Linking Vulnerable Feelings to Core Needs

The occasions when this possibility for me to look at me and expose me comes up, ironically, I think that's the right word, is when she is not being particularly nice to me. And it's at a moment when I feel particularly unloved and particularly unseen. And at those moments when I most want to correct her is the time it seems that it's most impactful for me to then turn on myself and say, I'm despondent. I don't know what to do. I have no way of reaching you at this moment. And I'm completely impotent to know anything about how to relate to this, how to have you see me and what's going on here and have you trust that I'm not the enemy, that there's a core in here that really cares about you. And it's strangely ironic that it's at those moments. I mean, I understand it in one way and another way. I don't understand it.

Those moments when you're experiencing her as misunderstanding you in a vast way, naturally hit the place inside you that wants to be trusted, that wants to be understood, wants to have your own goodwill, be experienced. And when you really go into your core sadness and helplessness and despair and take the focus off of her, it's such a sweet spot, it's such a pregnancy for you to be able to find your real self that it doesn't seem like ironic is the right word. It does seem to me that it's just a predictable, obvious feeling of betrayal of what your true nature is. And so your true nature wants to be seen. And instead of correcting her, I want you to feel me. I want you to see my motivations. I want you to see my support. I want you to see my dedication. I'm dedicated to you. I'm so dedicated to you. And I want you to hold me in my wound. Because my innocence, my sincerity, my dedication wants to be joined by you right now. And I want the attention in a good way, in a nurturing way, in an intelligent way. And that attention is the balancer of your life, your ego structure, being oriented towards evaluating her is a defense. Your soul is your essential part of you. Wants love to come your way, wants understanding to come your way, wants seeing and awareness to come your way. And when you're there, you're really right with your own heart. You haven't abandoned yourself. So as you feel that what comes up, what goes on inside you.

I think a combination of relief that I have capacity to feel it now, and then frustration that I'M not more receptive to it more often with myself. I'm not very easy on myself when it comes to these things at all. And a real hope that it's a budding part of me that can resonate between Susan and I and grow, that it can bring a new level of love, support that feels like it's just a. In our life together from this point on can just be a foundation.

And that hope that you're talking about at the end there feels like a budding prayer. This is what I want in my life. I want the attention to really deeply include somebody being Susan, being right there, tenderly attending to my heart, interested in what my real intentions are, companioning me where I most want to be companioned.

Absolutely.

And I want to dedicate the rest of my life to this prayer because I can see that everything else will be relatively unfulfilling. This is the way that I balance out my life, not only with Susan, but with other people in my life. Because you're such a generous spirit and you ask so rarely for something essential just for you, that I really want this for me. And I realize it'll be a gift for everyone around me too. And of course, only part of you realizes this, but I'm speaking to that part. And that prayer is such a song, it's such a guideposts, it's such a good mantra that cognitively saying to yourself, I want this for me. I really want this loving attention, loving awareness, nurturing awareness to attend to me. It's a way of healing what I believe was the excessive dedication to your mother, excessive dedication to the outside. And it's now being balanced by beautiful. Or has the possibility of being balanced by having a beautiful dedication to yourself.

There's one more element which is. I'm not in any way saying that there's not a love coming, but what I'm saying is what I'm more aware of now than ever is I don't give. I don't let the little finger come out to be exposed, to be loved. And so whatever comes without that exposure is falling on a part of me that is a little duller, is a little really less able to be receiving and receptive, frankly, needing. So when I put this little finger out, which is what it feels like right now, maybe even the. Maybe even the fingernail, and something is coming my way, it has such an impact, such a feeling of potential. And I'm just trying to be clear that it's not that nothing's coming my way, it's just. I'M not putting anything out that is really giving the full vulnerability that is really inside me that I can't be nourished. If I don't put it out, I'm guarded.

If I'm guarded, I think between you saying it's not even on the Richter scale, not even 1%, that's really reaching out, and it's a little fingernail is a very honest assessment of how little you're being available to receive nutrients for the most needing side of you, the most wanting side of you, and the confession of that, the responsibility for that, and not putting the responsibility on Susan, and not putting the responsibility on other people, but really wanting to be more responsive for the well being of yourself and others to be exposed, is a real act of faith and courage and trust, and I think will make you happy every moment that you're aware of it.