This is a short transcript of a Betsy Guerra YouTube talk advising couples that humility and accountability are the central, practical keys to repairing and improving relationships. Guerra defines humility as shifting focus from self-centered blame to curiosity and empathy for a partner’s feelings, and accountability as assuming responsibility for one’s role so one can change behaviors and thereby change the relationship dynamics. The overall message: responsibility equals power; pride and ego block love.
Chapters
The majority of couples that come to see me have lost hope in their relationship. They don't know what else to do to make things better. They don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and they feel that they've done everything that they can. So they almost come to therapy to check it off the list and really confirm that there's nothing else they can do. But then I surprise them with two things that they haven't done and that are the secret to fulfilling relationships. And those two things are humility and accountability. Let me tell you what they mean. When you humble yourself, you go from a place of arrogance and self centeredness and asking yourself, how dare he do this to me? And who does she think she is? Rather than coming from a place of humility in which you ask yourself, I wonder why he feels that way. I wonder what compelled her to act in that manner and react in that manner. That's the difference between coming from self centeredness and coming from humility. You change the focus, you care about the other person, you empathize with how the other person feels, and you give them the benefit of the doubt. You think, well, maybe that person is going through something or interpreted something that I said in a negative way and that's why she was triggered. And that takes me to accountability. When you are able to think, what do I have to do with where I'm at today in my relationship, then you're able to assume the power of changing it. Because if you had something to do with where you're at, you can do it differently and change your situation. But if everything is your spouse's fault and you are the victim, good luck with changing anything because you just have to sit down and wait for him or her to change and that ain't gonna happen. So when you implement humility, when humble yourself and rather than letting your ego and pride, the enemies of love, get in the way, you allow the relationship to grow. You allow yourself to understand why the other person feels or reacts the way that he or she does. And when you come from a place of accountability, when you assume responsibility, well, maybe she reacted like that because I said this and I know that this triggers her. I always say that nothing has to change for everything to change. If you change your perspective, if you change the way you treat your spouse, the way you communicate with him or her, the way you trigger or not trigger him or her, then you will get different results. So assume the responsibility, assume the humility, and give your partner the love, the kindness that they need and deserve. Or maybe they don't deserve actually, so that you can get that back. Assume responsibility for everything that they've done to you, because the odds of you having contributed to that are very high. Responsibility equals power, and humility is the opposite of pride and ego, which are the enemies of love. So get those two in check. Be humble. Be humble. Don't try to be right. Be humble and be accountable. And once you assume that responsibility for your relationship, you'll find yourself acting in ways that promote having the fulfilling relationship that you long for. Sam.
