This is a YouTube video titled "Using Resentment to Wake Up" containing a recorded conversation from October 2010. The dialogue features Robert J. Strock and another speaker discussing the emotional experience of resentment, its underlying needs, and how to express those feelings constructively. The conversation explores psychological insights and practical advice on transforming resentment into self-awareness and healthier communication.
So, Robert, I've seen you talking about our underlying needs and vulnerabilities and the defenses that we have that cover these things up. And for me, the defense that comes out most often, I think, is resentment. And I really. I hate that part of myself, and I hate that feeling. It feels like a really ugly, unwelcome feeling for me, and I really don't understand it, and I don't know how we can address it and get beneath what's there.
Well, first of all, it's great. It's that you're aware of the resentment that many people aren't. And it's also great that you're aware of that you hate it. And from an attempt to heal yourself and to heal others, it's important to recognize hating the resentment is your superego and that really, what you want to try to do is to care for the resentment and allow yourself to develop a voice that's saying to yourself, okay, resentment, what is it that you're really resenting? What are you really mad at? What is it you really don't like? And as I'm speaking to you, look and imagine the most recent intense resentment that you've had and see if you can identify what it is that you really don't like and give yourself permission instead of hating the resentment, if it's possible, see if you can support the resentment to be there so it can help you see what it is that you don't like. And so if you even exaggerated it and you went, I really don't like this. I hate this. What would be an example of something you would just say, I resent.
Oftentimes I feel that I'm. That I'm taking care of others and that I'm always. I'm always making sure that everyone's okay, and I feel resentful that sometimes that's not returned. And if I look beyond that and what's. Why I'm. Why the resentment's there and what I'm feeling when I feel that resentment, I feel uncared for and unimportant.
Right. Okay. So what you're identifying really pretty early on is what your underlying needs are, which is you want to be cared for, and that part of you isn't expressing itself in a way that's coming into the interaction enough and into the exchange with whomever you're resenting. And so the anger or the resentment is actually an ally helping you identify what it is that your needs are. Because the resentment is saying, I resent that you're not caring for Me, I resent that you're not helping me. But of course, you probably haven't told them that most of the time, it's just going on inside you. And maybe magically, you're hoping they'll read your mind like most of us. And so the resentment is giving you a chance to recognize that you have needs that you want to uncover. So imagine that you were to say some version of, I'd like you to care for me in this way. Can you think of an example where you might be able to say that to somebody that's important to you?
I think showing interest would be a big part of that for me. Just having someone check in and say, how are you? What's going on with you?
Okay, so feel that. Just imagine that you're planting a seed right now that every time you're resentful, you're doing a certain kind of inquiry inside yourself. You're questioning and saying, what is it that I'm wanting? What is it that I'm needing that I'm not getting that's leading me to feel resentful? And after a while, you start to get even a little bit pleased that you're aware you're resentful because you recognize it gives you a handle on discovering what your needs are and desires are. And then it becomes an art of how do you ask for what you want or need and not express it in a way that's just resentful. So, for example, usually what happens is if we're resentful and we discover, yes, because I want so and so and I deserve it. And then we go, you know, I wish you would just do so and so. And what's really needed is not only to discover what we need, but also to learn how to express it in a way that can assume some degree of innocence or caring or trust. And that's where the real challenge comes in. And so when you just said, it would be nice if you asked me how I'm doing or take an interest in me, you said that actually quite beautifully. Do you think that you could do that in the situations you're talking about?
I think that I have to, because with me, I feel that if I let the resentment go, I become manipulative. And that's where the resentment leads. And I'll. I'll say it, but I'll say it in a way that's hurtful in my point. I feel that I'm expressing my point when I'm expressing it in a way that's putting someone down or just Being mean and uncaring and reflecting that back. And I would like to be able to express it in a way that's productive.
And when you're saying it, you're talking about what you want or need or.
The resentment, it being the resentment.
So what's really important is that you really access what the desire or need is and you zero in on that. And that you use the awareness of resentment as a catalyzer of, oh, I have a need here. What is that? And that you take great interest not only in your own personal life, but you as a counselor. You get a chance with everybody you're with to support them, to feel where they are, and then to continuously inquire with them. Well, I wonder what it is that the need is that's underneath that. So staying with a personal level for the moment, the important thing is, can you visualize yourself? And if you can, just say it out loud, because it'll help anchor it. Saying what it is that you want. And just in your own visualization, imagine you're really there and sincerely ask for what it is that you want.
Again, I need you to listen to me for a second and just be there with me.
So that's a great start. A slight tweak. When you say, I need you to listen to me, there's a slight element of demanding. And when you say something like, I would really like you to if you could, then what you're doing is you're treating the other person respectfully and caringly. And equally importantly, you're giving yourself the best chance of being heard because the other person isn't feeling judged. The other person is feeling that you're actually treating them with respect and giving them a chance to care for you.
