The Importance of Presence Rather than "Knowing"

As a therapist and counselor, we're taught many different techniques, many different approaches, things that work for many different ailments, illnesses, states that people come to us with. And it seems like what you're saying is this is one circumstance where technique pat approaches preconceived agendas. Looking down my schedule of clients and saying, okay, this is happening. And just kind of. It's a different kind of thing altogether. And then in effect, it's the one place it sounds like you're saying, where it's helpful to feel our own inadequacies, that it's helpful to feel we don't know all the answers, as opposed to what many patients come to us with, which is, I'm coming to you because I'm hoping you do know the answers. It's almost like everything gets turned on its head.

I think, especially the idea that you're the expert and that you have the answers in some kind of way, I'm going to help you so that you can die. Well, for sure. And the best we can hope for is to come in with a sense of profound insecurity in a way that you aren't sure that you can really support the person to go anywhere. What your priority is, may I support you to be present as much as possible in what you're experiencing is present. So if your presence is actually experiencing a conversation about the news, and that's it for the whole time I'm with you, I want to rely on the fact that I'm going to be fully present with you and you're going to experience my caring heart while you tell me about the news. And so the priority becomes your inner state of being that wants to support the person to be wherever they are, but it has nothing to do with really having an agenda that they're going to get somewhere. Now, in the back of our minds, of course, we're looking for opportunities, if they present themselves, to allow the person to express whatever they want to express. If they have emotions that are there and they look like just an encouraging question would help them open up, of course we're going to do that. If they have any unfinished business with some family member, of course we're going to ask them about that. But the key thing is that we're going in as someone that really is almost like a loving sidekick rather than a top dog.

So it's as if you're saying then that I'm a loving sidekick, a skilled friend, but with the skills if the opportunity arises, but not forcing myself to use my skills because that's my agenda, but looking for those opportunities, those moments.

And that's where the awareness that you really would love for the person to be able to experience their emotional state wherever they are, of course, that would be a healing experience like it would be at any stage of our life. But unlike therapy, every individual needs much more control of their own destiny when they're dying. And so in this situation, yes, we're always looking for that slight receptive look in the eye or always looking for a question underneath a comment they're making. But we're definitely not leading with our agenda. If we're paying attention to what's needed for caring for the person that is dying.

Are there any other signs we can be looking for?

Sure. A person's tone of voice is always a sign as to what state they're in, whether their words actually come close to matching the tone of voice. So let's say, for example, they're very sad, but their words are never reflecting anything about their sadness. That would be really, pardon the expression, a dead giveaway. If they're in a state of humor where they're showing some kind of reflection on being able to see the absurdity of their life and the things that they did in their life and now they have a perspective, you, of course, are going to want to ask more questions about that.