Projection: You are just like the people you can’t stand.

I had a professor in grad school to whom I was complaining about this other professor that I couldn't stand and that she didn't teach the way I wanted her to teach. And I was just complaining about her. And she was like, so, Betsy, what do you have that she has that you're responding like you're having this intense reaction? I'm like, what do you mean? That lady and I have nothing in common. I, I have nothing that's similar to that lady. I can't stand the woman. And she said, well, you should think about it. And I remember that day being like, oh my gosh. I feel like that was the first time that I really understood what projection means. And projection is a defense mechanism in which you portray your own qualities or defects onto another person and then you see them magnified in the other person. Because God forbid you see that in yourself, because you don't like that. And if you see it in yourself, those qualities, then it's, you don't want to. So instead you see it in other people and when you see it in them, they're magnified. Oh, this person is manipulative. Oh, this person is controlling. Oh, she thinks that the world revolves around her or she's so arrogant, or he's so this. And we don't realize that many times the people that we judge the hardest are people that resemble us in some ways. Just the other day I had a client here that was talking about her mother in law and she has a very poor relationship with her. And it sounds as though the mother in law is not very easy. But, but when I hear her talk like, oh, no, because my mother in law, she's very negative and she brings my husband down. So every time he talks to her, he's in a bad mood. And then I have to deal with that and his reactions towards me and it's unfair. I wish he wasn't like that. She was complaining about him and I was like, do you realize that what you're describing is as though the moment of her husband is like a black cloud? That's how I imagine it, like a black cloud, you know, that brings negativity to his life and to his relationship with my client? And she's like, yes, yes. She's so negative. I'm like, and have you realized that you're doing exactly the same thing with your husband? That you're always negative and you're always talking about the past and the ways in which he's failed and, and how he does things that are wrong and he can't get something right. Do you realize that you're just like your mother in law for him, which is probably why he's so overwhelmed in this relationship. That poor woman wanted to die. But she realized. She realized that the same things that she was criticizing in this other person that she couldn't stand are the same things, the very same things that she's contributing to her relationship. And that's how it is with everything I know of a lot of people that I have judged for being control freaks. My gosh, it has to be her way or the highway. Well, guess what? I am a control freak myself. And sometimes, and I hate to confess this publicly, but sometimes I want things to be my way or the highway. And I see that in other people, and it's ugly. And now instead of me using that to judge them, I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's how I look. That's how I behave. Because I've totally done that. In fact, it happens to me all the time in the office. I have a lot of couples that I see, and sometimes I see the woman doing things that I do to my husband, that my husband has consistently told me, like, baby, you should work on this, or can you please not do that? And I don't see it until I see it in somebody else. And when I see one of my clients do it to the husband or the wife, I'm like, oh, my gosh, is that what I look like? Is that what I sound like? And that's when I realize. So projection is really powerful because it allows us and it helps us to be a better version of ourselves. Number one, by not using that information that we see magnified in the other person, those qualities, by not using that to judge, but rather to make us better. And number two, because it serves as a mirror, it allows you to mirror yourself and your behaviors in another person. Now, we need to keep this in mind because many, many, many times we're quick to judge. And like they say, when you point one finger at a person, three fingers are pointing at you. Well, many times when we're pointing fingers at other people, we don't realize that we do or we act in the same ways that the people we're criticizing act in. So projection is a wonderful defense mechanism that gives us the possibility to mirror our behaviors and our qualities or flaws and see them in another person so that we can become a better version of ourselves. Now, make sure you don't use it to judge and to blame and to think that everybody else is wrong and you have nothing to do with it. It's all about accountability. Use projection wisely.