Two people discuss how to improve relationships by focusing on your own development rather than changing your partner. They suggest spending roughly 90% of your effort on inner practices like managing reactivity and anger, then 10% on clearer communication. The shift lets you make kinder requests and build actual trust.
So you're telling me if Susan comes to me with a negative attitude, maybe even about something that's reasonable, but with a negative attitude that I can't say something about it that it has to be about, gee, I'm closed. Because she came at me negative? Is that what you mean?
Well, of course, being a percentage sort of guy, it has to do with the ratio of how really bad her vibe is and how much you're really able to be pretty decent. If, let's say she was really angry and you were really working on yourself saying, okay, now watch your anger, be aware. And let's say you were able to say to her, listen, I know I'm not completely pure, but I'd really like to ask you. That would be fantastic. But if you come back with just some kind of a reaction, then you're just putting fire on fire. I mean, you're just building the momentum. So it's not that you can't, and certainly I know you will, but the issue is how much motivation is there to deepen your relationship to yourself? And that's the central question that each of us need to face. Is relationship primarily about relationship, or is relationship primarily about our relationship to ourself? And if it's primarily about our relationship to ourself, then paradoxically, we can enter into a deeper relationship to another because otherwise all we are is just reactors to each other. So then the question becomes, I'm immobilized in my reactivity to you when you respond in this way. And that's where most of us are. Now the question is, can we see the more vulnerable places that are there, which include, I'm just out of control angry, and I'm aware of it, so I'm disabled, or I feel helpless because I don't know how to communicate with you when you're in this state, because I don't know how to ask you to be calmer or nicer to me. When we are doing that, the only way we can really work with it is to develop some kind of a practice to deal with being out of control, such as we can, pray, ask ourselves to be as kind or as caring as possible towards both the fact that we feel angry and the fact that the other person is angry, and prepare ourselves to be able to communicate as well as possible, knowing full well we're not likely to completely succeed. Or we might say to ourselves, I'm out of play because I'm too uptight. I got to go off and really express my anger inside myself or experience myself anger and then wait until I can be in play.
What's worked best for you?
What's worked best for me is to have a voice inside that said, be as angry as you can inside. Be outraged, be outrageous. Scream, be furious. And then that allows some kind of cathartic relief. Because I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry or you've got to get it together. I just give myself encouragement. Not only permission, but permission and encouragement to really vent inside. And then what happens? I also ask myself, what is it you really want? And of course, what I really want in that situation might be I want Shelley to be able to be more peaceful. Or I might want her to be more kind or acknowledging what it is that she wants or whatever it is that I'm angry about. And at that point, I reach that place of I can articulate in a way that's not just reactive to some degree with doing that. It's then going to the other and asking for permission. Is it okay? Are you in a place right now where you can handle that? I still feel some reactivity. And could you listen to me for what it is that I need? And when the answer's maybe, let's say a no or a yes, but I don't really feel a yes. I'm going back to myself again. So what's worked for me is to recognize that it's 90% in inner practice and 10% in. In outer communication. And that really is the key, is that when I shifted to realize that communication is largely a relationship to myself, not a relationship with the other. That's when the shift has really been most effective. When I really get that it's my responsibility primarily to find a level of peace, a level of warmth, a level of ease, while I'm also angry so that I can know what I want. And knowing what I want has a level of goodness to it. Then when I'm asking for something, it's clear that there's something that's a benefit. And that's what usually gives the possibility of hope and trust and intimacy.
