Seeing Our Own Aggression & the Vulnerability Underneath

We've known each other a long time. I seem to have found a way to train myself and condition myself into believing that I'm not aggressive. When I'm really aggressive and I don't notice, I think I'm being reasonable. I don't notice my tone. I mean, yeah, after the fact, sometimes, often not. I jab people with my sarcasm. There seems to be a disconnect between what's coming, my direction and my taking it in and then it coming out as aggression and my seeing it as such. I don't see it. I respond to what I think is going on, what I think is reasonable answers or reasonable comments, reasonable actions, and then only I come to find out later it's not. I feel pretty unconscious in certain elements of that part of who I am. And I'd love to have your insight and feedback.

So I think your ego, your self image is pretty attached to seeing yourself as a good guy, as a fair guy. And because of that self image, the sarcasm and the aggressive comments aren't really perceived because they're contradictory with how you see yourself. And so it's really important for you to stay aware, as the questioner just came forward, seeing that you're much more sarcastic and yes, notice the word much more, not just more, much more sarcastic, especially in relationship, than you think you are. Because I think you believe overall that you're really, really reasonable. And because you're also so generous as a partner and as a person in life, you feel like you deserve better treatment. And because you don't give yourself any outlet to be aggressive directly, it builds up inside as a reservoir. So what I believe is needed is for you to ask me, Susan, maybe a couple of other people that are the closest people in your life, can I have five minutes to just really tell you what I'm angry at and just be loose, really loose, and let you have it and at the same time let you know the reason why I'm doing it, which this second part is really critical, is because I'm wanting to be able to ask you for some kind of help. There's some underlying desire or need or desires or needs that I have that have been thwarted, that have left me frustrated, sarcastic and angry. So, for example, you might be upset because you want Susan to trust you, and because she's not trusting you, you're really angry and frustrated, enraged. But because you have to maintain this sense of being a good guy, it just tightens your body and what's needed. If you say to her, can I have five minutes to really tell you how angry I am that you're not trusting me. I'm pissed, I hate it. And look at her in the eyes and really let her know you really dislike it. And then towards the end of it, as best you can. And I want to ask you to trust me. So you find the softer and stronger part of you that's pure, that really wants to be trusted, that gets to the core underlying need or desire. And the difficulty is that really requires you to be open hearted and aware at that moment. And developmentally, this is a place you haven't really arrived at yet.

No question. This is last night, the part I have down. I have no problem getting angry, but and this is something I really want you to to talk to me about right now, that it's not enough for me. I express the anger, but I don't really give it the context to separate it as me. There's not really a structure to it. It's more of a response and a reaction, an extension of my sarcasm really. And it's effective. It scares her. I can be scary when I'm in my rage, really scary. And I know I'm not scary, but it doesn't feel like that from the outside. I haven't set aside a known. This is what I'm going to do.

So it's a pretty good joke to say it's effective.

Take that. I'll take that.

So, yes, it's effective at intimidating her.

Yes.

But then what happens is you stay angry and now she's even more frightened and feels less loved and reinforces the whole cycle. So it's totally ineffectual in the long term. And then you say that you're able to do the first part, which is express the anger. That's not the first part. The first part is asking for permission whether she can be ready. And for everyone listening to this, this is the critical, absolutely critical first step. You have to ask for permission before you express strong emotion. You cannot assume that your partner can handle it because 99.9% of partners can't handle spontaneous aggressive emotions. So you have to ask for permission first. And then you not only have to ask for permission, you need to wait and see if the answer is yes and see if it's a real yes. So then you get the yes, you get the real yes. Then you need to be able to activate and mobilize the real anger and have that hopefully get to a point where you can express what it is you really want from a purer place, meaning in the anger itself. The purpose of expressing feelings is not just catharsis. The purpose is to get to the underlying desires and needs of that are living deep in your heart. And the energy seems like it takes over as if it's an end in itself and it's just a means to get to your heart and to get to her heart.

Say that again. I have a confession just occurred to me. I think I can handle her direct expression of emotion without her asking permission, which happens all the time, and I can't. I'm reacting like hell.

Exactly.

I'm lost. I mean, as soon as she starts mistrusting me or accusing me, you never listen. You don't really care about what I say. It's like I'm a goner. She expresses it with her version of anger, frustration. I'm no better at it than anybody else.

Exactly.

But I think I am.

You thought you were.

I thought I was, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll probably dip into illusion again, but yeah.

So your real awareness is informing you. You're actually nowhere near as good at absorbing as you thought you were.

Exactly.

So now hopefully that's a thank you. That inside yourself, you're actually pleased. Now, maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but my message to you is, hopefully you're pleased, because then what happens is you recognize, actually, I'm quite vulnerable. You probably see yourself as very reactive in sort of an aggressive way, which is true. But underneath that, you're wounded. It's really just hitting such a deep wound. And that's ultimately what we want to get closer to, is the wound, and then the wound is a little bit closer to. I want you to be more gentle with me. I want you to be more trusting of me. I need you to be more trusting of me. It really hurts when you're not. And again, even those feelings we need to get permission to be able to express. And that's the greatest missing piece, generally speaking, in psychology as well. And many times it's a misunderstanding of psychology that people think, well, I'm just expressing my feelings. That's like saying, I'm just throwing dynamite, that's all. And so the most important thing is receiving genuine permission. And then the most important thing is really looking for what you really need and want underneath and attempting to reach it when you're expressing the feelings. And then hopefully you're developing an agreement and an understanding with your partner where you're basically asking them, can you hear what it is that I really am asking for? What I'm needing, what I'm wanting? And you're attempting to get that kind of mirroring, and that's really the healing, and that's a lifelong practice. And none of us are great at it. All of us need help. Sa.