Finding Faith After The Death Of A Loved One //grief & loss

Hi, guys. Welcome back to my channel. I am so excited to have a special guest. This is Betsy, and I'll have her introduce herself in a minute, But I'm so excited to have her on today. And we're gonna talk about what it looks like when you go through loss and you're grieving and there's been a tragedy and how the heck to find faith and God in the midst of all that suffering. Betsy is someone that I met actually through Instagram. Praise God for the gift of social media. And I've been working in her office for the past two years, and she's been immensely mentor to me in my professional career and has taught me so much. I'm at where I'm at because of her. Her friendship is such a gift. So I'm super excited that she's here to share some of her story and some of her insights with you guys, because it's an incredible blessing if you have gone through loss and tragedy and you're grieving and you don't know where God is in that, this is going to be super helpful. And I'm so happy to have her. So do you want to talk a little bit about who you are?

I am Betsy Guerra, and I am a woman of faith. It's hard to introduce myself because, you know, like, people say, like, oh, I'm a psychologist, so I have a doctorate in this, and I have all this background in education, but that doesn't define me. So I always like to say, I'm a mom. I'm a devoted wife. I'm a woman of faith, because those are the things that really I live by. And I have been practicing for 20 years, and I absolutely love what I do. And I have devoted most of my career to relationships and families and couples therapy and just trying to help people have fulfilling, thriving relationships. And that took a turn in the last seven years. I have four kids now, but I had three at the time. And I experienced the most excruciating pain after losing my daughter suddenly in a pole accident. And I feel like during that time, faith was tested in a way. I thought of myself as a woman of faith, but it's not until it's really tested that you're like, oh, yes, I do have faith. And I remember we have. My husband and I are part of a prayer group. And I remember at some point sharing with the prayer group that we thought we had faith, but we weren't sure because it had never really been tested, but it was. And I know that if anybody is going through the most excruciating pain that you've been through, you may feel that you can never overcome this and you can never be joyful again. And like life as you knew it is over, right? So you lose hope. And I feel that hope is what keeps us alive. If we have hope, then we have the possibility of being joyful, overcoming pain, finding ourselves just thriving. We can do anything. And I experienced that in marriages and couples therapy and family therapy too, when there was no hope in the other person in the relationship and your possibilities, then the relationship was dead already. It didn't need to die, technically. So I realized that the work that I had done before with couples and relationship was able to help me in my process of overcoming tragedy, pain and adversity. And I will say that I thought it was better and it was just better to die when this happened. I just. I couldn't imagine the possibility of ever being happy again. And I am the happiest woman I know. I really am the happiest woman I know right now. So something of what I did and what God inspired me and gave me the grace to work on worked. So I'm now devoted in my career to helping others do the same. I help others overcome grief, overcome the loss of a loved one, whether it's through divorce or death, or the loss of your health, of your finances, of your life as you knew it. And we all experience loss, all of us. So I help people navigate through grief and use it to become the best version of themselves and heal and help others and use that wisdom that you acquired through pain for the service of others.

So Betsy went through that unimaginable loss seven years ago and has been on a journey of healing and faith since then. And maybe you guys, maybe some of you have lost a child or maybe you have lost somebody that you love or loss in a different way. And so hopefully this video and some of what she went through that she'll share can be helpful to you guys in your journey. So what did your faith look like in the midst of this? Like before your daughter passed away during that season, and then now, how has your faith evolved over time?

So I grew up Catholic. My parents are die hard Catholics. They taught me about God, they taught me about the Bible, they taught me about what was good. I don't know that I learned how to create a relationship with Jesus. It was more about this is good, this is bad, this is how you do it. This is how you don't do it. You go to church, you serve, you do, you give forever Grateful for that because it's shaped my character and my personality and my being and my life in so many ways. But my faith before losing my daughter, Fofi, we call her Fofi, was more about God is a God of love and mercy, but God forbid you don't go to Sunday mass. It was more about like, this is not what you should do. This is what you should do. So I felt a lot of guilt.

Like, he's love and mercy as long as you're doing the right thing, but if you mess up, then he hates you.

Yeah, right. And I prayed it wasn't a prayer of, like, connecting and creating a relationship with God and making space for his wisdom to be downloaded in my life. And we know from the Bible that our thoughts are not like God's thoughts and our ways are not God's ways. But when we open path where we connect with him and we create a relationship with God, then our ways become more like his ways because we're downloading from Him. So my faith before Fofi, before losing her, was more about what's right and wrong and going to church. And my faith during was more about creating that relationship. And I did so through questioning and anger. Like, why did you not intervene? Because there's something. And I want to share this. When something really painful happens in our lives, we tend to think, why did God do this to us? Or why is he punishing me? Or what did I do to deserve this? And we're asking the wrong questions because God didn't do this. God is a God of love and mercy. If you have an apple tree, the apple tree is not going to give you oranges. Because I remember asking my mom, oh, my gosh, God gets all the credit if something bad happens. It wasn't God. But then when I get an A in a test or I accomplish something in my life, then you say, thank God. I'm like, what about what I did right? Why don't I get the credit? My mom very wisely explained, explained God is like an apple tree. And the apples are love and mercy and grace and wisdom. And if you give fruit of love, because God is love, you just can't possibly create harm or pain. God gets all the credit because he's the source of love. He's the source of good, he's the source of grace. I know from my mom's teaching that God didn't do this to me. He didn't create this thing. He didn't punish me. And I also know it from a priest that was A spiritual director who was a very important part of our lives during that moment. He would come visit at our house. And I remember at some point asking like, why did God do this? And he said, no, no, no, he didn't make her die. Because you know how people make comments that you want to punch them for? Oh, like God needed another angel. Well, he has plenty of angels. Why did he have to take my daughter? Right? Like, that's just things that people say to try to make you feel good, not realizing that they're making it worse. But God didn't take her. He didn't cause her death. He didn't do this to me. He couldn't. Because he's a source of grace and mercy and love. God allowed it. He didn't intervene to prevent it. And he had the power. So faith during the time of pain and grief looked like, gosh, you had the power to prevent it from happening and you didn't. Why didn't you? I was raising her for you. I was teaching her about you. Why didn't you let me finish my job as if I knew better than God, right? Because we think we're God sometimes. And in my questioning Him, I feel like my faith strengthened because I still had a relationship with him. I was creating a relationship with him. I was fighting and I was angry and I was upset and I was questioning, but I was still talking to him. And I think we forget that we feel guilty about being mad at God or questioning. But no, he wants us. He wants to come to him and talk to him. He wants access to us because he's a gentleman and he does not intervene when we don't let him. So by us talking to him and fighting with him and arguing and being angry at him, we give him permission to speak to us, to intercede, to be present and guide us. So during that time, I feel like that's when I really, really, really worked on creating a relationship with God because I needed him so, so badly. I could not imagine ever being happy again. And I really had a beautiful life. I have an amazing husband. Like, my kids were healthy and delicious and I was doing what I loved career wise. And I couldn't imagine ever being back but creating that relationship and talking to him and getting answers because he's so, he's so good to us. I have like, I'm seriously obsessed with this guy. God, he's so, so amazing because sometimes we're like, oh man, like, how does God speak to us?

Yeah, so where was he in the middle of that for you like, where did he. Where did you find him? Where did he show up? How did he speak to you in the middle of such a tragedy?

So I will start with the day of the tragedy. We were in the pool, and we were in a. We were having a family and friends gathering. There was a bunch of people in the pool, outside the pool, inside the house, looking at the pool. There were people everywhere, the kids included. And my daughter, who I had put in survival classes and whom I took to swimming lessons on a weekly basis. I guess she wasn't that great at swimming, or at least as great as I had seen or thought she was. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. It was. It was so fast, and it was. I don't know what happened to this day. And that was part of my dogma, not knowing what happened and what I could have done to prevent it, because I just still don't have a clear image of how it could have possibly happened. But at some point, somebody asks, where's Fofi? And I. I don't know. Like, I. It was almost as if I knew. Like, I immediately look everywhere, and my heart started pounding, and. And I was shaking, and it was. It was in seconds. They were milliseconds. And then suddenly I looked down at the pool, at the bottom of the pool, and I saw. See her red and white polka dot mini bathing suits. And I immediately. Like, I reacted immediately. I go into the water. Like, I get her out, I rescue her. I put her in the pavers by the side of the pool. And in that moment, I just, like, pray, pray, pray. I had a friend who was an emergency doctor. She was there in our house. So she came to her rescue, and she did the cpr, and she had pulse, and I knew she was gonna be fine. Like, I was like, I know she's gonna be sick, saved. Like, it was perfect. And I just prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, and I kept on thinking about the mustard seed, and my faith was so much greater that I was just 100% sure that she was gonna make it. And I prayed and I prayed, and I let my husband take care of her. I prayed with so much faith that I had no doubt that she was going to be saved. We rushed to the hospital. The paramedics were there in seconds, or what felt like second. It was so fast. The hospital is, like, five minutes away. So we were there instantly, and everything was fast. It was perfect for her to be saved. And as I kept on praying, praying, praying, it got to the point that I was so overwhelmed, I asked God, like, please give me a phrase, a scripture, something that I can repeat in prayer without having to think, because I couldn't think anymore. The thought or the prayer that came to mind was, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Because that meant she wasn't going to make it. And I thought it was lack of faith. Like, I thought it was me not being faithful enough. So I was like, no. So I kept on praying and praying, God save her. And I remember we had to be specific about what we asked for. And I was like, please make her heartbeat, make her heart. Because I saw, like, a flat line. And I didn't know if that was the flatline, but the doctors hadn't given up. So I'm like, make her heartbeat, make her heartbeat. And then I had another thought. And I feel today it was God speaking to me also. And he said, you know, she could be saved and her heart could be beat, but she may never be the daughter that you knew. And then my daughter, my sister, has severe mental retardation. And it happened as a result of a disease she had that then, you know, like, complicated things, and she had brain damage. And it's been very painful to have a child with special needs in your family. It's a struggle. And I was like, I don't care. She's my daughter. I don't care. Please make her heartbeat make her heart beat. Make her heart beat. And then the third time around, I'm praying and I fall on my knees and I start singing a song of hope. And the song says something about how it's dark and it's night, and it's dreadful today, like tonight, but tomorrow the sun will come out and, you know, God will give you joy again. And it was a song that I used to sing to a friend who was going through hard times. So when I started singing that to myself, super randomly, like, I didn't plan for it. I fell on my knees by the stretcher, and I knew. I knew that he was going to save her. He saved her, but not the way I wanted her to be saved. So God was the one speaking to me, even though I couldn't recognize it in the moment, right? Like, in the moment, I thought it was lack of faith. And what's beautiful about that is that when he speaks to you and you don't get it in the moment, he will give you the wisdom to get it later on. Because later on, like, when I needed Strength. I kept on thinking, or I kept. It kept on coming to me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So to answer your question, I know I beat around the puja. How he showed up was by giving me the grace and the strength to carry on when I didn't think I was capable. And what I learned in creating that relationship with God is that when we think we can't do something, it's because we can't. We really can't. I can't live without my daughter. And I can't be happy again after losing her. And. And I can't overcome this excruciating pain. I can't. I don't have what it takes. But God can. And God can do it in me. When people tell me, like, how do you not lose your freedom? Like, it was all I had. If I. If I didn't have God in my life, I had no hope. Like, he was the one that gave me the strength. He was the one that gave me the grace to be there for my kids and continue to be their mother and remember that I still have surviving kids that need a mother.

Did you know that at the moment?

No.

How long did it take you and, like, what did you do to. To learn that over time?

I don't know how long. Because faith and growth is not linear in human beings. You know, like, we get some wisdom here and there, and we were like, oh, my gosh, and we're getting better, and one day we're improving, and then we go back. So it's. It's not linear. So it's hard for me to tell you in three months, six months, in a year. But I will tell you that it was. It was moments. I'm big on moments. For example, in the celebration of life that we had for her, we had a mass in view of a funeral, and a bunch of people talked about her, my husband and I included. And when I was speaking in the altar to so many people, I spoke with such grace and peace and calm that I was like, who was that? Like, what do you do with Betsy? It wasn't me. I couldn't have possibly spoken with such peace. So in the moment, I just spoke, and later on, in hindsight, I was like, that was the Holy Spirit speaking through me. So when I was able to see in hindsight, how I reacted to something that I wasn't capable of reacting that way, I was able to acknowledge and identify, oh, my gosh, that was the Holy Spirit. Spirit. I didn't see anything in the moment. I didn't see it. Even though I acted in ways that seemed as though I did see it. I can in hindsight. Sometimes I saw it minutes later. I was like, oh, my gosh. God help me do that. Other times, I saw it years later. So it really varies and people's reaction to you. Like, people kept on saying, like, you're so strong. You're so strong. And I wanted to punch them in the face. I'm like, you keep your admiration towards me and my strength, and you give me my daughter back. I'll exchange it all in an instant. So I was really annoyed by people saying that I was strong. They also didn't know what I went through behind closed doors. There were days that I could barely get out of bed. But now I understand that what they were seeing was God's strength and God's grace, and they attributed it to me. But the merit wasn't mine, so I didn't connect it. He used a lot of people, my daughter included. My oldest daughter was my Fofi's best friend in the world. We call her Chi Chi, my oldest. It was the birthday celebration. Like, we were doing a mass for her birthday three months after her passing. And I went to her and I told her, chi Chi, just know that if Mommy's crying, it's because I miss Fofi so much. And she tells me, but, mom, why do you miss her? She's in your heart. She's inside of you. You don't need to miss her. I remember in that moment thinking, like, if only my faith was like hers, right? Like, I taught her that. I told her, like, Fofi was in her heart, but I taught her that because they tell us to say those things. I didn't truly believe it like she did. To me, that was like, such a beautiful manifestation of God, because I was like, what a beautiful way to remind me that she's not gone. I think that's the problem that we think that this life is it. But this life is just like the birth canal to, like, the real deal, right? And they compare death to being born. You know when you're a baby and you're in the womb, you're like, oh, my gosh, this is so delicious. I'm so comfy here and warm, and I can hear my mommy's heartbeat. And I'm so close to her. I'm inside of her. And I, like, you feel so connected and delicious, and you don't want to be born. Then you go through that trauma of being born, and then you're born. And it's like, there's light and it's cold, and these people are grabbing you, and you're like, what the heck is going on? I want to go back into the womb. And then you're like, oh, my mommy's movie is awesome. And then you get to eat solids. And then you start crawling and walking and becoming independent. You're like, oh, life is amazing. And then you fear death because you think it's another birth canal. And then you die. And I believe wholeheartedly. Then that's the real deal, right? Again, I believed in heaven because. I believed in heaven because you were told. Because they told us that heaven is an amazing place. And we all want to go there, but nobody wants to die, right? We believe in heaven. Like, if we believed in heaven the way I now believe in heaven, we'd be like, when are you taking me, God? So I had. That was part of my faith transformation. I needed to believe, really believe in heaven, because my rationale was, I want to be a selfless, loving mom, not like a selfish one that wants to control their kids. So I was like, if I believe in heaven wholeheartedly, then I will be able to be happy for my daughter. But it was hard for me to hear, like, oh, she's in a better place. She was in heaven here. She had the happiest family. She was loved. She was. Sang all the lullabies in the world. She was almost single, three years old when this happened. We gave her love. We hugged her, we kissed her. There was nothing we didn't do. So she's in a better place than do it for us. I needed to believe that she really was in this amazing place so that I could genuinely be happy for her and help heal myself. And I will tell you about, like, how God shows up. There was one day that I was in bed. That was one of the hardest weeks. And I kept on asking, just let me dream with her and have her tell me she's happy. That's how I wanted God to speak to me. But God does it however he wants, whenever he wants, because his timing and his way is perfect, but it's not necessarily ours. I remember being super depressed and barely being able to get out of bed one day. And I put my daughter, my son, he was one year old. I put him down for a nap, and I went to my bed, and I was like, God, I'm gonna sleep so that you can just show me that she's happy. And I. I'm like, I just need to know that Heaven really is the place that we believe it is. And I closed my eyes and I was just bawling. I couldn't fall asleep because I was like bawling and sobbing and so, so, so, so sad. And then the doorbell sounds. I get out of bed because I didn't want a baby to be woken up. And I go to the door and I open it and there's a woman that like just steps inside my house. Like a woman I've never seen in my life. She looks at me and she has like all this, like this like strong presence. And she's like. I have come to tell you that your daughter is enjoying the presence of God and is extremely happy. Yes.

What?

Yes. I was like, oh my gosh, who was she? So she was the wife of our landscape person who I've never met because when he goes, he does the landscape on his own. So I've never met this woman.

She.

She just showed up because she felt compelled to tell me that my daughter. And she said specifically, I'm here to tell you your daughter is happy and she is enjoying the presence of God, of our living God.

Amazing.

I was like. So I was like, okay, this is better than the dream that I was asking for. So thank you. So he showed up. Are we willing to pay attention? Are we?

Sometimes it's probably not so clear as that, like a random lady walking into.

Your house most of the time.

But that's amazing.

There's a question of discernment, right? Like, is this coming from me or is it coming from God? And I had that question a lot and I don't anymore. So the way I see it, and this is for all of you, whether you've experienced tragedy or not, or adversity or not, when you create a relationship with God and you open path by like being in silence when with him being still surrendering your life and your problems to him by really letting go, like, let go, let God. I know it's a cliche, but it's, it's so real. If you're worrying about something and it's just not working out and you're doing everything in your power and it's still not working out. Maybe it's time to be like, okay, God, like, this is. This is where my human capacity got me to. This is. This is my wall. This is where I hit the wall. When you get to that wall, you need God to lift you pass that wall. And for that you need to surrender and you need to be still and let him do his work. Because if you continue to leave it in God's hands, but you continue to worry about it. You're not leaving it in God's hands. You're trying to take matters into your own hands. What I learned was that in creating a relationship and being still and surrendering to him and trusting him, there were times that I would sing. There's a song by Gary Chapman that's called I will trust you. And I would sing like, this sucks, but I'll trust you, God. I will. I trust you. And there's a phrase in that song that says, your plans for me are better than my own. So I kept on saying, I know your plans for me and my daughter are better than our own, so I. I will trust you. And that. That was my way of surrendering at the time. That evolved into silent prayer, which is like a form of Christian meditation in which I just invoke the Holy Spirit. And I. And I asked for him to come into me and take care of the praying. Right? Because when we pray, we use our minds, and our minds are limited. And when we let the Holy Spirit do the praying for us, he knows everything. He knows our future, our past, our present, our hearts. So opening path for the Holy Spirit to come pray for you and do with your life as he wishes gives you the wisdom to discern and know what comes from Him. And the peace. I say that whenever something gives you peace, it comes from God.

For sure.

For sure.

Yeah. Is there anything else that was, like, super significant that you want to share about how you are now, how you are?

I have a whole online program about that. So that's. That's like a whole other video in and of itself. I used my clinical knowledge and training to do exercises that helped me through it, and I share those in my online program. But I always say that through faith was the glue. I could have had all those tools, but those are. Those are human tools, like things that you can do as a human, but we're limited. Faith was the glue that was able to bring it all together. Because if I'm doing all these techniques and skills and exercises and activities, but I don't have faith in them. Not just faith in God, faith in the process, Faith in people, in your community, faith in yourself, faith in your ability to see the signs that come from God, there is a lot. There's a lot that I share in that program, and I'm happy to do another video another time. If you're gonna work on anything, work on that relationship with God. Because while we tend to believe and there's this paradigm of the more we do, the more we accomplish. But sometimes less is more and doing less and surrendering more to God is just so powerful. So I attribute most of my success and my joy to my faith. But there are definitely a lot of things that we could be doing in the process because, you know, faith in what God gives you, the tools you need to implement them and use them as well.

Yeah. So you. Betsy went through this whole process and her grieving process, that's never ending. Right. Like, how do you feel about that? Would you say that you're still grieving?

That's a. That's a trick question. I feel okay because a lot of people say that you. You never stop grieving and you never stop feeling that pain. And I just have such a different perspective about pain. I embrace pain, and I think of it as what's going to. Like the stepping stone to joy, to strength, to growth. So the pain that comes with grieving, to me, is not the enemy. So I have a hard time saying that I'm grieving because it has a negative connotation. I don't grieve. I don't suffer anymore. I may have moments in which I think of it and I bring the memory. Like, I go to the past a little bit and I feel it, but I. I don't suffer anymore. I don't grieve. But that doesn't mean. Again, it's not linear. That doesn't mean that I'll never have a sad moment.

Right. Not that you feel sad, that you're not suffering, that it's purposeless or that.

You'Re questioning and it's angry are shorter and less intense in terms of emotional.

Right. So Betsy went through this whole process and this terrible experience of losing her daughter, and now you can see a bit of how joyful she is. But I know from my personal experience with her over the past two years that that's true and that she is truly that joyful most of the time. And so she developed this program that she mentioned called Hurt to Hope. Because that's your most common question. Right. Like, I'm hurting, and how do I have hope like you? How do I become joyful like that?

Right. People would ask me, like, betsy, I know you were in excruciating pain because they saw me, and I know you're super joyful because I see you. But how. How did you go from hurt to hope to joy?

Yeah.

And so it's.

Is it six weeks? Is it a certain number of weeks?

No, it's it's like therapy at the comfort of your own home and at your pace. And it's a program that has five modules with the five main tools of how to overcome the pain of loss. Each module has like three or four videos, and each video has a hope sheet, a worksheet and exercise. And then we have regularly, we have live Q and A and like coaching sessions. And we have like a community of people, people that are facing grief or pain, but they're doing so with grace and they're embracing their pain to grow. My perspective is not like, oh my gosh, I'm in this pain and in this grief and I'm never going to be able to overcome this. And in 10 years, I'm still going to feel the pain. No, it's like, how do I allow myself to feel this pain to help it help me grow and become stronger from it? It's like my pride and joy. I've poured my heart and my soul into it. I share my story, I share the things that work for me. I incorporate my clinical training with my personal experience and a sprinkle of faith to help guide perfect combination.

So if you are grieving, if you've experienced loss, if you resonated with anything that Betsy shared, I'll put the link for the course in the description, so just scroll a little bit down and you'll be able to find it. And I'll also link all of Bethy's social media and her YouTube channel, which is like a million videos full of every good piece of information that you ever need. So check out those videos if you want to hear more from her and follow her on Instagram and everything else. I'll leave all the links down below. Is there anything that you want to leave them with?

Like, one last thing, I guess to believe wholeheartedly in that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story and what helped you and what life looked like in the midst of something so heartbreaking and life changing and sorrowful. But you have found joy in the midst of that and God is in everything. But like you said, unless you go through something like that, you don't know what your faith looks like in the midst of that. And God was with you and you were able to find him, even though you were angry and didn't know where he was, you were able to, to see him and your faith. It sounds like he's so much stronger now.

Absolutely. I'm like fearless and all powerful. Like I feel, like, indestructible. Like, it's. It's. I'm like, I got it.

Amazing.

I got it.

Thank you, guys for watching. If you like this video, give it a thumbs up. Don't forget to subscribe to my channel for more videos soon and to Betsy's channel also. And I'll see you in my next video. Bye.