Our Relationship to Aggression

One of the most important areas of our lives that most of us really haven't given enough attention to is our relationship to aggression. And in our culture, aggression is often treated like sex and death as one of the greatest taboos that we mustn't really open and share and be out in the open about. And I think that is really one of the great human tragedies, because when we hide our aggression, it grows and really has a chance to be a much more destructive force. Whereas when we really want to have a deep relationship to aggression, where we can have it be something that we have a close watch on, it can be one of the most dynamic, life affirming, life giving, passion releasing forces on the planet. So first, it might be helpful to really get clear. When I'm using a word like aggression, what do I really mean? I mean it in the broadest way to include anger, frustration, irritation, impatience, intolerance, contracting your muscles, having your eyeballs roll, any way in which you uniquely find a way of tightening up, you know, literally being uptight. And as I'm saying these words out loud, it's very important that you start to make this personal to you and that you go inside and say, well, what's my way? How do I really either express or experience aggression? One of the things that's important to know about aggression is we all have our unique ways of either expressing it or perhaps just holding it quietly. Some of us have a tendency to be what's classically called passive aggressive. So we don't directly express the feeling, but we just might not show up at our appointment on time, or we might just simply not be interested in being intimate with our partner. So we have a more passive way of showing our aggression. In my whole life experience, one of the things that hasn't been really taught to us is the importance of creating a time and a place and a way to contain our aggression where we can let ourselves feel it to its full intensity, but we actually don't have to do any expression whatsoever. Now, that might seem a little bit strange when you first hear it because we're so used to aggression being something that we express. But really what I'm talking about is taking some time. And perhaps it's on a couch, perhaps at the beach, or maybe it's in the car where you recognize I actually am feeling frustrated or impatient or irritable, and I just want to notice that and let myself breathe and feel it and not do anything with it, because I recognize that if I can contain it and stay aware of it, that I have a chance of not creating harm, which is one of the greatest imperatives and greatest incentives of containing the aggression. One of the other real understandings that hasn't been taught to us is that when we are feeling aggressive or impatient or frustrated angry, that there is always an underlying need or a series of needs that is being thwarted. That is the reason why we are frustrated and aggressive. And so it's very helpful to start to inquire and ask yourself when you're taking this containment time, what is it that I'm actually wanting, that I'm not receiving or getting that's leading me into the state of frustration and impatience Now? Oftentimes it would be common needs like, you want to be appreciated, you want to be understood, you want someone to treat you more kindly. And as you start to become aware of what these needs are, you have this chance of converting this aggressive feeling into something that's starting to show a more positive face. Like, instead of being angry that I'm not getting something, you start to move it towards. I know that I really would like more kindness or more understanding. And you're starting to see just a little bit of a glimpse that I might be able to convert this feeling towards the positive and go towards what I want with more passion, rather than being against with more aggression. Now, later, we're going to go through a series of meditations that will help elucidate each of these points. So if these concepts seem a little bit hard to fully grasp, it's totally understandable. And just know that everything that I'm speaking to is a lifelong practice and something that requires deep dedication. So so far we've covered the importance of creating a space and time where we can contain. We've discovered. And we started to look into the fact that there's some underlying needs or desires that are there, that are being thwarted, that are the source of our anger or aggression. And the third part that we're going to explore is that it's really important when we are interacting with those closest to us and we feel some of these emotions like impatience or irritability, that we don't feel like we have a right to just dump those feelings on those around us. And this is a really radical concept. In my experience, there's less than 1% of humanity that is that sensitive to recognize that when they're in these states, they don't have a right to actually just express it. And in many cases, unfortunately, even though I'm a psychotherapist, the field of psychology has oftentimes encouraged people to express their emotions and hasn't done what I consider to be the most critical piece of wisdom gathering, which is to ask for permission before you have a right to express any form of aggression whatsoever to those that are close to you. Now, as I say this to you, can you remember times in your life where you just spontaneously express your aggression? And isn't it pretty evident to you that what you get back is various forms of resistance? And I'd like you to just start to get beginning glimpses of what it would be like if you were to say to those close to you, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. Is it okay if I express some of that to you now? Just imagine how much they would feel more respected and how much more respectful it would be if you were to express it that way. So these are really radical steps that if you really remember them, which is a great endeavor, they will lead to a greater sense of peace and trust between you and those close to you and allows for the deepest intimacy because no longer are you being that overbearing force inside yourself and acting it out. And of course, part of what can be generated eventually is asking your partner to give you the same consideration. It's very important that you notice your own tendency as we go into the aggression and what your way is of expressing it, or else you're not even going to be able to, A, contain it, B, start to get an understanding of what your needs are underneath it, or C, being able to even be aware enough to ask for permission. Now, with this greater integration of these three parts, it really reflects a great integrity in you. It reflects a great witnessing capacity and a lot of honesty to really develop to this degree. So don't be discouraged if while you're listening to this, you're thinking, oh, I can't do this, can't do that, can't do this. Actually, in reality, if those are your reactions, that's a positive sign. That means you do have the honesty and the integrity to know that you haven't been developed enough to do any of this. My sense is, as I'm speaking about these very important tools, that a very small percentage of people can actually apply them until they start to develop it as a deep practice. And you really can't be too aware of when you are feeling aggressive because that's the source of, of giving yourself a chance of transmuting it from a destructive force, a force that has caused endless wars, endless divorces, and actually giving yourself a chance to express what's much closer to your heart what's really in your core needs so that you have this greater capacity to be close to those around you and be able to become more harmless. Now, you might notice the distinction between being harmful and harmless. And one of the key things is that when you can contain, when you can understand your needs underneath, and when you can ask for permission, all of those are going to create a much greater sense of harmlessness. Each time any of us are really angry, it's so important that we cultivate a depth of practice that allows us A to deepen our capacity to witness and become aware of our anger in all of its forms, and B to be able to start to understand the core needs that exist underneath this anger, and C to be able to start really encouraging yourself to ask for permission with all those close to you so that you can develop this trusting relationship between you and those that you love.