How to Reframe Anything: The Psychology Tool That Changes Your Life | 57

If something is happening in your life that you cannot change, you cannot control, you cannot fast forward, and it's annoying the heck out of you or hurting you deeply, today you're going to learn the one thing that is going to change everything in your life without anything externally having to change. A few weeks ago, I started my Reignite Your Marriage program, and we have a WhatsApp chat, and we have daily challenges. So every day I I send a message to my group members and they are responsible for doing something with or for their spouse every single day. It's really, really, really amazing. And one of the days, the homework was to reframe. And that chat went crazy. Betsy, how do you reframe your husband leaving the dirty, the bathroom dirty? And how do you reframe him being so negative? And how do you reframe your husband being indecisive, and how do you reframe, you know, your emotions when you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and exasperated? And it went on and on and on. And I felt like texting them the message wasn't enough, so I had to do audio messages. And it was really, really, really powerful to witness how hard it can be to change the perspective with which you're looking at something when that something annoys the crap out of you. That is your thorn, the thing that is like bothering you and picking at you when you're trying to live your best life and be the happiest woman or man on earth. And today I am going to explain to you what reframing is. I have been baptized the Queen of Reframing, so I do this really, really, really well. And it is something that will forever change your life, transform the way you experience life, even when you cannot change the circumstances. This is it. If you're gonna learn something from psychology, learn this: we don't see the world the way the world is, we see the world the way we are. Which means we have the power to change the way we see things so that we can then change the world that we're looking at. And that is what reframing is all about. Now, think of reframing as the word says it, as putting a new frame, reframing, right? Imagine that your great-grandmother gave you a cuadro, like a frame of a sunset in the Keys with a Victorian gold and black and antique frame that does not go with your modern house. It doesn't look good at all. And she gives it to you with so much joy and she's like, "This is for your new home." And you're like, "Uh, thank you, Grandma. Thank you so much." And you really wanna put it up because you wanna make her feel so good. But you're, there's no way that you're going to have that eyesore frame in your living room when you just got a new home and it's just beautiful. So then you're like, "Ah, how can I make it work?" And then you're like, "There's a frame shop right next to my house." So then you go to the frame shop and you ask the person like, "Hey, this is my decoration. Do you think you have something that can match it?" And they, you know, they show you a few ones. There's one that you like. They reframe your sunset, your key's sunset that your great-grandma gave you. And when you go pick it up, you're like, "Ah!" Oh my gosh, this is beautiful. And you put it up in your living room and it's like everybody has something to say about it. And you're like, oh my gosh. The most ugly piece of art that I had for my living room as a gift became the most beautiful by just reframing it, by just changing the frame. The Keys sunset remained the same. Circumstances. Life situations don't have to change if you do the work of reframing. So reframing in psychology means that you change the perspective with which you're looking at an unpleasant situation into a positive one. You find the positive, you find the way of looking at it so that it doesn't hurt. 'Cause here's the thing, the feelings that we experience are usually guided by the thoughts that we have. So if we have negative thoughts about something, then we feel unpleasant emotions. But if we see something as beautiful and powerful and in your favor, then the emotions that you are gonna experience are positive. There's gratitude and there's joy and there's excitement. So all we have to do is not control what is not under our power, external situations, but rather what is within our control. Which is the way we look at life. And we do that through reframing. So in my group chat, I'm gonna share a few of the things that they shared. There was one person who was like, my husband is super messy and he leaves a mess in the bathroom. And today I was trying to do my homework for the Reignite Your Marriage Challenge, and I just couldn't 'cause the underwear's all over, he didn't clean the floor. And she's like, how do you reframe that, Betsy? And I sent her a message and I'm like, well, a few years ago, I had just lost my daughter, Fofi, and I was packing for a ski trip. And I had like 4 huge suitcases on top of my bed. And I was overwhelmed. And I'm like, there were so many big things. I didn't, you know, I had never gone skiing before. So I'm packing and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is ridiculous. I have all these things to pack for all the kids. The kids were little. And then I was like, "Oh, how I wish I was packing 5 bags instead of 4," because that meant that I would've been packing a bag for my fofi, who was in heaven at the time. And after that happened, I don't know, something clicked inside me, and I'm like, I get to remember that when my kids or my husband or anybody I love is being super annoying and bothering me, I get to remember that That's because they're here. That's because they're alive. That's because they can. How I wish Fofi would be a pain in my butt. How I wish she would annoy the heck out of me. 'Cause then that would mean that she's still home with me, here in this home, not the heavenly home. Ever since, like, every time I'm complaining about something, the moment the complaint comes out of my mouth, I'm like, "Oh wait." It's because, it's because he's here. And I know that many times when we lose somebody, we appreciate the things that annoyed us the most. So what I shared with that member of my group was, listen, you get to see the mess and be like, he's home, he's present. He always comes home. He doesn't stay out in the streets. He's here present with our family. Yes, it's annoying. I'm not saying that you get to justify that and that they don't have to ever change anything. I'm not saying like, oh, just change the perspective and leave the mess. I'm saying change the perspective so that you can reclaim your power and not let something rob you of your peace. And then once you change that perspective, when you reframe and you're in a place of neutrality, emotionally speaking, then you can approach the person that is leaving the mess in a way that's gonna inspire him to do better. But when you approach him from the annoyance, they may perceive it as judgment, as criticism, as attack, as I'm not good enough, as I don't measure up for you. And then when you become defensive, and then it's hard to change from that place. So it's a ripple effect. The moment you reframe, you reclaim your power, you feel better, Now nobody's robbing you of your peace. You're not giving that power to your spouse or the mess in the bathroom. And then you are able to come to that person and ask for what you desire in a way that will lead to him doing it the way you want him to do it. And that's called in psychology, self-fulfilling prophecy. When you prophesize he's gonna do better with the picking up of the bathroom, then you show up in a way that inspires him to do that. But if you're like, oh my gosh, he's always gonna be messy and I'm gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life and he's so annoying, then the way you come at him will probably fulfill that prophecy too, right? So we have a lot of power by just reframing. We're controlling ourselves, but we also influence the behavior of the other person and are able to self-fulfill prophecies that we desire to. Experience with intention, as opposed to thinking like, it's not gonna work out. And then you unconsciously fulfill that prophecy too. So reframing is about changing the perspective. I'll give you a few other examples that I've experienced so that you can connect with whatever it is that you get to apply this to in your life. There was a time that my kids were little and I had Chi Chi, my oldest, was in the hospital. She was hospitalized with pneumonia. And then my youngest, who's 5 years apart, was with RSV, like a respiratory virus. And she was in the emergency room. So I was with her in the emergency room. I was still breastfeeding her. She was little. And they were sending her home, but then Chichi was in the hospital. And at some point, I was super overwhelmed. I'm like, I cannot believe. That two of my daughters are in the hospital. Like, I was freaking out. Fofi had already died. So I had the perspective of, you know, losing a child. And I remember at some point I was so overwhelmed that I asked for someone to stay with both of my daughters so that I could go to outside and just take a breath of fresh air. And when I was outside in the waiting room, I was like, "Reframe, reframe." How do you reframe this? This sucks. And I'm like, "Reframe, reframe." And I looked around and I was like, "Okay, okay, what is positive about this?" Well, I'm in a hospital because I can. And because there's a hospital 5 minutes away from my house. Like, there are people in Africa and other parts of the world that don't have a hospital nearby. There are people in Cuba that have a hospital nearby, but the hospital is dirty and has nothing to be able to, care for them. I'm in a hospital that has all of the supplies and medicines that I need to support my children. So I was like, oh, thank you, thank you. I'm in a hospital, I can. And by the way, I don't have to pay for this. And if I have to pay, it's a minimum copay that I can afford. So then I feel so grateful because I had the money to pay the copay and the insurance to pay the rest. And then I'm like, oh wait, and I'm here alone in the waiting room while my daughter's are in the hospital because I have support. I have a support system that is here with me. I have someone with one of my daughters, another person with the other one. I'm so blessed. I'm so lucky. Like, oh my gosh, thank you. And then I thought, my daughters are gonna come out of this hospital. They're gonna come out. Chichi's gonna overcome her pneumonia, and Mia is gonna overcome the RSV, and And I'm gonna go home with my daughters. I don't know when, but they're gonna be okay. That is treatable. They're safe. They're in a good place. I know what it feels like to leave the hospital without your child. I know what that feels like. I had to leave Fofi and never see her, hold her again. There were people in that hospital that were battling, their kids were battling cancer or a terminal illness. Mine just had RSV and pneumonia, no big deal. So when I thought about that, I was like, "I'm gonna walk out of here with them." And then I thought about the parents who were in that hospital and didn't know if and when they were going to walk out of that hospital with their children. They didn't know. I knew. I knew in my heart. So at that point, I was like, what? Two daughters in the hospital? Thank God for the breast pump, 'cause I can pump some milk, send it over with my husband, 'cause I have a husband who's present and can take care of my daughter, and I'm so lucky, and they live 5 minutes away. So worst case, he comes back with the pump and I give him more milk. And I was like, oh my gosh, bring it on, let's go, I got this. Thank you, God, 'cause it's just two daughters in the hospital with pneumonia and RSV. So what was the end of the world at the beginning, like, oh my goodness, what am I gonna do? Became the greatest blessing and thing to be thankful for. And I truly was so grateful. I went back into that room to care for my little one, and I just had so much peace in my heart and so much gratitude. That's how you reframe. You're stuck in traffic. This traffic in Miami sucks. Or, oh, this traffic gives me time to be still, to listen to the podcast, Betsy's podcast, to listen to an audiobook, to call my mom or my grandmother and connect. This gives me a moment with myself. And okay, you can reframe the hospital, you can reframe the traffic, you can reframe the messy husband or wife. How do you reframe losing your daughter? And I had to come face to face with this question. I was like, how? How can I see the positive in losing Fofi? Like, WTF? I don't curse, but in that case, I was like, what? How? I was able to even reframe that. At some point, I went from being the grieving mom who lost a daughter, who moped around town feeling depleted, destroyed, like dead, to choosing to becoming the chosen mother of an angel who is VIP in heaven, and anything that I ask for, Fofi can intercede for me and get for me, like hug me up. So I literally would imagine, 'cause I tell myself a lot of stories, that's what reframing is about, but it's about telling yourself stories with intention because, spoiler alert, you have been telling yourself stories all along that are just not good for you. So reframing is about changing the story that you unconsciously told yourself and you swear it's because it's reality and it's the truth, It's a story, to creating the story that's gonna serve and support you so that you may feel better and then do better for humanity. So I went from the moping around grieving mom of a daughter who she couldn't keep alive to the chosen mother of an angel who's VIP in heaven. And I imagine now that when Fofi, goes to Jesus to ask for something that I've been praying about, Jesus looks at her and is like, "You are so cute. Whatever you want, fofi. Whatever you want." And then I get all my wishes granted. And I really swear that I'm God's favorite. And I've even thought like, well, Mary was the chosen mother of our Savior, of the Lord. Then me being the chosen mother of an angel is kind of a big deal. Like, I'm awesome. I'm the favorite. So literally, when people think, when people meet me for the first time and their first thought is like, "Pobrecita, poor you that lost a daughter," what I feel like telling them is, "Pobrecita tú," like, "Poor you." I have gotten to like rise above the unbearable, the unimaginable. I know the peace that surpasses understanding. I know the joy joy that depends not on external circumstances, like losing your daughter. I know all that. What do you got? What do you got? Right? Like, so when you reframe, you tell yourself stories, you change the perspective, you reframe, you change the frame. Even if the circumstance stays the same, Fofi didn't come back, and then everything's better for it. And then you become hope for others. You become an example. You become light. And you become your best self because you are happy and hopeful while you are making humanity better. And you, my friend, you have a lot to share. You have been through grief. You have been through pain. You have experienced life. And it has not been easy. It has not. But in the measure that you rise, in the measure that you reframe and you change the way you feel, and when you change the way you think and the way you feel, then you change also your actions, and you live for others, and you share your wisdom with others, then we build the Kingdom of God together. And that is a responsibility. That is purpose. That is your calling. You have been felt called to more. This is what more looks like. And it begins by changing the perspective with which you're looking at the situation you're in. When you reframe, you live a life of gratitude. And gratitude is a very high frequency, high vibrating emotion that attracts other high frequency emotions like joy and enlightenment and wisdom. So when you begin your reframe, it's like a ripple effect that creates transformation and the life that you were created to live. So if this resonates with you, please, please, please, please take a moment to reflect on what in my life is like a thorn, that thorn that is not perfect and robs me of my peace and prevents me from focusing on all the blessings that God's given me. Like, is there something that is consistently robbing you of that peace? Is it your marriage? Is it your relationship with your child? Is it your finances, legal issues, a family member, business, or career? What is it? Like, think about it. And then take a moment to reframe. How could you look at this? If it's something with your purpose, your career, like, or you're feeling called to more, then maybe the reframe is that that discomfort is pushing you to explore what it is that God wants from you. It is inspiring you to reconnect with God so that you can find the answers to your questions. It is maybe reigniting a spark inside of you that leads you to do work that helps others, as we do in the Faith-Based Coaching Academy. Like, we equip and connect you so that you may show up for the people who are assigned to you. Like, that is a reframe. So even the things that are uncomfortable are making us better because ultimately all things work for the good of those who love Him. So, my friend, reframe. Life is good, and God is good all the time. So change the perspective with which you're looking at what you're looking at, and notice how everything changes without anything having to change outside of you. I hope this supports you. Make sure you share with someone you want to bless. I will see you next week. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you, so thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless bless them with this episode. Send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me at faithandgrowth.com. Thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.