Episode #8: The Truth About Unprocessed Emotions (And How to Heal Them) - Faith and Growth Podcast

Do you ever feel like you're in a funk that you can't seem to get out of? Like, no matter what you do to, like, change your energy a little bit and feel happier and more positive and peaceful, you just can't quite shake it off? If so, this episode is for you. Good morning, sunshine. Welcome to the Faith and Growth podcast, the space where psychology and spirituality come together to help you rise into the person you were created to be. If you're ready to stop playing small and start living the life God designed for you, I got you. I'm Dr. Betsi Guerra, psychotherapist, speaker, and author, and I'm here to help you heal, rise, and walk boldly in your purpose. So if you're ready to do that, let's get started. August 25, 2013. That was the day that I last held Fofi in my arms and felt her tiny little hands around my neck and her kisses in my cheek. That was the day she went to heaven. So yesterday marked 12 years since I last saw her and felt her. And although I believe wholeheartedly that while losing Fofi was the most excruciating pain of my life, the experience of loss of grief was the greatest blessing because it allowed me to experience resurrection power, to meet face to face with the peace that surpasses all understanding, and to know the joy that comes from within. And it depends not on external circumstances. And it also brought me closer to God, which that alone I feel forever grateful. So that experience was beautiful. It also allowed me to feel things I never thought I would feel and know that I could live with those feelings. It's almost like, you know, when you're hungry, I know I don't like to be hungry. And every time that I'm gonna go somewhere for a long time, I think like, oh, let me pack some snacks, because I'm scared of being hungry. Or. Well, I was scared of being sad. I was scared of grieving. I was scared of thinking that I could never be happy again. I was scared of all those negative, quote, unquote negative because feelings are neutral, but they feel unpleasant. Those unpleasant feelings. I was scared of all of them and realizing that I could. I could feel them and survive them and come out on the other side. I could resurrect after feeling such death within. That was a gift. So I am grateful for that. And I also have learned to love and feel Fofi in a spiritual way. So our relationship used to be spiritual and physical. Now it's just spiritual. And I know firsthand that Love transcends death. So I don't need to miss her. I'm always with her and I just. I love her so much and she's so present in any. In every rainbow and every butterfly in nature, in the sounds of a wind chime and in prayer, in my meditations. Fofi's present. So at this point of my life, I am happy. But when August comes around, I get in a little bit of a funk and I have a hard time shaking it off. I feel easily annoyed, I am overwhelmed. I have less bandwidth and less ability to. To neutralize my emotions and to manage them, to regulate them. And I. It's not until I realize, and at this point I feel like I become aware really quickly because it's happened for 12 years. But it's not until I become aware of, okay, I'm here, I'm in this funk, that I'm able then to do something about it. And it's not as easy as other times. I have a lot of tools to regulate my emotions, but when this comes up, it seems harder. And maybe the same is true for you. Maybe there's a season at work in which you have deadlines and you have, you know, like I know this is true for CPAs and people in the insurance business. And sometimes there's a season that feels very overwhelming and being overwhelmed and tired and overworked can put you in this funk. There are other times in which you have been repressing a feeling or an experience because it feels like the right thing to do. And then that expends your energy, so then you have less energy left to adapt to new circumstances. Or maybe you've gone through many back to back situations that have depleted you. Or you've been doing, doing, doing, giving, giving, giving, and you haven't filled your buc. You haven't replenished with things that bring you joy and that energize you. So there are many different reasons for which we get in a funk. And for me, typically during this season is what psychology calls the anniversary reaction. So emotions are the language of the body, says Josie Spencer. And thoughts are the language of the mind. So if emotions are the language of the body, then when emotions enter our body, imagine that an emotion is like a piece of meat. It's like food. When a piece of meat enters your mouth now you need to chew it into like smaller, smaller, smaller parts and then you swallow it, then you digest it, and then you pooping. That's usually the process of the meat in general. So emotions also come in to your life, right? Like, you experience them and then you chew them. Chewing them would be the equivalent of feeling them. You sit with them, you experience them. You cry, you scream, you hit the pillow. You, you know, whatever it is or whatever it is that it comes out as the feeling, the experience of that emotion. That is the chewing. Then you swallow it. And swallowing it is the equivalent of accepting it, right? Because when you're chewing, you could be like, oh, my gosh, this sucks. I can't believe this. This steak is so hard. And I should have gotten filet mignon and oh my goodness, it's super greasy, right? Like, you could be fighting with the meat while you're chewing, and you can be fighting with reality while you're experiencing the pain or the frustration or the anger or whatever unpleasant emotion you're going through. And then when you swallow, it's like it is what it is. You are feeling this. So that's swallowing. And when you accept, you remove the resistance that oftentimes creates even more pain. And we talked about that in episode number four with my faith method, Faith in adversity. So you swallow, you accept this emotion. And now. Now is when you can apply all the tools that you learn here. Now is when you're able to reframe. Now is when you're able to look at. Look and focus on the blessings to. To practice, gratitude, to journal. So when you're digesting that meat or when you're processing that emotion, that's when you can talk about it, assume responsibility for it. What is the story I've told myself? How am I contributing to this feeling that I'm experiencing? Because we own our peace and we own our emotions, right? We. We spoke about that in two episodes ago. So at that point, you've processed it, you've been able to make it support you, and then you're able to release it. But it doesn't always work that way. That's how it's supposed to be. In theory. We're supposed to chew, swallow, digest, poop. And then of course, before we evacuate it, we keep the nutrients and the. The vitamins and all the things that are good. The good things of that pain, the lessons, the resilience, the strength, the power or of the food. But what happens when you experience an emotion? I lost Wofi. And I was heartbroken. The pain was excruciating. I felt it penetrating my bones. I couldn't bear. Entered my body. Like, I didn't choose to interpret anything. I didn't. It just came in and I. And I Was I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. So that emotion is already inside of me, and I didn't know the things that I know now. So there were moments that I wouldn't chew it, I wouldn't feel it, because I have to be strong or I'm not gonna cry because my daughter's watching and I need to protect her. And I had all, like. I didn't know the importance of sitting with the pain. I wasn't familiar with pain. I was familiar with joy. And I was happy all the time and energized. And this was. This was unfamiliar and uncomfortable. So I was feeling all these things that I wasn't necessarily expressing. And the same thing is true with you many times. Maybe it doesn't feel right to express anger, because how could I be angry at this person who's so good to me? Does that mean that I'm being ungrateful? Right. Like, we don't allow our. We judge our feelings. We're like, oh, feeling envy is bad. Feeling jealous is bad. Oh, my gosh, what kind of person am I feeling anger is? Ooh, that's good. Girls don't feel anger. We have their feelings. They're neutral. They're not bad. They're meant to support us, in fact. And this is another topic for another day. But emotions are the compass God uses to guide us. That's how important emotions are. But we judge them, so we avoid them. And Dr. David Hawkins says that there's three. Three ways of managing emotions. Typically, the number one, we repress or suppress them. So repression is when you unconsciously suppress an emotion. And then suppression is conscious, and suppression is kind of like pushing away. I'm pushing away this emotion to not feel it because it feels uncomfortable, because I don't know how to deal with it, because it's yaki. So suppression is just push the emotion away. Then there's expression, which is speak about it, tell others about it. You know, let it out by. By. By saying it, by. By communicating it. And then there's escaping it, which is avoiding the emotion and not really addressing it and almost like ignoring it. So there's pushing away, there is expressing, and then there's avoiding. And in. In his book Letting Go, which is a book about surrender, and it's. It incorporates science. He's a psychiatrist, a researcher, but he's also a spiritual teacher. And I love how he incorporates psychology with spirituality. And in his book, he explains, like, none of the above are the right way to process and experience emotions. Because when you repress them. Then what happens is that you accumulate those emotions inside of you and the body keeps score. So then you get like, you know, years from then, you're like, oh, my goodness, I have this back pain and this neck, like, my neck is hurting and I have gut problems. And you get all these autoimmune diseases. You get all these somatic physical symptoms and, and diseases that you think just came from the body or the thing that you ate. But it may be that there are emotions that are stuck in your body that remain unprocessed. Think about a piece of meat that was never digested and pooped. It's going to mess up your system. Well, the same thing is true with the emotions that are unprocessed. So if we push away an emotion, if we suppress it, we, we are. What we're doing is we're letting it stay in our bodies somewhere stuck. And then that can affect the way our body functions, and that's going to affect the way our mind functions. It's going to affect everything in our system because we're all connected. Hey. Hey. If this topic is resonating with you, I recommend that you buy my book. You can listen to it or read it. Hurt to Hope. Heal the pain of loss, grief and adversity. You can find it in Amazon and the information will be in the show notes back to the episode. So when we suppress, we push away when we express. So they used to think, like Freud used to say, that suppression is the cause of neurosis, right? Like, you know, if you're having depression, anxiety, and all these problems that we're familiar with, it's because you've been suppressing emotions. And I think that's true. I believe that. And I think most of the people in our field agree. But then we thought that the opposite of suppression was expression. So, okay, so then expression must be the solution. And when we express, let's say I'm super annoyed or angry at my husband because he didn't, you know, he didn't act the way I wanted him to act, or he said something that I felt hurt by. Or, or. Or I'm judging him and thinking like he's not supposed to be, or act a certain way. Let's say I'm annoyed at him. I can go and express to him like, I'm annoyed at you because you did this and you did that and you're like this and you're like that, and you said, I can go and say all those things. And in psychology, we've been tricked to believe that that's a good thing. Communication is key. It's important to tell your spouse what you're feeling at all, at all times, at any cost. And there's a difference between communicating about the emotions that you have festering inside of you and communicating to set expectations, to be clear, to come to agreements, that's healthy. But expressing negative, unpleasant emotions to people without processing them so that we can vent and feel better because, you know, typically when we let it out, we're like, we find some relief. That is not necessarily healthy because what you're doing is dumping the crap that's inside of you onto another person. And then you, you feel better temporarily, by the way, because you, you, you're only able to, quote, unquote, vent a little bit of the emotion. You know, you can express it and vent about it a little bit, like, but the rest that was left inside your body is still going to be suppressed and it's still going to go to a part in your body to affect your functioning. And now you're not the only one suffering, or you're suffering a little less, but you've put this on someone else. So whenever you're feeling something towards a loved one, something negative towards a loved one, be still first. Be still and know that I am God. Spend time with God. Ask him, like, God, can you shine some light and show me what about this feeling is mine? And how do you want me to interpret it? Experience it? Like, what is this doing for me? Because if God's allowing you to feel that emotion, maybe it's so that you can just release it already once and for all. That's probably stuck emotion in your body. And here's the thing, something that Dr. Hawkins explained in this book is that we have a certain level of emotions that we can tolerate in our bodies. So let's say I can tolerate up to 100 units of anger, 150 units of sadness, I don't know, 50 of frustration. I'm making this up, but just to make it a little more visual, like you have a certain amount of sadness, anger, frustration, grief, all those things that you can hold in your body that you can withstand. What happens is that you can suppress. So what happens is that when those emotions are like, when the units that you are allowed to experience in your body are surpassed, then you are going to unconsciously create scenarios, events, or experiences that allow you to express it so that you can release a little bit and go back to your norm. So, for example, in these days that I've been a little bit In a funk. I have very limited space for frustration or overwhelm or anger or sadness. I have very limited space because I've been filling the bucket. Suppressing, suppressing. And my poor son, we were at a trip and he didn't, we were about to leave and the Uber was going to get there in like 15 minutes and he went out to talk to his friends instead of like helping out, offering to, to help us finish packing. So when he came back, I was so rude. I was, I was, I was just mean and rude and was, was screaming at him. And you know, you never care about helping and you never offer help and because you're inconsiderate and you're only thinking about yourself and, and I said all these things that weren't true. Like I could have. And he was like, why don't you ask me nicely then? And I'm thinking, like, because you're supposed to, this is your responsibility. Like, I don't need to ask you, like, much less nicely. But I was wrong. I was wrong. I was being really mean and rude because I had too much overwhelm inside of me and I needed to find an opportunity, an event that allowed me to express and release some of that in a very unhealthy way, I should add. So I hurt my son's feelings by, because I need to vent or this happens also. Like, you know, let's say you're, you're, you have been working hard and you know, things haven't gone your way in this, in a project. And then you leave to go home and all the lights are red so that you can scream or somebody like cuts in front of you so that you can curse at him. Like, you know, we create because every emotion, like every emotion radiates, exudes, vibration, energy. So we unconsciously manifest, create, attract experiences that are gonna allow us to connect again with the very unpleasant emotion that we've been experiencing so that we can release some of it and feel like, okay, I can do this now. Okay. Having said that, we have a limited capacity to hold certain emotions and we oftentimes suppress those emotions inside our bodies. So we get to manage the emotions in a healthy way. So suppression expression and I think avoidance and escaping, like, I think that one is self explained. That's when we choose not to even deal with it. We ignore it. At that point, the emotion is inside of you. Like you have a piece of meat that you haven't even chewed. You know, you're going to get bad breath, like a lot of things are going to happen. Or you're going to swallow that and it's not going to be able to be processed in your stomach because you didn't bite it into, like, small pieces, whatever that is, using the analogy of food. But neither one of those is healthy. So then how do we manage? If it's not to suppress, if it's not to express, if it's not to avoid, how do we manage emotions? How do I manage this pain that I experienced when my daughter went to heaven? What do I do with it? I feel it without resistance. I feel it without judgment. I allow myself to sit with it. And it's not a bad feeling. It's not a negative feeling. It's a feeling. It is what it is. That's all it is. It's neutral. And I allow myself to cry. And I allow myself to. To have something like a tight block in my chest or a broken heart. And I allow myself to be in bed for days and having a hard time getting out of it. And I allow myself to not smile. I allow it. When you give yourself permission to feel without resistance, without venting, without judging that feeling, you are able to let it go. It flows through you. It goes through that process of chewing, accept, you know, acceptance, swallowing, processing, and pooping. But if you resist it, then you're suppressing always a little part of it. Think of an unpleasant emotion you're experiencing right now. Or maybe you're super happy, Go lucky and life is good. Then reflect on a time during which you were in a little bit of a funk and you couldn't shake off these unpleasant feelings. How do you experience that feeling? How do you express it? Like, are you crying? Are you just being still to you? Do you feel, like, pain in your heart? Is it anxiety? Because, by the way, it doesn't have to be grief. It doesn't have to be frustration. It doesn't have to be anger. Anxiety is an emotion. Are you fighting it? Are you like, no, everything's okay. I shouldn't think this way. This is not true. It's okay. No, no, no. Don't believe that thing that is in your mind that's already. That's processing. You must feel it first. Sit with the anxiety. Let it flow through you. You don't have to believe your sweaty palms and your racing heart. You can just feel it. You can just allow it. Surrender to the experience of that emotion. In the measure that you surrender to it, that you allow yourself to feel it without judgment, you are able to process and let it go. But if your emotion does not get to your gut, if you never swallowed it, then it's going to stay inside of you. Does that make sense? Well, now that you know that you get to feel the feel, I also want to give you a little bit for the processing part. We've spoken about affirmations, we've spoken about reframing, but today I want to tell you about redirecting that emotion. Early on, during my grief, I had a lot of flashbacks and it was dark. I would often think, like, what did she think right before she died? Did she think, mommy's not protecting me. Mommy, where are you? Was she struggling to breathe, to take a breath? Was it quick? How did it happen? Did she go in the water and then couldn't swim? Or did she get. I don't know. I still don't know how it happened. So I would have flashbacks, imagining, visualizing. And of course, my imagination was my worst enemy. And I remember talking to my spiritual director at some point and he said, redirect that emotion. Like your attention, I should say. So instead of paying attention to the flashbacks, the thoughts, the emotions that were being exacerbated by that experience, he asked me to redirect my attention to doing something for someone else, to being generous, to being kind, to doing an act of service. And I remember every time I would have those flashbacks, I would then call my friend whose son was going through difficult times and was sick at the time, and I would ask how he was doing, or I would call my mom or my grandma and bring a smile to their faces. And it was such a simple act, which obviously you don't feel like doing, but so powerful. And I understand scientifically why that is. When you do an act of kindness, you release oxytocin, which is a feel good hormone. So by blessing someone else, you bless yourself and you change your energy. You shake off that negativity and that pain within you. So the unpleasant emotions take a back seat. I remember the first year, Alain's first birthday after Fofi passed, he was miserable. It was a really painful day for him. And he decided to go visit a friend who had just had a kid and bring him pastelitos, which are some Cuban pastries. And, you know, just to have that gesture with him. And after, like, after having a really hard, painful day at work, he went to his house on his birthday. His friend didn't even know it was his birthday, so it wasn't even about him. And he came home light and feeling so much better, all because he had a shot of oxytocin. By doing an act of kindness by redirecting. So if it's too hard to change the perspective with which you're looking at it, which is reframing, if it's too hard to do affirmations because you can't even think about something that's positive about all of this, then redirect. If you're listening to this, I know you're a person of service. I know you have a big heart. I know you care about others. So then choose the time that you're feeling the most pain to bless someone else. And today, in memory of my daughter, I want to bless you with this podcast. And I pray and hope that it helps heal your heart and it helps all those emotions that are stuck in your body flow through you so that you, my friend, can shine bright. I love you. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you. So thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode, send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me@faithandgrowth.com thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.