed, or is there someplace where you might want to go for expressing what matters most to you, perhaps that got stimulated in the video or wherever you are right now, that has intensity.
I can try. I don't know if my intensity will come. Typically, the way it comes is when we get into an argument and it gets provoked enough, and then it kind of shows up like, okay, now I'm here. Now I feel my anger, and I feel more direct and strong then. But it's hard to go for it. But I can try.
And I just want to remind us. But the reason why we're attempting to access the more human element, the more personal element, the egoic feelings, is because we're trying to get closer to what it is the deepest essential longing is. So if you do access whatever level of feeling you have, attempt to inquire, what is it I really want from you? What is it that this. If you're frustrated, what is it that you really wanted that left you frustrated? And so when you're at the end of, or even in the middle of expressing feelings, you're attempting to inquire into that and then share that with each other. We're not looking to just dump feelings. Just to dump feelings. If we're frightened, we're looking for courage. If we're sad, we're looking for happiness. If we're frustrated, we're looking. Looking for some kind of peace so that there is a higher purpose in the sharing of feelings. It's not just a release. Well, I just want to unload my feelings on you. And then, oh, good. I feel good now, and you probably feel lousy, but who cares? It's much more about. While I express the feelings, I'm looking for what my truest needs and longings are. So it has a dignified purpose. So the question is, you know, if either one of you would want to steer it in the direction I'm happy to try.
Okay, well, when you in the video use the word narcissistic, I looked at your reaction. I watched you in the video in that moment, because I was, like, wondering if that was gonna, like, make you squirm. And I think that's. That's an area where I noticed that I felt a lot of energy behind work. I think that's what it is when you are in your emotions. Like, if I come home from work or something, and you're upset about something and you're talking about it, I feel like you're being Narcissistic. And I get pissed off and I'm like, why the hell do we need to talk about this right now? I just came home and I just want to be able to relax and have a good time together. And, you know, I was just gone for like nine hours. And can't you just be in a good mood? And why is it all about your feelings right now? Why can't you just kind of deal with those or kind of contain those and be calm, be ready to just be peaceful and loving? And I just. I feel like it gets all about you, and it just. It really pisses me off.
So can you imagine yourself amping that intensity level? Because let's just imagine that if you hit a certain level of frequency of feeling, then you get heard. And if you speak just from that awareness, you don't get heard. So right now, as far as how I heard that on a 1 to 10 scale, I heard that as a 2. And I see you just naturally, you live somewhere between 5 and 10. You just are a very feelingful being who speaks from your emotions. And you rarely are just flat. Sometimes you are, but most of the time you're in this higher frequency. So what happens is you might put that out and Jody's listening, but imagine you coming home and you might say that, and she might go, huh, okay, And I'm glad you're telling me that. But your passion of how much you want that isn't really felt. And so in kind of an archetypal sort of way, your unconscious really believes that the woman's feelings are always going to be way more important than yours. So you're almost like an emotional beggar that just comes forward. And it's even worse than that. You're pretty much assuming that the woman's emotions are so much bigger than yours that you're not going to beg. And actually that you're going to realize that you don't matter that much. And so you're going to have to actually be at a woman's mercy that some part of your unconscious feels that way. Whereas if you move to this frequency and let's say you recognized, you know, I really want to relax tonight. This is really important to me. And the frequency went up like that. Then Jody feels like, ah, his feelings matter to him and I get to give to him, rather than both of us feeling, my feelings are really the biggest feelings to see that actually, unwittingly, you're setting yourself up not to be felt, not to be heard, not to be listened to, not to be responded to.
