Two speakers break down what real strength looks like in how you talk to people. It's not about volume or dominance, but a mid-range tone calibrated to who you're talking to, paired with timing, precision, and the ability to set boundaries without escalating. They call it gracious strength.
So relating to the topic of strength and power, are there different levels that go into exerting strength?
Yeah, definitely there are different levels. I mean, there are different levels of the tone of voice. So the tone of voice can be anywhere from way too low or way too high, because real strength has a mid tone. It's like most people think of strong as being a 10, when real strength, in my experience, is more like a 5, and many people are a 1 or a 10. What that means is that you're able to speak passionately with a sense of people taking you seriously, but you're really interested in being relational. And that means that you're speaking just to the capacity of the person to hear you, the optimal tone where they can hear you. So that's one part a gradient of a level. The second part is, how's your timing and consideration? Is the timing and the consideration where a person's actually with you and present, Are you able to say to them something that would be, let's say, preparing them so that they can hear your strength? So you might say to them, for example, I would really like to say something to you that's really important to me. Is now a good time? So there's a consideration, there's some kind of caring. Now, most people, again, don't see that as a level of importance when they're expressing strength. Strength is seen as just a decibel level or as just a grunt or a power. And then there's a boundary with the strength. You're asking for something and there's a clarity or an intelligence. Are you saying the exact level that you want to say? Because you might be saying three times more than you want to say, or you might be saying one third of what you want to say. So there's a precision in strength as well. So all of those really together represent a sense of strength. Now, as I say that, how does that kind of hit you or touch you?
It's nice to hear it broken down. So the way that it hits me is, oh, that makes a lot of sense. And I'm also becoming aware at which one is where I get hooked, where it's the most difficult, where I spiral out. So it's helpful to have it broken down.
So where do you spiral out?
I spiral out with a boundary.
Yeah. So you have the boundaries be too strong or too little or not clear.
Not clear.
Okay, so that's a really good thing. Oh, I spiral out with not being clear. The other thing that is really important is when you need to express strength, it always relates to our relationship to aggression or anger or frustration or impatience. So another feature is being able to tame and be aware of our aggression so that it doesn't bleed in and make the decibel level go too high, or if our tendency is to feel unentitled and meek, not to let it get too low. So all of those are really just such a wonderful component of gracious strength. And I think grace is a word that paradoxically works very well with strength, and it allows it to have dignity and recognize its real strength isn't narcissistic. Real strength is actually setting a boundary that's sane for everybody. And so, like that deep breath you're taking right there, it's like it creates a certain kind of peace, because you're not trying to get somebody, you're just standing up for what is a sensible truth.
