How to Be Ready for the Hardest Moments | 65

There are times in which life throws a curveball at you and only you can bat it or catch it. Nobody can help you in that moment. No matter how resourceful you are and how connected you are to other people who may know better, at that moment, it's just you and the curveball. What do you do? Today, I am going to teach you how to respond to any curveball, whether it's a diagnosis, a financial issue, a relationship problem, a legal situation, whatever comes your way, You are going to know exactly how to bat it so that you can get a home run. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face, said Mike Tyson. And that's exactly what my friend— I'm gonna call her Kathy— felt when they called her from school last week. Her son Benjamin, who's a teenager, had expressed suicidal ideation. And not just that, He had a plan on how he was gonna execute and when. He was so depressed and so anxious and so stressed that he wanted to end it. And what happens with suicidal ideation is that many times the person doesn't wanna end their lives. The person wants to end the pain, the situation, but they're so identified with their pain that they don't know that that's not who they are. It feels so real and so all-consuming that they feel the only way to end the pain or the suffering is by ending their lives. They don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. They don't understand that that's something they can get rid of. That's something that's not who they are. So she receives this phone call and freaks out. I mean, wouldn't you? Your son that you adore with all your heart, your life, doesn't want to live, doesn't realize how loved he is and is suffering and is in pain. Like, I can't imagine something more excruciating for a mom. So my friend Kathy calls me and is like, I need help, I need help. And I guided her a little bit on like, okay, let's call this person, that person. And she started working with a therapist, then with a psychiatrist. And I called her back to touch base and follow up. She's like, oh, you know, like, he was diagnosed with this. And I'm like, okay, like, I see it. Like, I see how he has some symptoms of that diagnosis. But I was like surprised that he was diagnosed so quickly in one session. And then she goes to the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says like, no, that's not the diagnosis. It's this other diagnosis. Within a week, this kid had like 3 different diagnoses. And my friend was like, yeah, like whenever she would tell me about one diagnosis, she's like, yeah, I get it because he does this and he does that. And, you know, yes, I can see that. And then when they changed the diagnosis, she was like, yeah, but that makes sense because, you know, he has these symptoms and this behavior. And since he was little, he was this way. And she could validate all of the, all of the diagnoses based on the symptoms. And I just listened and Couldn't help but feel, wait, what if, what if it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is? What if, what if this kid is not depressed or anxious or, I don't know, whatever other diagnosis he received? What if this kid is misunderstood? What if he doesn't fit the mold? What if he doesn't fit the mold because he's greater, bigger, better than the mold? And here we are trying to fit him in into the average mold. What if he's a star and the mold is a circle, right? Like, and when I was listening to her and knowing her son a little bit, I was like, you know, if I would have been the one to diagnose your kid, I would have diagnosed him with exceptional Incredible kid that doesn't fit the mold. He's just not your average kid. And I gave her evidence. I gave her examples as to why I think that is. This kid has a talent that is unseen in the average kid. He's very determined, very bright, very responsible and applied. You know, he cares. He's— he has These gestures with other humans, including his mom, that are special and unique in such a beautiful way. He is extraordinary. So I told her, like, his diagnosis is extraordinarism. That's the pathology he has. The reason I'm sharing this story is because my friend Kathy did not know what to do with her kid. She did not know how to help him. She did what every— any resourceful human being would do. She hired a therapist, hired a psychiatrist. She looked for support in the people who know better, right? Like, I hear this all the time. Every time a mom calls me for therapy or coaching for their kid, they always say like, you know, I'm not a professional, I'm not an expert. And all I can think of is you are very equipped and resourceful because you're, you know, you're calling me, you're calling someone who does this for a living. But there are things very much like Mike Tyson that cannot be delegated. Your therapist, your kid's therapist is not gonna be in your house 24/7. The psychiatrist isn't either. You are. And there are some skills and some wisdom that you must know to be able to support the people that are assigned to you, beginning with your family, your children, your spouse, your parents, your— Your friends. Your loved ones, your community. Mike Tyson couldn't delegate getting a punch in the face because he's the one in the ring. He's the one there putting up the fight. You know, he can't wait to see what his coach thinks about, you know, what to do when you're punched. Like, they can talk about it very much like you do when you hire a therapist or a professional to support a loved one or even yourself, right? Like, but ultimately— You are the one showing up in your life to serve those you love. And what I've learned is that when it comes to handiwork, you can delegate that any day, no problem. Okay, just call the handyman. If it needs to wait till tomorrow, what's the worst that can happen? The AC is broken and you're going to be hot for a day. Okay, well, that sucks, but nobody's going to die. But when it comes to An example like this one, your child is suicidal. Whatever you say or do may literally be an issue of life or death, may save your loved one's life or not prevent him from hurting himself. When you understand that, there is just Absolutely no excuse on becoming as equipped as you can with human understanding and divine connection. Now, my friend Kathy is very connected to God. I admire her faith so deeply. She's really, really connected, which is why she's resourceful and capable of asking for help. To these people that she knows can support her child. But then when you think about, there's also like the resources in terms of financial resources, and sometimes we don't have access to like the best of the best of the best. We need to accommodate to what is available. Having certain skills and tools that I realized she didn't possess at the time become absolutely necessary. Like, when she was sharing little details later on of, of her son hurting himself in other ways, right? Like, not through suicidal or feeling extremely anxious. And when she would share her reaction, her reaction was that of any mom. Like, why did you do this? She was worried sick. Like, why did you do this? Why can't you see that we all love you? Like, but, but when you do that with someone who's so vulnerable and is already carrying so much pain, they may feel instead of supported, they may feel shame. Like, why did you do that? May feel like, are you an idiot? Obviously, that's not what she said. But someone who's so sensitive may hear that instead of your desperate desire to know what's wrong and how you can help. So when she's telling me different stories and how she responded to him, I've felt so heartbroken that she didn't know things that I teach my students and that I know. Like, I know that if anything happens to any of my children, I am equipped enough to support in the immediate situation until I can get them the help that they need. If there's an illness, I very much like my friend, I know that I can reach out to some doctors that specialize in that. But in the meantime, I know how to help them feel safe. I know how to teach them how to connect with the power that they have in their subconscious mind to help the healing. I know how to not make it worse by reducing their level of anxiety and stress. I know the power of breathing. I know how to teach them how to breathe and meditate, all those things that are are going to serve them no matter what illness or experience they're going through, like a tragedy, a traumatic event, like whatever that is. And that gives me peace of mind to know that I know enough to serve and support in simple moments until I can get the help that I need. And when I was talking to my friend, I was like— I was realizing you, all of you, need the very foundational skill set of how to help someone. You need Psychology 101. We all do. Because we're all humans here trying to elevate other humans. That's part of our purpose. So the solution to your problem is not to find the right people, know everybody, have all the money in the world. Any of those punches in the face that disarm your capacity and your ability to respond and fight back and pursue your plan is to be equipped. If you become equipped with a little bit of psychology, a little bit of human understanding on how to validate your loved ones, how to How to support them in a way that serves and protects them and elevates them. And you know how to tap into the divine wisdom within the indwelling God, the Holy Spirit. If you have that skill set and that connection, if you are equipped and connected, you will always know how to respond to the punches in your face. You will always know how to support at that particular moment until you get the help that you need, your loved ones. And if you don't think that's your responsibility, then I don't know what is. And I, I had never thought about this as clearly as I have it in my heart today, I guess because I knew it. But I didn't know how to convey it because it hadn't become so serious as someone possibly losing their lives because mom didn't know what to say or dad didn't know how to respond. And that's what I do in the Faith-Based Coaching Academy. People still to this day, I don't understand, I don't know how else to explain it, but people still to this day think it's just a LifeCourse certification. But 98% of my students do not care to become life coaches as a career. My students come to me because they want to be equipped and connected. They want to learn enough to support the people they're assigned to with wisdom, competence, and confidence. Because when you know all these things, you, you know that what you're doing is serving them. It's— you're not just winging it. And they come to me also because they want to be connected. They want to learn, like, you know, this Holy Spirit thing that people talk about, like, what is that? How do you know it's the Holy Spirit and not your mind? What does it mean to feel the Holy Spirit? What does it mean to be on fire? I teach my students how to connect with that presence within, with the wisdom, with the infinite knowledge that exists within each one of us. We do not need a degree. in psychology to become very wise in the field, but there are some tools and theories and skill sets that are essential for you to show up with those that are assigned to you. So today, my friend, I want to tell you that if life throws a curveball and it includes you coping with something that feels insurmountable and impossible, or it involves you supporting your child Through the possibility of him taking his life, you are responsible for knowing enough to help them in that moment in which you are the one that the school is calling. You need to know what to say, how to say it. It is important that you don't just wing it. Wing it may cost someone his life. And I'm talking about this extreme case, but What about the kid that came home crying because he was bullied? Or the girl that just broke up with the boyfriend and feels like she's unworthy and unlovable? Or your husband who had a really serious situation at work and feels depleted and anxious and insecure, something that you had never witnessed in him? Or perhaps this illness, this diagnosis, That you were given, or the person you love was given, and you have no idea how to feel about it, whether to fight or give up, whether to have hope or believe everything that the doctors say with regards to the prognosis that doesn't seem too good. Like, how do you respond? Like, when the plan goes off the window because you got punched in the face. You must know the basics. Just today, I was in a session, a live session with my students from this cohort, and one of the moms was sharing like, oh no, you know, Betsy, like, I know that one of the things that you say is that we must practice what we learn here, that the whole point of this program is to embody what we're learning. And I have to say that I just went to the parent weekend in my, you know, my son's college, and typically I would've freaked out, But instead, this time, I was able to show up for him the way he needed me to show up. And what she was referring to was that she wanted, you know, in her mind, she was gonna go to parents' weekend and have the best time with her son. And they were gonna hang out and go to the bars together. And she was— he was gonna introduce her to his friends and all this stuff. And instead, the son had no time. He was super busy. He was rushing for a fraternity, had schoolwork. He had a lot of things going on. And only spent about an hour with her after she drove eight hours. And instead of freaking out and being pissed off and you know making it about herself because we do that sometimes as parents, she decided to show up as the mom he needed her to be. And this is one of her intentions is to nurture her relationship with her son. So she was very, very, very focused on how she was gonna. spend that time with him and show up for him. And instead of screaming, she just indulged in that 1 hour he gave her and made the best out of it and was kind and understanding and said, like, okay, buddy, like, I understand, like, don't worry about it. And came back home after all those hours of driving for 1 hour with her son, came back home feeling so fulfilled because she showed up For him the way he needed her to be. So she wasn't the mom she wanted to be. She was the mom he needed her to be. And that's, that's another story for another day. But that's, that's hard. You know, we have an idea as to what parenting is supposed to look like. Like, I want to be a mom that is always like listening to her kids. I do this for other kids, for other families. How am I not going to do it for my kids? But then some of my kids don't talk. They don't care to talk, and they don't want to share. And every time I tell them something, they're like, "Mwah mwah." They probably listen to me like they would Charlie Brown. Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah. You know, like whatever I say, like your mind's gonna believe whatever you tell it. Every time I say that, they roll their eyes and they think I'm crazy. So you know, I I want to show up a certain way, but maybe that's not what they need. And I know with my oldest, for example, I. There was a time that I really wanted to be there and like her— the person she comes to to share. And she wasn't interested. She wasn't interested in talking to me. But I stayed there. And I think about that time when I lost Fofi, that there were a lot of people in my house the day after her death. They were talking to each other, and it was super overwhelming for me. And when I walked— Past the kitchen, I see that there's this one person, solita, like she's alone, leaning against the wall, just there. And I remember what I felt was, she's not here to see what happened. She's not here to mingle with anybody. She's not here to like talk about like how sad this is. She's here in case I need her. She's just there. And that's, that's what I wanted to be for my daughter, because that's what she seemed to need, for me to be just there for whenever she needed me. And it turns out, my friend, that the moments in which she has needed me— and one of those moments happened recently when she went through something difficult in her life— she's come to me because I've been leaning against the wall, just there. And that's what this mom did. She was there. She was there for when he was ready. And what he had for her was an hour, and she gladly took it. And then she allowed for him to keep on and do his thing. That's wisdom. She knew that now, but she didn't know it then. So now she has the opportunity and the ability to build a relationship with her son with wisdom and intentionality, as opposed to reacting. And expecting what she wants from him, which was always set up for failure, you know, setting him up for failure because it's not what he was going to give her. I could tell you so many stories, but I don't want to overwhelm you with all of them. But the point here is there are moments in which you can call a favor. You can call a doctor, you can call a friend, you can call a handyman, you can call the AC guy. To fix the problem, and you should call the attorney, call the CPA, like call those people. That's why we went to school to study these things so we could serve you. But there are moments in which the one getting punched in the face is you. The one that has to respond to this particular moment is you. The one they're calling from school. Is you. How are you going to react at that moment? How are you going to serve your loved one or yourself if the curveball is against you? How are you gonna give yourself or the person assigned to you the very thing that they need to hear or experience from you at that moment? That only comes from being equipped and connected. And notice that I'm not telling you be only equipped. Anybody can study psychology. There's so much personal development out there, like so many books and courses and programs and all the things. My— the Faith-Based Coaching Academy being the best one, and I am not biased at all, not even a little bit. I'm also saying that you get to be connected. And connected, connection is about being one with God, which is how we were born. We were created to His image and likeness, and when we're born, we're perfect. We're perfect. We're one with God. But at some point, we start learning the wisdom of humanity, of the world, And we think that we know more because we're learning all these things and we're becoming so capable and so bright and, you know, we know so much that we forget that we had it all, all along. We had the inner wisdom, the Holy Spirit, that superpower inside of us all along. So I always tell my students that we We study psychology to feel equipped and competent and build confidence because, you know, when you show up knowing, you use the right words, you know how to get to the person, you know how to approach the problem, you have tools that support you. So it's powerful. It's really, really awesome. But ultimately, what, what really transforms is that connection. Because if you have the knowledge at any given moment during which you're in crisis, this goes out the window. You forget everything. Like, your brain goes blank and you're like, what do I say? What do I do? Like, you have no idea. You have no idea how many times I, to this day, feel like I don't know what to say. And I've been saying things for 26 years. Like, how do I not know what to say? But when you're connected, this, whatever you learned that remains in your subconscious, you have access to so that you may do it wisely. But it's ultimately that tapping into the God within that is able to speak through you or to do through you. And that's why many times you hear people say like, no, it wasn't me, it was God. Like, you know, I'm just a vessel. I'm just the messenger, an instrument. That's what connection does. If you're connected to the vine, then the one speaking through you, the one doing through you, the one serving through you is the source. It's the vine. It's the God within. But Because we're not always 100% of the time connected, having the backup of the knowledge really, really, really serves us. So all this to say that the only way you can show up as your best self, you can step into the purpose that God created you to live and experience, The only way you can serve with your gifts that God gave you is by being equipped and connected. So if you haven't done the work to learn enough to be dangerous about the psychology of humans, if you don't know enough, I invite you to book a call at talktobetsy.com so that you can join the next cohort of the Faith-Based Coaching Academy. And if you feel like, I got this, I've gone to all the conferences, read all the books, done all the programs. I know enough. I've gone to therapy. That's like— I think that's the most powerful way of learning, when you go through your processes yourself, because you learn so much from being on the other side of— on the receiving end of this powerful work that really equips you, right? Like, I guess most of my students have been through therapy or coaching. They've done already a lot of personal development work. So when they come to me, they understand the effect, but they may not have the language or the tools to use that wisdom to share it with others. But they have that, and that's part of being equipped. And then the most important thing, become connected. Spend time every day in silence, solitude, and stillness. Spend time every day in Scripture. Spend time every day connecting to God, like dedicating a little bit of time, even if it's 15 minutes, just to be in that presence of God and surrendering to His thinking and His ways so that you may convey, here I am, Lord. So that you may convey, Come on in, come on in, I'm ready. Have your way with me. Because God's a gentleman. If you don't let Him in, He respects that. So when you spend that time in prayer, in silence, solitude, and stillness, what you're doing is you're opening the door. You are connecting. You are bridging the gap that separates you from being one with God again. So Back to my friend Kathy, when we had our conversation and I told her about the diagnosis of her son, which was really not anxiety, depression, all the things that they that he was diagnosed. It was ultimately extraordinaryism. When she when she heard that, she was like, "You're right," and I'm like, "And he needs to know that." And next time he says, you know, he does something inappropriate because he was in so much pain, right? Like if he's hurting himself because he had a panic attack. At school and then, you know, went. And you know how some— I don't know if you've heard of people who cut themselves. When they cut themselves, what they're trying to do is to shift the focus from the inner pain, which feels unbearable, to a physical pain. And, you know, by focusing on that pain, like, it's almost like they feel relief because this pain of cutting themselves in the physical flesh, you know, in the flesh. Is less excruciating than the pain they feel within that they have no control over or feel they have no control over. So instead of asking that person, why would you do that? And why did you do that? And I'm paying all this money for— she didn't say that. She didn't say that. But I've heard other people do that. Instead of asking, why did you do that? There's a big difference in showing up as like, wow, buddy. You must have been in so much pain to do that. Tell me a little bit about what you were feeling. That's different. Why did you do that? Someone who is not at his maximum capacity may interpret that or feel that as shaming. Like, why did you do that? Like, what were you thinking? That may feel like shaming. But if you say like, wow, You must have been in so much pain, buddy. Tell me a little bit about that. Then suddenly they're like, oh wait, they see me. Well, here's what happens, Mom. Like, I was in class and, you know, this happened and I felt super anxious and I went to the bathroom and I just, you know, I just wanted to cry and like scream or do something, but it wasn't appropriate. So I just, I did this and I hurt myself. And then you can respond with like, oh man, I hear you, buddy. You're going through so much. And, you know, I was— that's happened to me too. And maybe you share a little experience or, or someone that you know, and to normalize it and to let him know, like, hey, you're not crazy, you're not defective. The only defect you have is that you're extraordinary, that you're amazing, that you're special. That's the only defect you have. But then when you say that, now Now they have your— now you have their attention and they feel safe and they have your support. And at that point, you can teach them like, you know, when that happened to me, they taught me a breathing exercise that was very helpful. And then you can teach the breathing exercise. And now you're like, okay, so look, let's do it together. Let's do the box breathing. Inhale for 4 seconds. Hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. And then you teach him this new technique that he can take to the bathroom in school with him so that he doesn't have to hurt himself. Instead, now he has something he can do to replenish and to bring the oxygen that escaped his brain and went to his, his hands and feet so that he could fight or flee. That's what happens when we're in fight or flight or have like all these traumatic experiences or panic attacks. All that oxygen that is in the wrong place comes back to the brain with just a simple breathing exercise. He changes his brain neurochemically because you were equipped to guide him through something simple. Notice how you don't need a whole doctorate to know that. And to support, to know when to support him. And of course, it helps that because you're connected and constantly working on your spirituality, like, God gave you the wisdom and the words to tell your son. So, my friend, if you keep thinking like, oh, I don't need to learn that, or that's not for me, that's never gonna happen to me, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. If you want to be the kind of person who shows up wholeheartedly, competently, confidently, with wisdom, grace, and power for the people God's assigned to you, go to talktobetsy.com and allow me to equip you with wisdom. And help you connect with that inner indwelling God that is already within you. I hope this conveys the importance of becoming equipped and connected, and I can't wait to talk to you. talktobetsy.com. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you. So thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode. Send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me at faithandgrowth.com. Thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye. Bye.