Faith in Adversity

Okay, so that's my fofi. And our topic today is faith and adversity. And I think it goes without saying that I have endured excruciating pain and adversity. I understand darkness for the first time in my life. Six, almost seven years ago. I'm a psychologist, and I finally understood why it is that people can go crazy. Because I found myself on the floor of the bathroom multiple nights, rocking back and forth and wanting to tear my head off because I could not. I could not stand the thoughts and reality, just the fact that this was really happening. And I always thought I was a woman of faith. I was brought up in my faith. My parents are here, and they're the ones responsible for that. But I always thought, like, you know, it's never really being tested. I really lived a fairy tale. I married the man of my dreams. I had three healthy kids at the time. I was able to go to school and graduate school and have no debt. And I was pretty lucky. So it's really easy to be faithful when life is great. And then suddenly life wasn't that great. So I didn't know. I didn't know if all that work of my parents instilling that faith in me and me, like, trying to practice and strengthen it, was going to do anything for me. I didn't know if psychology, my skills, were going to do anything for me. Because in moments of despair and moments of darkness, of pain, you don't have the strength. You don't, as a human being, you don't have the strength to carry on. You can have all the skills in the world. And I did. And I still had those nights. I remember the first night that we went home without our daughter. We went to sleep, my husband and I, in her room, and we couldn't fall asleep. And finally we did. And suddenly, I don't even know how, but I was rocking back and forth on the floor of her bathroom. And I swear, like, it must have been God that woke a line up. And it was like an angel came and touched me to get me out of the floor. And. And he shared later on that in that moment, he was like, she's a psychologist. If she's like this, and what do I do with this? I don't know how to deal with this. What I'm trying to say with that is that nobody's ever prepared for adversity, for a pandemic, for a loss, for the loss of a job, of your financial stability, of. Of your health, of your life as you knew it. Nobody is prepared for that. But if you have faith, then you don't have to be prepared. You don't need to have what it takes. You don't need to have the skills. Because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Christ, God gives you the strength. He gives you the grace to carry on and to be able to, to cope with what may have seemed impossible. Because I'm a psychologist, I figured I'd give you some nuggets in today's brief talk. So I'm going to start by doing that. I'm going to. People ask me like, okay, Betsy, I know you were in pain and I know you're very joyful now. And I am the self proclaimed happiest woman on earth. And I don't just say this, and this is not like my Facebook phase or my social media phase. I am genuinely the happiest woman on earth even though or because I have experienced this pain. So people tell me, yes, Betsy, I know that you were in pain. I know that. Excuse me, Chi Chi, I can't do this right now. Grab a little towel from there, please. There are none. Sorry about that. Grab the little one, grab the little one. You scare me. Sorry, guys. So when. So people ask me like, betsy, you were in pain and now you're happy, but how, right? That's the question. How? And I could spend hours here. In fact, I have like an online grief therapy kind of thing and it's three hours long, but the add, your ADD may kick in. So I'm gonna just be super brief and give you like the basics. And if you want more, you can follow, follow me or sign up to my newsletter and you can get tons of things for free. Okay, so step one is feel the pain, right? Like oftentimes when we're in pain, we reject it because the mind tells you, hey, pain is bad. It's a sign of danger. So you know, of course if you're gonna something that's hot, you immediately push back because that's your brain protecting you and telling you, do not feel the pain because there's danger there. But the, but the same is not true for the psyche and for the heart. You need to be sore in order to soar, in order to fly, to become the best version of you that God created you to be. You need to, you have to feel the pain because pain is a fertilizer. And what are fertilizers made up? Poop and pain. Just like fertilizers feel like poop, they stink and it just sounds good. It doesn't feel good. So we want to reject it and get rid of it. But in doing so, we waste the opportunity to grow. Because fertilizers, like pain, help us grow. It nourishes us. It creates resilience and grit. It builds strength, character. It helps you build. It gives you lessons that you would never otherwise learn. So feeling the pain to grow is the number one step to healing and overcoming any sort of adversity. When this pandemic started, I was seriously injured by this whole homeschooling situation. It was painful. And by the way, when I speak about pain, because I'm going to mention that word a lot, pain, to me is everything that's unpleasant, uncomfortable. When the things don't work out the way you want them to work out, that's pain. And so nobody here can tell me that you have not experienced pain. We all experience pain. And when this pandemic started, I had a really hard time with the homeschooling because I work. I had help. I had someone that helped me with the laundry and three times a week with the kids and the deep cleaning. Now I'm the teacher, the cleaning lady, the cook, the laundry maker. I'm everything. And it's hard. I thought I didn't have enough time before, but now I have even less time. So when this first happened, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I can't stand. I remember, like, just complaining and complaining, and I would be in the shower and, like, I would do therapy to myself because I really like to lead by example and apply to myself what I preach. So I'd be like, but, Betsy, you know better. Just accept this. Accept this. You know, it is what it is. But this sucks. And I'm playing school, and I'm the one teaching, and I don't have three computers, and I had to go buy three computers. And fortunately, I was blessed enough to be able to do that. So. So it took me three weeks to get over, and then I would. And then the guilt of, like, really betting. Really, you're complaining about homeschooling when there's people that are sick and they're losing a loved one, like, during this time, like, so then the guilt of, like, oh, but it's bad, but it's not that bad compared to the rest. And one of the things I want to do today is give you permission to feel the pain, to be upset, to complain, to have a pity party. Like, I give you permission. It is important and essential to feel the pain in order to heal. The only way around pain is through. The only way to heal the pain is by feeling the pain. So that's step number one. I sure allow myself to feel the pain. I still remember many moments like those days on the floor of the bathroom in which the goal of the day was to get out of bed. And it's by feeling it that you. I see it like a piggy bank. You know, like if you put. If you have a ceramic piggy bank and you put a quarter, the quarter is going to like, like have a hard fall and it's gonna, like, travel a lot and get to the bottom of the ceramic piggy bank and it's gonna hurt the quarter. And that's how pain is. At the beginning, it, like, hurts so much because there's no cushion. But the more you cry and the more you grieve and the more you feel the pain and you allow yourself your pity parties, the more of a cushion you have on the bottom of that piggy bank. So when the other coins start falling like they have a cushion, and then it's. It doesn't hurt as much as time goes by. The second thing is acceptance. We. Because I was resisting the fact that I had to homeschool my kids and complaining about it, I was like, oh my gosh, all those three weeks I wasted on having the opportunity to deal with the situation, to prepare for it, to embrace it, and just to figure it out to solve the problem. It was necessary, though, you know, I just wish it would have taken me less time. But acceptance, it's the last step in the grieving process, according to research and psychologists. But honestly, like I feel should be the first one. We ought to accept that what it is, is. It is what it is. We ought to accept reality and the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle says this, I think it's to another level. And I hope one day I get to be like him. As if we would have chosen it. And that's a hard pill to swallow because I would have never chosen to lose my daughter. But that's what we strive for, like radical acceptance. Just accept that this happened because when you finally accept the situation, then you let go of the energy that is in. Invested in that resistance, the complaints, all the negativity that you bring upon yourself by not accepting, you get rid of. And now you get to use that pain to heal. You're not adding additional pain by resisting and escaping what is. And something that we should know within acceptance is. If we believe, and I believe this wholeheartedly, and I thank God for my faith and my parents that were so annoying about instilling it in me. If we believe that God's plans for us are better than our own plans, then we will be able to accept things more easily. And I remember, just, like, there was a song that I loved that helped me accept, and it was. It's called I will trust you. And at the beginning, it's someone that also lost his daughter. And at the beginning, he's like, saying, like, you know, like, I want to die, and I don't see anything positive, and everything I see is darkness. And, like, I was like, yes, yes, that's how I feel. And then the song, like, picks up and, like, it suddenly becomes very powerful. And it says, but I will trust you. I will trust you, Lord. I will. Because I know that your plans for me and for my daughter are better than my own. And I remember, like, being in the car and just bawling and being like, you're crazy. You're crazy. But I'll trust you. Like, but I will trust him because he knows better than me. I'm like, I'm human, the guy's God. So I had, like, I just had this fervent desire to believe that even though I couldn't understand it, in my human, limited mind, God's plans for me are better than my own. God's plans for Fofi, my daughter are better than my plans for her. And when you. When you just. When you believe that, then acceptance becomes a little easier. The next thing that helped me is I know from my career and my background and even experiences that events are neutral. Everything is neutral. Money is neutral. Some people say, mo money, mo problems. Other people say, like, oh, a lot of money is great. Evonia had more of it. Money is neutral. Events are neutral. Death is neutral. I always give this example to my clients. I always say, like, you know, if a flight is cancelled, you're going on a trip and the flight is cancelled, is that good or bad? And most people say it's bad. I'm like, well, it's bad if you were taking that flight to go straight to your son's college graduation. It's terrible that they cancel the flight because you're going to miss your son's graduation. But if you're going on a work trip that you really don't want to go on, and you're going to miss out on your daughter's recital because you're going on this work trip, they cancel that flight. And you're like, thank you, Jesus. And you call your boss and you're like, sorry, buddy, I can't go on this trip. And you rush to your daughter's recital, and you make it, and you're the happiest person on earth. So the cancellation of the flight, neutral. Some people experience it as a positive thing or a negative thing, depending on their situation. The same is true for death. Two of my grandparents passed away last year. And when the first one passed away was, like, we didn't expect it. He was very strong and healthy. And when he. When he died, we were, like, very moved, and it was sad and painful, and we really grieved that death. And then a couple months later, my other grandpa also passed. But he had been suffering for so long, he was in so much pain, that for us, it was like a relief, like, thank you, God. Because he was. He wasn't truly living. So it was painful to see him that way. Death neutral. It was positive for one grandparent. It was negative for the other one. And if we understand that every event, every experience, everything that we encounter is neither good or bad, then we have the power to interpret to our favor. We decide if it's going to be a good thing or a really crappy thing. This pandemic. At the beginning, everybody said, oh, this is terrible. This is terrible. And we're all having our pity parties, and we're all feeling the pain. And then as time has gone by, we've had the opportunity, some of us, to accept that we lost our jobs, that there's no money to pay this or that, that, you know, we have people that are sick. We don't know if they're going to make it. We experience all these things. But then, now I see more and more how people are focusing on the blessings, and they're interpreting in a way that it serves them. I see how many people are doing all these beautiful acts of kindness to serve the medical staff that we're so grateful for. I see people reaching out, donating plasma to help our cancer patients. I've never led so many rosaries in my life. I've been praying rosaries for some patients that we are very fond of and we're praying for, and we're embracing being able to be with our family at home. So much so that I've always thought that I wanted my family to be, like, glued to me. Like, I would have my husband right here and my kids everywhere. And now I'm like, I'm gonna go for a run. Like, I've had a lot of them, like, enough of them. But I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it because they're listening to this. So interpret to your favor because Shakespeare said, nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. So we have the power to decide if something is going to hurt us or make us stronger. And if we understand that pain is a fertilizer, then everything that hurts is like, yes, bring it on. Bring it on, God, I got it. I got this. Help me in the process, please. But, yeah, I really have clients that think I'm a little crazy. And for, like, a masochist, I'm always telling them, like, pain is awesome. And I'm jealous of your pain because you get to learn from it. I don't. And it is. It is a fertilizer. It humbles you, it brings you closer to God. It helps you accept help from other people, and it gives you a grant, a picture, like a perspective. Like, you know, now when my kids are driving me crazy, I'm like, thank you, Lord, because they're driving me crazy. They're here to drive me crazy because what I would give. What I would give to homeschool four kids and not three, what I would give. So pain brings perspective. The next thing I wanted to say is you should always hire the best team. A team of people that are going to help you rise up to what God created you to be, that are going to be there listening, that are going to bless you with their presence and encouragement, that are going to support you, but are going to tell you when you are wrong and are going to put you in your place and are going to challenge you and. And people that share your core values. And I will say I have really, really good friends that are. That share my fervent faith. And I have other friends that have faith in different ways. They don't necessarily even believe in God, but they're on the top. Like, of my best friends because. And I caught. There's one that I always tell her, like, you are the best Christian I know. And what's beautiful about our friendship is that though we don't share the same faith in the same people. Like, we both live a faithful life and a Christian life. And she really is the best Christian I know. Like, she's generous, she's loving, she cares about other people. She became my friend because she was doing all these things for me. Usually you do things for someone because they're your friend. This woman will do things for you not knowing you, right? And she will be inconvenienced to help. And those are the kind of people that you Want to surround yourself with people that make you better, people that help you rise, people that encourage you to be a better version of you, because God created you for greatness. Dio no hace por querias. God created us because he's the master. So we're pretty awesome. We're pretty freaking awesome. And then the last thing I want to share is we should create habits that are going to help us accomplish our goals. So my goal at some point was to be happy again. I was the Debbie Downer of the group. I was not fun to go out with. I was always crying. My husband and I would, like, we really made an effort to stay together and process together, even though we process very differently. And I remember, like, every night, we would try to have some quality time and, like, honor each other as husband and wife and remember that we still had each other. And I remember just almost every night, we ended up crying. We ended up crying. It was not fun. So my goal was to be happy again. And the day after. The day after my daughter's passing, I was hiding in my walking closet from the people that were in our house. And my husband and I were there, and we invited our priest in. And my husband desperately was asking him, like, are we ever gonna be happy again? Is it possible to be happy again? You've seen people go through this. Is it possible to be happy again? And the priest said that the people. That some people were happy again and some were never happy. And my husband asked, like, so what's the difference? And he said, the people that are never happy again are people that believe that they ought to love and honor their kid or their loved one through suffering, through tears, through pain. The more you suffer, the more you loved. And that's what society teaches us. Society teaches, like, oh, my gosh, you must have really loved her, because look at how bad she is. Poor thing. And I remember, like, I remember going on an EMEA's retreat and going from like, like, dying to, like. If there would have been a soundtrack in that Emmaus retreat, I would have started with, like. Like a super solemn, like, painful, like, sad music. And I would have finished up with tremendous reggaeton, like, Pra Pra. Because I was so pumped up and, like, full of the Holy Spirit and happy. And I remember the last night we may have done a little dancing. Like, I'm not. This is not part of the Emmaus retreats, you guys. I'm sorry. But we may have done a little dancing, like, the women that were there. And I remember, like, feeling so joyful and dancing with them. And then suddenly I was like, whoa, wait, this. Like, I just lost my daughter. I'm not supposed to be so happy. And we all have all these ideas and paradigms as to what a good parent is. And a good parent must sacrifice and must suffer for their kids. And. And I learned that day with the priest that the people that did overcome the pain and were happy again. Were the people that honored their loved ones through service, gratitude, through faith and love. And I remember in that moment making a decision. I didn't realize that I was making a decision. But I will tell you that whatever you're going through, you may want really badly to overcome it. Like, I really wanted to smile again, and I really wanted to be happy. But really wanting is not good enough. You have to make a decision. And that doesn't mean that, like, you make a decision and then suddenly, boom, you got your happiness. Because that decisions are, like, you know, working out. Like, you say, I'm going to lose 10 pounds. And then you decide you're gonna lose 10 pounds. So you go and you work out for two hours straight. Tremendo hit workout. And then you come home and you eat lechuga kale and a little bit of fish. And then you go to the mirror and guess what's different? Nothing. You look exactly the same. And that's how pain is. In the moment, you experience the excitement and the decision. And you're gonna do this because you really, really want it. But you have to make that decision to be able to take the first steps. And then the next day when you wake up, you have to make the decision again and again and again. And this is why habits are important. And I'll tell you briefly how the brain works to explain why habits are of essence. And when I say habits, I mean like a daily routine or things that you practice repeatedly without having to think about them. The subconscious mind has a few purposes, like the main. The main purpose of the mind is to keep us alive and safe. And the subconscious mind believes whatever you tell it and does whatever you tell it. But it's also in charge of automating as much as possible. So that the mind doesn't have to think about the 3,000. No, 30,000 decisions we make daily. Because if you have to think about what foot your shoe goes in and how is it that you brush your teeth and what hands do you eat with, and all those are decisions that we make every day. But you don't think about them because they've become habitual. They're Automated. So the subconscious mind is in charge of creating automations and habits that will help you by eliminating some of the decisions that you have to make daily. So that when those executive important decisions come up, you have all the energy and the willpower and the capacity to make them right. So the more we automate, the more free space we have in our minds for what really matters and the important situations that come up with the unanticipated. And so three things you want to know about the subconscious mind. It believes whatever you tell it. It doesn't know how to differentiate truth from fantasy. That's why when you go to the movies, you're in the movie theater and you're like, oh my God, this is so painful. And like you're like, those are actors. That's not true. It's not happening. Why are you crying? It's because the subconscious mind believes that what it's experiencing is true. Now this is important because we're constantly telling ourselves a heck of a lot of things, especially when we're in pain, when you're complaining, when you're in pain, when you're telling someone how terrible your day is, you are using your words to speak to that person, but you're also speaking to your subconscious mind and you're telling your mind, my life sucks and this is terrible and I can't believe this pandemic and this is a political thing and this ochino and like you're using all these words because you think it's the truth, it's reality, but the truth is that that's the way you've interpreted or you've chosen to interpret it. So the words that you use to express yourself are really important. Not just express yourself verbally, but also like internally in your mind. So creating habits, thinking habits that are healthy. Like using affirmations, for example, like every time I'm like, if, let's say I'm tired, I'll be like, oh my gosh, I'm so tired. And then I catch myself, I'm like, I'm full of energy. Bring it on. I can do some pushups right now, I bet. Like, and I, I'm a little crazy like that. Like, I am the queen of affirmations. So I will literally just, just repeat. I was a little nervous earlier today because of this. And for those of you that think I don't get nervous, I get super nervous every single time. And I have a mantra that I repeat every time I'm going to do a speech and it's I'm yours. And everything I do is for you and it's a prayer, so I'm yours and everything I do is for you. And instead of saying I'm nervous, I say I'm excited. Because the mind doesn't know any different. She's think, you know, like it confuses excitement with fear, with, with nervousness. So I choose to tell it. I'm excited. Okay, this thing that you're feeling, it's excitement. So that, that interpretation can serve me and help me because I told you guys that the brain, the subconscious mind, believes everything you tell it and does everything you tell it to do. And what that means is it creates the emotions associated with your thoughts and commands. So if you say I'm broke, then your subconscious mind is going to tell your, it's going to tell yourself, your body, like the area of your mind where the emotions are created. Like hey, be super scared, depressed, frustrated. And by the way, like, can you also like slack a little bit so that you continue to stay broke? Because they're telling me that we're broke, so we're broke. This is how it is. And that's why they talk about self fulfilling prophecy. You say, oh, this is gonna happen. That's a prophecy. Self fulfilling means that you contributed to it happening. And it's because of the subconscious mind. You say you think something, oh, life sucks. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna get sick. And then guess why you got sick. Because you told your subconscious mind to lower your defenses and become more vulnerable to getting sick and, and so on and so forth. I know this is like, this mind talk is a little complicated and I have a lot of videos on different things, so please look them up. By all means. But what I wanted to tell you with this is if you create a routine morning, I think it should be a morning routine. But if you want to do it at night because you're a night owl, I'll take it. I just love morning routines. And this is something that I would love to challenge you guys to. If you could create a morning routine in which you incorporated, maybe you wake up an hour, half an hour earlier, 20 minutes earlier for those sleepy heads. And you can practice some of these things that I'm going to share with you now that will transform your life. Because you're starting your day with habits that are reducing cortisol, which is the stress hormone in your body that are energizing you, that are creating a positive mood, that are helping your creativity for like work and that's building up your willpower which is necessary for the patience we need for the kids and the husband and the wife these days. And it just sets you up for success. So building healthy habits is important. Some of the things that you could incorporate in your morning routine include prayer. I can't leave that aside. I practice silent prayer, which is the Catholic meditation. And. And what that looks like is instead of trying to make your mind go blank, you let go of the thoughts. You choose not to engage in them. And the intention of the silent prayer, as opposed to, you know, the intention of meditation is to become one with the universe, and the intention of silent prayer is to become one with God. So you consent to the Holy Spirit so that the Holy Spirit can do the prayer for you. And it opens up the space that you need for when you have to download information from the Holy Spirit. If we're in our minds too much, we don't have that space for the inner wisdom, the divine wisdom to come in. Then we can complain and ask God, please tell me, God, tell me, tell me, tell me, what do I need to do in this situation? Well, he's trying to tell you, but you're too busy thinking and trying to figure it out on your own. So silent prayer is a form of surrender, of stillness that allows for that space to open up for him to come in and give you that divine wisdom. Because there's a scripture that I love. I don't remember. I'm really bad quoting scriptures, but it says something along the lines of, like, your thoughts are not my thoughts and your ways are not my ways. I truly believe that the more we practice silent prayer or prayer in general, our ways and our thoughts become more like God's because we're opening up to that inner wisdom and to that divinity within us. So I wanted to share something real quick to summarize. I promise I'm done. And that's right here. Wait, I wanted. What? Oh, wait. I haven't shared my screen. Okay. I wanted to introduce you to my family. Okay. I always wanted a family picture, and I don't have family pictures because my. Okay there. Because my little one was born after I lost four feet. So this is my family. But one of the things that I practice when it comes to interpretation, and I didn't mention this, I have to, is I reframe, which means I change the perspective of something. I changed the way I look at it. Right? You change. You have the power to change interpretation. And for a while, I was the grieving mom that lost a daughter, and I walked around like the grieving mom that Lost a daughter. Like, I wasn't a happy person. I had, like, a scarlet letter that said, like, pity me. I have a miserable life. And when I finally accepted that this was happening, I decided that I was no longer going to be the grieving mom that lost a daughter, but the chosen mom of an angel. So I decided I was going to be like, I have hookups in heaven and I get anything I want because she's so cute that when she intercedes for me and she goes to Jesus, Jesus is like, you're so freaking cute. Of course I'm going to do what you tell me. So then her mom gets all the hookups. I'm VIP in heaven. But look at how beautiful. I finally got a picture with my entire family. And this is the secret to overcoming. Ah, wait. Okay, so that's my family. And I think it goes along with what Alex was talking about. If we think that we are the center of our lives and we think that we have all this human power to overcome adversity and get through any challenges that we may be in without the man upstairs, we're in trouble. Because, and I know this from a clinical standpoint, I'm a psychologist, and I've had atheists and faithful people and a little bit of everything in between. And the work that has no faith can do is amazing because. And we're awesome. Human beings are amazing. But it's here, as someone that has faith, It's like, sky's the limit, because the human being can get so far as to a wall. The wall grab us and lift us past that wall to be able to continue growing. So when we have God in the center of our lives, as part of our family, as it shows here, then we have the possibility of truly being unstoppable. And people ask me, like, how could you continue to believe even though this happened? How could you still have faith? I'm like, what do you mean, how could I not? Faith is my superpower. It's not psychology. Although I love what I do. Faith. And I will tell you that faith is not just about believing in God. Faith is believing in yourself. Faith is believing in other people. I believed in the priest when he told me that some people were able to overcome this pain. Faith is believing in the process. People come to therapy, and because they believe that therapy is going to help them, then it does. Because if they didn't think it was going to help them, they wouldn't do all the work that it took for it to be able to work. So believing in the process Believing in yourself because you have God inside of you. So you may not be that awesome when it comes to dealing with certain things, but you have God and that's all you need because he'll give you the grace, the wisdom, the strength to be able to carry on and overcome this. So sorry. So faith for you. Fertilizing pain. Use pain as a fertilizer. Don't waste it. There's a difference between suffering and pain. Suffering is pain without hope. It's that darkness. Pain is hope because pain is the fertilizer. It's what God allows you to experience so that you can become closer to him and to what he created you to be. Acceptance, it is what it is. And once you accept it, you eliminate resistance. Interpretation. Use reframing and overcome this. So sorry. So faith for you. Fertilizing pain. Use pain as a fertilizer. Don't waste it. There's a difference between suffering and pain. Suffering is pain without hope. It's that darkness. Pain is hope because pain is the fertilizer. It's. It's what God allows you to experience so that you can become closer to him and to where he created you to be. Acceptance, it is what it is. And once you accept it, you eliminate resistance. Interpretation. Use reframing to change the perspective. Team. Be surrounded by the people that are going to make you better. And habits. Engage in a morning routine. Include a little bit of movement of the body. Workout, gratitude, exercises, prayer. Hydrate yourself. Even if it's like five minutes of push ups and five minutes of prayer and five minutes of gratitude, that's 15 minutes that are going to set you up for your day and for life. So you may have all these nuggets to help you overcome adversity, but faith is the glue. If you don't believe in yourself in this process and in that, God is going to give you the strength, the wisdom, the ability, the skills to overcome whatever you're experiencing, then it's pointless. So faith is it to me. And I have some people that are just joining in. Okay, so that's, that's it. That's what I. I know I went over my time. I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay.