Parenting a Teen is Heart Surgery Part 3

And so there's a sense of feeling as though he does because he's not doing A B or C or his attitude isn't A B or C, that he actually doesn't deserve a really good vibe. And that's my issue with having healthy intimacy.

If he was your father, maybe as a child you could justify because my father was abusive, he didn't deserve a good vibe. But you're his mother, so therefore you're the one that sets the tone. So even if his vibe is really bad, you need to find and dig deep to not have it be about a mutual relationship. Well, his vibe is bad then. Then he doesn't deserve a good vibe. That's treating him like he's a partner, not like he's your son. So that whole way of thinking needs to be uprooted and the joke needs to be seen. And even if he was your lover, you don't. That doesn't work. So you need to inquire deeply, I believe, into is it just sort of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth? Well, somebody gives me a bad vibe, I'm just going to give them a bad vibe. Well, then the whole world is as disturbed as it is. Or is it more? No matter what I get, I want to do my best to bring my heart to the moment, especially with the one that I'm most attached to in the world and the one that I'm most dedicated towards in the world and that I love the most in the world.

And so what are the ways to keep that awareness?

A.

Why in the moment, in the moment of contraction, when I'm thinking, lord, he doesn't even deserve my love in a certain way, at a certain level, how do I stay in relationship to the highest part of of me that saying, no, absolutely. He deserves it and he gets it. And I need to do something about my own heart.

The first thing is, to the degree that you keep asking the question, is my heart open now? And to the degree that that question is sincere, you'll be able to be more constant. So no matter when you're with him, there needs to be an inquirer inside asking, is my heart really open right now? The second thing is because you now see that you are able to delude yourself with your mind, you want to ask a second question which am I deceiving myself right now with believing that he deserves a bad vibe because he's failed my standards? Am I deceiving myself right now? And directly ask that question because you've been deceiving yourself now for the last couple years, that because he's failed your standards, he deserves that contraction, the frustration, impatience, unwittingly keeping a power struggle going on with him, believing that because he's still your standards, that's why you're uptight. Not seeing that because you're uptight. As his mom, you bear significant responsibility from maintaining this struggle. So the second question is that the third place is you go into a prayer where you, in your own words, ask for whatever the quality that you most want to exist to be accessed. So may I be tender, may I be kind, may I be patient, may I be relaxed, may I be alert so I can see and be honest when I'm not. The fourth thing you can do is really look at the quality of the one that's praying, that's asking. And if you're not really in a soft place, asking yourself to be in a soft place, you recognize I'm dangerous. Because if you can't even be soft as you're asking yourself to be tender towards him, you know that you're on edge, you know your nerves are tight, and that's going to radar to him. And so when that's happening, then it's a key. You need more help than just doing it yourself. And you need to come to me or to other people that you love and trust and do what you're doing now, which is to inquire, how do I become more loving as a mom? Because it's what matters most to me. How do I do that? How do I find that vibration? How do I find that tenderness? How do I stop the rationalizations?