Two people discuss how to set boundaries without being harsh. The advice: ask yourself if a request is considerate or self-centered, imagine how you'd feel if roles flipped, and remember that strength with grace means being purposeful and proportionate, not adversarial.
You said something a minute ago about grace and strength. And when you were talking about it, you said that you're not out to get somebody when you're in your strength. And I realized when you said that that is the boundary issue that I struggle with, because in that moment, it feels as if it's either my boundary or theirs. And so I'm wondering if you have any input on how to work with that struggle.
Well, I think the way to work with that is a deep inquiry of is what I'm asking for really considerate of the other person or the other people? Is this an unreasonable, narcissistic demand, or is this something that if, let's say, grace descended or ascended upon us, that would just seem like a healthy line in the sand? Well, you get to play over here and I get to play over there. And so the inquiry of, does this include a sense of otherness in a balanced sort of way? Is this something that I really would be okay with if someone was saying that to me? And the grace comes from not taking sides and it feeling like you could be either person and it would feel healthy looking at it through four eyes or six or eight or a thousand. And that quality of strength and grace really has a flow to it. It's a strong flow, but again, it's only as strong as needed. So it's always for something. It's for what is needed, not against something, which is another feature of strength and grace meeting. So if you really want something, instead of saying, I really don't like this, you're really saying, I would really like this. And you're just looking for that place where you hit the mid zone where you're not trying to overpower somebody.
