A client stuck between passivity and aggression after a bank clerk refused to waive a fee learns the difference: aggression is either attack or submission, while strength is firm boundary-setting. The coach offers a script for what to say and an inner witness practice to break the automatic pattern.
I was hoping to pick your brain today about an issue that has been reoccurring for me. And I realized it the other day with a bank clerk that had promised me a while ago that he would not charge me the monthly fee for my business account. And yet month after month, I found the charge on there. And so I called to talk to him about it, and he completely denied telling me that he would ever waive the fee. And I felt this old familiar feeling come up of feeling really stuck because part of me was angry and wanted to say, no, I know I'm right. And then the other part of me just completely froze and wanted to be nice and say, oh, okay. And then I hung up the phone feeling frustrated and angry and unprotected and a lot of negative familiar feelings. So what it brought me to was wanting to ask you about the difference between aggression and power.
That's a great question. Staying with that example, aggression would be either saying something outwardly that would be uptight, saying essentially, that's not what you told me, or inwardly just feeling that and just being passive. But strength would be very clear that it wants to be considerate of the other person. It wants to be boundaried. It wants to be just the right amount of passion so that it doesn't blow out the person you're talking to, but they're going to take you seriously and incredibly resourceful. So in that situation, it would be something like, I want you to know this is what I heard you say. And on the second round, I'm going to be prepared to go to your supervisor. And furthermore, because I have a couple of other people that were there when you had said this to me, we'll have a few of us go there. And I really don't want to do that, but I'm prepared to do whatever it takes. So who is your supervisor if need be so we can have a conversation? Now, as I say that, what does that stimulate in you?
Admiration, Appreciation. And I can feel a part of me, it feels like I couldn't do that. It seems completely articulate when you say it, but even when you were explaining the dynamics of getting to that point, I felt lost.
So where are you lost, and what do you think you can't do?
I feel a little bit. I think one of the issues is I feel the aggression come up in that situation. And in that moment, I feel so caught up in the feeling that I feel like my only choices are to be passive or to be aggressive. So it's hard to find that middle way okay.
So you recognize that your true strength, which is an essential part of you, isn't accessible to you because the aggression is acting like it's the truth. It's acting like it's righteous. It's acting like it's God. And so you need to have a relationship to the aggression and a witness that can say, hello, aggression. I know you think you're the way, but I am looking at you, and you haven't served my life very well. And you develop a voice that is a witnessing voice that sees all the times you've used aggression, and that witness is able to see that it just hasn't worked out very well. Now, is that true? I mean, is that actually true for you? Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
So you plant a seed that every time I experience aggression, I want to be able to foster the part of me that's a witness that can see it doesn't work out very well when I just either express or suppress. And after I see a critical mass of that, I want to ask myself, what is real strength? And one of the things that I'm proposing is real strength has boundaries. It has just the right amount of passion to meet the person. It's considerate of the other person because it doesn't have to blow them away. And it has a tone that's sort of resonant and full in your chest, and it actually feels like a healthy lion. But you don't need to dominate anybody, and you're very confident that you're able to express what is needed to be expressed. But for you right now, the major thing is deepening your witness of the aggression, being really appreciative of your honesty, that you want to witness your aggression, and then keep looking at your whole life experience. How does it work out when I just express or I just suppress? And then once you see that enough, then you ask yourself, what would real strength look and feel like? And then you're on your way towards finding that more essential strength.
