A first-person talk by Betsy Guerra about coping with the death of a loved one (specifically her daughter). She distinguishes unavoidable pain from optional suffering and describes reframing grief through imaginative, faith-based narratives (e.g., being a "chosen mother of an angel") and accepting present limits on energy and functioning as part of healing and resilience.
Chapters
Pain is inevitable. We've all experienced pain. We've all failed at some point or things haven't gone our way. Pain is inevitable. But suffering, the darkness that you experience and the excruciating pain without hope, that is optional. But how do you reframe? How do you look from a positive perspective at you losing your child or your spouse or someone you love too soon, too fast? How do you reframe that, Betsy? And my answer to you is the answer I had to give myself. I thought my life had ended because I couldn't live without my daughter. And I was the grieving mom that lost a daughter. When I changed that into, I am the chosen mother of an angel, that felt different. I am VIP in heaven. I have hookups in heaven. God gives me whatever I want because my daughter, who's super freaking cute, goes to him and tells him, come on, come on, hook up. My mom, she really wants this so badly. And he's like, you're so cute. Of course I'm gonna say yes to you. So I imagine all these things and I change the perspective. I tell myself the story that I am VIP in heaven and I get all sorts of hookup and that I get to be with my daughter all the time. I don't have to wait for her to get out of school to see her and hug her and squeeze her. I have her all the time. When we're full of energy and joy and happy and things are going our way, we have all the willpower in the world, and we get to give ourselves to the world 100%. But when we're in pain, when our thoughts are invading us with darkness triggers, when our emotions are unpleasant and our energy is low, the best that you can is not going to be a hundred percent, at least not the 100% you're used to. Be okay with that and honor that. Live in the present moment, whatever that looks like, and radically accepted. When the heart hardens for some people because we don't want to pay attention to them right now, and we're too busy feeling pain, it hardens for all. So when we put walls to avoid more pain or inconvenience, we're also with those walls. When the sun comes out and when the light shines in and we don't get to enjoy that. If you go through any pain, if life allows you to endure the excruciating agony that you may be in, then you also already have the courage and the strength to overcome it.
