A man married 20 years describes withdrawing from his wife when he feels doubted. Instead of blaming her, he learns to name the pattern, share it openly, reconnect with tenderness in himself, and ask close friends for help breaking the cycle.
You know, I don't know how it happened, but I've been married for 20 years. It's a shock to me. But throughout this whole time being a man, it seems to be. Seems to be the case when I get into a situation where I'm not trusted and I'm challenged, I'm doubted, I withdraw. I can't believe that my intentions can be doubted, that my heart and my good will isn't seen. And it seems like fundamentally it's impossible so far for me to get over it. I have this reaction, and I want to respond with logic, and I want to reason it through, and I want to talk about the feelings that are in front of me with Susan, my wife, as being based in some problem she has, but certainly nothing to do with me, and it just doesn't work. Help me.
So what you're talking about is the completely universal dilemma facing all of us in relationship.
I'm not unique.
As our friend Bruce wrote in his book titled Our Relationship would be great if it wasn't for you. So it's such a evolutionary step to take much greater interest in our own defensive reactions rather than look at what triggered us. And what you're talking about when you're referencing your own withdrawal is, of course, that. And being a professional withdrawer in my life, it happens to be an area of personal expertise. And so the first step is, okay, I withdraw. And that is a way in which I withhold love. It's not just what might be called a protection. It's actually a form of stopping love. Just like whatever the trigger is that you're experiencing with Susan and for all men, it is so critical to see your own withdrawal as a form of withholding love. So the first thing is that the second thing is to be willing to share openly with Susan, with our partners. I want you to know that, let's say, as emotional as you might become, my withdrawal mechanism is an equal or let's just say a significant component of this dynamic. And I want to be upfront about that. Now what we're doing is we're dishing up our own defenses rather than just fixating on our partner's defenses. So that's the first thing. The second thing is after we're sharing it, we get in touch with the more pure part of ourselves, which says, and I really don't want to be caught in that. I really want to find a way where I can open, where I can start to be more tender, more soft. And I'm really struggling. And of course, if we want to be outrageous. We go, and it's because you. And then you catch yourself and you go back inside and you say, okay, you've been doing this now for how many years? So I want to be able to just have a deeper relationship with myself so that I can have a real relationship with you. So I'm caught in this struggle where I'm withdrawing and I'm trying to open my heart. And I want to let you know that's where I am. So then the next step, if we get that far, is we can start entering into something like a prayer where you humble yourself a little bit. May I open my heart as much as possible. Even if she doesn't behave, even if she isn't responding like we want her to. Then when we can't do that, may I recognize my own feelings of inadequacy, my own helplessness, my own sadness that I can't open my heart. May I become harmless. So that's the third step. And if we can be that humble to be helpless and harmless, sad, sorrowful, then we're really in quite an exquisite kind of openness. And that's very hard for us to tolerate. And that's what we, as friends can give each other. We can help support in each other. Let me help you not fixate on her. Let me help you really stay focused on ourselves. Of course, that's been one of the great parts of our relationship, is that we aren't interested in really trying to criticize our partners, at least most of them. So then when we can really stay in that primary relationship to the helplessness and the withdrawal and the feelings of inadequacy, it's like, can you help me be more tender towards myself and my struggle? So I rely on you, I rely on my closest friends to say, boy, I appreciate the fact that you're not looking at her, that you're not interested in blaming her. I appreciate the fact that you're really earnestly trying to deal with your own withdrawal and your own helplessness and your own feelings of inadequacy. That's a deep developmental stage of growth. That's a real blending of spiritual and psychological growth. Congratulations.
Preference.
Yeah, I think there's a preference to have it be relational to the audience and have it be. I think that's my preference to keep going there. If you can think of anything that would be related to the degree. For example, the difficulty in expressing, finding a way to deal with your aggression.
Do I have that problem?
Exactly. Because it could demonstrate the need for permission and the whole thing, that whole thing. Because it's not just withdrawal that you have. You also have sarcasm. Piling on sarcasm. You're piling on sarcasm and little criticisms and intellectual superiority and all that sort of thing. You could go there.
I thought I did pretty well. I gave you three.
Yeah.
Grabbing a lot of stuff here.
I'm a greedy dancer. How long have you had.
We run out of time yet?
