Better Lives With Betsy: Parenting Session 2

Good morning, sunshine. I am happy to be here with you guys today. I am going to begin with a summary of what we spoke about last week, I mean, last month, so that it serves as a refresher. And now that you've processed a little bit what we talked about, maybe you understand what it means, right? Like, when we listen to something, we're, like, processing first, and then when we are exposed to that in our lives with our children and our families. And it makes sense at that point. So let me begin with a brief summary. Okay. Okay. We talked about abcde, which helps us remember five of the most important concepts that we need to remember during our parenting experience. The A starts. Sorry about that.

Okay.

That A stands for acceptance. And what I mean by this is we have an idea of how our kids are going to be. We have an idea of how we want them to be and what kind of children we want to raise. And then, you know, we wanted someone who was really smart in school and very applied, and it turns out that they have, like, they're not book smart, they're street smart, and they have, like, pilas, and they have the ability to create and be sociable and do all these things that are amazing as well, but are not necessarily what we had in mind or we had. We wanted someone more traditional and that our daughter is more eccentric and, like, so certain things that are not aligned with what we wanted our girly girl to like. Or maybe it's a boy that we imagine was going to be super athletic and is more of a creative or has a different sexual identity or orientation to the one that we had in mind. Like, there's so many ways in which our children can amaze us and surprise us and not meet up our expectations, and that's okay. So acceptance is about embracing who our child is or has chosen to or what identities our child has chosen to partake in. That doesn't mean that if our children are doing things that may be harming them, we don't do anything about it. And we're like, oh, we have to accept this. It just means that instead of forcing our idea of what our child is supposed to be, we welcome and accept and embrace who he or she is. Right. Like, it's a matter of accepting realities. Acceptance is something we proactively seek, and it is incredibly healing and powerful for any aspect of our lives. It's really powerful because it allows them to be. And it allows us. It frees us from the expectation and the paradigms as to what it's supposed to be. Based on our idea of parenting, acceptance is just being able to see the good in our child, regardless of whether or not he or she meet our expectations. B stands for becoming. Becoming our true self. Understanding our triggers and using our parenting experience to learn more about ourselves. I always say that the best way to become the best version of ourselves is by unbecoming. Because we, as human beings, as parents, have become. We've created a story, a narrative based on the paradigms that we inherited from our parents, from our society, from. From all the experiences we've had in our lives. And we've put labels on ourselves and what it's supposed to be. We think that our children are a reflection of who we are. So then we use them. We use our children to make us look good. Like, how many times I've even thought and said this. How many times have we looked at our children and being like, me, siste que arman, like, like, you made me look really bad when you did that. Like, how could you do that in front of this or that? And in the end, our children are their own little people or big people, and they're here. We think that they're here for us to teach them. And the truth is that they're here to teach us. And they teach us how to become by unbecoming, right? Like, how to unlearn that are preventing us from connecting to them. Because children are really close to that higher power that I call God, and you may call whatever you believe in. And children, children are way more pure, and they don't have as many labels and identities attached to them as we do. So they model to us how to unbecome, how to unlearn those paradigms that are preventing us from connecting with them. So whenever we want to help your child be better, become better yourself. And that's what the be in parenting stands for. C is for communication. And we oftentimes want our children to meet us where we're at, and we want them to talk to us the way we want them to talk to us. God knows I've tried that many times. I always wanted my parents to go pick me up at school, and they couldn't because they were working. And when they did, they picked me up, like, three hours later. So I longed for that. And now I make sure that I schedule my. That I have my schedule around the possibility of picking up my kids. And I want to be the first one to pick them up, and I want to be the first one that they see when they get out of school. And I On my way there, I'm thinking about, how am I going to ask them about their day today? Because every time I would ask, it'd be like, fine, Good. Okay. So I was like, okay, let me get creative. And there was no question I could ask that would make them give me the answer that I was hoping for. Like, a more elaborate answer, something, you know, like, I wanted them to share, but that's not what they wanted. They wanted to communicate, you know, while playing, while on a date with me, individual day with me. At nights when they're supposed to be sleeping and they're, you know, they want to talk a lot at night because they don't want to go to sleep. So those are their times. So communicating in their language and at their time will be more powerful in building relationship with our kids. Now, it may be a little easier with younger kids, but when it comes to teenagers or young adults, it's really hard to understand these people. I still don't know what some of these things mean. So communicating at their level and meeting them where they're at, even if they're teenagers, and this is way easier said than done, is really powerful. So there's been times that, you know, that I've told my clients, like, listen, if you're in a restaurant and your child is on the phone and it's really annoying, that happens. I know. Can you please mute everybody? There's an opportunity for you to. Speak their language, right? Like, and in the restaurant example, you could text, you know, you could text your daughter or your son and be like, hey, honey, you look really beautiful today. Would you mind sharing, you know, spending some time with us without the phone, or, like, saying it in a way that's not, like, judgmental or in the form of, you know, scolding or, like, you're always on your phone, which is really what we feel like saying, because it's true, right? If you do it in a way that connects with them. If you. If you use one of these, like, omg, you look so beautiful. Like, you know, what the heck? Wth, you know, Wouldn't you like to hang out with us? Like, if you. If you speak your language and make it funny and include humor, that would allow you to connect with your child much better than if you just do the adult thing, which is to scold them and say, put away your phone. That's so inappropriate. Which I do. I do. Still, sometimes we have the grace to do these things, and other times we forget everything that we've learned. But there's always an Opportunity to try again. So that's what this is all about. The idea of doing these workshops is to remind ourselves that there's always an extra opportunity when we've messed up. So at C for communication, D is defeat. This is probably the most important, one of the most important things for everybody, not just in parenting, but in life. Embrace defeat. Embrace defeat. We want to protect our children from failure, from. From feeling sad, from being excluded. Today's the last day of school for me, for my kids. And there was. There was a situation in which, you know, a lot of kids were invited to a house, but then just a few weren't invited. And. And. And I was talking to a mom, and she was like, she was in pain. She was hurting for her child because she's like, man, like they did, you know, they excluded him. And I could feel her pain, and that comes naturally to me. So I would feel that way too. But then I remind myself, it's okay, first of all, we don't have to be invited to everything, right? Like, I can invite everybody to my house when I do something at my house. So understanding that it's okay, like, we don't have to be invited to everything. And our kids get to learn about rejection. They get to learn how to cope and build resilience and rejection. And they learn to be less, like, take things, to not take things personally and let them slide and be like, it's okay, you know, they don't have to invite me to everything, like, next time maybe, or, you know, work harder on being someone that becomes attractive enough to be invited. You know, like, there's so many things that can come into play. There's also the parents. Excuse me, the parents side, right? Like, sometimes parents, unfortunately, are. Contribute to the. To the division, but everything in the end works out because when our children grow and they're the ones making the decisions as to who they're going to get together with, they would know how to choose because we've allowed them during their childhood to understand and be okay with. You know, sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. It's defeat is. Or pain or discomfort or whatever we want to call it failure that is the key to success. Because defeat and failure and pain and discomfort are the emotions that trigger your proactivity, that enable you to build resilience, to work on something, to try to get rid of that discomfort. So us depriving our children from experiencing bullying, defeat, rejection, discomfort is also preventing them from experiencing the growth in resilience and in strength that comes from Those experiences. So allowing and embracing defeat is important. And the E in the ABCDE is lead by example. We oftentimes are like, don't fight with your brother and be responsible and don't talk like that. And, you know, like, we say all these things and we're trying to teach our kids all these amazing, amazing lessons, but then we do the opposite, right? And if I'm telling my kids, don't be fighting with your kid like your brother, but then I'm, you know, my husband and I are cats and dogs, what am I modeling to him? Or if I tell him, don't be aggressive or don't hit her, but I'm screaming on the top of my lungs, which I have done many times, then what am I teaching them? Like, kids, really, Kids learn. Well, everybody learns more by example, by modeling than they do than we do by listening to something. Like if we go to a new job or if they tell us, like, oh, you have to download this new app and get on this, sign up and do this and that. One thing is for you to hear it, and another thing is for you to see someone actually doing it. And when you see someone teaching, okay, so this is how you sign up to this app, or this is how you do this job, or this is how you fulfill this task, Then it's easier. And I guess that's the reasoning behind it. When we show them what being kind looks like, what communicating assertively looks like, what respect means, when we teach them that example, then we are. We win. We win because they get it. And even when we think they don't.

Get it, they get it.

They get it. Eventually they surprise us and we realize that we haven't wasted our time all along. Okay, so that's the review from last week. A is acceptance. B is becoming. Use your parenting experience to become better, to reparent yourself and give yourself the things that your parents didn't give you. C is for communication, and that includes meeting them where they're at. D is for defeat. Embrace defeat and failure. And E is for example, lead by example. So that's the review from last week. I am going to share two more things that will be the only content for this week with the idea that I give you time to ask questions. Today is not about me speaking all the time. It's about me answering your questions. So I had a lot of emails from you guys asking many different things. So I'm like, you know what? Instead of me creating something, I'd rather tailor each response to your own needs. So if you could please ask the questions in the chat. You could do it publicly, or you could do it in person. You know, you could unmute yourself and ask me, or you can just write it in the chat, privately or publicly. Okay, if. Okay. So two things that I wanted to share today that I think apply to all of the questions that you've asked me or everybody really, in general, are number one, paradigms. Paradigms are belief systems that are so ingrained in us that we see them as facts. Right? So, for example, and by the way, we all live and our lives are all informed by our paradigms. So there's a. I had the paradigm that kids should bury their parents, right? Like, I think it's a. It's a paradigm that society has had instilled in me. And because I had the paradigm that kids bury their parents, when I had the experience of burying my daughter, I had a really hard time accepting that. And we previously talked about the importance of acceptance in life. Proactively seeking acceptance. I accept this moment exactly the way that it is. Well, if you have a paradigm that your child is supposed to be a certain way, that your child shouldn't be, so that your child shouldn't, should be more sociable, that he or she shouldn't have add or shouldn't be so hyperactive that, you know, like, that your child should like dresses instead of, you know, eccentric black gothic clothes, and that she should like certain shows instead of anime or, you know, or video games. If you have these ideas or paradigms, belief systems that are like facts for you that say that your children should act a certain way or be a certain way, that they're not, it's going to be really hard to accept them. So really, before working on your abcde, I think it is important to explore what your paradigms are like, what are your ideas, your beliefs as to how your children should be. And understanding that paradigms, though they feel like facts are not, they're still beliefs and interpretations, you then have the power to change them. We have the opportunity. If a paradigm isn't serving us, we have the opportunity to change it and actually the responsibility to do so. So my son is. He's very athletic and he's really good with numbers, but he's not. He's not that good with words. And I remember when he was younger, I would say that a lot, not to. Not in front of him, but when I was describing him, I would tell people, yeah, he's not good with words. Like, oh my gosh, he can't communicate for his Life, like it takes him forever. And then I'm like, oh crap, right? Wait, you know, because here's the thing about paradigms. We think, no, Betsy. But trust me, this is true about my son because I didn't come up with, I didn't make this up. I saw it like this was happening and then that's where I got it from. But there's something really important that. This is my favorite concept in psychology. It's called self fulfilling prophecy. Prophecy is when you say something's going to happen and it does happen, and self fulfilling implies that you contributed to it happening. So it's true that sometimes people present themselves in a certain way. Like my son wasn't really good about communicating. So then I'm like, oh yeah, he's not the communicator and he's just a numbers guy and he's not, you know, he's like, oh, he's just like my dad and he's just like my brother and you know, he doesn't talk. And, and I caught myself and I'm like, whoa, wait a minute. Self fulfilling prophecy. Like I am going by me, by me confirming that he's not good with words. I make it real, right? Like maybe when he was younger he had a hard time expressing his emotions, he had a hard time expressing himself like using words. But that doesn't mean that he can't become better at it or that he's, or that that defines him, right? Like, my son has amazing qualities that are, that are a much better definition of who he is as a person. So using this to already label him as, yeah, he's not the kid that can communicate is was harming him. And even if I didn't tell him to his face, I was going to be treating him as a person who can express himself. So whenever he tried to say something, of course I would jump in and be like, so you're trying to say this so. Or I would complete his sentences. I wouldn't give him a chance. Then how is that going to contribute to him becoming better at speaking? No, that's only going to set him up for what I thought was his, you know, his reality. Right. So when we create paradigms for our children is I guess what I'm trying to explain. And although our children may have earned some of the reputations that we engage in and that we give them, it is important that we don't, we don't fit them in that box of what we interpreted they are or is a quality of theirs. And so as soon as I Realized like, oh, crap, I shouldn't be saying this. I started instead seeing the times in which my son expressed himself correctly and admiring that and realizing that he has a different way of expressing himself. It's not that he's not good with words, is that he. He uses more than words, right? And I know from my schooling that 97% of communication is non verbal. So whether he's good with words or not doesn't even matter because he can express himself. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. So he's really good about conveying an emotion even without saying words. And that's where his power and his strength lies. And now whenever he's telling me a story, he'll take three hours to tell me something he could have told me in a minute. He's. He takes after his mother, by the way, and he like it. You know, it's a little exasperating at times for my other kids, but I just wait. I sit and I wait for him to tell me the story. And then I realized, you know, all he had to say was one sentence, but he said it in three paragraphs, and that's okay. That's. That's how he expresses himself. And then I also started saying, like, papa, use your words. Use your words. You're really good. Like, you got this. And he began using more his words and in fact learned a little more Spanish in the process. So I realized that it's not that he's not good with words, is that he maybe needed a little more help or a little, you know, like someone to, like to allow him to try harder. And I was able to be the vessel to provide him with that opportunity. So if you think of our children, of your children, what are things that you think of them? Like, for example, I have. Excuse my language. And I hope there's no kids around. But I had a client who told me, like, you know, Betsy, when kids turn 13, boys turned into a holes and girls turn into witches with a B, right? And I know teenage years are really hard, but if you're already coming from that paradigm, Tony Robbins says you cannot help he or she whom you're judging. And that's true, right? Like, if we're already judging our kids in a certain way, we can't help them. We can guide them. We cannot because we, by the way, we're not supposed to guide our children the way we think we need to gu. Or the way our parents did, or the way society says we're supposed to guide them based on their guidance of what they need for guidance, if that makes any sense. Like, they're the ones guiding us so that we know how to guide them. And what that means is we are meant to guide our children into becoming their best self, but they're the ones, the only ones responsible for helping us understand what that would look like. Their best self is not what we had in mind. Their best self is what they were meant to become. And we're all unique and we're all different. So applying one rule to an individual that's so different and unique is unfair. And that's why, just so you know, if your child is pushing back on you, that is a sign that you are not guiding him the way that he or she needs to be guided. So if you have a teenager who's constantly, like, locking him or herself in the room, who's constantly, like, pushing back on you, who rolls his or her eyes every time, you know, he or she gets a chance, who says, you're ruining my life, you don't get it. Like, you know, it's. It may sound like he or she's being a brat. And sure, there's some of that. It may sound as entitlement, and I'm sure there's some of that. But it may also be that you are just not getting what he or she is supposed to become and be, and you're trying to force him or her to be something they're not. So use those signs to help you understand what's going on. So paradigm is the first thing. I always like to give this example because it resonated a lot when I read it. Stephen covey, from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was sharing in his book when he was talking about paradigms, that one of his sons was unguanajo. I don't know if everybody speaks Spanish, but his son was unguanajo. Like, he couldn't do sports for his life. Like, he was. He was not sociable. He wasn't like. Like an attractive man, sexy, popular. Like he was. He was a bit of a nerd and just not sociable and a little socially awkward, actually. And he, like, he wanted to compensate, like, overcompensate and be like, you know, like, be his cheerleader. And you got this. You can do this. And he was like, I've done everything as a parent to help him, you know, thrive, but he was doing everything as a parent from the paradigm that he was un guanajo. So if that's how you see your child, as a guanajo, as someone that can't Communicate for his life as dumb in math because he can't get math for his life as not smart enough, you know, not kind enough. Like, whatever your paradigm is about you, a hole, a wage, you know, like if, if that's your paradigm, your belief system, your definition of who your child is because they're driving you crazy, then all your interventions are going to be based on that. And your child, though you may be doing the right thing, your child's not going to feel that you're doing the right thing because you're coming from a place, the same place that everybody else is. So if you're child is being bullied at school and you see him as un guanajo, right, then you can't help him because you're just like everybody at school, except you do the right thing, right? Like you don't bully him and you're kinder, but you still think of him or her the way the other people think. So you're just like them. And we don't realize that by seeing our children the way we fear other people see them, we're harming them because we're not seeing through. We're still seeing them based on the expectation we have of how they should be. We're not accepting them. But when we start looking at our children who are different, who don't have the skills that we wanted them to have, and we start like admiring them and like, wow, man, he's really good in video games that like, and you, you try to play those video games, if you sit down and you play those video games, you're gonna realize how hard it is, right? Like, you have to be so coordinated and quick and like, I mean, every time I go to game time, I tried some things and I can never get points or tickets for my life. So if you're able to see like their skills and their gifts and their kindness and the love, and then you're not going to be seeing them the same way other people are seeing them. And again, 97% of communication is non verbal. It's in the tone and the energy in the nonverbal expressions. So if you think of your child in a different way, without saying a word, you're going to make him or her feel differently. Understanding that paradigms are probably the beginning of everything. We have to, we have to go to the core and see how we view our children or the people around us before we try to do things right. Like, people come to me, give me tools, give me tools that I can use so that I can help my Child be the way I want him or her to be. But you're missing the point, right? Because the idea is not to make them become who they want. You want them to become. The idea is to help them become who they were meant to be. To be. Because your child has a purpose. And I saw a movie recently. Gosh, I can't remember. Greater maybe is the name I saw a movie recently of. It's a. It's based on a true story of a football player who. Who was overweight and went through, like, a lot of things, and he persevered. It's a beautiful. Oh, my gosh. It's. It's. It's good for the soul, this movie. I want to say it's called Greater. And there was a part in which the son says, like, mom, you know, I'm fat. Or people say I'm fat. And she said, no, you're not fat. You're big boy. You're strong boy. And God has a purpose for your strength. And then he became a football player, famous football player. And he needed to be big. In fact, they asked him to gain weight. So I thought it was really cool because we think, oh, you know, this person is like this. But in our universe, we need someone who is big and fat and skinny and joyful and, you know, negative and, you know, optimistic and realist. And we need everything. We need everything in this world. And everybody has a purpose. So in order to serve our purpose, we need to be who God created us to be. And oftentimes, we parents just want to change that because we think we're God. I think I'm God sometimes, and I have learned it the hard way that I'm not. And I'm still learning it. So that takes me to the second thing I wanted to share with you today, and that is that in order to see who our children are meant to be and to be guided by them so that we may guide them, we need to see past these labels, paradigms, behaviors, actions, words, annoyances. And I guess, in other words, we need to see their spirit, not just the ego. When I say ego, I mean the identity that we have adopted, right? Like, we were created pure, and we were. You know, there's a spirit inside of us that is pure as can be. But then as we grow older, we start adopting those labels. Like, we put, like, sticky notes all over us, like, I am beautiful. I am fat, I am skinny, I am worthy. I am not worthy. I am athletic. I'm popular. I'm all these things that good and bad but they're labels nonetheless. And they all come. You know, they all combine to create our ego. But in the end, we're not any of that, right? Like, we're. We are. Right? That's why, you know, if you heard the phrase I am, that's pretty much what it means. You know, I am. Like, there's no. There's no noun or adjective that you could put after I am that truly defines you. Because words are limited and they're finite, and we are infinite beings. We surpass this body of ours. So I am is the best way to describe ourselves. So whatever noun or adjective you put after that question. Question. To see if it's serving or not serving the growth of your child. So in order to see the spirit, to see your child so that you can look beyond the annoyances and the things that are, you know, the problematic behaviors, you need to connect with yourself, right? Yesterday I had. Or, no, a couple days ago, I had a couple who came and they were talking about one of their sons, and they were like, you know, no, he has anger problems, and he just says the wrong thing, and he, you know, he punched the wall, and he's done. He's been aggressive, and he's in a very unhealthy relationship. And, you know, like, they're saying all these. All these things that are wrong with their son. And as they're talking about him, I want to believe that I. That one of my gifts is connecting with people's spirit, right. And being able to see past the problematic behaviors. And without knowing this kid, I've never seen this kid in my life. I had this strong connection and love for this child that they're talking about. And I'm like, man, this kid is being misunderstood. I felt that this child was so pure and so real that he couldn't fit in the little box that we call society and rules and institution and structure. So he always felt, like, trapped, right? And when you feel trapped or when you're in prison, you're going to become aggressive and you're going to be angry, and you're going to want to push back on everything and you want to get out, and you're going to be angry at the world. But it's not because you're a bad person or you have a defect, right? Or you're defective. It's because you're so pure. It's the opposite. It's because you're so pure and you're so real, and you're the real deal. You're the real thing that to Be trapped in all these paradigms that you know in your core are not true. It's hard. It's hard. So in order to connect with, with this child of theirs there, he's like, okay, but like, so how do I see past that? How do. How do I see through? Because he was so caught up in disciplining and teaching him how to not, you know, be angry. And I'm like, the idea is not so much to teach him how to act. It's important. You know, it's part of our responsibility as parents to teach them good coping skills. But it's no good to teach them good coping skills and give them tools if they're not going to be able to heal inside or come to terms with what they feel, Right? Like we can do. And we know this from experience. We could do all the right things, and yet we were miserable. And the idea is for us to be happy. God created us to be happy so that we can then shine that joy to other people. And the happiness doesn't depend on the outside circumstances. So instead of teaching them tools, let's teach them how to connect. And because we lead by example, in order to teach them how to connect, and in order to connect with their own spirit, we have to connect with ours. So this client was like, okay, so how do I do that? And I, and I said, well, you start with you. And there are many different ways of connecting with oneself, but I like the ones that involve the three S's. Stillness, solitude and silence. So I love meditation, mindfulness, yoga, sound therapy, whatever. A mindful walk, you know, walking in nature. Nature is a very powerful way of connecting. Whatever involves stillness, solitude and silence allows you to let go of your thoughts which are in the finite part of you. Right? Like our thoughts, our intellect, we give it a lot of power. But in the end, it's what limits us because that's what creates the little boxes that we need to fit everything and everyone in. When we have those moments of silence, we let go of our humanity, our limited humanity, and we tap into our divine wisdom. When we're not dependent on our intellect, then we are allowing for God or the universe or whatever you believe in to enlighten us with divine wisdom. And divine wisdom transcends logic, transcends reason. So every moment we give to connecting with a higher power, with nature, with however we see God. Because some people call God nature, some other people call it enlightenment. You know, whatever you call God, in order to connect with it, you need to let go of your. Of your limit, limited and finite humanity. So the way I explained it to him is imagine you have bad Internet, right? You have really bad Internet, bad signal on your phone. And your child calls you from college, and they're on FaceTime, and you see them first, and then suddenly the connection starts, like, messing up your, you know, the image, and it goes away. And then instead of hearing your child speak normally, you hear, right? The truth is your child is not saying that. He's not saying. He's speaking normally, but your connection is bad. So all you're hearing is like, you don't get it. You don't. You. You can't understand what your child says. The same is true in life. We are responsible for calling AT&T, which in my language is called God, right? Connecting with God and saying, hey, I need better signal. I need better Internet. I need better connection. I want to be able to communicate with my child. But you have to do the work, right? Like, you have to pick up the phone, which means make 10, 15 minutes a day at least of, you know, have 10 minutes, 15 minutes of meditation, of mindfulness, of whatever, whatever makes you happy, where you practice stillness, solitude, and silence. And that will transfer on to your life and your ability to listen and connect with your child and see your child and create a new paradigm in the light of. Of who he or she really is and needs you to guide him through. So those are the two things. The first one is paradigms. We may not realize that we have them, but you have a way that you see your child and that is informing every action you take. And the second one is connection. It is important for us to connect so that we may see the spirit in our child and not just get them to be what we want them to be. Okay, so I have a few questions here. Do you mind to repeat what ABCD stands for? Yes, I'm going to show it to you real quick. Abcde A is acceptance.

Okay.

A is acceptance. And this is accepting your child exactly the way that he is or she is. B is becoming true self and letting them become their true self. And the best way to become is by unbecoming, unlearning all these ideas that we have. C is communication. You know, communicating at their level, at their time, not the way you want them to. So meet them where they're at, not where you, you know, not wait for them to meet you where you're at. Teenagers, communication is a little complicated. So it's almost like learning a new language. You get to do that, too. D is defeat. Embracing defeat and failure. And discomfort and rejection and allowing them to learn and grow from it. And E is example. You lead by example. So instead of trying to tell your kids everything you want them to be and become, you show them. You show them. That's abcde. Okay, then see exactly what I'm going through right now with my teenager. These are typical times. I got a private message about teenagers. If you want to be more specific or if you have any specific question, you're welcome to ask it. I'm not sure what I was talking about when you wrote about it. I'm sorry. This is an incredible topic. I'm so happy you're covering. I want to break those general cycles. Trauma to break through and be able to connect. Both parents need to be able to do this. If we're not well in our mind, we can't be well to connect with our children. That is true. That's why our children are here for us. They're here to help, to help us make the decision of reparenting ourselves. Because we oftentimes when we parent our children, we're parenting ourselves, but we're doing it through them and we're forgetting that they are not us. They are not us. Oh. So to give you an example of how that plays out in my life, I always wanted my parents to pick me up. They couldn't. And now I pick my kids up and I make sure. And there was a day that I. And I want to be the first one there. And there was a day that I ran late in a session and I got there, I was probably the last parent. Like, car line was already over. I was super embarrassed. I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, I was freaking out. I get there late, and as soon as my daughter opens the car door, she's like, mommy. I was the last one to leave. I was able to sweep the room with Ms. Lam. And like, she was so excited that she was the last one in class. Like, when I would see that, I was like, oh, my gosh, poor kid. The last one waiting. Like, the parents don't care about her. Like, what are people going to think? What people gonna think? We care so much about that. I don't understand why, but I experienced that as well. And she was so happy that she got to clean the classroom with her teacher. She didn't care. And there's been other times that I've been running late in sessions and I asked my assistant to go pick them up. And they're like, mom, Caro came to pick me up and we went for ice Cream. And we were singing our favorite songs in the car. And I'm like, they don't do that with me. They don't want to talk to me when I pick them up. But here they are singing their favorite songs in the car and having a party with my assistant. And I'm like, they don't care. They don't care if I pick them up or the neighbor picks them up or my assistant. They don't care. And although at the beginning I was like, but I want to be there and pick them up and be the one, that was for me. But when I realized that they didn't care, it was also freeing because now I don't freak out if I'm running late, and I don't worry if I have to ask someone to help me pick them up. And I have freed myself from that pressure and paradigm and responsibility that I had attributed to myself. So if we pay attention to our children, if we. If we see them, if we truly see them, we have the opportunity to focus our energy on doing only the things that are really important to them. It's like the five love languages, if you've heard about them. The idea behind the five love languages is that if you. There's five kinds of. There's five ways that people. In which people feel loved. And the five love languages are acts of service, right? When you feel loved because the other person. Taking things off your weights, off your shoulders, like, they help with cooking, they help with the kids, they help with, you know, the dishes, whatever. There's gifts. You feel loved because somebody gives you a gift. It could be a thought. It doesn't have to be something expensive. So, you know, that's a gift that says, I thought of you, right? And they feel love through gifts. Other people feel love through quality time. You give them your undivided attention. No remote control, no phone, nothing. And you feel like, oh, my gosh. They're like, it's just me and him in this. You know, in this place. There's physical touch, which means you feel love when other people touch you, right? Like physically, like in relationships. It implies intimacy also. But it's like a caress, a holding of the hands, a hug, a kiss. Like, whatever means touching. And then there's words of affirmation. That's when you feel loved because the other person. Constantly seeing you. Beautiful things. And it doesn't have to be, you're beautiful. I love your nails.

I love.

But it could also be like, thank you so much. You're the best. Oh, my gosh, I'M so grateful for this. Using words, right? So if we see our children and if we pay attention to their spirit, we can just love them the way they need to be loved. And we can invest time and energy into things that are important to them, not all these other 20,000 things that we've put on ourselves. Because society says that a good parent is the parent that picks them up at school at a reasonable time and then bakes cookies and brownies. No, wait, a good parent is the one that doesn't give them cookies and brownies and gives them nutritional food. Like, we have all these, gosh, all these pressures and paradigms and ideas. And I remember thinking, like, oh, you're supposed to read 10 minutes a day or 15 minutes a day. And I'm like, but I don't have time to read and bake the cookies and pick them up and still work full time, by the way. And, oh, I have a husband. Yeah, that's right. I have to take care of my husband, too. Like, and, oh, the house and the responsibilities and the bills and, like, it's so much. Right. Being a parent is so overwhelming. But is it? Is it really? Or have we assumed that responsibility because we've bought into all these paradigms and ideas that a good parent. And listen, I'm saying all these things, but I am my own student. And maybe the things that I know are because I've had to learn them personally before I'm able to teach them. So I go through this all the time. I am the queen of putting pressures on myself. And then I get to learn and be reminded that my children are the ones who determine how they feel loved. And I get to. I get to follow their lead. And it's hard when you have more than one because, you know, you learn something for one and then you have to learn it all over again for the other one because it's completely different. And it's okay because then you learn a whole lot of new things. I am ready for your questions, guys. So if you want to share anything, any thought, if you want to ask, it's free therapy, guys. Free therapy. Or coaching, if you don't like therapy. Okay, Emma, tell me you can unmute yourself if you want. Yes. Oh, you can unmute. Is it because. Can you see if there's something we can do so that Emma can unmute herself? Or is it because you're in a place where you can't speak? Emma? She's not answering. Oh, there she is. Okay, she's unmuting.

Okay, you can hear Me. Oh, great. Hi. My question is, I have a 10 year old and he acts like a 13 year old and his go to behaviors to be rude to us and his sister. The only way I've been getting him out of it is I said, how come you're so rude to the people who love you the most? You know, we built a pool in the backyard. We have play dates for you. We do, you know, so much for you and all you do is be rude to us. Sometimes that kind of stops them. But I can only say that so many times.

How does this. Is it a boy or a girl?

It's a boy and he is 10 years old. He asked like 15.

Okay, so I will start by telling you that your connection is poor right now. Like literally?

Yes, yes, literally.

Like, it was hard to understand. It was hard to understand. But, but I'm using that as an analogy, right? Like, I had to, like, because I couldn't hear you well, I had to like, like, like try to listen beyond, you know, and as I'm sure was the case with everybody else, right, Like, I had to pay attention and I had to like, try to decipher what you were trying to say and, and ask questions and be like, wait, how old is the person you're talking about and is it a boy or a girl? The reason I'm sharing this is because when you hear your son be rude, you are making the judgment you're being rude, right? Instead of trying to understand what are you feeling that is or what are you hearing from the things that we're saying or what are you experiencing from what we do that makes you react that way, right? And I could have just said, like, listen, you have really bad connection. Like you are. You got to do something about that. Or I could have done what I did, which was like, try to understand even though it was so hard because like, how do you understand like that a kid responds con Amara Grianza and something really rude when what you said was norm or kind or no big deal. Like, how do you understand that? Right? Well, I had to make an effort to understand you while you were talking because the connection was poor, like, was bad. So that's how you do it with him as well. You try to understand, like, okay, let me see. Like, okay, so we, we. I just said, hey, baby, I'm going to pick you up five minutes earlier. And he said like, yeah, because you always wanted to be your weight just to say something and you know, you could be like, what could he have possibly understood? Could he have Understood that I don't care about him being with his friends, so that I'm, you know, I only care about myself and my convenience and because I have to be somewhere, you know, like I considering him. And so I'm gonna. Could he have thought, could he have felt that? And, and if you pay attention to when he's rude, you'll see that there's a, there's a pattern. Usually we have a main trigger that repeats itself. So pay attention to what moments. You could even like a list of moments in which he was rude to see what they have in common and to try to understand what he interprets. Right. Because if, let's say he thinks that you favor the youngest. Oh, no, it's a, it's an older one, right? Is it 10 and what?

Yeah, it's 10 and an 8 year old.

Oh.

And now the 8 year old is jumping up for activity too because she doesn't want him to get attention with his rude behavior. So then she starts going nuts too. Right, right.

So paying attention to, and not just paying close attention to what he could possibly be experiencing, but also asking questions we assume we understand our kids and children think differently than adults. I had a client who, she was going through a divorce. It was Father's Day. The daughter went with the dad. The dad, they asked, what are we gonna do? She said, I want to go to the park. And then the dad said, oh, I was hoping we could go to lunch. And, and the grandma, dad's mom says like, oh, it's Father's Day, let's please your dad. And she's like, how do I know he's my father? How do I know he's my father? I don't have to go to, like, I don't have evidence that he's my father. And then imagine the family was freaking out. What is mom telling this girl? Like, what do you mean? How disrespectful. And when the mom tried to explore, it turns out that the reason she was saying that is because she saw that she was inside mom's belly because she saw pictures of mom's. Mom's pregnancy. But she doesn't know what that has to do. She doesn't know how her babies were. When I want to say she was like 8 years old. She doesn't know how babies are created. She doesn't know that dad has a part in it. She just knew that mom had her in her belly. So she's sure that that's mom, but she's not sure that that's dad. So but then the way it was taken, especially given this situation, was like, oh my gosh, the mom must be putting things in her head and what the heck? And this girl, how dare she say that it was very innocent and rational, right? Like maybe that. So our kids sometimes do and say things that come across as disrespectful and they have no idea they're not meaning to be. Maybe they're being like very matter of fact or very rational or whatnot. So I guess the first step, Emma, is understand. Understand what? What he's interpreting, what he's hearing, what he's thinking that causes him to be so rude. Because if you first judge, then you close the, the door to further communication and connection. So I would start with that if I can add.

I have the paradigm, by the way, I have the same one as you. My parents never picked me up and never around. So I try, I over try to like make a life with them and be with them and make play dates and go nuts. And so my. Another paradigm that I have is that my mom told me too, the more you give your children, the more spoiled and rude they are. So lately I've been giving him more play dates because he was being so rude. We took away play dates and took away his PS4. His. Sorry. So then now I've been giving him everything back and now he's being rude again. And then we go into that cycle.

So again, try to understand what it is that is making him respond in a rude way. Because kids are pure. Kids are pure. And if they're being rude or mean or unkind or whatever, there's always a reason. So try to communicate and connect with him. Maybe my kids are more receptive at night. So if I want to talk about important things like that or if I want to understand them better, I wait till the night. They're also, they're more soothed, they're less defensive. Like they don't have their walls up. So I can be like, baba, I noticed today you were a little mean to your sister. You know, what were you feeling like? But in a way that doesn't imply judgment, right? Like, I was worried about you because, you know, I know you're such a kind boy that I imagine something was upsetting you. And I want to learn you're important to me. Like, make him feel special and create a safe space where he can express what it is or at least explore. Because oftentimes they have no idea what they were. We go through that, right? Like there are many times that I Have clients that are super angry, are super sad, or super anxious, and they have no idea why. So they have to explore first why they feel the way that they do. And if that happens to adults, imagine kids that don't even have the language to express it more assertively or clearly. So understanding where it comes from, not judging it, and maybe assuming responsibility for it. Like, I. I do the Gandhi approach a lot, which is like, you know, I must have failed. I must have failed to. To create a safe space for me, because you're lying. And you know how. You know, lying is unacceptable in our house. But. But it has to be that you can't trust me. So, like, help me. And then, of course, when I assume responsibility for it, you're like, no, mom, you didn't do anything wrong. So it helps them come from a more humble place. And then, you know, you'd be like, you know, you get emotional and everything. You could do drama and be like, you know, I guess I must have modeled to you that this is how you respond to certain situations. And I want to know how to fix it, because I want to be a better mom. And then that gives them permission to tell you what you can be better at and assume responsibility themselves, because now it's safe. Now you're not, you know, like, labeling them. You're not pointing fingers at them. You're not judging them so they can be vulnerable. So creating a safe space is also important. And I would wait to do that in a different moment, right? Like, maybe at night. I don't know when my children are most accessible at night, but I don't know, you know, maybe yours are different. So I wait till the night. And sometimes before the night comes, I have to go to my coach, go for a walk, pray like crazy, do a meditation, because I want to kill them. So, you know, like, we don't. I still have my paradise, right? And when my daughter, kindness to me is extremely important. And when my daughter hasn't been kind because she wants to be cool and say a comment that's not kind, I like, I like. My blood boils. Like, I am so upset and angry. I want to tell her all the things I want to tell you. So I do. Like, I do what I need to do. I literally, recently, in a couple of hours, left work, meditated, had an hour session with my coach, went for a walk. Like, I did everything before I had a conversation with her at night. Because if not, it wasn't going to be productive. I was not going to have the grace of God.

Exactly What you just said and accepting him, he's Mr. Koolrad. So part of being rude to him is like being cool. So I don't know how much of it to expect, you know, because he thinks it's cool, and that's how he is. He's Mr. Cool Guy.

Well, you can show him how it's not. So what I did with my daughter is My daughter is. Wants to be cool, but she's also. She's also a good person, right? So I explained, like, for example, she. She called the kid gay and drunk and something else, like. Like they were actually in. In one of my groups, group therapy sessions here for teens. And she. There was a beautiful exercise. And she said those things, and I'm like, you're freaking kidding me. Like, it's a beautiful environment, like a beautiful exercise. Like, there's no caught. Like, no need to do this. And it turns out that I explained to her, like, do you realize, like, this kid did theater, right? So you realize that there is a. Like a stereotype of people who do theater who are. Who are. Who are gay. So, like, saying gay to someone who does theater is extra sensitive because there's. There's this stereotype. She didn't know about this, right? Like, so I'm explaining to her there's a stereotype. So this is what it means. Because in her mind, gay means, like, acting, like, all happy and weird and funny and, you know, whatever. Silly and drunk too, right? So he was being silly, so she called him gay and drunk. Because draw a drunk person is silly and, like, ridiculous, you know, can be ridiculous and whatever. So that's what she meant. But then when I explained to her, so this is what you're saying with gay, and this is how you're hurting, and this is how other people may be judging him, and that's not true. And yada yada. And then the. Someone in his family was a recovering alcoholic, so calling him a drunk was also a very strong offense for this kid in particular. And when. When I was explaining all the connotations and the power of her words and what it could mean to this kid, she was like, oh, my gosh. Like, I was. I just thought he was being silly, so I called him drunk and gate. Right? She didn't. She didn't understand. So when I explained to her how uncool what she did was, she didn't find it cool anymore. And that's one thing. And another approach is if he's Mr. Cool and how can you make kindness cool, right? How can you Reinforce. I am a big fan of reinforcing rather than punishing, because research shows that punishment don't work. When you get a ticket for speeding, you don't stop speeding. You just turn on your ways to see if there's a cop, you know, but, you know, the whole point of punishment is to. What it leads our kids to do is to do it behind our backs, but it doesn't diminish the likelihood of that behavior reoccurring. So what we want is to reinforce the likelihood of the positive behaviors reoccurring, which in turn reduce the likelihood of the undesired behaviors to reoccur. So I would find every time that he is not unkind or he's not rude. I would say, like, you're so. You're being so kind today. And I would, you know, what do you like, let's do this. Or, like, I would reinforce him by rewarding him. By the way, positive and negative reinforcements both increase the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring. So positive behavior means that. I mean, positive reinforcement means that you give them something they want, so you take them out for ice cream, you give them the iPad back. You do whatever that increases the likelihood of it reoccurring. And a negative reinforcement means that you take away something they don't like. So let's say they had a curfew, and you take the curfew away, and you say, like, you know, like, you are doing so amazingly that you don't have to do this anymore, or you're doing so amazingly that you could, you know, close your door in your bedroom. You're doing so amazingly that you, you know, I'm not gonna make you take your brother to yada yada, right? Like, so you don't confuse negative reinforcement with punishment, because both negative and positive increase the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring by giving something or taking something away. So. So positive gives negative takes away. So, Emma, I would work on establishing a connection by trying to understand where he's coming from, what he's interpreting, and what he's reacting to so that you can understand his triggers better and help him. Help him overcome those triggers by learning better coping mechanisms. And I would also reinforce the positive behaviors that. To increase the likelihood of them reoccurring and wait for the moment that he's more accessible and he's not trying to be cool to build him up and tell him, like, man, you're such a kind kid. You know, like. And maybe even give examples of popular people, like, I don't know, if you show, like, little clips on YouTube or movies. And this movie Greater is really good if you want to watch.

I can't wait to see it. Yeah, he's into football, too, for the soul.

So it's. That movie is good for him. And it can exacerbate good conversations about kindness. Because this guy was. This guy was extremely famous, very loved and very popular. But he wasn't popular the way. You know, there's a paradigm as to what popular is. But Mother Teresa and Jesus. Mother Teresa and Jesus. Great. Are super popular, you know, and they. They definitely didn't do the things that we think are popular when we're teenagers. So just changing the paradigm of what popular means can help him step into that identity that he's trying to engage with in a way that serves him. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Okay, so. How do you. Good morning. I'm at work, so I have to chat. My son is more of an introvert. He's insecure, but a very kind boy. I don't know how to help him be confident. So how old is your son, Char? If you could tell me how old you're.

Oh, okay.

He's 13. Oh, good. This is a really good age. Okay.

Confident.

So first of all, understanding your paradigm of confidence is really important. You know, you want to. An introvert is not a person who's not confident. An introvert is a person who chooses or feels more comfortable processing internally rather than outwardly. And they have a lot of gifts that I don't have. Because I'm an extrovert. Right. My husband is an introverted extrovert. My husband processes inwardly, and he. Like, there will be times that he's upset about something or we are having an argument or some. You know, we don't come to terms with something, and he'll take a break, he'll go for a run, come back, and we have a conversation, and I'm like, peroing aga. Were you really running or were you in therapy? Because he comes with this clarity and this wisdom that it's taken me a whole, like, PhD and 20 years of experience and I don't know how many books to. To not even get close to him, right? So I'm an extrovert, and I have to process outwardly, and I have to talk about things. And I have. And sometimes that's not a good thing. He can do everything internally. And because he does that, he has tremendous wisdom. He's an observer. He can see things that I'm not seeing because I'M too busy talking and interacting, and that's a gift. So first of all, it's important to understand if the way you are interpreting or defining introverts, introversion is as a bad thing or is it as, you know, like, if you're an introvert, then you're not confident or you're not gonna have friends. And that's not necessarily true. Right. So maybe start admiring the things in him that make him special and unique by being an introvert and changing the paradigm about him so that. So that then you can free him from the expectation that to be social, to be accepted socially and successful, you have to be extrovert. Right. Like, so I would explore first your idea what an introvert is. I would explore first the idea of confidence, what that means and what that looks like, because I've seen a lot. I have a friend who's a big time extrovert. She's like a butterfly, a social butterfly. And one of her sons is an introvert. And she brought him to our group, our teens group. And he, he was like a ray of sunshine, that kid. And I remember calling the mom and saying, like, oy, you don't want this kid to change. And he's not insecure. Like, he loves that he is the way that he is. And he's comfortable with himself. He's more comfortable than the majority of the kids in the group. So pay attention to that. But if being an introvert really is causing him, you know, and that's. And this is coming from him, causing him anxiety or insecurities or, you know, he really wants to have more friends and he can't because he doesn't know how to do it, then give them tools. And, you know, there are books that you could read together. We have groups in our practice, a lot of groups, a lot of amazing groups, actually. We have the Teen Leadership boot camp, which is from 6th grade to 12th grade. We have the ongoing group, which is. Once you graduate from that, you go on to these groups. We have summer camps that are more intense and very powerful. We have four grades from kinder to fifth. And Janelle, can you correct me if I'm wrong? I don't know if it's. If it's middle school or just high school that you have groups for, but we have all sorts of groups here to help give tools to kids. That's. My group is the middle school 6 to 8 for girls, and then the. The teen empowerment is High School nine through 12.

Okay.

So we have, and we have the ongoing group also that that they could join now. Like, he's 13, you said? I think so. So that would be Omar, right? Omer, that would be you, the 13. What grade is he in?

Char?

Or what grade is he going to? He's 13, so he's probably going into eighth. So yeah, that would be Omer. So if you want information, I'm happy to give you that information. But the whole point of our groups is to instill tools, is to give them tools. We work on delayed gratification and self worth and affirmations and on how the mind works and how they can reprogram their thoughts, how not to engage with the thoughts, how to. Like they learn things that their parents are yet to learn. Their parents are always calling us, like, my kid is more emotionally intelligent than I am. So he told me that I needed to do this and I'm doing it. Our kids are like, they're like, they learn so fast. They're unbelievably amazing. So I think it's, it's important to give him tools. And it's in a group setting, so he's already not just learning the tools, but he's putting them into practice. Let's see. And then I have. How do you manage a kid, 10 year old girl, who wants to have everything her way, no matter the consequences that she will have? Okay, so the idea of managing, controlling, you know, a kid is, it's an illusion. So, so I just want to start with that, right? Like don't, don't try to manage your kid. Go to, go to the abcd. Go to acceptance, Go to modeling, you know, leading by example. Go to all those. But if there's someone that has. And change the paradigm, Queenie. Homer, you're unmuted. Change the paradigm, right? Like if you, if you look, if you think of your daughter as someone who wants to get her way no matter what, and you know, she's entitled and whatnot, looking at her that way is gonna, is with judgment and it's gonna prevent you from helping her. So I would start by changing the paradigm and reframing it. Reframing it means that you change the perspective with which you're looking at something. Something. So instead of thinking of her as someone who wants her way or the highway, you could think of her as someone who has grit, who's persevering, who never gives up, who will succeed in life because you know she will. Where there's a. Where there's a, where there's a will, there's a way she'll find the Way like all those things that make parents lives miserable will make you the happiest people on earth. When those kids are adults. The thing is we want to control them and manage them now. And because we want to control them and control is an illusion, we suffer, we suffer in the process. So change the paradigm and instead of viewing that as a negative thing, start seeing it as an asset, as a gift that your daughter has and guide her in using that gift in a way that serves her right. So, so like redirect her, right? Like those kids are not, don't respond well to no, you're not going to do this because I say so. Like you know, have conversations, redirect it to a positive thing. Like if my little one is, She has amazing qualities and she is very independent and she knows what she wants and she doesn't need. She's a leader and like all these things. And I remember when, from early on she could not deal with no's. She like as a little girl she could not deal with nose. So instead of me saying no, I would be like, yes, you can have that candy after you have dinner. Yeah, of course, mama. Right. So I would find ways of communicating with her in a way that didn't trigger her. And by the way, by the time she had dinner, she forgot about the candy, she didn't want it anymore, she was full. So you know, if I really didn't want to give her the candy, it always worked out. If she wanted it, I would honor it, but I would find ways of getting what I wanted while still honoring the way she needed to be parented. Right. And there's an opportunity for you to do the same. Right. Like, but according to the age. Right. Like she's, she's 10 now. So instead of, you know, maybe, maybe you say mama. That sounds amazing. Like you know, it sounds amazing. Like the thing that you want to do with your friends. I have to work, so it's not going to be possible now. But why don't we already schedule the next play date, right? Or I don't know, like if she, if she wants, give me an example of a concept like something that she would want that doesn't have a consequence that's good for her. So that I can give you a more specific example. Is there a group for 10 year old boy going to fifth grade? Yes, that's Omer's group. Anyhow, so if you going back to it says iPhone. So I'm not sure if you, if your daughter is wanting things that are going to like the consequences are going to be harmful or to her detriment, then have conversations to teach her. Right? Part of the things that we teach in the teenagers bootcamp is we show them how our decisions lead to consequences, and we explain that process very well so that they can create habits that will allow him to think things through. Because what happens with children and teenagers is that their prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain in charge of decision making, is not fully developed. Physiologically speaking, they're not capable of making good decisions and thinking about the consequences. Shoot. Adults don't do that. They are fully developed in their prefrontal cortex. It's hard for them to do that. What we do in the group is we teach them the habits that they need to engage in in order to make good decisions. So we teach them about the traffic light, right? Like, red is stop, yellow think, or slow down, and green is go. So stop, think, and act. And we go over each one of them, we give example scenarios, and we give them testimonials of other teens that come to share. Like teens that have been arrested for doing a TikTok. Teens that have been, you know, have sent a nude picture, an appropriate picture, and it's gone viral. Like, we have those kids come and share their testimonials so that they see that this happens to people who are real, right? Like, it's. It's not. Oh, that's not going to happen to me because I'm a good person. So we. We. We help them see, understand that decisions have a consequence and when. And another thing that you could do also is when you're giving them consequences or when you do have to punish or scold, I never call it punishment. I'll be like, okay, so this is your decision. This is the consequence of your decision. You know, my daughter was unkind, and she didn't have any social event for a month. So I said, like, you know, she said, oh, you're punishing. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not punishing you. No, I'm not anyone to punish you. You decided to do this because since you didn't realize that you were being unkind, that tells me that you're not ready to be exposed to social interactions which may put you at risk of being unkind again. And I don't want to. I don't want that to happen to you. So during this month, we're going to be working on kindness, and you're going to take a break from engaging in whatever. So I change the wording a lot. To hold them accountable, which is empowering. And to help them. And to not trigger. Right. Like, to not contribute to triggers or judgments or punishments or whatnot. Okay, let's see. There's a couple other questions. I know we're out of time, so if anybody has to leave, you're welcome to do so. I will respond to this other message. Cut up. Oh, no. Let me copy this message. That's private, and I'll respond to it privately.

Okay.

Sure. Okay. Emma, like, choosing clothes for her. Okay, so closing. Okay, choosing clothes. So maybe instead of choosing the clothes for her, you give her options and you say, like, hey, you can choose between these two or three. And you. And you. You still give her a choice. Because your daughter. I love that your daughter is like that. I know it's easier said than done, but it sucks now, but it'll be amazing then. And if you. If you silence her, that voice, if you silence that drive that she has, the odds of you wanting to bring it back to life later on are very high. So don't silence it. Just work with it. Give her options of two or three outfits and let her choose from that. But don't impose. Right. Like, oftentimes we think it has to be a certain way. And the truth, I've had to learn with the clothes things a lot. Like, you know, sometimes I wanted to wear a certain thing and look a certain way, and it's not their style. It's not that what they want. And really, like, it's. Does it really matter? Right? Like, is it really that important? So I include my kids in choosing their outfits. My son is like her daughter. One example is Gatorade, which he always wants, that has lots of sugar and bad food, that gets mad for hours if we say no. Okay, so maybe instead of buying the sugar full brigade, Ray, try the low sugar one, right? And have that one at home. Or there are some. There are some brands that are healthier and they're better for you that they can get. So give them options. Give them options so that they can make decisions. There are times that I'll tell my kids, like, okay, you can. Yeah, you can have that donut. No problem. Does that mean you're not gonna have ice cream tonight when we go? And I let them choose. I let them make their decisions, and they're empowered. Right? Like, and oftentimes, you see also you learn a lot about your kid. Like, you see, who understands delayed gratification and who's more of an instant gratification. And then you know what to control Giving them in terms of tools. So with the Gatorade example, I would give them options. Like when my kids want to have, you know, eat a donut, and we know we're going out for ice cream that night, I'm like, okay, yeah, you can have the donut, but that means you don't have the ice cream tonight. So you make the decision, whatever you think is best for you, and they can make the decision themselves. And then I honor my part, right? Like, if we go out for ice cream, he doesn't get ice cream because he decided that. So you give them options, right? Like don't. And listen, I am big time into health. I like, you know, balanced meals and healthy stuff. Like, I really am. I value that tremendously. And my husband is even even more values that even more or instills it even more in our kids. And yet he tells me all the time, like, man, all those football players, you know, were raised with McDonald's and whatever. So I'm not suggesting that you do this, but. But ask yourself, is this really that important right now? Right? Like, is this something that I should. Is this a battle that I need to pick right this moment? Right? And sometimes it is. Sometimes it is because it is the moment for the lesson. And other times, there are so many other things going on that, you know, that's the treat that we're allowing because the adaptation energy is limited or is compromised at that moment. Gatorade, Okay, Teens group more confident confidence in my son. Sadly, we had. He had been labeled in a former elementary school. And that instills a lack of self worth because see that the pandemic has unfortunately made the situation worse. I know this pandemic has been really, really, really hard for kids. Leaving an elementary school and starting a new school has exacerbated his lack of confidence. And he says he has no friends, just online friends. I will be. Well, Omer is. Omar is your guy. Omer's your guy. He's. He's gonna help him with that. And he, Omar, actually specialize in this whole, like, you know, kids that have like the gaming and the online experiences because they're. They hide behind a device and they don't learn the skills that are gonna allow them to create nurturing, fulfilling relationships in person. So it's okay to have the online thing, but it is extremely important to. To expose him to in person experiences. It is extremely important he has anxiety and rather just go home and not go out. So, yeah, he definitely. He would definitely benefit from the tools. There's. I'M gonna. I'm gonna send you the link. Teen leadershipbookcamp.com. we already have lot of people sign, so and we. Oh, wait, sorry. I sent it to the wrong person. I'm gonna send it to everyone so you can sign up for the Team Leadership Bootcamp, which. Which starts in September. It's once a semester, so we do one in. In fall and one in spring. Team Leadership Bootcamp. You can sign up there. And if you want to sign up to Omers right now, Omer is. Omer's group is the one that when you graduate from the Teen Leadership Bootcamp, then you go to this group. But what we do when we haven't started a Team Leadership, we, you know, like, like right now, for the summer, he can join Omer's group. And then once the Team Leadership Bootcamp starts in September, they, you know, the people that were there who were there transfer on to the Team Leadership Boot Camp. So, yeah, it's a beautiful program. We've had it for five years, and it's. And I've seen all my kids that started at the beginning. I've seen them grow. Some of them have co facilitated and served as leaders in our. In our group, and it's been really beautiful to see their progress and transformation. I don't know if I said, oh, okay, we'll figure it out. Just go to Teen Leadership Bootcamp to get the information and then email me and I'll send you to the right people for either the middle high or the high. The middle or the high school group. Okay. If anybody has any last question, I'm happy to address it before I leave. If not, you guys have an amazing day, and I will let you know by email when our next one is. It's usually the second and fourth Wednesday of the month, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna take a break in the summer, so I will keep you posted. All right, you have a wonderful day.