Feb 10, 2026-Cohort 8

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful day. Thank you for the opportunity to be here with these lovely girls. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for our faith. Thank you for the opportunity to be one with you and learn awesome things. May you be the one leading today's session, and may we have an open heart and receive whatever graces you have in store for us today. We take a moment to center our senses upon your presence by taking a deep breath. We're going to inhale your peace, Lord. Hold it. Spread that peace all over and release any anxiety, any fear, anything that prevents you from being fully present. And in his peace here right now, we're going to inhale wisdom. Hold that wisdom, send it to your mind, send it to your body, and release any resistance to listening to and learning the thing that God has in store for you today. And lastly, we're going to inhale love. Hold that love, Spread it, feel it, and release also love, because love is meant to be shared. Take a moment of silence to set our intention for today. What do you. What do we hope to get out of today? One last deep breath to anchor our intention. Come, Holy Spirit, we love you like crazy. Amen. Let's go. Okay. So last week we ran a little late, and I just wanted to share a little bit of what I was doing with Bea. I. Psychoanalytic theory says focuses on the underlying problem. So she was talking about the situation with her mom and her daughters. And when I was asking more questions about, like, her and the mom and what do you think and what do you feel and what was your. The idea was to go deeper and deeper and deeper, peeling that onion to understand where that came from. Psychoanalytic goes back to the history of the person, the relationship with the mom. All those things are really important in understanding the underlying problem behind the symptoms that are being presented, right? So I went a little bit into hers. I went a little bit into the moms. Let's not get too caught up on doing therapy for another person while coaching for another person, while we're working with the one person, right? Like, I didn't want to fall too far into what. What's your mom. Where did she come from? Like, I did go a little bit into that to create some awareness for her so that she could understand where she came from and why she was raised the way she was raised. But ultimately, I. I needed to come back to her. In the end, I was like, screw psychoanalysis, because, in addition. So I Love. I love conceptualizing in the light of psychoanalysis because I do believe that there's always an underlying problem that's deeper than the symptom. And if we only deal with symptoms, they're just going to. Other symptoms are going to pop up later on because we haven't taken care of the virus, the bacteria, the thing that underlies, right. We're just giving Tylenol for the fever, Benadryl for the rash, but something else is going to come up. So I love conceptualizing in the light of psychoanalysis. Personally. That's something that I really appreciate. However, the format in which psychoanalytical coaching is done is very. I don't know that the word is impersonal, but very. Like, I am the. Not the authority. Like, in Spanish it's called supuesto saber, right? Like, I'm, I'm the. Like, I'm. I'm the guide and you are the. The person being guided. And I am, I'm. I'm a blank slate, right? Like, I'm. I'm just here for you to, like, share and process and, you know, not be talking to the air. But there's not too much engagement, connection, like. Like love, deliciousness. And I can't, Like, I, I love my clients. I love. On my clients also. So I, I would be a terrible psychoanalyst. Psychoanalyst. Psychoanalyst. Because I just. I want to hug you when you come to the office. I want to touch you. I want to. I want to like, deform my face when you're telling me something sad so that you know that I'm right there with you. When in psychoanalysis there's like, flat effect. In fact, that's the traditional meme where the psychoanalyst is like. Like sitting with a notebook and then the person is laying on a couch on the side, not even looking at you. That's what I did, by the way, when I went to grad school and I wanted to experience therapy so that I could learn from it. My. My therapist was a psychoanalyst. So she would sit in her chair and I would lay on. On a bed, like, looking at a wall, at a blank wall. And she was right here. I don't know if she had, like, weird faces with the things that I was saying. You know, if she had reactions, I couldn't see them. And the idea of that is. Is so that there's. It's a. It's like a, Like a, Like a wall, right? And that's a traditional. And how do you feel about it? And what else? And, you know, like, how does that make you feel? That's. That's like the traditional form of therapy slash coaching. There's value to it when, when you're doing. When you, when you have that flat affect, when you, when you're not. When there's no judgment of any sort, even if it's empathy, right? Like, you know, empathy is. Or there's no emotion in your affect, including empathy, then the other person is. Is kind of like forced to. To go deeper without being biased or influenced by the other person in front of them. So there's value to it, and I appreciate it. And I loved having a psychoanalyst, but I went to a psychoanalyst because I was very matter of fact. I want to do this work. I want to go deep. I didn't need. I wasn't looking for connection. I actually was going to a psychoanalyst, psychoanalyst in, In Miami. So that was in Puerto Rico when I was in grad school. But in Miami, I was going to a psychoanalyst when Fofi died. And I stopped going because I was. I was not connected with that therapist at all. At all. I was going there to. To work on being a better mom because I noticed some patterns that I was repeating from my mom, and I didn't want to pass them along to my daughter. And he was the perfect person because psychoanalysis deals with history, you know, family history and family of origin relationships and, you know, patterns that are being passed on. So that I went for that very matter of fact, like, this is what I want to work on. Let me go deep. The moment Fofi died, I, I. I couldn't even go back to him because I couldn't talk. Like, I couldn't. I didn't feel safe being vulnerable. I couldn't talk to him. I didn't think he cared enough about me. And my husband was like, hey, you already have a therapist. Let's go. So he went with me because I couldn't even tell him what happened. I didn't have that relationship with him. So my husband told him, and we never came back. I never came back. If a client of mine tells me something like what I went through, I stalked him. I'll call them. I'll show up at their house, love on them, send them men's messages, like, I don't know, send them flowers. I would stalk them, right? So it just didn't align with my style or my personality. And, But. But there's. There's goodness in all the theories. So last week when, you know, I wanted to illustrate a little bit of that, I would have been like, in my. That personal style, I would have been a little more. I would have probably said more things to invite Bea's perspective. But I was being mindful of making it psychoanalytic. And I was very like, okay, and then what else and what. And I didn't talk much. You don't talk a lot when you're doing psychoanalysis. Like, it's the other person, like, going deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. You're just there to. You only intervene to open path. An open path means peel the onion. Go deeper, go deeper, go deeper, go deeper. But you don't share too much of you. You don't. In psychoanalysis. You don't share stories of yourself that people can relate to or see themselves in. You don't say anything about you like, oh, let's say, you know, Bea would have asked me, like, what do you think about that? I'd be. From a psychoanalytic perspective. Perspective. I'd be like, what do you think? Like, how you return the question? Or why is what I think important to you? How will that change? Right? Like, you never answer. It's super annoying and powerful and beautiful both end. So I want you to learn all these theories so that then you can decide what you connect with and what feels true to you. But I think they're all true. I think they're all good. It's just a matter of, like, what. What aligns the most with me? And I will share that. Today we're going to talk about cbt. And I was naturally more cbt, Cognitive behavior. I was studying engineering before I came across psychology. So I was like, math two plus two is four. And I had. In grad school, my supervisor was die hard psychoanalytic, and she could not deal with me. So we would do group supervisions. And I would always think in cbt, like, oh, like that's negative thinking. Or, you know, like, I was focusing on the symptoms. And she would. She would go to each person, like, oh, you know, supervising a client. And when she would like, oh, good job, good job, good job. When she came to me and I would tell her what I thought she would have to do role playing, because I suck so badly in the psychoanalytic model. And then. And then I understood, like was like, I finally got it. I'm like, oh, my gosh, there is power in psychoanalysis. So then, now I love to conceptualize and under concept. Conceptualizing is understanding something in the light of theory, right? So I like to Conceptualize or understand a person's situation in the light of psychoanalysis. What is the deeper rooted problem and where does it come from? And what are the patterns in the family of origin that led them here? Right. Like, I love understanding conceptualizing in the light of psychoanalysis. I love using CBT tools. CBT is packed with tools that help you like, repair your functioning quickly. It's focused on the here now, it's focused on the symptoms. So it helps you deal with something that's really bothering you right now. And I think that provides relief and hope. So I use CBT tools to provide immediate relief and tools that helps the person cope and be more functional while I go deeper into the, from a psychoanalysis perspective into understanding what the problem is and creating more long lasting tools and interventions that will support that person. So I, and then I'm obsessed with psychosynthesis, which is the last psychology theory we'll discuss because it's like kind of like the bridge between psychology and spirituality and systemic, which we'll learn is the one for couples and relationships and ultimately says like, we're all one, we're all a big puzzle and whatever one piece does will impact the rest of the puzzle. So my main conceptualization theory personally is psychoanalysis. I use a lot of CBT tools. I believe in us being one with the people around us and God while we're at it. So I love systemic, I love couples therapy. And then psychosynthesis is a beautiful way of, of connecting to spirituality. We'll get there. So I'm teaching you all these things. I hope you find value in all of them. In the academy, like in, in, in, you know, in the university, professors prefer that you marry one. They like for, for you to like just marry one theory. And I was like, what? Like, no, like, like, I like, I like to like tap into all of them, whatever. But then I understood why if you are conceptualizing from different theories, you're a hot mess. And then it's like, okay, so what do you focus on? How do you intervene? Like, usually the interventions are based on what you understand the problem is. So I think ultimately what they were trying to convey is conceptualize with just one theory and then knock yourself out with tools from different perspectives. But don't have an aroco mango when understanding something, you know, a situation because then what do you prioritize if you have ungaro con mango, right? So I think, I think it is important to see which one like does it for you, which one resonates the most for you. And there's no. No wrong answer. Make sense? Do you follow? Yeah. Okay, cool. Any questions about last week, that coaching session? If not, you can just unmute yourself and share with me about today. Where are you? How are you applying, what we are learning? How is your life changing? Do you have any questions? So let's combine the. The checking in with the Q and A today so we have a little more time of coaching. And then, Christine, we'll start with. Any thoughts about the previous classes, any support that you need. Are you all caught up? Do you need any help with the master classes?

I can start by sharing. Oh, who's.

No, go ahead. Sorry. That's okay.

It'll be quick.

It'll be quick. Basic infamous statement, right? We always say it'll. It'll be quick and it takes forever. But I did have an engagement. It was a little bit forced because I was trying to support a family member through a medical issue. Right. I happen to be the doctor of the family because obviously there's a lot of discordination nowadays, unfortunately, in the medical field. So as a result, in a nutshell, there was a little bit of controversy between the sisters. Caregiving for our elderly parents is just extremely challenging. Going through it myself with my sister, and we noticed that the struggles that we had, and I think the only way I can say is the only time that we, quote, unquote, fought or disagreed was in the caregiving of my mother. It's just a very stressful situation. I've seen it in patients and their families all the time. That being said, I saw an opportunity to be able to engage with her and kind of delve into her reactionary, stick my head in the sand, not deal with the situation. And there was conflict between her and her sisters about that. So very convoluted. In my own little rudimentary way, I was able to use some of the identification of defense mechanism for her in that situation. And I kind of engaged with her and tell her how so and allowed her, if anything, a venting session, so to speak. And. But it was more of a realization for her of what she was doing that she had not realized she was doing and how it was further aggravating the situation. So it's interesting because she knows I'm taking this life coaching and everything and trying to get her a little bit more towards the faith, towards the base. There's a lot to do with the upbringing. Not that they weren't, but. And. And it was nice to hear her say, she goes, well, guess what, you got an A. Plus because I was a different person the next day, for whatever it's worth, at least it was my little way of saying, hey, you know, as selfish as we are, it's like, hey, it was a self validating thing. So just wanted it to share that and, and hopefully that's what my purpose is, right to be able to. And my intention for this is to be able to learn how to engage in a more constructive, productive way. So thank you for that. Thank you all. So I just wanted to share that.

You just made my day. You just made my day. So you've already been the go to person for medical things and now you're going to be able to back it up with disgrace and wisdom and, and it makes me so happy. It makes me so happy. Thank you for putting it into practice already.

Thank you all. Thanks.

Oh, that makes me happy. And Christine, was it you that. Who wanted to also share?

Yeah, I was just. You said about last week and so I've been keeping a running Google Doc to kind of put it all together between listening to the master class, looking at the program section of that week and then trying to take some of those and put it into a Google Doc. You had mentioned last week in one of the, should I call it the program or whatever the insert is for that week with the masterclass. And one of the things that came up was for me, I don't remember my dreams. I don't even know if I have them. I'm sure I do. That is the complete opposite of Janet, my partner. She remembers everything vividly. She can tell you if a button was purple or black, if a car was green, like she remembers it all and she'll wake up and just vomit all the specifics. But for me, I think one of the things that came up was that I don't remember my dreams at all because you mentioned examples of dream analysis flying. So I don't dream. I don't know if that means anything. What that comes to. The other thing that had mentioned in last week was what did you want to be when you grew up? That was something that was not brought up growing up. So there was no emphasis in, I guess, exploring that part of the future. So you mentioned about key aspects of dream exploration and symbolism and interpretation, methods and purpose and things like that.

And.

I just figured it out, I guess on my own. So what's the question? Is there in one?

I don't know.

I guess it's more like, hey, I.

Was just gonna ask you, is it.

Okay that you're talking to Somebody who doesn't remember the dreams and who doesn't.

Even think that they dream dreams. Usually, medically speaking or biologically speaking, dreams typically happen during REM sleep. And you have, like, four to six dreams a night. But if you don't wake, right. Wake up right after that dream, you may not encode it, like, remember it, bring it to memory. So that you don't recall dreams doesn't mean that you don't dream. It may mean that you don't remember that you dreamt. It may mean that you're not resting enough to get into rems, you know, REM sleep, which is that deeper, more restful sleep. But no, I don't. I. Most of the time, I don't remember any dream. I. You know, I may swear I don't dream, and then there's that one time or. But it may be that I woke up right after. So then I was able to kind of like, encode it, right? Like, remember it, like, bring it to memory. But no, no, no, it's not. It's not a problem. If you ever dream and it's weird and it keeps lingering, get curious. Just, is this, like, what is. And listen, you don't have to look for the five bucalera, cinco, patajal, gato, the five legs of the cat, because the cat has only four. So if it's something that, like, repeats itself or it sparks your curiosity, get curious about it. But I've had plenty of dreams that I'm like, that was random, but I don't think anything of it because doesn't spark my curiosity or I'm not going through something that I. That. That I need to be curious about. What is right. Like, if so. So don't. Don't overthink it, but get curious if. If it's something that, like, touched you in a special way or that is repetitive. Yeah. All right, Any questions? Any more questions? You guys want to do a little review of this thing? For those of you who didn't have a chance to catch up just yet.

Are we talking about week two or week three?

The one we're in now we're in cbt and habits. Habits is one of my favorite classes, too. Did anybody find habits helpful? Tablet formation.

I'm still going through the master class. I've got about, like, 20 minutes left on the habits, but it's. It's a lot to take in for sure. And then try to connect with it as well.

What is. What is hard to take to take.

You're just reading the information and Then you're trying to like, identify schema. Like there were several of them. Right. Person, social, self, event. And then you're trying to. Well, you are, like, trying to apply it to your life.

Right.

So. So who wants to share something that. I don't know? Did anybody have a breakthrough then? Did everybody do the homework?

I'm just recognizing a lot of things that I haven't thought about in a while, which is growing up in my home as a child. My parents were divorced when I was.

4.

And I grew up with a very strict and abusive dad, in a sense that.

So what did you learn about your upbringing, Christine? Based on the theories.

That I'm recognizing that some of the things that I'm having my future now, or maybe some things I haven't dealt with as the past.

Okay, that's psychoanalysis. Great job.

And. Or I have dealt with them.

And.

Allowed myself to be, well, I guess a better person. Why do I say that? Like I mentioned, I didn't grow up with a lot of encouragement, so I had to do it myself. And I think through the years, being around the right people and hearing the right words and messages have allowed me to be where I am today. But we're all a work in progress. Right.

You wanted to share something in the.

In the habit section that you mentioned. Atomic habits. That. That's a really good book. I read that.

Yeah.

When I was like, I just been through transplant, and I was just trying to change my mindset and change something little every day. And it's a small, small little changes that you make and you continue to just exercise that same small thing. Eventually it becomes a habit. Just like, I mean, I have a routine. I get up, I use the restroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. So those little things like that, I really. The. The habits thing really resonated with me and that book, which I'm gonna go back and read again because there's a lot of good tidbits that he has in there, and it's a really good book to read.

Very good. Very, very good book. Yeah. For those of you who didn't have the chance to do the master classes, I'm going to do a quick review so that we can have a more productive conversation. Let's see. Cognitive behavioral theory essentially combines behavioral and cognitive, which we discussed. We discussed behavior last week. You were assigned behavior last time. Essentially, in a nutshell, behavioral theory says that our behaviors as human beings are informed by the way they are reinforced or not. Reinforcement is anything that increases the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring. Positive reinforcement increases the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring. Negative reinforcement increases the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring. A lot of people think like, oh, positive increases, negative decreases. If it's a reinforcement, it always increases the likelihood of the behavior reoccurring. The difference between positive and negative is that positive reinforcement, you're giving something to the person that's going to inspire them to do it again, and negative reinforcement, you're removing something that bothers them so that they do it again. Right? Like if. If I give someone, you know, let's say my son yesterday, he was doing the dishes. He was doing the dishes without me telling him. So I was like, machito, let's go. Wow, I'm so grateful, so proud. So I was praising him. That's me giving him something that he likes that will then maybe, like, he'll think about it like, oh, my mom's gonna, like, praise me again. Let me do it again. Right? So give him something. But let's say he. Let's say a little kid, he doesn't like to be. To hold hands or be grabbed by the arm when crossing the street. Then I'll tell him, like, listen, look both sides, to both sides. I'm teaching them how to cross the street. Look to both sides. And then I'll. I won't touch you. You can cross the street without me holding your arm. Then I'm removing something that bothers them. So positive, give something. Negative, remove something. Like my husband. My husband, if I want him to do something, I give him a blowjob. And that'll always increase the likelihood of him wanting to do it again. If I want to give him a negative reinforcement, no lo hodo. Ay, no le guta que lojoda. He doesn't like to be bothered. So I take the nagging away from him. And that's negative reinforcement. Either way, he's going to increase the likelihood of doing the thing, right? So positive versus negative. So behavioral theories considers mainly that we're like behavioral beings, right? So it doesn't include the thought you had about a behavior, the connection of how you. The emotions you had. Like, I felt good when this happened. It's all like, was it reinforced? Was it not reinforced? Right. That's why I didn't get too. Too much into it. Because then cognitive. I kind of combined it with cognitive behavior. It used to be a masterclass class before in and of itself. And essentially cognitive is the opposite. Like, everything happens in the brain. Like if. If you had negative thinking, if you had Catastrophic thinking. If you know, like what you. And what you thought is how and how you think. And it talks about the different stages. I think I included that here. Let me see the different stages of development. Cognitive development here. Yeah, here it is. So it explains a little bit of each. Like, you know, from birth to two years, the kids don't know. They don't have object permanence. Right. Like if. If a toy is here and then it's not. They're not looking for it, it's gone safway like, you know, whereas object permanence is when. When they know that if it's no longer here, it must have gone somewhere else. Right. So it talks a little bit about how we tend to think since we're little. And it explains the different, the different levels or faces of thinking. And then so the here sensory motor. Motor is like I touch, I grasp, I suck. Like, you know, like the, like the pomo. Like all the things that we like kids are constantly like feeling the world through the five senses, if out of sight, out of mind. The pre. Operational is that when they start thinking, they start using like words and pictures to represent life. Like, so that's a little more abstract than I have to touch it for it to exist now. Like, okay, I can see a picture of something and it means something. Language is starting to become part of their lives. Concrete is more like logical. We have a lot of men in our lives that are still in the concrete operational stage. They're so practical. And if they see it, if it's soupless to his four, then okay, so this is where they're more logical, very practical. They can understand things at a higher level. They don't have to touch it. Two plus two can be four.

And.

You don't have to touch the two, right? So you can start making sense of things and organize them and be a little more logical. And then the formal operational stage is when you can also do abstract things so that you could do. You could solve problems mathematically, scientifically. Like, you know, now you don't need to like see it in a, like with a shape, a concrete thing. Like you can process it mentally. Like imagine, you know, that's. That's where we're all here. Like we're all. Hopefully we're on the formal operational stage where you can, where you can think things that are not necessarily concrete, that are abstract and you can understand concepts. This is where concepts, not just things, become a part of our lives. And we talk about different things here, like schemas. I explain everything Here. But one of the things that I think is the most important about these schemas is that we have. Schemas are like ingrained beliefs about something. Like, parents are supposed to die before their kids. That's a belief. That's an ingrained belief that I think most of the people in our. In our society sign up, subscribe to. Right? Like, we believe parents go first because they're older. And it is what it is. Right? And then a schema like that is. Is challenged. I know Madeline and I have been, you know, have gone through that. And then you have to figure out what you do with that information. So are you going to assimilate? Which means you're taking your information into the schema and you're gonna now modify your beliefs. So, like, you know, typically parents die before their kids, but that's not always the case. Right? Like, so now you're gonna assimilate that new information that showed you, like, oh, that didn't happen with you. And then you can change and adapt to a new scheme, a new way of thinking. Like, usually this is what happens, but it's not a. It's not a necessary. You know, it's not necessarily true or always the case. Accommodation is. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Assimilation is when you. When you welcome it. Like, you know, sorry, the kids usually go. I'm sorry, Parents usually go before the kids. But in this case, right, like, assimilation is more like there's still resistance. In this case, it didn't happen. But that's how it is when people have prejudices. You see this all the time. Like, oh, if someone is black and there's a song in Spanish, it's terrible. What is it that it says, if a black man is running, he stole something. If a white man is running, he's an athlete. There's prejudices. And people who assimilate will be like, that particular black person, Hispanic person, Asian person, whatever person is like, kind of the exception, right? So assimilation is like, okay, I'll deal with this. But that's not what it is. Accommodation is when you change your beliefs based on the new information. So let's say, like, I've. I've witnessed a lot of prejudice with black people because I. I went to school in. In Maryland for an exchange program. And I. They thought I was black. Cause I was Puerto Rican. So they put me with all African Americans. And it so happened that there was, like. There were, like, threats and things happening that semester. I couldn't believe it because I come from Puerto Rico and In Puerto Rico, you're coffee, milk, milk and coffee, you know, like combined. But you're Puerto Rican, right? Like it doesn't matter if you're black or purple or yellow. It doesn't matter. You're Puerto Rican, right? So I had never experienced this. And when I went to this, to this school and was living with black, one of my suite mates was the Black Student Union precedent. And like she had to get like escorts and all sorts of security because of all the threats that we were going through. And I remember having conversations with my professors because I was like in a cultural shock. I thought racism was from, for like history books. I didn't know it was a thing like that. It was real. And I witnessed how some people would assimilate and be like, okay, black people are like not good except for this person who's smart and dedicated and whatever, or accommodation would be like, oh, you know, like, man, I've met three black people that are incredible human beings and very smart. And like I was wrong, right? And they changed their schema, their beliefs, their perspective on them. And then equilibration is when there's like a balance between the two. The, there's, you know, sometimes we assimilate, sometimes we accommodate. We discern. Right. Like there are times that we expand our minds and create new beliefs and there are other times that we're like, no, that's an exception. So that's essentially what these mean. And this has to do a lot with like close mindedness, open mindedness, like ego pride. So these are good to know because we'll have people who have different levels of assimilation and accommodation. And if they're really all gun hole on, no, this is what it is. And I'm not going to accept anything different. Then knowing who you're working with to see how open they are to these possibilities will dictate how you address them. And, and how do you convey something with conviction so that it's well received?

Can I ask a question?

Yes, please. Thank you. Interrupt me whenever because I, I can't see you guys. Thank you.

No, I just. When it comes to having those schemas, especially in your own family, how do you deal with them?

How do you deal in regards to racism?

Yeah. And for example, the, you know, the, the assimilation. Is that the one, the first one that you know and they're stuck in there? You know, I've heard a lot where we're Cuban, okay, so we have black Cubans, but that person's not black. What do you mean they're not black? They walk down the street. People don't know that they're Cuban. They just see a black person. How can you be so. Like, it drives me bonkers. It drives me bonkers. And I'm like, you want. That person walks down the street and they're black. Nobody knows. Oh, yeah, that person's a Cuban. It doesn't matter. So they, they're stuck in this. And it's very hard to, Especially in this climate that we're living in right now. I've gone to the point where I just avoid these people because I don't want to have. But there's going to be other times in my life where it might be somebody that I might be coaching or whatever. So how do we, you know, with tact and diplomacy and, you know, also sometimes understanding. Because you've got somebody that has been brought up, taught, learned, you know, this is what they know for 60 years, 70 years. You know, you're not going to change their mind overnight. So just kind of.

Thank you. So what you said is a, Is a. Is an example of assimilation. Like, not black. It's Cuban. Like, they're like, I won't change my idea of blacks. I just, I'm just gonna judge that person as a Cuban, not as a black. Right. But how do you remember that? We're not here to impose our ways. And that's hard because if you, you know, we have. We feel strongly about certain things and values. Like, I, I have zero tolerance for people to. I don't know, I have zero tolerance for. For racism. I, I believe we were all created to God's image and likeness, and we all want. And I, you know, I'm. I'm Catholic, and I'm a practicing Catholic, and I also struggle with people judging homosexuals. I struggle with people. I, I struggle with judgment.

God created something. We're all here.

And, And I also understand that I'm not here to convince people of my perspective. So if I see that I feel a little triggered by someone talking a certain way about another person, I first put myself in check. Like, I pray. I'll pray in the middle of a session and be like, like, Lord, like, help me be grace. Because if I'm going to judge them for judging others, then I'm doing the same thing with them. Right? So I'll recenter if I feel triggered, like, like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe this person is saying that and I'm judging them. In my head, I pray. I pray to recenter and then I, I make it about helping Them be their best selves, regardless of what that is looking like in terms of prejudice or whatever. Right. So. So I don't know if they say. I don't know if they say, like, no, because the black people or whatever. I could be like, okay, like, tell me a little bit about what you mean by that. Like, what do you mean about black people? And then I treat it as if they would have told me or the person who had the purple clothes.

Right.

So, like, once I keep myself in check, like, I recenter. And then after I recenter, I go and I'm like, okay, tell me what about that person? And I make it about the person rather than the race or the whatever to help create some awareness. And sometimes they realize how ridiculous they're being with, you know, like, and. And then I understand.

What about.

What about. Oh, April, you're not muted.

I was going to ask that question.

Yes.

So what if they ask you, do you see them? What if. What if they ask you, do you see them as Latin or black? How do you answer?

What do you see them as?

They're both. I mean, they're both. Right.

I mean, like, we get to be mindful of. And we'll talk about it more when we do the practicum, we get to be mindful of not bringing our own biases. Yeah, because, you know, they're biased. They may be racist, and that's the bias they have. But I am biased against bias. Right. Like, so we all bring our biases. We all have. We're all biased. Is that related or connected to what we're helping the person with? If it is, we bring it up, like, help me understand. Where did that come from? What is it about? Maybe, like you said, maybe they just brought it from their. Their families of origin, and they're not. They haven't questioned it. So we give them an opportunity to question it. But if we immediately judge, and we are going to judge. That's why I recenter, like, whenever I'm like. Like, it's happened to me. Like, I've worked a lot with narcissistic men in relationship coaching, and, like, as soon as I see what they're doing, like, it boils my blood because, you know, they. They come across as, like, so confident about, like, you know, the gaslighting and the. They ended. They're the victims in the end.

And.

And, like, I see what they're doing, and I'm like, no, you are not treating this woman the way you like. Not in my. Not in my eyes, not in my presence. And then I'm like, this is also a guy who's suffering. So I keep myself in check. I'm like, lord, let me see him with your eyes. I pray that a lot. Let me see him with your eyes. Because I need to connect with that person first so that then I can help him change. And you have no idea how many times they've said like, like things that I'm like, no, you did not say that in my presence. Like, because I wanted my space to be a safe space. And sometimes they're saying things that, like, I'm not okay with that. But I don't have the relationship to call them out and keep them in therapy, in therapy or coaching. So I have to earn that first. So I'll literally be like, come Holy Spirit, but hurry up, hurry up and come Holy Spirit. And like, just, just bring me back to neutral and help me love this guy. Help me see him with your eyes. I had a professor who I. I'm sure I've said this in one of the master classes. I love him forever. He's. He's in heaven, God willing. And he was, he was my, my family and couples therapy professor in, in grad school. And I was, we were in family class, family therapy class. And I had, I was doing a, a session with him that all the other students were going to be watching in the one way mirror. And like, I had. Well, I saw. So I saw these people. Then the next week when this family was supposed to come to therapy, they didn't show up. And when I called, the wife was like, betsy, I had to call the police. He hit me again. And like, he was abusive to her. And I was infuriated. I wanted to punch the guy. And I was so pissed off. And my professor is like, ejun cabro and Betsy, Ejun cabro Humberta. And I'm like, yes, he's a motherfucker. And he's like, pero jun cabron que sufre. But he's a motherfucker that suffers. And that I can, I will never forget that. Like, I will never forget that lesson. Because he was like giving me ammunition and getting my back. I'm like, yes. I could even curse and say that he's un cabron e un cabron que sufre. So I just stay with that. And I've worked with pedophiles, I've worked with narcissists, I've worked with the bottom of the bottom of the bottom of the pit, right? Like the people who. Nobody has grace or mercy For. And I. And I've been able to see, like, I had once an exhibitionist who would describe his penis to me. He really wanted me to know what his penis, like, looked like. It had, like, a curve and everything, because, you know, like. And I'm able to do that. I know, I know. I think I'm able to do that because they're cabrones. Que sufring. And the moment you're able to connect with that humanity is the moment that you release judgment and you realize, like, oh, my gosh, hurt people. Hurt people. Right. Like, the reason people are a holes is because they're hurting. And when you understand that and your mission in life is to be the hands and feet of God on earth, like, of Christ on earth, then you can't help but have some mercy or grace. So the invitation is always to, like, put yourself in check whenever you feel triggered and ask God, because, you know, like, how can I guide this person into being a better version of him or herself? And if part of that is to drop the racism, then doing it without judgment will give you more access to them and will help you challenge them in a more loving way so that they can be open to it. Makes sense. Totally. Easier said than done.

Yes. But I also want to say that people have to be receptive, too. Like, I've done a lot of work on myself, so I know what it takes, you know, because I'm imperfect.

I'm. I'm imperfect.

But, you know, and. And you have people that just don't. There's just no getting through them. As much as you want to come to center and be like, this person's hurting. We're all hurt.

And.

But at some point, too, they have to be receptive to what you're saying. There's just not one, you know, do. Am I making any sense? Like, at that point, you kind of.

Yes.

To help people, us as a coach, your therapist. But eventually, I think you have to make a decision, because if it's causing you more stress or more distress, I don't think it's worth.

Yes, yes. So at some point, like, I don't work with people with addictions, like, with, you know, people who identify as addicts. I don't like it. I. I feel triggered by the victimization. I like people who are accountable, have some responsibility. And typically addicts don't. It's everybody else's fault. Right. So I know that I don't enjoy that. And it annoys the crap out of me. It triggers me, like, well, first, no, it doesn't trigger me. It doesn't trigger me anymore, but it did. So I, you know, first you get curious, and that's information to help you continue growing. Why do I let that brought me on my piece? And then I realized, like, it's that I. I like to work with people who are, like you said, receptive and want to do the work right. So. And my. My style in coaching is very in your face. Like, I am super loving. Like, I love hard. But I'll tell it. I'll tell it to you like it is. Right? Like, I don't sugarcoat. I'm, you know when. You know, when. When it's important. But I won't give you grace when I need to hold you accountable. And I will be like, right. Like, it's my favorite thing to tell my clients. Esta comiendo mienta. I usually say lo que pic el pollo. So, you know, having an. Like an addict, I can't talk to them that way because they may not receive it. I can't stand. I don't want to waste my time having a session with you. And tomorrow you go back to doing the same exact thing that you were doing today. And I wasted my time at this stage of my career. Me, I used to be a glorified repeater. That's what coaches and therapists do. Repeat the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And the other person does the same thing over and over and over and over again. And that's okay. That was part of my process and I. And I enjoyed it and I had all the patience for it. I'm in a different stage of my life, and I choose not to work with people who don't want to do the work and assume responsibility or addicts. Right. I also don't feel as competent. Yeah. I also don't feel as like. I don't feel like I am the person assigned to them. So I don't do it. But you don't know that until you've tested and tweaked, you know, so you've tried a few things and you're like, eh, you know, this is the third time it happens. Maybe I should consider referring these people better way. Make sense? Yes. No. Okay, so let me just wrap up. Let's see. So cbt. Okay, so sorry. This is still cognitive. So. So cognitive is like, it was all about everything in the mind. Something happened, you interpreted it in a certain way, your belief. And then you know that that led to a consequence or an action or a behavior or whatever. Right? So it was all. Everything happened in the head. Now, AB Cognitive behavioral is the most famous of all theories in psychology. It's the most studied because it is, you know, whereas psychoanalysis is harder to study, this one's more measurable. And essentially this. This is based on the triangle. Thoughts, feelings and actions are connected. That's it. That's like the prime. The premise of CBT is that thoughts, feelings and actions are connected. So when you think something, whatever you think creates some emotions, and whatever you feel will lead you to act in a certain way. If I. If you curse at me, I. And I hear it, I. What I think about that is that that's rude, disrespectful. That's not okay. How could you do it? You know, I'm thinking those things. So then I'm going to feel insulted and hurt and angry and, you know, disappointed, and, you know, I'm going to feel all those things, and then I'm going to react in a way that is in alignment with those thoughts and those feelings. I won't talk to you. I'll walk away. Maybe I'll say something back. Right? Like, so essentially it's that it's all connected. And it does not have to start with the thoughts. It could start with the behaviors. Let's say that I am driving and I, you know, I'm an aggressive driver and that, you know, make. Gets me, like, I'm cutting people off and I'm running the red lights and the, the soft signs and, And. And my. Or. Or let's say that you are the one doing that and I'm witnessing it because I'm in the car with you. Then your behaviors, I may interpret. So now we go from behavior to. I may interpret as, oh, my gosh, you're so irresponsible and so much rage inside of you. Road rage. Like, what's wrong with you? And then I'll feel a certain way towards you, and I'll. And then I'll act accordingly. Like, I'll. You know, I won't get in the car with you again. I'll. I'll scream at you for being so irresponsible. Like, right. So it could start in behaviors. It could start in feelings. Let's say you're. You're feeling sick and tired and, you know, you have, like, low energy. So then when you're. When you're in that low energy, then you may start feeling pity for yourself and you may start thinking about other things that are going wrong. It's not just that I'm sick. It's not just that I'm. That I'm tired. It's that I have too much going on and I don't have enough money and I don't have enough love. And I. You know, you can start going on a. On a downward. Downward spiral with. With thoughts that then are going to make you feel more tired and more. More ill and. And then, like, it, like it's. It's like a. It's like a. A ball.

A vicious cycle.

A vicious cycle or like, snowball effect, right? Like, it keeps on, like, compounding and something very powerful about understanding the triangle between that among thoughts, feelings, and actions. Is that the same way it happens naturally? We can intentionally use this for transformation. So let's say like, last year I had a lot of funks. I was in a funky. Often I was going through a lot of things. You know, I was remodeling the house. I had a lot of responsibilities at home in the business. Like, I was from funk to funk to funk, and I was like, recentering, and then as something would happen that would take me off, take me off, and I was in a funk again. And I'm really good about starting with thoughts because I'm the queen of reframing. And I can change anything in my mind to make me feel the way I want to feel. But something about the intensity of those funks or, like, how consistent they were were really, like, giving me a hard time and thinking my way to a more positive place or a better place. So there were moments in which I had to, like, do it from the feeling. So I would. I would spend time connecting with my feelings, and I would, like, turn on music and. And like, start dancing or start worshiping and, you know, moving my body to. To shift from. To a more positive energy. And then from that more positive energy, I was able to think more positively. Right? So we all have different strengths. Some people are like. Or like the feelings. Um, feelings could be moving your body is. Is. That. Is a behavior. It's an action. But I was doing it to shift my feeling, right? So my. My energy state and talking to a person that, like, lifts you up, going for a walk. Like, all those are, like, behaviors that you're starting with to shift your emotions, to shift the way that you think, to shift the way that you act accordingly. So. So maybe you get to become aware of what is my strength. Betsy's superpower is I can think myself out of anything with. With Fofi. Like, I. I Visualize myself in heaven with her, like skipping around heaven in a prairie with wildflowers and feeling like, oh my gosh, we're going to be together forever. Like, I can reframe and really, like, think myself through to like, to hope and joy and faith. And I have a superpower with that because I've practiced it so much, by the way. It wasn't natural. I was a victim, which is why I felt triggered by addicts. I have addictive personality in some way too, so it was me projecting myself. So I've worked on this and I've gotten really good at it. But there will be moments in which the thinking is not enough. So I'll need to shift something else somewhere else. Just keep in mind that you can start anywhere. Any questions about that?

I do have a quick question.

I dealt with a lot of patients that had anxiety created to them per their parents. They fell.

Are you okay?

I. I have an example of a family member that it actually. It's my nephew who basically tells me that he goes, you know, I have a leg pain and I feel. I feel like my leg's gonna fall off, thanks to my mother, because everything was like, are you okay? So could we do that? Accommodation within this. I was looking at it and I was thinking about that. But is this cognitive, behavioral have to necessarily be something that they experienced or created from an upbringing? As we went through the whole psychosocial, you know, ages. Just. Just a question.

The question is if this could be something that was instilled in them.

Correct. Does it have to be something they experience? Like, for example, it isn't like there was a car accident, you know, and he fractured his leg. Now every time he gets in the car, he's gonna think he's gonna fracture his leg. Because no, this was actually a. A reaction that was created as an upbringing of everything is catastrophic. So now he interprets. Hey, he goes, you know me, I have a leg pain. I think my leg's gonna fall off tomorrow. Because thanks to my mother, I mean, it's very easy for him to blame his mother, but is it this? Does it have to be something they experience? Or could we apply these therapies or engagements from created bias? Right. Is what.

Absolutely, absolutely. Whether something happened to you or the subconscious mind believes whatever it's told, whether it was to an experience and through an experience that they physically, you know, went through themselves, or perceived experience that they imagined or witnessed or whatever, or someone instilled it in them. Like the. The subconscious mind believes it all. So it's it's part of you, whether it was because of a trauma that you had directly because of a perceived something that you perceive through someone else, something you watched once in a movie and it stuck with you. Like, no, it doesn't have to be that you just went through it. Definitely, definitely. We, we in our families of origins, we. We learn a lot of patterns, a lot of. That's why I have the habits. Masterclass was also so important because we have a lot of. Even anxiety is a habit in many ways. Some people. Right. Like, some people experience it as a habit. It's me, mama. Like, we're all nervous, we're all anxious because my mom and my grandma, my, you know, my aunt doesn't. You know, we're in the habit of responding a certain way because it's what we've done our entire life. Got you.

So, yeah, I used to have the. The patients that came in exactly with that. Well, I suffer from anxiety, and I'm like, okay, so understand. What does that mean? What creates anxiety? Know everything. My mother has it, I have it. So I need the Xanax. I'm like, it. It was one of my major struggles to come to. And I. I hate to be biased, but it. It did happen quite a bit in the Hispanic culture. And basically, I, you know, just coming from Ohio, I'm like, okay, how am I. At the beginning, it was like, I got to take everybody off Xanax. No, I learned also, to your point, right. To kind of embed myself into first understanding how that was created. And then so it. It's. It for sure. So thank you for that.

It's those ingrained beliefs, right? Like that. You just. You hear it so much that it just becomes part of your Persona. You just, you.

It's.

That's how you were raised. That's what. You listen to that. So you, you know, it takes a lot of work to change what you've learned. You know, for X, in my case, 50 years, you know, first you need.

To be aware that. That, that it's a. It's a thought of relief. Right.

Like that. And, you know, I always say in my family, and, you know, because they start, oh, because you think that you're better.

Because this.

And it's not that I'm better, it's just that I'm learning. And. And when you know better, you do better.

You know, Amen to that.

And so it's very hard to kind of shift that mindset that they've been this way their entire lives, and that's normal. No, it's not. There's certain things that are not. Not normal. Not okay. And so, you know, I work on me and, you know, but that.

Ingra, you model. You model. I try.

I try very hard, but I hear you.

I hear you. We'll go through that. We'll go through that, sister. And okay, so these go over. These. These are so good. Like to know. These are different ways of thinking that are unhealthy, that are, you know, like they've been identified by cbt. The all or all or non thinking. Like, all or nothing thinking. I think a lot of us suffer from that. Like, if I don't go to the gym for an hour, then I didn't work out. That's all or non thinking. Or the either or or, you know, filtering information. You hear only the one negative thing that your person said to you or your son said to you, your daughter, and you don't think about everything else that they've ever told you. Catastrophizing, like, oh, my gosh, the world's gonna end because one little thing happens. We all have done all of these, so I invite you to get curious about them. And then these are tools. CBT has a wide array of tools that are so helpful for the people we are assigned to. So these are exercises that you can do with them. These are things that you can give them as homeworks. I put a bunch of tools here and links that you can look into and get curious about. Like, they're like different worksheets that people do in cbt. I put a bunch. You can just get curious and go into that and then habits. I want to just review this real quick. A habit does. Is not like a behavior. A habit exists in a loop. A habit is like the whole process, and the process is composed of cue, routine and reward. Routine is like the behavior, what we call habit. Like, oh, I'm in the habit of drinking coffee every morning. And, you know, that's not really a habit. That the. It's routine. That's the routine. Drinking coffee is the routine, the behavior. The habit is that when the morning comes up, you know, you wake up, first thing you think about is morning equals coffee. So then the routine is drinking coffee. And then the reward is like, ah, like relief, energy, whatever it is, right? So habits exist in a loop. And creating awareness of what precedes the routine or the behavior will help you understand the habit loop better so that you have enough information to change the habit. Because what we change is not the whole. The whole loop. What we change is the routine. But in order to change the routine, let's say I like to have something sweet after every salty, savory meal. I've gotten in the habit of doing that. And the cue is dinner. The routine is something sweet after. The reward is I got my sugar fixed, right? But let's say I want to be healthier. I don't want to be eating sweets. So having awareness of like, okay, it's eating something savory or having a meal is what usually triggers the like the sugar like craving. Then the routine is like I'm eating that and then the reward is I got my fix. So maybe I start by eating fruits. I'm sorry. Maybe I start by eating fruits and I'm still in the same loop, right? Like dinner, the savory. I'm going to eat fruits instead of chocolate cake. And I'm still going to feel the, the, the sugar fix. You know, like the craving be satiated because sugar, fruits are sweet. And then I'm like, but you know what? Like I don't, I don't. I want to own, I want to own that. I don't want to feel the craving or have to get something sweet. I want to be able to just eat the dinner and not worry about that. Then maybe we substitute the retrie. Not by the routine, not by fruits, but now by gum. Because when you eat something minty, that's what happens also when we, when we brush our teeth. Like, you know, like you're not craving the same taste that you were before that. So maybe it's gum. Maybe it's going to brush your teeth right after dinner or you know, but you need the awareness of what happened before and what does it do after. Like, you know, so you brush your teeth and now you satisfied the, the craving, right, for the sweet. Because you, it. You no longer want something sweet. Like it feels weird with the minty. I mean, in theory anyway. If you really want the pint of ice cream, you know, you're gonna need a little more than that. I personally like to add spirituality to habit formation or habit changes because sometimes it takes fasting. Fasting is a beautiful practice to, to edit habits that are not serving you. I have, I love sweets. Food is the thing. Food has. I've given power to food over me in the past. And so, so I have engaged in the practice of fasting a lot so that I can remind my body who's in control. It's not the body, it's the spirit. So what I'll do is I'll Fast sweets for a month at a time or, or offer it in Thanksgiving for something or in petition for something else or, you know, lens, we do this in Lent. The idea is to grow spiritually and to regain reclaim my power over food. And what happens is that when I do these things, then when I can have the sweet and I'm like, oh my gosh, when it comes this day, I'm gonna, I don't crave it anymore. I don't need it anymore. Right? So I, I like to add that in, in this habit loop, having spirituality be a part of it can be helpful. Become, identify the routine. Okay? Something that I say, I think I say, I have to have said it more than, than once in this master class. Habits are not changed by, like, they're not dropped, they're changed. Like, you don't say, like, I'm going to stop smoking. What are you going to do instead? Usually the way to, to change a habit is through substitution. So if you're not, that's why it's like, if you're not going to eat the sweet, then eat the fruit. If you're not going to eat the fruit, then eat the gum or brush your teeth, right? But it's not like, I'm not going to have sweets anymore, period. What are you going to substitute it with? You may not plan accordingly, and you may not be aware that you're substituting it for something else. But typically for it to be a sustainable change or habit change, it's through substitution. And knowing that is important because instead of saying, I'm not going to eat the sweets, to continue the same example, you can already set yourself up for success by saying, I'm going to do this instead. I'm not going to react with, you know, when, whenever. I'm not going to react defensively. What are you going to do instead? I'm going to listen, bite my tongue, you know, talk to someone else, journal, whatever. Like, count to 10 in my mind while the other person's talking. So I don't get defensive, but I still don't listen to him. Whatever works for you. But substituted by something, that's how we change habits. And then let's see if there's anything I want to share from here. Oh, keystone habits are habits that like, are like, create a domino effect. Like, they're like big habits. Like the silence. The habit of silence is a keystone habit. It's going to change your life forever. If you start with that, then you're gonna, you're gonna start, you're gonna see Find yourself incorporating other good habits in, in, in dieting and stuff. Like if you start working out and you're still eating cookies and brownies and ice cream at night, and then you, let's say you like, you're doing a mega workout and you have a trainer and you sweat like a pig and you, you know, you're, you're exhausted and you know, a whole hour of working out, and then you look at your calories and you burned 100 calories. And then you go to eat your next cookie and it's 197 calories, you're like, screw that. I am not going to eat half. I mean, double the amount of calories that I just, that it just took me a whole hour to burn. So then the working out becomes a keystone habit because that habit led to other habits. And, you know, it's like a, it's a snowball effect. It's a domino effect that if you start with one, then it impacts the other, the others. And then the habit stacking is another thing worth mentioning when you want to incorporate a new habit and you're, you know, you're not in the, in the habit of doing it. Sorry about the redundancy then. Habit stacking is really powerful. Which is another way of saying, instead of, instead of saying, I'm going to start practicing silence every day, you say, okay, what do I do every day that I could connect it to silence? I drop off the kids every day at school. There's a chapel in the school so I can drop them off, get off in the chapel, practice silence, and then go back home. So now I don't have to put it in my calendar and drive to a different place. I just like, I'm already doing this. Then every time I go to, I'm gonna connect. Dropping off to praying, to practice in silence. I I if you take a pill and you don't want to forget to take the pill and you want to get in the habit of taking it, maybe let's say you have breakfast every day. Then you put your pill next to the stove. And every day when you have breakfast, you're like, oh, the pillow. I I There was a time that I really wanted to work out, and I told myself I wasn't gonna eat anything until I worked out, because I like to work out in the mornings before I have breakfast. So then I would get up and like, on the weekends that I didn't have a trainer or whatever, I'd be like, I'm so hungry. And because I was hungry, I Was like, okay, let me go work out so I can eat already. Like I connected working out to eating. So then no workout, no food. So you know, just connect it to something you're already doing so that it's. You don't have to go out of the way because it's going to take a lot more time and effort to instead see.

Do you feel that the habit stacking is been proven more to do one at a time? As you and I know the atomic habits does where you build on it, which is the stacking or it depends on the person. So if we're evaluating, talking to the person and they're an overachiever, okay, maybe they can incorporate two things, three things. So how do you advise us to go about approaching that with the individual person?

So habit stacking is not doing multiple habits at the time at a time. Habit stacking is connecting a new habit to an old existing habit.

So let me give you an example. In functional medicine, right, they'll tell you, hey, get up in the morning, don't associate coffee with waking up. Go ahead and get X amount of minutes of sunlight. That way your cortisol kicks in and then you also have to have 20 ounces of water while you're having that. So that's an example of two things that need to be incorporated. So I guess my question would be is go ahead and tell the person to do those two things while you're adding it to the coffee drinking in the morning. Or hey, master first your, you know, five minutes of sunlight. So the cortical cortisol kicks in and doesn't associate the coffee. And then once you've done that, then go ahead and institute the water drinking. Just, it's an example.

I think it depends on the person. There are some people that when they're trying to do so many things at the same time, then it becomes overwhelming and they're like, screw everything. And they went that. Some people like to go in increments. I am the kind of person that what do I need to do? I'm going to do it all at once, right? Like, give it to me, baby. Yeah, I go through the trouble once and I go, you know, to the trouble like for like big. That's, that's part of the way I operate. I'm like, let me just give it to me in one sip. Like I, I was doing gum surgery and they wanted to do like, I don't know, fourth surgeries. I'm like, give him, give it to me. All in one, all in one. Like just A cab, amigo, and then we'll do it. So that works for me. That's, that's. That's discernment based on the person we have in front of us. But if the person we have in front of us is, you know, doesn't have the same tolerance for discomfort, pain, then little by little may serve them better. So I think that depends on. On the style of the person you're serving. Yeah. Okay, that's. That's pretty much it in terms of what I wanted to share or, like, go over. Questions, thoughts, how is this? How. What's coming up for you? And then I'll start with Christine. I would love to see you, to be able to coach you.

I know I don't know what's off unless I can log off again and then come back.

Try that. Try that.

I already did that once, but I'll do it again.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

Any thoughts? Any questions? Any habit you're wanting to incorporate or change? It's a general question. I just forbear.

I mean, I don't know if it's a habit. I guess it is. And I've been working on it consciously, and I think now my forced, you know, being home thing is working my advantage. But, like, the habit of. I don't know if it's overreacting or just being in a reactive mode. I've. Because of my background and my career in the past, I've always been like, I have to be the first one to, like, chime it, and I have to be like. And, you know, like, because it's important, right? Like when. When you work in. In with news media and the press and like, that was my first career. Like, it was. And I noticed that I take that into my next. Like, I took it into my next career, but it has, like, really, like, taken over. And I don't like that feeling. Like, it just puts a lot of pressure on you as a person. And it doesn't allow for really, like, good thought process and strategy, whether it's life or work, because I noticed that I do that with my family too. And it. It's not good, you know, it's not good to. To be that person. You make mistakes and. And then you allow emotion to take over. So I. I'm, like, trying so hard, like, whether it's a text or an email or, you know, whatever, like, give myself time to think it through and not, like, jump on it. And I think that that's very important as you grow a business, like you have, you know, you're working with people's emotions, like, you could really affect. So I don't want to be that person that kind of like, just jumps and kind of like, you know, to be able to think it through. So I think that's a new thing that I want to, like, I'm working on. And I don't know if it's a habit, but it.

I think so. I think so. I think that's really good awareness. Carla. So, so speaking about addictions and habits and whatnot, anxiety is very addictive. And when we are in that state of fight or flight, like, when, where, like, we. What, Like, I know that I've struggled with that personally, like, that, like, reactive, like, I need. I need to do something about it, or like, like, like jumping, being the first one, instead of, like, being still and processing and waiting. That's. That's something that may have served you and may have allowed you to achieve the success that you've achieved in your life. So since it served you for so long, speaking of behavioral theory, it has reinforced and rewarded your. That behavior or that. Or that state of being, that. That stage of constant alert. And now that you're choosing to live life a little differently and that you're in different circumstances, even being like, you know, sometimes people are with a partner that is difficult to deal with, and you're constantly, like, in the defense, and you're constantly having to, like, protect yourself and the kids, and then, then you learn how to be like, always like that, right? And now if you have different circumstances and you're in a different phase of your life and you don't have to be protecting everybody anyway, then you could, like, slow down and be like, oh, wait a minute. What brought me here isn't what, it's going to take me there, right? Like, or. Or what got me through that isn't what I need right now. So creating the awareness is how did it serve you to be a certain way? Did it allow you to achieve things in life? Did it allow you to make it through relationships or seasons in your life? And do you still need to be that way, where you're at now with the decisions, the new decisions that you've made for yourself and the life that you've created? And if the answer is no, then. Then it's. It's time to be intentional. Like you're saying about responding with. With the different grace. You don't need that anymore, but it for sure served you. And that's why, that's why it's. It's become like It. It has become like a. Like a natural reaction, but doesn't. You don't have to be who you've always been. We don't have to be who we've always been. And I. And I think having the awareness of that, like, frees us from. From having to continue showing up the way we have if it's no longer serving us. So I love that you had that awareness. That's really cool. Really cool.

Those are ha. Moments that come through every once in a while because it's so easy to get back to that. Like, it just takes one decision, and you. You go right back into it. Sucks you in. And then I have to, like, I have to shake it off, you know? So I'm trying to.

It's.

It's not as easy as it sounds, I guess. It's not supposed to be easy.

It's not supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be easy. But it's more simple than we think. But simple is not easy.

Yeah.

Okay. Anybody else wants to share anything before we start coaching? So I'll coach using CB team today. Okay. We'll coach with, like, the whole idea of thoughts, emotions, and feelings are connected. I mean, social thoughts, emotions, and actions are connected. All right, so cameras off, mute yourselves. And then it's just you and I. Christine, how can I support you today?

No pressure.

No pressure, no pressure.

How can you support me today? Guess we're gonna go over. Is it the habits or the schemas? Does it. Should I just stick with the habits?

I'm all yours.

Oh, my gosh. I don't even like. So a lot of the work that I've been doing is going through the videos and then taking the questions and just trying to reflect on either that part of life that had already happened and bringing it forward into recognizing the being of maybe those past things. I guess I would.

Is there something that you're struggling with that you would, like, support with? And then let me guide through habits or schemas or whatever?

Got it. I guess I would just bring probably where I'm at right now, which is with Janet, my partner. There are tonalities. She's Cuban. There are tonalities that show up, that bring a. That trigger me, and they trigger me in not always positive ways. So besides breathing and.

I, I. I'll.

I'm more reactive and add passive aggressive in there as well. So I guess somewhere in there needs to be a question, Something that I've been. I don't want to say trying, because that's either you are. You're not. It's Landmark 101 right there. But working through how to work through my triggers and not react with abrupt answers that don't serve us both.

Give me a. Give me an example. Give me a concrete example of a circle you've had with her that has resulted in you reacting.

She'll ask something or state something, and I'll fill a reaction inside, and I will just say, okay, and then I'll choose to walk away. And then that will not end. She will come back and ask, or say, hey, we didn't finish. We weren't finished talking. And I'll say, look, but I was, because I don't want it to be elevated. And she won't accept that as an answer. So I'll try to diffuse the situation by walking away. But that's.

You will try to diffuse the situation by walking away and not. Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that, Christine? To walk away, to diffuse situations?

I have no idea. I guess I. I don't know.

When did you start doing that? Was it with Janet? Is that something you've done before?

I've probably done it before, but I don't. I don't recall exactly when.

Okay. What does that do for you?

This allows me to step back and not feel the aggression and allows me to kind of gather my thoughts. And instead of coming at it at a different way, maybe I try to come at it as a way of a different tone and trying to look at it in a positive way or approach it in a positive way.

There's a difference between approaching it in a positive way and diffusing the situation, suppressing so that you don't feel the aggression. So which one is it?

So I don't feel the aggression.

Okay, so you are in a relationship in which you are experiencing aggression.

Often.

Okay, help me understand.

Where do you want to start?

Why are you in that. In that predicament?

I think it's a tone that maybe comes back from when I was a child, maybe as my dad. So maybe I'm hearing that, and I. I get tense, and it's just her passionate way of being Cuban and how she shares her tonalities.

So is it just a tone? The aggression is just the tone, not the words being said?

Oh, yeah. It's combination of things. I wouldn't say it's always the words, but, like, I'll. I'll say to her, I. I totally understand what you're saying. I get why you're saying it. I know why you lay out the words, the way that you do. But it's how you deliver the message that affects me. We've had many of those conversations.

What is it that you want to be better at? What is like if God came here and told you, Christine, what do you. What do you want? I'm going to give you whatever you want, Christine, and it's God, so you know, he can deliver. What would it be more.

Be more compassionate. And who be.

Who is. Who would be more compassionate?

Both of us.

Okay. So that.

We'D have more enjoyment with each other.

Where is the enjoyment these days? Where is it at?

Not a. Not a very high percentage, but. We enjoy walking our dogs together, we enjoy doing bike rides together. We like playing ping pong, we do walks together. We enjoy going to church, we pray the rosary, we do divine mercy, visiting her family, doing things like watching tv, which is not really often one of those things I like to do anymore. Ever since I had cancer, I just find it to be a lot of waste of time. Just those types of things. Cooking, being in the kitchen together.

Okay, what is it that you do not enjoy?

Oh, the fighting.

And how often does that happen?

I wouldn't say often. My God.

I don't know.

Four or five times a week, if not more.

What do you argue about?

Stupid.

Sentence things.

I turned on the light and she doesn't like the light. So why did I turn the light if she knows I don't. She doesn't like the light because I was helping you try to see. But I don't need the light. Okay. We both work together, so it's a little stressful with that too. And we have been since 2004.

So.

That adds to the personal side of our lives.

What do you want?

Happiness. Silly me. I wish it was like before. What a silly thought. I know it's not possible.

Like before when cancer. How was it? What was it like before?

More loving, more touching, hugging, Those types of things.

What happened?

We gave it up for the Lord because we wanted to receive him. I was knocking on death's door and made a promise.

And.

So we've been sleeping in different rooms for about six years. The lovey dovey stuff is. It's not always there.

So you gave up intimacy to. Receive the Eucharist. And with it went the lovey dovey stuff, like you call it. Like so. So then the way that you connected intimately before is gone. And with it went the expressions.

I wouldn't say it's necessary. All the expressions of love. It's just more like physical. Yeah. To bring you closer. That make you yearn for each other.

And how does that feel, Christine?

Like, sometimes I want to go to my priest and say, hey, this is what we did. You got any other suggestions or, you know, thought about having conversations? But Janet probably wouldn't allow that because it would embarrass her. I would do it, but I think we kind of already know the answer. It just makes us feel more and more apart. And then when you add the consecutiveness of the fighting, we're just moving further and further apart. So you take the good moments of joy, keyword moments, as you can take them.

In an ideal world, what would be different?

We wouldn't fight as much.

What would you do instead? If you break the habit of fighting, what are you substituting it for?

Well, I mean, more hugs, more closeness. Thanks for the five minutes.

More hugs, more closeness. Can you do that now? What prevents you from bringing the hugs and the closeness now?

Just.

I think.

When we do, it's nice. It's, wow, forget about how that really feels.

So why don't you do it more often?

Because I think we're jacked up on each other than coming through with loving ways. I'm really freaking laying it out here today. I mean, I don't know. Everyone's got their cameras off, so I guess that's gonna be all right. And then eventually I'll see everybody and I'll be like, hey, yeah, that was me. You know, when. If you look at 100 of a pie, is it 100 horrible? It's not. There's a lot of blessings we share. I mean, we take care of each other. And she took care of me in cancer. I mean, I. I didn't understand a lot of those big words with a bunch of letters when the doctor was saying. But Janet understands that because she. She's a dental hygienist. And so she grew up. Well, she's been in the field for over 30 years, and so she understands a lot of that stuff, but, you know, helped me a lot during that time. And she looks out for me. We look out for each other.

How so?

Try to focus. I try to focus on that when I. Situations become what they do because grass isn't green on the other side always. But then you have to figure out how much space in your day that you're awake that is joyful. I try to focus on that. She has a driver personality, analytical. We're both the kind of same people in our relationships. At least how I was in the past. I've been the One that's been more flexible and adaptable. Those were her two words from Landmark education. I don't know if anybody's done landmark here, but. I'm not easy either. I know that you're muting. You're mute.

Who's flexible and adaptable? Is it you or her?

I'm more flexible and adaptable. That's what she was. Was supposed to be coming out of landmark in 2007. The one that's been. Yeah.

What do you have to do with this? We're here. I'm hearing a lot about Janet, like, what do you have to do with this?

I mean, listen, I. I have responsibilities, too, and I'm not pointing the finger all at her, but. I know I've changed through the years. My family tells me I have. I'm harder. I think I've lost myself a little bit.

Yeah. What does harder mean?

I guess the exterior shell is harder. I still have. I feel a lot of me in there still. Like.

But what is harder? What is harder and what is. What is me? Help me understand.

Maybe the way that I talk has gotten more aggressive through the years, looking at things instead of an. I wouldn't say nicer way, but more of a. Yeah, you look at things in a. In kind of a hard way. Like the way that you deliver your message could be harder. Does that make sense? I've lost a little bit of myself along the way.

What have you lost?

My spunk. I still have it, but it's not always there as often as I'd like. So I feel like my light's been dimmed because of. Because of how unhappy I've been. Now I'm covering up a lot, Not.

Having.

A lot of people to share with. So keep it all in. You know, it's not like you're there to air out your dirty laundry with your friends. I spend days going back and forth. What if I wasn't here? What if I was somewhere else? What would that look like? Who would do this for me? Who would do that for me?

I don't understand. I don't understand that. I'm sorry.

What if I. That if I chose to leave and. And. And not be in the relationship anymore.

So then you. You pay attention as you visualize that to see what life would look like. What would life look like?

More freedom. But I think a little less having to respond to somebody all the time. I mean, she. Like, I go to networking events. Like, I'll say, hey, I'm going to go do this, or whatever. And there's there's not a. It's not a problem with that. But if it becomes too much or too often, then questions start happening and why are you doing it? And what are you getting out of it and things of that nature. So I feel like it's more of a controlling approach than, hey, you know, who did you. She always asked me, who do I meet? How did it go? But it was more like questions behind the questions. And I feel like I'm sometimes being interrogated and if I don't have the right answer, then something's going to happen or it triggers something else. And so I'm always in this loop of.

So if you were not in the relationship, you would have more freedom?

I would have more. Yeah. More space for myself.

So what do you have in the relationship that is better than freedom?

Someone who cares for me.

Does she?

Yeah. Yep.

How?

She goes my doctor's appointments with me. She makes sure that if I say, hey, I. I read this thing about this medicine or whatever, say, okay, well, and then she'll research it and then she'll dig through it and. Or just make sure that I'm always okay and looking out for my best interest and making sure. When it comes to work, you know, before we say something to a client, we. We go over the dialogue and so we're always bouncing things off each other to help basically reassure myself. She was the confidence builder in my life. I mean, she's the most person I've been around my whole life, 26 years more than my family, and she's helped me build my confidence. But then she's also helping build your.

Confidence because I hear a lot of your confidence being robbed.

Exactly that, too. So it's like she helped me build up, but I don't always feel confident because how we react with each other. So in the beginning, like, she was the one that helped me push me to get my real estate license. And because of that, I'm in the space that I'm at. I've been in a state of questioning for a few years now.

Questioning what?

Whether. Whether I stay or not.

How's that going?

Been sitting on the fence. I got splinters in my. But.

What is. What is. What comes up for you?

Grass isn't greener on the other side. Is it really that horrible? Can I just push through and. And accept that Maybe out of 100, is it 60, good enough to live in life? I don't know. Maybe some days it's 80. Maybe some days it's only 10%. Is it okay to be on that fluctuating wheel, I know couples go through a lot of the same things that I do. So give it up or work through it. And I work through it. And then there's days that I just, what the hell am I doing here? Do I really want to live in this aggravation?

I'm gonna. I'm gonna stop here, And I'm going to share some thoughts. So for those of you watching, I did not do cbt.

I know. I was about to say, when are we adding.

This was. This is psychoanalytic. Like, what I did today was psychoanalytic. I'm sorry. I intend to do the theory, but sometimes it doesn't feel right. So I get to do what feels right to me. And it felt right to just allow her the space to peel the onion and to understand a little more. CBT is a lot more directive. Like, you know, I would have challenged her thoughts more. Like, wait, but you said this. But now you're saying that. So to recognize the. What's it called? The type of response addiction, like, the contradiction. The. There was a lot of talking about her. So there was. Let me. Let me see if I can go back to the. To show you. Fallacy of change. Like, waiting for her, for Janet to change. A little bit of blaming over generalization. Like, the. The. Like. There were times that you said, like, very little joy, but then you would say a lot of joyful moments. And so there was some. Confusion there. Polarized thinking. Go or stay, good or bad. There was some victimization. Christine. So this is just for purposes of learning. I'm going to come back to you, Christine, and I would love for you to. In that exercise that you're doing with regards to visualizing yourself in, you know, without the relationship, I would. I would love for you to, like, pay it, like, become an observer of your life, which I think you're already doing. If you're having those. Those exercises and. And look not just for what you want to see, but look for the. The guidance, the sign. It sounds like you've been a long time waiting for discernment on what to do, what decision to make. I am pro relationships, typically, like, it's. I love to work through relationships, and.

And it's hard to give up on 26 years.

Yeah. Yeah. And I also. I am pro relationships that are sacred. Right. Like, I believe in the sacrament of marriage, for example. Like, that's why I do so much couples counseling. But I've learned in my experience that the sacraments of marriage, and in your case, the sacredness of our relationship is to be lived. It's not just a title that you get by going to church and signing a document and having a party wedding that we call wedding. Right. There's. There's. It is lived. The sacrament of marriage is meant to be lived. And I don't hear that you are living the sanctity of that relationship.

So how do you do that?

Through love. To respect. Starting with yourself. You're, you know, like, I'm a big fan of loving the other person and, and, you know, bending over backwards and modeling. I'm a big fan. But the commandment. The commandment was love thy neighbor as thyself. It wasn't love thy neighbor at your cost. And I think you get to love Janet while loving you. And you've been on an either or journey. Like, you either love yourself and then you respond defensively, and then you're not your best self because you responded defensively and didn't handle the situation with grace, but rather suppressed it or repressed it or avoided it or whatever. And then that further triggers her. You've, you know, so when. So when you've chosen yourself, you have. You haven't done so in a healthy manner, because choosing yourself also means that you're responding with grace so that you know it. It's not on you.

But.

But I think in some ways you are over valuing what she brings to the table at this season of your life. Right. Like, there's no doubt that she has really supported you through your illness, that she's been there, that, you know, she cares and will research. No doubt. And she's also the source of abuse and pain and disrespect and undermining and dimming the light. It's a both. And. But the question still remains, like, what do you think about you. That you allow someone else to treat you that way, and you just had some awareness in regards to your dad and how he did things. And you married your dad, you know, married. Right. Like, you've chosen your dad. And is that the choice that you continue to make every day? And I'm not saying, like, then break up because you don't have to end the relationship for the relationship to change. But there are, you know, you have allowed this for 26 years. And, and like, you are the.

You're the.

The common denominator between your dad and you. I mean, and. And in your relationship, your dad and Janet. So what about you? Like, what do you have to do with this? And I can't help but think you're you're not loving yourself enough, so you're modeling that for her. And maybe there's an opportunity for you to, to exercise a little bit of that self love and, and start dating yourself before you're even able to make any discernment or decision in regards to your relationship. Right, because how do I love myself?

Exercise, self care, pedicure.

What do you do? What do you do to love yourself? What do you do right now? How do you love yourself? If anybody needs to leave, it's 202. Please just disconnect. No problem.

I, I don't know. I look in the mirror.

And what happens when you look in the mirror?

I mean, look, is everybody like looking in the mirror and going, hey, okay, you're getting older. What's up with that skin hanging right there?

That doesn't sound like self love to me.

Body's changing. I mean, a lot of that is, I've recognized that through the years and just not a young chickadee anymore, you.

Know, how do you love yourself?

Going on walks, doing affirmations.

What affirmations do you see?

Oh, I mean, there were a lot of ones that I was writing through the years. You know, I am courageous, I'm resilient, I'm loving things like that. You know, I not, you know, but I mow my lawn. And doing that is like, you know, it's like, hey, this age, and I'm still doing it and bending over and picking this up. I mean, that's pretty awesome stuff. I think when you're able to still move around the way that we do.

Okay, I'm gonna give you homework.

Do I need to take notes?

Yeah, I think that would be. I want you to continue being an observer, a loving observer. No judgment, just observation of every interaction you have, especially in your relationship. And, and what signs of love or lovelessness are present in that inter interact intervention. So I don't know. Let's say you respond, you reacted with defensiveness and you know, like, write that down and then reflect on what that meant. Like you, were you protecting yourself? Did you feel unloved? Were you loving yourself? Like every. I want you to analyze it all in the light of love. Were you loving yourself? Were you not loving yourself? Are you feeling loved? I just want to understand a little bit of, of that love of the life.

Most of my days are in defensiveness.

Okay?

So I want to understand, like, what is that you doing? Like, what role is that playing in regards to love? Are you loving yourself by protecting yourself? Are you not loving yourself by not showing up as your highest self, it could mean so many things. So in the light of love, define every reaction. Pay attention to how many times you're reacting and feeling defensive and why. So I just. Just create a lot of awareness. That's. The exercise is just to create awareness. And I would love for you to add two affirmations. I am worthy and I am loved or lovable. Whatever resonates more with you. And when you say those affirmations all day long, I would love for you to say them with power and belief and look at yourself in the mirror, and instead of seeing the hanging boobs, you know, you get to see yourself as lovable, loved, and worthy. But observe, because I think you've been trying to fool yourself and overvaluing things to keep you in this maybe loop of, like, you know, back and forth in your head, but really not advancing in any direction. And I think.

Exactly.

I've been stuck.

Stuck.

And I'm. I don't want to be stuck anymore.

Yeah, I'm here.

My.

My word this year was peace. I'd just like to move towards that.

Okay, so I have a third homework for you. Look for peace in your day. Every day, write a list of things or moments that you had peace and notice what's happening in those moments.

So the first one was, how do I love myself? The second one was, recognize when I'm in reaction of awareness, of defenselessness, loving myself or not loving myself. Is that correct?

Yeah.

And the third is, look for peace in my day.

Then the affirmations. I am worthy. I am loved.

Got it.

Okay. By the end of this program, I declare that you will have peace and clarity and. And the faith and trust and courage to decide. So let's get you ready for that.

Amen.

Okay. All right. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm very excited about tomorrow.

I think we are tomorrow.

Yeah, Right. April. Hold on. Let me make sure. Maybe. No, tomorrow. No, no, no. Just tomorrow.

Say. Oh, my gosh.

Wait, my bad, my bad. Okay, so next week we meet both days, and the Wednesday we're going to do the practicum, because it's the story. It's the third Wednesday of the month, and then the other Wednesday, because of the one I missed last week, we'll do the mastermind. So we'll start with practicum this month instead of the mastermind, which is great, because then we'll coach each other and get started, and you learn a little bit about the coaching skills, so you don't need to study anything for that Wednesday. I'll see you next week. And please, please, please, please consume the two masterclasses of next week. April will send them in the chat and you also have them in your portal. I love you. Have a beautiful day. You too.

Thank you, buddy.