Betsy Guerra teaches the Examen, a nightly prayer practice that asks three questions: where were you your best self today, where did you see grace, and where can you improve. She shares how this habit builds real-time awareness so you catch yourself before you act badly, like when you're about to shame your child.
Chapters
The reason you can't change that thing that you want to change is because you're not fully aware. You don't have clarity. And change can only happen when we're aware of what it is that we're changing, why we're changing it, and what we need to do to change it. And I have the perfect technique for you. Every night before I go to sleep, I practice a prayer from St. Ignatius called the Examen. The examen is a way of revisiting your day and reliving your day in a very mindful manner in which you're going to be looking for three things. Number one, you're going to look for where was I? Like Christ? In other words, where was I the best version of myself? Where did I do really well that I need to tap myself in the back for? Number two, you're going to look for where was God in my day? And there's been so many times that I look back and I realize like, oh my gosh, when I was thinking this or having this important conversation, I then saw a butterfly. And at the moment I didn't realize that that was God showing me grace and mercy and love and hope. Number three, you're going to be looking for where is there room for improvement? Where were you not your best self? Well, I was screaming at my kid on the way to school because for the 10th time that semester, he left his book back at home. Who leaves the book back at home? That's the only responsibility, right? Well, and then I would fall into shaming him because I would say things like that, like, but what were you thinking? And in my mind, I'm just stating the obvious, right? But the truth is I'm shaming my kid when I'm telling him all these things. So I wasn't my best self at that time. The more I've practiced this technique, the more aware I have become of who I am, what I stand for, what my weaknesses are, the things that I need to work on, where my strengths lie and where I can appreciate the things that happen at the moment or not. Like, it just allows me to get to know myself better, to be more self aware. And what happens eventually is that the more you do this in hindsight because you're, you're looking at your day in hindsight, you're reliving your day. The more you do that in hindsight and you become aware of where God shows up, where you're your best self and where there's room for improvement, the more you're able to do that in real time. And what happens is that the other day I was talking smack about a friend, and as I'm talking about her, I'm like, I am going to beat myself up tonight for this, and I'm going to remember that I was in my best self right now. So I stopped myself and I was able to, in real time, become a better version of myself and change the things that have been hard for me to change in the past.
