A four-level model for handling upset: first you blame others, then you own the feeling, then you use self-care to find peace, and finally you stop taking others' behavior personally. The speaker walks through everyday examples like difficult store clerks and partners.
Now we're going to take a look at how we can move from just an ordinary negative emotional reaction to find ways that we have a possibility of moving towards self healing. And it might be helpful to focus on a typical ordinary emotional reaction that isn't very pleasant, where you have a store clerk who has got an attitude with you and you're feeling like, what's her problem? Or what's his problem? Why is he doing this? And you're in a state of really being either angry or maybe perhaps you even feel intimidated or hurt. Now, the ordinary situation is we have no levels of development and we're just in a state of being upset and we're not even aware we're upset. So the first level of development really is we become aware. You know what? I'm upset and I'm upset. Of course it's because of their fault. I mean, they're the one that got me upset. But at least we're aware we're in an emotional state. Now that in some ways shows the sign that perhaps you've been in counseling and you have some level of awareness or you're somebody that's a bit more sensitive and has paid attention to some of your personal growth. Then there's a real turning point where we move to a quantum level where you know what? I'm actually a big boy or I'm a big girl and I recognize it's my emotional reaction and I'm no longer going to stay fixated on because you had an attitude. I feel so. And so I'm actually going to put the focus on I'm in an emotional state. I'm actually in a state of anger or hurt or fear myself, and that's me. And I don't want to keep reinforcing it's because of you. Now, as you're looking at this, apply this to the broadest way possible to your lovers or people that you have any kind of relationship with where they upset you. It might even be helpful to remember when you were in school and you had a lousy school teacher and they're, let's say, barking at you for some reason. And while you're there, you're thinking, oh, this guy, this woman is. What's her trip? What's her problem? I mean, what is she had a bad day. Husband, wife got mad at her. What are you taking out of me for? Well, then you go back to that first level of development where again, you recognize I am angry, I'm hurt, or I'm frightened or intimidated, but it's Your fault again. We go back in move from this first level of development into this quantum, quantum leap where, oh, that's right, I'm upset. It's my emotional reaction. This is the big, big turning point. So take a few moments and just look at the situations. See yourself making that shift from being in this external, apparent emotional reaction to having an internal experience of, it's mine, it's my emotional reaction. Now, in any given point in time, when you're successful at being able to make this shift, then you might be ready to then look at the third level of development, which is how can I possibly care for my emotional self given where I am? And I know I want to be able to create a greater ease or peace and not be caught up in this reaction. And there's a few quick strategies that we could try to employ. One of them is just simply guiding yourself to the state that you would most rather be in. So your mind is your ally rather than your. Your enemy. So you're basically saying to yourself, you know what? I'd really like to be harmless here. I'd really like to be more peaceful. I'd really like to react in a way that is more sensitive than the way that I was just treated. That's a certain kind of just guidance that you're giving yourself. A second alternative is something akin to a prayer to your higher self or your. To whatever your form of God is, whether that be self or other. And you're just asking, may I be as peaceful as possible? May I be as harmless as possible? And a third alternative is to ask yourself the question, how could I possibly respond in a way that would create more peace rather than more disruption? Now, these are three quick strategies that all will help you with this third, very, very unusual but very important level of development for any of us that want to work towards healing our emotional lives. Now, occasionally, when we've really dedicated ourselves a lot in our lives, we have a chance of just arriving at the fourth level of development, which is that we're actually in a state of peace and ease. And usually that comes from having enough maturity where we recognize, you know, this school teacher or this store clerk, they probably have an independent life from us, and they probably have been upset from other things in their lives. And actually their reaction had nothing to do with us. And we start to depersonalize everything and we start to just settle into a state of ease or peace or calm, which is what we were trying to reach in the third level of development. But once in a while, we might just get there on our own. Now, in summary, when we move from our awareness of our own emotional reactivity to then go inward and recognize that it's our reactivity and they're not the ones that are responsible for it, we move towards attempting to heal ourselves. And then occasionally we reach that state of healing, then we're really on the path to attempt to transform our own emotional reactivity into a state of well being and greater peace and something that I think you'll agree with me, that all of us would wish for us for the rest of our lives.
